


7th Day Breakdown

by Love (crazylove)



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-14
Updated: 2010-09-21
Packaged: 2017-10-10 02:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 136,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/94629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazylove/pseuds/Love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt loves his Christian college. Unfortunately, he loves his roommate, Kris, too. That doesn't really fly in this school. Still, it's not so bad until he meets his new classmate, Anoop, who has him re-evaluating everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Matt didn't go to sleep, at least not right away. He laid there waiting for his thoughts slow down, trying to control them as he often did. He wished he could write a song to make them stop or at least write a song to apologize because he knew everything he really wanted was completely against the rules._

The midnight show was a tradition. It was always fun to surprise the freshman and see the upperclassmen come running out from their dorms into the dimly lit night. Matt loved the excitement. He loved the way everyone clapped and cheered and screamed for them and knew all the songs. The Student Life committee appeared with cotton candy, popcorn, candy apples, nachos and enough sodas and juice to make someone pop like a water balloon.

It was so much fun to be right in the middle of it, playing the music and watching the students—his friends, his peers—laughing and having a good time. Those memories were the ones Matt thought about, the ones that got him excited enough to pack his bag a week too early, preparing for the long drive from Michigan back to Gates College.

Senior year meant this was the last time. He was crouched on the stage, fiddling with the cymbal stand on his drum set. He couldn't get it out of his head. The last time. Matt wanted everything to be perfect.

He also wanted things to be different.

"Hey," Kris said from behind him. Matt sat back on his butt and looked over his shoulder.

"Thought you might need this." Kris was holding a drum stick. He tapped Matt on the head with it. Matt grinned and he took the stick.

"It's stuck," Matt said. He stood up and shook the cymbal stand, trying to get the final leg to come down so it would stand up straight on his own. Kris dropped to his knees and gave the leg a good, quick tug. Suddenly, the cymbal stand was standing straight like it was no trouble at all.

"I just thought I'd give you a chance to look good," Matt said, trying not to laugh. "You know, in case Katy was watching."

"No, it was really stuck," Kris said, straightening up on his feet. "It's not like you're a total weakling or anything."

"Excuse me," Matt said. "Look at these guns. I am the drummer." Matt flexed his biceps with a silly grin on his face. Kris punched him in the right one.

"Ow," Matt said, rubbing his arm. "Did you have to punch me so _hard_?"

"I thought you could handle it," Kris said. "You are the drummer."`

"Ha ha," Matt said, still massaging his bicep. Kris might be small but he was buff. Matt knew he'd never want to get on his bad side. Not that he could really see Kris getting into a fist fight but if he ever did Matt was willing to bet just about anything that the other guy would be completely screwed.

It took a lot to make Kris upset. Matt thought that was part of the reason they got along so well. They were both easy going, ready to have a good time. Matt remembered the first time he saw Kris, playing guitar outside the student union during freshman year. There was something about his easy smile while he played that just made Matt stop and listen. Most people were hurrying inside for fellowship but Matt stuck around until the song was done.

"Wow," Matt said. He'd never been shy, not really, not even during his first week in college. Kris smiled as he slung his guitar around to his back. "What was that song?"

"Just something I made up," Kris said. "Something I'm working on. The ending needs a little work."

"I don't think so!" Matt said, eagerly. "But I can help, if you want. I'm Matt."

"Kris." They shook hands. Kris's handshake was solid and warm, maybe from all the friction with the guitar strings. "I live in Norton Hall."

"Me too!" Matt said.

"If you really want," Kris said. "I'd love the help. No obligations."

"I'm there," Matt promised.

They worked on the song that night and the next night. Soon he and Kris were practically inseparable, instant best friends. Matt thought that this was what college was all about, making friends that would last a lifetime. By the end of freshman year he couldn't remember a time when he wasn't jamming out with Kris on the guitar and he would rock the drums or the piano, whichever instrument was handy. They auditioned for Promises together, Gates College's band, a tradition that went years and years back. Promises played all the major events on college, mostly doing popular Christian rock covers and everyone's favorite worship songs. Sometimes they got to play their own original songs, the ones Kris and Matt wrote. Danny, their musical director and lead singer, always acted like fitting in their songs was a big deal but Matt knew that the songs he did with Kris was the best part of the show.

It took until senior year but they were finally opening a show with one, a Kris and Matt original. It was one of his favorites. He remembered composing the lyrics while Kris laid on the top bunk in their shared dorm room, picking out just the right chords. They called it "Rescue" and Matt always felt a little shaky when he played it so keeping the beat was a little harder but the challenge was just what he needed. It kept him distracted from where he really wanted to be.

He wanted to perform Rescue from behind the keys, not the drums.

"It's almost midnight," Danny said, walking on the stage suddenly. He gave Matt a high five as soon as he was close enough. Matt sat on his stool and adjusted his snare drum. "Are you guys ready?"

They'd spent the whole day practicing but now they were preparing the big stage in the auditorium. Matt didn't think they could be more ready if they tried. It sucked that they missed all the first day orientations and chances for bonding and checking out the freshmen but that was one of the sacrifices that went with being in the band.

"Been waiting all summer for this," Kris said with a smile, like it was a joke but Matt knew it was true, because it was true for him, too.

"Me too," Danny said. "I've been thinking about you guys all summer. I've got so many ideas. I've even been working on my own song! You two are going to be so impressed. It'll probably help you with your own songs."

Kris only smiled serenely and Matt kept himself from laughing or rolling his eyes. He liked Danny a lot, he knew a lot about music, but he couldn't imagine Danny's songs being better.

"I've got some ideas too," Matt said. His heart was pounding. He'd been trying to say something all day and now he was feeling like he might burst. "I was thinking--"

"Five minutes until we open the doors, boys," Dean Dwyer said from the floor. He was the dean of students and a stickler for starting all student events on time. The Back-to-School Midnight Concert was the only time Gates students were allowed to break their dorm curfews and Matt could tell that Dean Dwyer liked it to be over as quickly as possible.

"Everyone come in here," Danny called. Matt finally had the drums all set and he tested them out quickly. After three years he knew this drum set like the back of his hand. Tim came ambling from behind the stage, looking cool in a simple white button down shirt tucked into his jeans. He was a sophomore who joined the band last year on second guitar and back up vocals. Scott marched out after him, white cane tapping softly on the rubber surface of the stage, dressed up in a black shirt with a weird ruffly collar. Matt was just wearing his t-shirt from Gatesfest last year and Kris had on plaid. Sometimes, Matt thought they could use some type of uniform.

"It's sounding good," Danny said. "Real good. We're gonna do awesome tonight! It's so great leading you guys again in this type of ministry. I really think we're doing some good work. It's going to get even better from here. Just keep listening to me. I don't think we have anything to worry about. Anybody have anything to add?"

Kris raised his hand politely.

"Great!" Danny said. "Let's pray."

Matt caught Kris' eye who only shook his head. By now they were used to him. It was hard to take anything personally.

"Lord," Danny said as everyone took hands, standing in a circle. "We thank you for blessing us with this opportunity to start the school year right here at Gates with our midnight concert. Help us to be great for you, tonight and in all our future endeavors. We want to spread your word and fill the hearts and minds of our classmates with the love and knowledge you have given us. Thank you for our talents and our great friendships with each other. Amen."

"Amen," Matt said, holding Kris's hand for a moment even after he let Tim's go. Kris flashed him a smile.

"I was going to say," Kris said loudly. "Everyone have a good show."

"I'm feeling really good tonight," Tim said. He had one of the brightest smiles Matt had ever seen and he could smile through anything. "I missed you guys!"

"Just make sure you don't slow up the second half of Giving Point," Scott said. "Like you did this afternoon, Matt."

"That was one time!" Matt said. Kris patted his shoulder as they broke up to go to their various places on stage.

The doors opened and everyone poured in. Gates College was a small school about 90 minutes outside of Little Rock with just around 500 students. It was great seeing everyone's familiar face along with the freshman who marched in wearing matching brightly colored t-shirts provided by their dorms. Matt watched Kris' girlfriend Katy race to the front of the auditorium. She waved enthusiastically at Kris. He grinned back. Matt knew they hadn't seen each other over the summer so they had a lot of catching up to do.

"It's been a long day," Dean Dwyer said, using the main microphone on stage while Danny stood next to him anxiously. "A long day of getting to know your fellow students and the campus and what our community here at Gates College is all about. We're not only Christians, we're positive active participants here on campus and in the surrounding community as well. We serve God through scholarship, service, sermons and sometimes--" Dean Dwyer gave a resigned smile as the audience began to cheer loudly. "Yes, sometimes," Dean Dwyer said. "Singing. Please welcome Gates College's premiere band, Promises."

The applause only got louder and Matt wanted to take a moment just to breathe it all in. He missed this so much-- the energy, the frenzied atmosphere, the music. There was nothing better than the feeling of a great show. He definitely felt closer to God.

Kris turned around, smiling, hands positioned on his guitar.

When they were playing together Matt felt closer to Kris, too.

He started off the song, clicking his drum sticks together and then there was Tim and Kris playing in harmony along with Scott's steady keyboarding skills, Danny's voice pouring over them all. Matt couldn't help mouthing the words from behind the drums, pretending he was one of the voices on stage but Danny, Kris and Tim were doing a fine job. He hoped everyone could relate to this song, the feeling of being rescued. There were all sorts of ways to be saved. Matt knew he was still figuring that out.

Matt made sure not to mess up any part of Giving Point so he wouldn't have to hear it from Scott. In fact, the rest of the show went off without a hitch. All of the songs were burned into his brain so he was free to watch Kris bounce across the stage, playing, hopping and singing his heart out. Danny liked to reach down to touch hands or toss his head back, belting notes like he was Whitney Houston or something. Even Scott stood up behind the piano, grooving, shaking his hips side to side. Matt always felt a little stifled by the drums even though he loved playing. Only Tim was completely chill on stage, strumming and smiling his way through song after song.

Five minutes after the last song the entire student body was still on their feet, one of the best standing ovations they had ever received. Matt's face hurt from grinning so hard. He didn't know how their shows could keep getting better but they always did. Matt bowed with everyone and clapped himself. Tim gave him a hug and then he hugged Kris.

"We're back," Kris said.

Before Matt could respond, Katy was on stage all of a sudden. She threw her arms around Kris.

"We were amazing! You were incredible!" Katy said, bouncing on her toes. She was a very bouncy person. Other people joined them, giving their congratulations and saying hello. There wasn't much time until Dean Dwyer told them to get back to the dorms so everyone was trying to be quick.

"You too, Matt," Katy said. Matt hugged her back. She was small, blonde and cute. Matt could see why Kris liked her so much.

"I missed the music so much," Katy said. "Your songs were the best! I keep telling you that you guys need to be a songwriting duo. Seriously, you could sell them and travel the world!"

"I just have to pass business school first," Kris said. He rolled his eyes with a smile.

"That's easy," Katy said, moving in close to Kris' face. At first Matt thought she was going to kiss him but she only patted his cheek. Matt found it admirable that Kris and Katy had agreed not to kiss or do anything else besides hug and hold hands before marriage, if they were to get married. Matt really didn't know how they kept that up.

"Hey," Matt said. "I'll see you back at the room." He figured Kris wanted some alone time with Katy, well as much as he could snag in a big auditorium with the rest of the school.

"Oh wait!" Katy said quickly. "Matt, I want you to meet someone. You too, Kris. Where'd he go? I was showing him around. I am so rude."

Katy rushed off through the crowd. Kris shook his head, giving Matt a smile.

"I think she might be tired," Matt joked. Kris laughed, pushing his hair back.

"I really missed her, man," he said. Matt smiled. He had really missed Kris too.

"Okay," Katy said, back all of a sudden, but this time she had someone in tow. Matt did a double take. He had never seen this guy before. "I wanted you guys to meet Anoop. He's new! He just transferred this year. Anoop, this Kris and this is Matt. He's in your dorm, guys."

"You're an upperclassmen?" Matt asked. It was rare for anyone to transfer to Gates, especially as a junior or a senior.

"Senior," Anoop said.

"Nice to meet you," Kris said. He shook Anoop's hand and after a moment Matt did the same. There was no way Anoop was going to blend in as just another senior. First of all, everyone at Gates knew their classmates from day one. Matt knew everyone's name in his class and practically the name of everyone on campus. When someone was new they stuck out like a sore thumb. Anoop stuck out even more. There were a few black kids at Gates but nobody was Indian.

"I'm Matt," Matt said and then he felt stupid because Katy had already said that.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "You were really good on the drums."

"Thanks," Matt said. He looked up when he heard three short whistle blasts. The room quieted down immediately.

"Okay," Dean Dwyer said, holding the microphone again. "You have ten minutes to get back to your dorm. Curfew will be in effect in ten minutes. Thank you for a successful first day. Have a good night."

"My dorm is on the other side of campus!" Katy said. "I'd better run. See y'all tomorrow. Be nice to Anoop, okay? Show him around, he's really nice. See ya!"

Matt watched Katy hurry off stage, grabbing her dorm girls. They all rushed out of the building.

"Do we have to run?" Anoop asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No," Kris said. "Our dorm is kind of close. They aren't too strict with the curfew on the first night."

"But after tonight if you're caught out after-hours you're in big trouble," Matt said.

"Sounds like I have a lot to learn," Anoop said.

"It's not that hard," Kris said. "It's a good place."

"Ahem," Dean Dwyer said, standing behind them all of a sudden. "Is there a reason I don't see you vacating the premises?"

"Just letting all the ladies go first," Matt said, quickly. "They tried to tell us chivalry is dead."

"You have five minutes," Dean Dwyer said. He did not look amused.

"Guess we do have to run," Kris said. The auditorium was strangely empty as they hurried down the stairs. Matt had been waiting to move into Clearwater Hall since the first day on campus. They were the fanciest, most equipped dorms on campus. Every year it alternated as a dorm for senior girls or senior guys. Matt felt lucky that his senior year coincided with a guy's year. All the rooms had private bathrooms. That was what Matt had really been looking forward to.

Matt was breathing hard as they walked in the lobby. He really wasn't expecting to run but they ran the whole way.

"Who's your roommate?" Kris asked.

"Danny Gokey," Anoop said. "I think he was up there singing."

"What happened to Michael?" Matt asked.

"His girlfriend," Kris said in a low voice. "Got pregnant. Well, not his girlfriend. They're married now. It happened over the summer."

"Oh," Matt said. He could hardly believe it. He wondered if Michael had gotten kicked out or if he chose to leave. It wasn't like they didn't have married housing. Matt felt funny as they all rode the elevator together. Senior year was getting off to a weird start.

"I'm on the 5th floor," Anoop said as the elevator stopped. "So, I'll see you guys around."

"Hey, do you want to get breakfast with us tomorrow?" Kris asked. "We usually go around nine. We can stop by your room. Danny likes to sleep in."

"Sure," Anoop said. "Thanks."

"Goodnight," Kris called after Anoop once he was off the elevator.

"Living with Danny?" Matt said. The doors closed and they continued to the 7th floor. "Good luck. I can't believe that about Michael."

"Yeah," Kris said. "But nobody's perfect. Temptation gets the best of us."

Matt wanted to ask Kris if temptation ever got the best of him when it came to Katy. Instead he just walked beside Kris in the small hallway. Everything was quiet now that curfew was in full effect. Of course, they didn't have to go to sleep but there were no loud noises allowed. Matt liked writing songs in the silence, when Kris would put a pillow over his guitar to muffle the noise. Matt had a keyboard he could stash under his bed. It was the only time he got to play it when he was back at school.

"So what did you really think about tonight?" Matt asked. "We really rocked, right?" Another perk about Clearwater was that they didn't have bunk beds. They each had their own twin bed across the room from each other. Matt liked that he had the perfect view of Kris when he laid down on his own bed.

"I think everyone got better over the summer," Kris said. "Especially Tim. Did you see his fingering? He's gotten a lot stronger. I think we can tackle some more complicated songs."

"Our _own_ songs," Matt said, sitting down on his bed. He kicked off his shoes. Kris carefully set his guitar in the corner, safely tucked into his case. "This year Danny is going to take us seriously."

"He did say he was writing stuff of his own," Kris said. "So that's a good sign."

"I don't want to play Danny's stuff!" Matt said. "I was thinking that we can convince him to play our other songs. You know..."

Kris nodded. "Yeah, I don't know. We'll have to wait and see."

"Scott can play drums too," Matt said. He laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling. "If only we could switch for just one show. Let me show him what I can do."

"We'll work on him," Kris said. "I think this year Danny will be more open to suggestions."

Matt looked across at Kris' side of the room. He had black and gray sheets on his bed, still tight and neat. Kris installed extra storage under his bed, neat drawers where he kept his underwear and extra sheets. His bible was on the desk tucked into the corner next to his bed along with a framed picture of Katy.

"It's our last year," Matt said. "I can't believe it's our last year. Our last year at college. Our last year rooming together."

"We'd better enjoy it." Kris pulled off his shirt and stepped out of his pants, getting ready for bed. Matt tried not to move. He tried not to breathe. He tried not to look, of course, but that never worked. He'd never admit it to anyone, not even himself, but this was something else about Gates that he'd definitely missed.

"So breakfast at nine tomorrow," Kris said. Matt wiggled his way under his covers on the bed and took off his pants. He dropped them on the floor as Kris turned off the lights.

"Breakfast at nine with Anoop," Matt said. "I wonder what's his deal. Do you think he was put in the witness protection program or something?"

Kris chuckled from across the room in the dark. Matt could feel him breathing. "I guess we'll find out tomorrow."

"Hey," Matt said, quickly before he could lose his nerve. "I really did miss you. This summer."

"I missed you, too," Kris said, sounding sleepy. "Goodnight, Matt."

Matt didn't go to sleep, at least not right away. He laid there waiting for his thoughts slow down, trying to control them as he often did. He wished he could write a song to make them stop or at least write a song to apologize because he knew everything he really wanted was completely against the rules.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"How did you even find this place?" Danny asked, narrowing his eyes at Anoop. "Everyone here has received a calling, a testimony, that they are supposed to be here. What about you?"_
> 
> "There's a website," Anoop said.

The morning sun shone directly in his face. That was the most important thing Matt learned during his first morning in Clearwater Hall. He got up and made sure that the blinds were tightly shut before crawling back into bed for a couple of hours. Normally, Matt liked to sleep in on Saturdays but the first weekend at school was packed with activities so Matt opened his eyes for real when he heard Kris come out of the bathroom. Immediately, the room was steamy from his shower. Matt tried not to stare too closely at Kris, skin damp and pink, with only a towel draped around his waist. It was much different now that they had a bathroom in their room.

"You got a half hour," Kris said. Matt hurried into the bathroom with his clothes before Kris started to change. He took a quick shower and brushed his teeth with the Crest SpinBrush his mom tucked into his toiletry bag. He was excited for the Gates Games that day, a mini-Olympics that the school did on the first Saturday of every year. Only seniors could volunteer to be team captains. Kris and Katy had signed up but Matt wanted to hang back. He wanted to enjoy himself without all the extra responsibilities. Besides, he wasn't that athletic anyway.

When he stepped out of the bathroom Kris was ready in his purple team captain t-shirt and khaki shorts.

"Tug of war," Kris said as Matt dropped his towel and last night's underwear into his hamper. "That's where I could use you."

Matt turned around and flexed both his arms. "Don't underestimate the drummer."

"Aren't you scared you're going to lose those guns if you start playing the piano?" Kris asked. They made their way out of the room and waved at the guys across the hall.

"Nah, because keys take a lot of upper body strength," Matt said. "At least the way I play. It also involves a lot of pointing and winking."

"That makes sense," Kris said. "Because you're hands aren't busy or anything."

"Right. They're totally free for the ladies," Matt said, wiggling his fingers. They both laughed and Matt hoped that he didn't sound too weird.

They walked down the two flights to the fifth floor and saw Anoop in the hallway, just outside a door which Matt assumed was his room. He looked good in a UNC t-shirt and gray track pants.

"Hey," he said. "Actually, Danny's coming with us."

"Yeah!" Danny said, opening the door, suddenly. "Why didn't you invite me guys?"

"You like to sleep in," Kris said.

"It's the Gates Games," Danny said. "Besides, I want to get to know Anoop, too. Last one there has to make me a Belgian waffle!"

Matt hung back with Kris and they exchanged a look. Matt wondered if Anoop had really thought this whole thing through.

There was only one dining hall on campus where everyone gathered for meals during the designated times. Matt like the feeling of community during mealtime but sometimes he wished he could grab a hot sandwich at ten at night. He had to make do with his dorm fridge and Kris' microwave.

The games started at 10 so the dining hall was already packed. The freshman all sat at different tables, grouped by dorm. Katy, who was one of the freshman hall RAs, waved to them as they passed. Kris waved back with a huge grin on his face.

It took them a while to find a seat not only because it was crowded but because they kept stopping to say hi to people they didn't get to talk to last night. By the time they joined Anoop at one of the large circular tables he was already halfway through his omelet.

"Sorry," Kris said, settling his tray next to Anoop's. "We'll introduce you around before the games."

Anoop shook his head. "Don't worry about it."

Matt sat across from Kris and smashed butter into his grits. Danny dropped his tray on the table, nearly knocking over Matt's apple juice. He moved the glass over to his other side.

"Anoop's from North Carolina," Danny said, squirting syrup all over his Belgian waffle. There was something weird about the way Danny said "North Carolina" like he expected them to laugh or something.

"Tarheels," Kris said, pointing at Anoop's shirt. Anoop looked down at himself and then nodded.

"Born and raised," Anoop said.

"So what are you doing here?" Matt blurted out before he could stop himself. Danny smirked beside him and he felt embarrassed.

Anoop looked unfazed. "Just needed a change," he said.

Danny gaped at him, seemingly unconvinced and Matt felt the same way. A change during senior year at a Christian college in Arkansas? Matt knew he wasn't the smartest person at that table but there had to be more to the story.

"Well, we're pretty friendly around here," Kris said, giving Danny a look. Then his eyes slid over to Matt, the same accusatory glance, and Matt blinked.

"Seems like it," Anoop said. He had a funny smile on his face.

"You met Katy," Matt said. Suddenly, he felt the need to prove how nice they were because he could tell from the look in Anoop's eyes that he didn't quite believe them. "She knows everyone. Once you know Katy you're in. She's literally everyone's friend."

"Yeah, I enjoyed talking to her yesterday," Anoop said.

"She dates Kris," Matt added, as if this would further prove his point. Anoop just continued to eat his omelet. Matt didn't have much of an appetite anymore but he crumbled his bacon into his grits anyway.

"Do you have a major?" Kris asked.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "Political science."

"We have a great political science program here," Matt piped up even though he didn't know anything about it. He was a music/communications double major. Kris was majoring in business and Danny's major was biblical studies.

"It does seem adequate," Anoop said.

"What about your minor in biblical studies?" Danny asked. "That's a requirement here. Everyone has to minor in it. How will complete that in a year?"

"What is it, 15 credits?" Anoop said. "Doesn't seem that hard."

"You only have two semesters," Danny said.

"I'll get it done," Anoop said.

"The classes will be even harder when you don't even have a _background_," Danny said, and Matt's heart started to beat faster.

"I'm a fast learner," Anoop told him.

"Anoop," Danny said, leaning closer, practically smashing his body against Matt's shoulder. Matt shielded his tray and held his breath. "Are you a Christian?"

"Danny," Kris said. "Don't be rude."

"It's a simple question."

"Anoop, you don't have to--" Kris said, turning to Anoop, but he'd already started to talk.

"No, I'm not," Anoop said. He stared back at Danny just as hard.

"Then what are you doing here?" Danny said.

"Danny!" Matt said because he knew he needed to jump in. "Anyone can go here." He didn't even know if that was true—he hadn't met anyone at Gates who wasn't a Christian and now he was looking at Anoop in a whole new light—but it sounded like the right thing to say.

"Why would a non-Christian want to go to a Christian school?" Danny said, speaking rather loudly. The girls from the other side of the table looked over at them.

"To learn?" Matt answered, weakly. He didn't know either. Anoop just sat there.

"Seriously, Danny," Kris said, speaking with an annoyance in his voice that was rare for him. "You're being kind of awful right now."

"What do you believe?" Danny asked. He never took his eyes off of Anoop.

"My parents are Hindu," Anoop answered. "I was raised that way."

"So you're Hindu?" Danny said.

"Not necessarily," Anoop said. "It's part of my cultural identity. I'm not sure I would classify myself as anything at this point besides agnostic."

"Do you believe in God?" Danny plowed on, like he wasn't listening to anything Anoop was saying. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

"I'm not sure," Anoop said. Danny's eyes widened while Matt swallowed, hard. He had to admit that was a pretty incredible thing for Anoop to say.

"I don't know if I can room with someone who doesn't believe in Jesus," Danny said. "That's like saying you don't believe in air conditioning!"

Anoop didn't say anything.

"Let's just relax," Kris said. "I mean, we're really lucky that Anoop--"

"How did you even find this place?" Danny asked, narrowing his eyes at Anoop. "Everyone here has received a calling, a testimony, that they are supposed to be here. What about you?"

"There's a website," Anoop said.

Matt wished he could say something or crack a joke that would make this whole uncomfortable situation go away but the truth was that he sort of felt like Danny did. How could Anoop not believe in Jesus? And if he didn't why was he at their college?

"There are so many _signs_," Danny said. "There is so much--" He stopped himself and stared past Anoop for a moment like he was seeing something invisible just beyond him.

"Danny," Matt said. "Can we talk about something else?"

"I'm worried about Anoop's soul!" Danny said. "I've got to... Anoop, maybe you just don't know. Living like you did I bet that nobody exposed you to what a life filled with Christ is all about. Where'd you come from? India, right?"

"I was born in North Carolina," Anoop said.

"They don't have Jesus there," Danny continued, barely pausing for Anoop's answer. "Anoop, seriously, there's still hope for you. If you can do a biblical studies minor in a year then you can be saved. Would you be open to it? Do you want to be saved?"

"Sure," Anoop said, with a small smirk on his face. "If you can convince me. Why not."

"I believe," Danny said. "That's why God put us together. That's why he brought you to me. I'm supposed to show you the true path. That's why you're really here. Nothing happens by chance, Anoop. There's no coincidences. Everything that happens to us is part of God's plan. You just wait. I'm going to open your eyes to a world you don't even know you're missing but it's beautiful. I promise you. It's everything you've ever wanted. Kris and Matt know. Right, guys?"

Matt shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He wondered if it was God's plan to have him play the drums for the rest of his life while he longed for something else.

Not to mention Kris.

"Okay," Anoop said. He had somehow managed to finish his breakfast throughout this whole conversation. "Great. Well, I have a meeting with my adviser at 9:45 so I'd better get going. Thanks for breakfast."

"We'll talk more later!" Danny called after him.

"Was that really necessary?" Kris asked, as soon as Anoop was out of sight.

"Yes," Danny said. "I'm doing my part. We're supposed to spread the word. We're supposed to help people."

"You didn't have to be so confrontational," Kris said.

"I was just talking!" Danny said, shrugging with his hands in the air. "Right, Matt?"

"You talked a lot," Matt mumbled.

"It's not like I hurt him," Danny said. "I'm trying to help him. How does he expect to fit in here if he doesn't believe in Jesus? Look at him."

"Anybody is welcome here," Kris said. "Any religion. Or non-religion."

"Oh yeah?" Danny gave Kris a hard look. "Name one. Name one person who goes here and isn't a believer."

Matt also waited for the answer. Kris didn't speak for a few minutes. Just when Danny got an annoyingly satisfied smile on his face Kris lifted his chin and said, "Adam Lambert."

"Oh," Danny said, like Kris had just uttered a profanity while naked in front of a small child. "No."

Matt remembered Adam, a tall guy, inky black hair, almost as black as the eye make-up on his face. He had been a senior during Matt's freshman yeah. He was the only person in 15 years to be expelled in the middle of the school year. And everyone knew the reason why.

Adam was a terrible example.

"Hey," Matt said, forcing himself to sound chipper. "So where do we get team assignments? Does Katy have those?"

"We're going to post them in the union," Kris said. "At ten. So we'd better eat."

Matt shoveled grits in his mouth but that didn't stop Danny from talking.

"Adam Lambert," Danny said, with that look of total disgust still on his face. "Good riddance."

Matt forced himself to swallow even as the cold grits collected in an uncomfortable lump in the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to talk about this anymore.

Adam was the main reason why nobody could ever know.

* 

Matt wouldn't have been surprised if Anoop just walked into his adviser's office and dropped out on the spot but he showed up on the field about an hour later when they were gathering in teams for the Gates Games. One of the organizers handed Anoop a red shirt and he trotted over to Matt's team, headed by one of the more emotional girls on campus. Matt tried not to talk to her too much. He just never knew what kind of mood Didi was going to be in.

"Okay, you guys!" Didi shouted, mostly ineffectively because the red team was still talking to each other and not paying attention to her. "You guys! Hey! We have to get organized you guys."

Tim was also on the red team, playing his guitar for a group of adoring freshman girl. In less than 24 hours he had managed to amass about 20 freshman groupies. They weren't all wearing red shirts either. Tim smiled serenely, strumming away. The girls sang along with him to "This Little Light of Mine." Matt hummed along under his breath.

"Hey!" Didi said. "If you aren't on the red team you should be here. Guys. Hey! You shouldn't be here."

Tim stopped and the girls clapped, giggling. Matt was still staring when Anoop stepped up beside him.

"He can really play," Anoop said.

Matt jumped.

"Sorry," Anoop said, holding up his hands. "I swear I don't worship the devil."

Matt crossed his arms, trying desperately to think of something to say. He usually wasn't so tongue-tied.

"It's just a joke," Anoop said.

"Sorry about Danny," Matt said. "This morning..."

Anoop waved a hand. "I knew what I was getting into," he said.

"Not everyone..." Matt trailed off because now he wasn't sure. Even he thought Danny had a couple of good points. Maybe he wasn't as open-minded of a guy as he thought he was.

"It's cool." Anoop said. "I can handle Danny."

"The games are pretty fun," Matt said. "Do you like to play sports?"

"Sure," Anoop said.

"Well, we always have these games every year. Everyone is divided into teams by hall and it's just silly. We play like tug-of-war and capture the flag. You're supposed to sign up for the different events with your team leader but..." Matt looked up at Didi who was waving the sign up sheet, still yelling. Now Tim was on the ground, playing his guitar for the girls and most of the red team. Everyone else was talking.

"I guess it's every man for himself," Anoop said.

Matt looked across the field where people was lining up for the three-legged race. Kris led his purple team in a jog over to the starting line. Katy was turning cartwheels in her green shirt, ever the cheerleader, as two green team members strapped their ankles together for the race. It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear and blue and it wasn't too hot. Perfect day for the Games.

Meanwhile Didi was still yelling at the red team. Tim jumped to his feet playing some Lifehouse song. One of the freshman girls was lying in the grass in a full swoon.

"You want to be my partner for the race?" Anoop asked. "Nobody else is signing up."

"Oh," Matt said, surprised that Anoop would even ask him after this morning. "Sure. I've never done the three-legged race before. Kris said I lack the necessary coordination."

"You and Kris are a little mismatched," Anoop said, looking him up and down. Matt didn't mind it. "We're almost the same height. Come on."

Matt didn't know how true _that_ was. Anoop was definitely taller than him and probably 30 pounds lighter. He followed Anoop down to the starting line anyway and they checked in for the red team. Anoop crouched down, using the Velcro to tie their ankles together.

"We'll just move to a rhythm," Anoop said. He put his arm around Matt's waist. Anoop smelled good up close but Matt couldn't name the scent.

"Put your arm around me," Anoop instructed. He felt even thinner than he looked. Matt thought he could wrap his whole arm all the way around Anoop's middle.

"One," Anoop counted. "Two. One, two." They moved slowly, moving their right and left legs together, two legs connected by a tie. Eventually, Anoop was able to count faster and they got a good half-run, half-hop move going.

Dean Dwyer blew his whistle. "Contestants to the starting line please."

Matt walked carefully with Anoop, holding onto him. When he looked at the other teams he realized they were the only pair that kind of matched. Everyone else was a guy holding onto a smaller girl. He remembered Kris and Katy competing in this last year, laughing cutely as they fell over about five feet from the finish line. Matt could feel the stares. He took a deep breath.

"On your mark," said Lil, one of the louder girls on campus so she was a perfect referee for the games. "Get set. GO!"

Everyone started off, laughing, falling over already. But Anoop was steadily counting--"One, two. One two. One, two."--and Matt moved with him, keeping the same pace. He could feel that Anoop was competitive and after all those looks Matt wanted to be competitive too. He'd never won a race in his life but with Anoop at his side they pulled ahead into an early lead. The tricky part was turning around. Matt saw the purple team, their closest competition, take a nose dive in the turnaround. After that he knew that their first place title was cinched.

On the way back Anoop wasn't even counting anymore. They were just moving, keeping time in their head. Lil waved the flag once they crossed the finish line and Matt lifted his arms in victory. Unfortunately, Anoop was still moving and Matt pitched forward, a half-a-step behind. Before he could stop himself he toppled over and fell on top of Anoop and they were sprawled right there in the grass in front of everyone.

Matt smiled reluctantly, hearing the laughter.

"I think we need to be disconnected," Anoop said.

Anoop smelled even better from his position and Matt noticed that he had really kind brown eyes. His skin was flawless, a creamy tan brown with just the hint of a five-o-clock shadow. His jaw line was firm yet inviting. Matt's eyes traveled to the curve of Anoop's neck and the hollow in his skin just above his collarbone.

Yeah, he really needed to get up.

"Hold on," Matt said. He reached down, accidentally brushing his hand against the inside of Anoop's thigh. He blushed, fumbling for the Velcro. As soon as he ripped it off he jumped up and pumped his fists in the air again. Everyone cheered.

"Thank you, thank you," Matt said, taking a bow. "This win couldn't be possible without our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, of course, and Velcro." He held the tie in the air to even more laughter.

"Ten points for the red team!" Lil yelled. There was more applause as Didi ran over to them screaming, "I didn't authorize them for this race! They didn't sign up with me!"

Matt reached down and grabbed Anoop's hand. Anoop brushed off his pants once he was on his feet.

"Good job," Anoop said.

"Thanks," Matt said. "That was fun. We totally dominated. Where'd you learn how to three-legged race so well? Was it like a requirement at your old school?"

Anoop smiled. He had a really nice smile. It wasn't as bright as Tim's, wasn't as familiar as Kris', but it was definitely something Matt wanted to see again.

"Well, we didn't have to minor in it," Anoop said. "But it helped."

"Next up," Lil announced in her booming voice. "Bible Trivia Challenge in the auditorium and the Goofy Dance-Off in the gym."

People began running off in every direction. Kris gave Matt a look before he walked to the gym with Katy. Matt didn't move.

"What do you want to--" Matt asked, but Anoop was looking at Didi. She seemed near tears.

"You guys need to sign up for things!" she shrieked. The only people around in their red shirts were Anoop and Matt. Even Tim had wandered off, girls following him through the grass like he was the Pied Piper.

"Kris says Didi's high strung," Matt said. Anoop walked over to Didi like he hadn't even heard.

"I don't even know who you are," Didi said, looking at Anoop, and then she burst into tears. Anoop calmly took the paper from her and signed his name under the Bible Trivia Challenge.

"Uh," Matt said. "You don't really have to do everything. It's cool if you just do your own thing. In fact most seniors pretty much sit everything out."

"Do you want to come?" Anoop asked. He was already walking across the field to the auditorium. Matt had to jog a little to catch up with him.

There wasn't too many people in the auditorium for the trivia. In fact, Matt would have preferred the dance-off. But Anoop was in the auditorium. He took a seat in the front row.

The contestants were on stage. Anoop was competing against some of the best students on campus, including Danny, who was a Bible trivia junkie competing for the blue team. Matt was certain that Anoop didn't know what he was getting into. He also didn't know how Anoop could deal with the way everyone was looking at him. But he stood on stage behind a podium like nothing bothered him at all.

"Yo, yo, yo, check it out," Professor Jackson said. He always talked like that so it was hard to take him seriously. Nobody learned in his classes but they kept him around year after year for some reason. "Aiight, dawg, listen up. I'm gonna ask you a question and the first person to buzz in and answer it correctly wins the point. Ya hear me, baby? Aiight, here we go."

Matt gripped the arm of his chair as Professor Jackson shuffled through his cards to find the first question. There was no way he would know the answers on his own.

"First question," Professor Jackson said. Matt saw Danny tighten his grip on his button. "Who told the disciples that Jesus had risen from the dead?"

Almost everyone buzzed in at about the same time. Matt didn't know how he could tell but Professor Jackson pointed at Anoop.

"Go," he said.

"Magdalene," Anoop said without hesitation. Professor Jackson spent some time turning over his card.

"Check it out!" he said. "You are correct."

Anoop just stared at him, ready for the next question.

For the next 20 questions Anoop went head to head with everyone, answering practically every question first and when he didn't he stole all the questions that someone else got wrong. Soon it was down to just him and Danny for the final question and the win. Anoop was about 50 points ahead so there was little chance that Danny could catch up.

"Aiight, Danny," Professor Jackson said. "What do you wager?"

"All of it," Danny said. "I'm waging everything."

"Anoop, yo?" Professor Jackson asked.

"Everything," Anoop said. There was that smile again. Matt wished he were closer so he could really look into Anoop's eyes and try to figure him out.

"Okay," Professor Jackson said. "This is the final question, it is it, dawg. I'm gonna read this scripture and you tell me where I can look it up. Ready?"

Danny nodded, his face tense. Matt felt nervous too and he wasn't up there. Anoop was still unflappable.

Professor read the scripture in a voice that Matt was sure God never meant for his word to sound like, "_'For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.'_"

Matt leaned forward in his seat. There was no way he could name that passage. It wasn't one that they usually talked about, not one of the many scriptures he had memorized in his life for class or his work as a middle school youth pastor. Danny was scribbling things on a piece of paper, crossing them out. Anoop didn't move.

"Ten seconds," Professor Jackson said. "Aiight, let me hear it. What's your answer?"

"Isaiah 53:3!" Danny blurted out. Professor Jackson took so long fiddling through his notes that Matt considered grabbing one of the bibles from under the chair and flipping through it himself.

"Wait," Professor Jackson said. "Check it out, baby. That is not right. I'm sorry. You're wrong."

"Hebrews 6:10," Anoop said. Of course he was right. Even before he spoke Matt knew he was going to be right. He might have stared at Anoop as hard as Danny but it was impossible to stare as hard as Danny was staring at him.

"The winner is the red team," Professor Jackson declared. "Twenty points."

"How did you _know_ that?" Danny said. Matt was sure that if his mouth was open any wider everyone in the room would be able to see the size of his tonsils.

Anoop shrugged. "I guess you don't really know much about my background," he said.

Anoop walked off the stage with all the other contestants who were hurrying to their team's next activity. Matt knew he could make it to the end of the dance-off if he hurried. He didn't move.

"He doesn't even believe in God!" Danny said, standing in front of Matt all of a sudden. "How does he know the _bible_ like that? Who does he think he is?"

Matt shook his head. He didn't know. But he certainly wanted to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Of course this shouldn't be a surprise. Pretty much everyone at Gates was engaged or married by the end of senior year. In fact, that was why a lot of people chose to go there. It was the perfect place to find your life partner, someone who shared the same values and ideals you did. Matt wanted that too but it just wasn't working. Matt had never had a girlfriend. Matt wasn't even close. Of course Kris was going to ask Katy to marry him. What did he really expect?_

They had closing ceremonies a couple of hours after dinner as the sun was going down. Everyone sat around the huge bonfire pit on the stadium seating made out of wood. The fire started to crackle and pop, roaring to life as Dean Dwyer stood at the Speaker Station that overlooked everyone and read off the winners.

"First place goes to the black team with their captain, Scott MacIntyre."

Scott stood up and clapped but Danny clapped even louder, a fellow member of the black team. Matt lounged back, careful of splinters, as he leaned against the wood behind him.

"In your face!" Danny whooped. He turned to Kris and Katy who were sitting on the other side of Matt. Danny was sitting right above them.

"Sorry, guys," he said. "Better luck next year. Maybe your teams will win then. Oh wait. There isn't gonna BE a next year!" Danny laughed and Matt laughed, too. Danny could be annoying but he was also stupidly funny and Matt couldn't help being amused.

"I think we'll be okay," Kris said. Katy was sitting in his lap and his arms were around her. Matt wondered how they could stand all the body heat. Even thought the hot August sun had just about set it was still toasty outside, especially with the fire going. "We'll make it through."

"Congratulations, Danny," Katy added. She smiled and Kris held her closer. That's why they were Gates' perfect couple.

Matt fanned himself with the bottom of his shirt. Despite Didi's lack of direction the red team had managed to pull themselves to an impressive fourth place finish, mostly thanks to Anoop, who not only dominated in the Bible Trivia Challenge but also the Three Point Shoot-off and played a mean game of touch football with Tim as quarterback.

He didn't know where Anoop was now. Scott finally made his way to the podium and accepted the trophy. The Student Activities Committee started rolling in the ingredients for Smores and they had coolers full of ice cream treats but Scott stepped up to the mic.

"Thank you so much," Scott said. It wasn't customary for the winner of the Gates Games to make a speech but this was Scott. He never missed an opportunity to hear himself talk. Everyone stopped moving. Matt stared down at the coolers, longingly.

"I must say that sometimes people think God took something away from me," Scott said. "But that's nothing compared to what he gave me. I just want to thank God for his strength that translated into my own and for giving me the wisdom to lead my team in the right way. I couldn't do it without God. And I couldn't do it without my teammates. Thanks, guys. And thank you, everyone at Gates College, for truly being my home and my family for the past three years, soon to be four. I'm really going to miss everyone when I'm gone. But we'll always be connected by our memories and our faith. Thank you. Praise the Lord!"

"Amen! Go Scott! Preach it!" random voices called out from the audience and everyone clapped again. Matt clapped too, sitting up straighter. It was still a little strange and sad that this was the last Gates Games he was ever going to have.

"Alright!" Lil called. She was also president of the Student Activities Committee. It went well with her loud voice. "Let's have some treats! Y'all come down and get some smores and ice cream!"

Everyone cheered and Matt jumped out of his seat. He ran down toward the fire, grabbing the first skewer he could find.

"Get that marshmallow nice and hot!" Lil said to him.

"You know it," Matt said with a laugh. He stuck his marshmallow directly into the flame and watched it light up.

It was packed down by the fire. Matt made his way carefully through the crowd, double fisting two smores and a Klondike bar. He stumbled up the stairs trying to make it back to his seat but he recovered without too much trouble. He paused to take a big bite out of one of his smores.

"Those must be good," someone said behind him. Matt turned around and slipped down a step. Anoop reached out to steady him.

"Hey," Matt said, feeling stupid and also greedy.

"I've never had a smore," Anoop said.

Matt stared at him for a moment. Then he held out his hand with the half-eaten smore and the untouched one.

"Want one?" he asked, lamely.

To his surprise, Anoop coaxed the uneaten smore from his hand. He took a careful bite and shrugged.

"I guess you can't really go wrong with marshmallows and chocolate," he said. Matt managed to smile weakly. He didn't know what it was about Anoop that got him so flustered.

"It's good," Anoop said.

"You can make more." Matt pointed down at the fire. "They're for everyone."

"You've got chocolate on your mouth," Anoop said. Matt stood perfectly still as Anoop reached over and gently rubbed his thumb against the corner of Matt's lips. Matt didn't think he could breathe even if he wanted to.

"Hey Anoop," Danny said, as he made his way up the steps with Kris and Katy right behind him. "I was thinking. We can read scripture every night before we go to bed. What do you think?"

"Sure," Anoop said, dropping his hand casually. "I'll tell you where to look."

"We heard you kicked butt at the bible trivia," Kris said. "Way to go."

"Thanks," Anoop said. He walked back with them up to their spot but he sat closer to Kris.

"How'd you know all that stuff?" Danny asked. His Choco Taco was starting to drip down his hand.

"I remember what I read," Anoop said. He sucked on his fingers lightly after he finished his smore. Matt distracted himself with his Klondike bar.

"So you read the Bible?" Danny asked.

Anoop nodded. "Yeah. It's a good story."

Matt paused when Anoop said that. Everyone did and an uncomfortable silence floated over the group. Even Katy had her lips pressed tightly together. For the first time Matt realized that Anoop might be judging them as hard as everyone else was judging him. That he might think Christianity was just a _story_ and they were all idiots for believing.

It didn't make him feel good.

"You jumped right in there," Katy said, breaking the silence. "That's good, Anoop. It's easy to get involved. You'll see."

"Tomorrow is chapel," Danny said. "Kris, Katy and I are all worship leaders. Matt likes to sleep in."

"I don't like to sleep in," Matt said. He forced a goofy grin on his face. "I'm just better at talking to Jesus in the afternoon!"

"You're going to chapel, right?" Danny said, staring at Anoop. "You have to go to chapel."

"I'm going," Anoop said.

"You'll like it, Anoop," Katy said, sweetly. "Personally, I always think there's a message that can speak to everyone. We're not too preachy. It's more like a conversation about life. We're going to be talking about new beginnings tomorrow. You should sit up front with us. Is that okay?"

"Sure," Anoop said. "Thanks."

The music started up after that. Blake, a junior, was spinning all the latest hits, as long as they didn't have swearing or any overt sexual content. Suddenly, it was important to Matt to prove to Anoop that they were normal. They weren't just a bunch of bible-thumping, backward-thinking, bigoted Jesus Freaks who would believe anything that someone said God told them to do. They did the same things every other college student did. They knew how to have fun.

Matt jumped to his feet.

"Who wants to dance!" he said. "I feel like getting down. Who's with me?"

"Yes!" Katy said. "Come on, Kris." She tugged his arm until he got on his feet.

"You know I don't like this," Kris said, but he was grinning. He followed Katy back down the steps.

Matt knew Danny wouldn't come but he gave Anoop a silent look. He remembered Anoop's thumb on his mouth. His skin had been so soft.

Matt hurried down the stairs.

Plenty of people were dancing now. Guys and girls could dance together as long as there wasn't any touching or "bumping and grinding" as Dean Dwyer would say with a disgusted look on his face. Matt danced in a circle with Kris and Katy, doing all sorts of goofy moves to make them laugh. Then Lil grabbed his hands and he spun her around to Miley Cyrus and a stupid song by Flo Rida. He started talking to one of the freshmen, Katie Stevens, and danced with her and some of the other freshmen girls too. It was just a good time. He definitely wasn't thinking about Anoop's thumb or about the way Kris's arms looked so buff in his tight purple t-shirt as he rocked Katy side-to-side during a OneRepublic song.

"Matt," Danny said, thumping him on the back. Matt turned around, blinking at Danny in the flickering light from the bonfire.

"Look who's back," Danny said. He pointed, openly. Matt followed his finger and saw her right away. Megan Joy. She was blonde and skinny like Katy but that was about the only thing they had in common.

"Look at what she has on her arm!" Danny hissed, hitting him again. Matt didn't think anyone could miss it. She had a tattoo, not just a small one, but a big colorful tattoo that covered almost the whole length of her arm. Matt could hardly believe it. Tattoo were banned on campus. Most students who had them had the good sense to keep them hidden but they usually got reported anyway. There Megan was, just lounging by the fire, her tattoo'd arm completely exposed

"Oh, I'm reporting," Danny said. "Right now."

"Danny..." Matt said.

But Danny didn't get a chance to tell anyone. Dean Dwyer marched up to Megan and beckoned for her to follow him. Danny shook his head as they passed.

"Well, that was stupid," Danny said. Matt had to agree. Megan wasn't exactly known for following all the rules but that tattoo was just taking it too far.

"That Anoop dude is a jerk, right?" Danny said, kicking a rock.

"It's his first day," Matt said.

"'It's a good story,'" Danny mocked in a high, snobby voice that didn't sound anything like Anoop. "Who does he think he is?"

"You're not exactly the welcome committee yourself, Danny," Matt said. He didn't know why he was feeling so defensive. He'd known Danny for much longer and they were actually pretty good friends but Matt guessed he just felt like being honest.

"Nobody told me that I wouldn't be rooming with my best friend this year," Danny said, hotly. "Instead they stuck me with that--"

Dean Dwyer cleared his throat into the microphone at the Speaker Station and a hush fell over the party immediately.

"Curfew is approaching," Dean Dwyer said. "Please take the appropriate steps to make sure you make it back to your room on time. Also, remember the rules according to the Student Code of Conduct you signed. Not only are we to conduct ourselves as responsible members of the Gates College community we are also responsible disciples of Christ. Don't forget that. Also, the reporting rule is now in effect. Everything will be anonymous. Please help us to keep your fellow students on the right path. Thank you."

"See? See?" Danny patted Matt's arm again. "Did you hear what he said? We have to keep our fellow students on the right path! This really is my calling. I have to convert Anoop. Then he won't be such an asshole anymore."

"Don't swear," Matt mumbled. The party started breaking up. Katy gathered up her freshman girls to take them back to the dorm. Katie waved at Matt before she left.

Kris walked over to them, yawning. He had a sleepy look on his face that made Matt just want to tuck him in.

"I'm beat," he said, stretching his arms over his head. "I'm gonna head back."

"But it's our first night as seniors!" Danny said. "We can stay out until one. Let's go jam in Fraizer hall."

Kris yawned again and shook his head. "You guys have fun."

"I'm going in too," Matt said. He was sick of Danny anyway, at least for today. He didn't see Anoop anywhere. He didn't know why he'd want to. He just needed to go to sleep so he could clear his head.

"Night, Danny," Kris said. Matt walked with Kris through the thick grass and it felt so nice just walking with him without needing to talk. Matt didn't want to lose this. But they only had one more year.

"Hey," Kris said. Matt held the door open as they entered Clearwater Hall. The elevators were a little slow so they had to wait.

"So, I've been thinking," Kris said. His eyes were on the ground. Matt rubbed his stomach. They could make smores in the microwave. He should have taken some of the supplies.

"About what?" Matt asked.

"It's been a long time coming," Kris said. He took a deep breath. Now Matt's heart started beating and a crazy thought occurred to him. He finally allowed himself to think about the one thing he truly wanted.

What if Kris felt the same way?

"What?" Matt asked, his voice squeaking a bit. Matt cleared his throat. Kris didn't seem to notice.

"I've felt this way for a long time," Kris said as they stepped on the elevator. "I'm ready to take the next step." He reached over and took Matt's left hand. Matt's heart slammed up against his throat so hard he nearly gagged.

"This is what I want to do," Kris said. He looked up into Matt's face. He held Matt's hand in both of his and gave his hand a pat.

"Katy," he said, just as the doors opened. "Will you marry me?"

The doors opened. Matt was still gaping at him.

"Hey!" Jermaine said, standing there in the footie pajamas he often wore to bed. "You two get a room."

Kris laughed, stepping out of the elevator. "Where'd you get that onesie? It's new."

"I got my sources," Jermaine said. Kris was still laughing as the elevator doors closed behind them.

"I'm so nervous," Kris confessed. Matt closed the door to their room and took his time locking it. He couldn't look at Kris then, not right away. His hand was tingling where Kris had touched him.

"It'll be fine," Matt forced himself to say. "Of course she'll say yes. When are you going to ask?"

"The retreat," Kris said. "She loves it up there. On top of a mountain. I'll know the perfect place."

"Yeah," Matt said. He rested his forehead against the door. It was gray. He hadn't really noticed before.

"Hey, you okay, Matt?" Kris asked. "What's going on over there?"

"The door..." Matt jiggled the door knob and laughed. He hoped it was convincing. "It's stuck. I'll fix it."

"I'm going to take a shower," Kris said. As soon as the bathroom door shut Matt closed his eyes tight. Of course this shouldn't be a surprise. Pretty much everyone at Gates was engaged or married by the end of senior year. In fact, that was why a lot of people chose to go there. It was the perfect place to find your life partner, someone who shared the same values and ideals you did. Matt wanted that too but it just wasn't working. Matt had never had a girlfriend. Matt wasn't even close. Of course Kris was going to ask Katy to marry him. What did he really expect?

By the time Kris came out of the bathroom Matt was under the covers. He had his eyes closed. Kris whispered goodnight to him. Matt replayed Kris' words over and over in his head until he actually fell asleep.

* 

They stayed up late that Sunday night like they did sometimes. As long as they were quiet they could do whatever they wanted in their room after-hours. Kris sat cross-legged on the floor. He looked small inside of his oversized University of Arkansas t-shirt. Gates didn't have a football team so it was pretty much a requirement for everyone to root for the Hogs. Matt didn't care about sports too much but he was always willing to drive down to Little Rock when Kris wanted to take in a home game.

"This is crazy," Kris said. "Our last year." He was wearing his glasses. Matt loved him in his glasses when his hair was all messy. Matt wore his Gates Games t-shirt from last year and a pair of flannel pajama pants that Kris' mom gave him for Christmas last year. It was just so comfortable and familiar with Kris. Matt hoped he felt like that, too.

"I'm going to miss you," Matt said with a small smile on his face.

"Where am I going?" Kris asked. He scooted a little closer. The carpet was really nice. Another benefit to living in Clearwater Hall.

"You know what I mean," Matt said. "After this year I'll probably never see you again. You'll go to grad school in New York or something and I'll be stuck in Michigan."

"Stuck in Michigan?" Kris said. "You're going to be touring the world with your music. I'll be working at the credit union."

Matt snickered. "No way."

"McDonald's," Kris said. "Plenty of opportunities for growth."

"Stop," Matt said. He laughed. Kris could away make him laugh. He loved to make Kris laugh, too.

"So are you nervous?" Matt asked. "The big day."

"Yeah." Kris took a deep breath. "I've been thinking a lot about Katy, actually. You know, the pledge that we took."

Matt nodded. Everyone had the opportunity to make that pledge in their prayer groups. He was proud of Kris even though he didn't think he would be strong enough to make that commitment.

"You want to kiss her," Matt said, knowingly.

Surprisingly, Kris shook his head. "No, I was thinking about something else. I was thinking about why I made that pledge. It wasn't about her. It was about me."

Matt nodded even though he didn't understand. Kris looked up and held his gaze. Kris' eyes had always been beautiful. Matt made sure to memorize them. He'd been trying to memorize every part of Kris lately even though he knew it wouldn't be enough.

"What about you?" Matt asked.

"It's a lie," Kris said. He actually whispered and Matt had to lean in closer. "See..." Kris was still staring. Matt didn't want him to stop.

"I don't want my first kiss to be with Katy," Kris said. "I want it to be with you."

Matt didn't have time to react. He didn't have time to move. Kris was right there. He was _right there_ and then his lips were on him.

The kiss was sweet and light, tender yet curious. Matt couldn't believe Kris had never kissed someone before. His lips fit perfectly in-between Matt's and he gently cupped Matt's face. A shiver started right below Matt's neck and traveled down his back. Kris kissed him harder, using his tongue now, just a little. Matt moaned. He couldn't help it. If he could think he would have been so happy but right now everything in the world existed in this moment, in this kiss. There was nothing more than Kris' lips on his lips and Kris' hand on his face. Matt whispered the words he'd always longed to say. He wanted to say them exactly like this.

"I love you," Matt said.

He couldn't see. The sun was in his eyes. Matt squinted and Kris pulled away. Where did the sun come from? It was the middle of the night.

Then Matt sat straight up in his bed, alarm blaring. It was 9am. Kris' bed was made. His bible was gone. Chapel started in an hour. Matt was shaking. He wasn't cold but he rubbed his arms anyway.

It was just a dream.

Matt moved to get out of bed and realized he was hard. He groaned and flopped back against the covers. It was Sunday so he couldn't even pretend to justify masturbating in the shower. He took a deep breath and covered his face with his hands.

"God," he mumbled. "I'm trying so hard. _So_ hard. Please help me."

Matt lowered his hands and stared at the ceiling. He hoped he would see the answer to his prayer. But nothing happened except he was still hard and he couldn't do anything about his erection except wait for it to pass and try not to be late to chapel.

He tried not to think about it but sometimes the doubts crept into his mind. Danny said they all received a testimony that they were supposed to come to Gates College but Matt didn't feel that way at all. Matt followed all the rules. He read the Bible. He went to church. He lead youth groups. He prayed. He listened. He waited. He was patient.

He didn't think God talked to him at all.

Maybe Anoop was right.

Eventually, Matt got up and made his way to the shower. He grabbed the washcloth his mom gave him and soaped it up really good. He attempted this every morning but no matter how hard he scrubbed his body he could never get completely clean.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I wish I could have fit in World Religions," Kris said. "Sounds much better than Macroeconomics."_
> 
> "30 Ways to Pull of Your Toenails is better than Macroeconomics," Matt said.
> 
> "Can you really think of 30 ways?" Kris asked, sitting next to Matt on his bed. Matt closed his text book. For some reason he wanted his curiosity to be private.
> 
> "Smash your foot in the door," Matt said. "Stick pins under your toenails."
> 
> "That's two ways," Kris said.
> 
> "Well I haven't taken the class yet," Matt said. "Give me time to learn!"

Usually chapel was pretty causal but everyone dressed up on the first Sunday of each month and the first Sunday of the semester. Matt hoped the wrinkles in his khakis would fall out as he walked across campus. He was finally able to leave the room but he didn't have time to get breakfast so he was eating a couple of cold pop-tarts to tide him over. Sunday brunch was better, anyway. All the food in the cafeteria before chapel was cold and bland.

Matt always missed his friends over the summer but sometimes he thought he missed the campus the most, especially on a hazy August morning such as this when the grass was thick and damp and the trees arched about him, leafy, green and welcoming. The campus consisted of low brick buildings and lots of green space. There was a creek running through the back of campus were people could catch frogs or try to fish. It was a flat campus but that was fine with Matt. He didn't want to walk up and down a bunch of hills away.

The chapel was in the middle of campus, the focal point of everything. Matt loved the bell tower, the way it rose high in the bright sky and the bells chimed every hour on the hour. The bells were a great way to keep track of time in class without being obvious about looking at the time on a watch or phone. Once the bells chimed again that usually meant it was time to go. There were elegant stained glass windows depicting important moments from the bible. Matt liked the heavy golden brown wooden doors. They seemed to shut so tightly but they were always open. Chapel was always available, day and night. There had been a few late-night moments when Matt found himself in a pew. He felt a sense of calm whenever he was near and that was exactly what he needed.

"Matt! Hey, Matt!" someone called behind him. Matt turned around and saw Megan jogging over to him in a short skit and a tight t-shirt. She had a bright white bandage wrapped around her whole arm. It looked like she had been in an accident but Matt knew it was just the tattoo.

"Hey!" Megan said when she finally caught up. "Oh my God, I didn't get to say hi last night."

"Megan," Matt said. He hugged her and lifted her off the ground. Her hair was a crazy curly, a blonde afro that looked wild and amazing at the same time. Matt knew she wouldn't go down quietly.

"So great to see someone sane around here!" Megan said with her arms still around him.

"I don't know about that," Matt said, raising his eyebrows.

"Close enough." Megan kissed his cheek and let him go. "So good to see you, Matt. Where's Kris? Oh he's a Worship Leader this year, right? Damn."

"Yeah," Matt said. He pointed at Megan's bandaged arm. "What did you do?"

"Oh God." Megan rolled her eyes. "I know you heard about this. Look, I wanted a tattoo. I didn't even have to wait to be reported. Dean Dwyer, his eyes are just... magnetic!"

"But your whole arm?" Matt said, tilting his head. He tried to re-imagine it but it was hard to remember the details .

"Yes, my whole arm!" Megan pushed him playfully. "Don't be like them, Matt. It's my body. It's beautiful! Of course, nobody will get to see. I have to keep it covered from now on or face 'further consequences'. You should have seen Dwyer. He went off the deep end. Yelling about how disrespectful I am to the rules and to God, blah blah blah. You'd think I had an abortion in front of him."

Matt tried not to flinch at the mental image. "So what's the verdict?" he asked.

"Redemption Saturday," Megan said. "Getting up at 7am to feed the poor or whatever. Plus kitchen duty for a month. Like that's a punishment. I get to eat all the desserts first. Plus, I love all the cafeteria ladies. So all-in-all I'd say it's a win-win situation for me. I think Dean Dwyer is getting old. What happened to the hard labor he used to make me do like picking up trash in the main parking lot?"

Matt cracked a smile. Megan had been skirting around the rules since day one and she always got caught. Matt remembered seeing her in the boys' dorm after curfew which was strictly forbidden, both because she was out after-hours and because the opposite sex wasn't allowed to visit the dorms until senior year. It wasn't a secret that Megan had a reputation, mostly born from that night. Matt didn't know if it was true or not but she also didn't wear a purity ring like most of the other single girls. Still, he liked Megan. She was fun and smart. She had the type of outspoken bravery he wished he had sometimes. Maybe if he hung around her long enough it would rub off on him.

"Hey," Megan said, nudging him in the side with her sharp elbow. "Is that the new guy? Anoop? He's hot." She raised her voice before Matt could answer. "Anoop! Come over here."

Anoop was on his way to chapel in a light blue dress shirt that looked good on him and a bow-tie. He looked over at Megan and ambled over to her.

"Hi," he said.

"I heard you don't believe in God," Megan said.

"Whoa," Anoop said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Word travels fast."

"You have no idea," Megan said, seriously. "Now I think that is a fine stance to have. I applaud you."

"Thanks," Anoop said, shooting Matt a funny look. He wondered what it was about Anoop that made him so _nervous_.

"You know Matt?" Megan asked, jerking a thumb in his direction.

"We met yesterday," Anoop said.

"Well, you haven't met me." Megan held out her hand. "I'm Megan."

Anoop shook her hand politely. "What happened to your arm?" he asked.

"I tried to cut the evil out," Megan said, with a straight face. Then she laughed. "No. They wish. I got a tattoo. It's not allowed. If you read that Code of Conduct contract you will see that a lot of things are forbidden. Like no hats in chapel." Megan grinned at Matt and he blushed, remembering one time freshman year when he thought it would be cool to wear a fedora to service.

"I looked over that," Anoop said.

"You just have to know that if you break a rule the administration is going to know. You will be reported. Believe me."

"What is this reporting?" Anoop asked. "I keep hearing about it."

"Basically, if you see one of your fellow students breaking a rule you _must_ report them to help them stay on the right spiritual path and save their eternal soul!" Megan shook her head. "It's required tattle-telling. It's so stupid. They say it's anonymous but it's not. Like you said, word travels fast. Everyone knows who got reported and why and who did the reporting. Keep your nose clean, Anoop."

"Good to know," Anoop said.

"So what is up with you being here?" Megan asked. "My mom is on the administration. I go here for free and she's making me. Hoping it'll change me. That's my excuse. But what's your deal? Was this really voluntary?"

Matt waited. He was very interested in the answer. Then bells began to chime and the chapel doors opened. Worship leaders stood at the entrance, ready to hand out programs and this Sunday's chapel snack which was a granola bar.

"You got someone to sit with?" Megan asked Anoop.

"Katy asked me to sit up front," Anoop said.

"With the Worship Leaders? God no." Megan looked horrified. "They'll probably make you light a candle or lead a hymn or something. You'll sit with us. We're going to sit in the back. Right, Matt?" She grabbed his arm and shook him a little. "Why are you so quiet? He's usually not this quiet. You alright, Matt?"

"I'm fine," Matt said. "I'm tired."

"Come on," Megan said. She looped her arm through Anoop's too and led them both up the stairs to the open double doors that lead inside the chapel. Danny manned the door along with one of the other Worship Leaders, Brooke White. He gave Matt a look as he passed. Matt shrugged, clutching his program.

Inside the chapel was the same as always. The same reddish brown pews, the elegant pulpit with the banners that said peace in many different languages. Pastor Ryan always said a few words but mostly he acted as host during the mostly student led service. One of the senior requirements was they needed to write and deliver a Sunday sermon. Matt planned to put that off for as long as possible. He really didn't think he had anything that important to say.

Megan sat in the middle of the two of them. They watched everyone walk inside, reunions still happening every couple of minutes.

"This service is going to be long," Megan said, slouching down on the pew. "Wake me when it's over."

Matt looked over at Anoop once Megan closed her eyes.

"Did you actually tie that?" Matt asked. Anoop gave him a confused look and then fingered his bow tie.

"Oh yeah," he said. "I did. It's a little much, isn't it?"

"I just wear khakis," Matt said. He looked down at his pants. Unfortunately, they were still wrinkled. "That's pretty much all you need."

"I thought I'd make a good first impression," Anoop said.

"Every other Sunday you can wear jeans," Matt said. He was aware this was a stupid conversation. "If you want."

"There's a lot to learn," Anoop said.

"Did Danny really read scripture to you last night?" Matt asked.

"Oh yeah." Anoop chuckled a little. "Yeah, he did. We actually stayed up talking about it for quite a while."

"He's a little intense," Matt said. "But he's a good guy. If you get to know him."

Anoop shrugged. "I know he means well."

"Danny read scripture to you?" Megan piped up, opening an eye. "What a tool." She settled back into her cat nap. Anoop stared straight ahead at everyone coming in. But all Matt could focus on was Anoop.

"It doesn't really matter to me," Matt blurted out all of a sudden. "What you believe." He bit his lip, looking at Anoop.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't have an open mind," Anoop said. He kept staring at Matt until Matt had to turn away.

Now all the worship leaders walked down the aisle, two by tow. Kris and Katy waved as they passed, each holding a candle that they set down up front. After that, everyone stood and the singing started.

The music was Matt's favorite part of church. Every couple of months, Promises got to play a few songs during service. Sometimes they had a choir. But most of the time it was just everyone singing from their seats to the simple piano accompaniment that various people played from the front of the room, voices blending together in a genuine way. Matt thought that was the best way to honor God. He never felt anymore honest than when he was singing.

Hymn books were available under the pews but Matt pretty much knew them all by heart. He swayed a little as he sang. It wasn't until the second verse that he noticed the clear, rich, powerful voice coming from his row.

Megan had her mouth shut. It was Anoop who held the hymn book up to his face. Matt could tell that he was reading the music perfectly and he was singing so effortlessly. There was something fresh and bright to Anoop's voice, something innocent. Everything about it was perfect, his pitch, his clarity, his tone. Anoop sang every word without stumbling. He hit every note like he'd sung it a thousand time. His eyes were on the music but his voice rose higher than everyone else until Anoop was all Matt could hear and he didn't want to listen to anything else.

Matt's chest ached when the song ended.

"Damn, Anoop," Megan said. "You can sing."

Katy stepped up to the podium to make the first student sermon of the year. Matt didn't expect it to be anything short of amazing and it still exceeded his expectations. Katy was beautiful up there, hair tied back simply, wearing a light purple dress. Katy had everything that Matt didn't. She was smart, daring, articulate, kind, a real leader, someone to look up to.

She had Kris.

Matt closed his eyes and wished he could just rid himself of all these crazy thoughts.

"There is no limit to your potential," Katy was saying. "There is nothing holding you back. If you have doubts about your future, give it up. Give it up to God. He will tell you that there's nothing to be afraid of. You deserve everything that you want. Don't hold yourself back. Give it up. He'll make sure that your dreams come true if you just follow the path God has set forth for you."

Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He tried to give it up but all the longing kept coming back. Even now as everyone stood and clapped after Katy's service his eyes slid over to Kris who was grinning so proudly. He could never compete with that, not really. He wanted to give it up so badly but it seemed like God would have no part in this and Matt couldn't blame him.

They started singing again, something upbeat, something he could clap his hands too. Matt clapped his hands but he didn't sing. Instead, he listened. In the middle of all the noise he wanted to see if there was something missing, a quiet, whispered voice that he should already know.

Instead all he could hear was Anoop, singing, and when he looked over at Anoop and caught his eye it felt like Anoop was listening to him, too.

* 

Sundays were usually hectic, especially when they had a packed service and then prayer group with the Worship Leaders and Sunday Study Support, which was a requirement only this Sunday all they mostly did was talk or go to the bookstore to buy books. At the end of the day Matt came back to the room, tired. He dumped his books on his bed. For once he was pretty excited about his classes. He used to be looking forward to Jazz the most but now another class had caught his eye.

He opened his World Religions textbook and checked the index. He sat on his bed and turned to the appropriate chapter. There was a big colorful picture on the front page of a Hindu temple. Matt stared at it for a few moments. Already the religion seemed beautiful.

"Whoa!" Kris said, walking in the room. "I think this is the first time I've seen you crack a book before finals week."

Matt looked up and grinned. "This is all an illusion," he said.

"I wish I could have fit in World Religions," Kris said. "Sounds much better than Macroeconomics."

"30 Ways to Pull of Your Toenails is better than Macroeconomics," Matt said.

"Can you really think of 30 ways?" Kris asked, sitting next to Matt on his bed. Matt closed his text book. For some reason he wanted his curiosity to be private.

"Smash your foot in the door," Matt said. "Stick pins under your toenails."

"That's two ways," Kris said.

"Well I haven't taken the class yet," Matt said. "Give me time to learn!"

They laughed together and Matt felt mostly normal.

"Katy was amazing today," Matt said. He and Kris weren't in any of the same groups. They'd hardly gotten a chance to talk to each other all day.

"Yeah," Kris said. "She was nervous."

"I couldn't tell."

"You never can with Katy," Kris said. "She's something else."

"Do you have the ring?" Matt asked. Remembering made his palms sweat.

"We're going to use her grandmother's ring," Kris said. "Her family is arranging that. They're very excited."

"Me too," Matt said. He didn't know why he said it but now he couldn't take it back.

"Telling you made it seem real," Kris said. He stood up and crossed the room. "Really real." Kris opened his closet door and pulled out his guitar. Matt laid back on his bed

"I wanna play you something," Kris said. "Tell me if you think we can use it."

Matt nodded. Kris leaned against the wall and began playing. He'd worked out an acoustic version of Kanye's song Jesus Walks and Matt thought it sounded like something that should be performed immediately.

"Incredible," Matt said. He jumped off the bed. "We have to make this happen! You need to show Danny tomorrow."

"Can we make it into a full band arrangement?" Kris asked. "Then he might be open to it."

"Good idea." Matt pulled his keyboard from under his bed and set it on his stand, adjusting it so he could sit on his bed and play it. They fiddled around for a good hour, figuring out the best arrangement. Matt made the piano part as complicated as he could. He really wanted to show off when they had a chance to play the song for the rest of the band.

"Think of this as an audition," Kris said. "We'll show Danny that you'll be great on the keys and that we should really start thinking about taking our music in a new direction. There's so many songs out there that we haven't explored. I get sick of playing the same ones all the time."

"We could do gospel," Matt said, thinking out loud. "We can just change it up a little. I heard this great song by Blackstreet that I think would be perfect."

"We just have to present it in the right way," Kris said. "We have to make Danny think he came up with the idea. Otherwise, he won't go for it."

Matt would have laughed if it wasn't true. Instead he just looked at Kris seriously as Kris hugged his guitar to his chest.

"You know what?" Matt asked. He didn't take time to think about it, just went with the idea that was in his head. "You know what would also help us have a different sound? If we had a different singer sometimes. Anoop is really good. He had a really soulful voice. It would be good for gospel stuff or Kanye West or whatever. What if we asked him to sing with us sometimes?"

Kris stared at him for a moment. Matt fiddled with his keyboard, pressing a finger against Middle C over and over again.

"That's a great idea," Kris said. "I'd love for Anoop to sing with us."

"Even if he's not..." Matt trailed off, looking at his World Religions book. He honestly signed up for the class because it was supposed to be an easy A. Now he was thinking that there was a lot out there he needed to know about.

"If he wants to, he's welcome," Kris said, confidently. "Everyone is welcome."

"No matter what?" Matt asked. He played a quick scale on the piano one more time and then he started putting the keyboard away.

"Yeah, Matt," Kris said. When he glanced up at him Kris was looking at him seriously. "You know that."

For a moment Matt considered telling him. Not about _everything_ but maybe he would admit that he thought about guys sometimes. He hoped he wouldn't have to say more than that but Kris would just know. Maybe he'd look at him like Matt looked at the temple in the picture. He'd think that he didn't understand Matt but this was something that he wanted to know.

Of course, that would never happen. If Matt told Kris would just have to report him and Matt's punishment would be way worse than spending every meal helping the cafeteria ladies in the kitchen. So Matt took a deep breath and pushed it out of his mind just like he did every single day.

"Let's bring it up with Danny," Matt said. "Then we'll ask Anoop. Danny's gonna agree with us. What's the worst that can happen?"

"He gets really upset and kicks us out of the band and then Dean Dwyer decides we're useless and he kicks us out of school and we decide to go try to make it in New York but we actually suck and we end up on skid row and we lose our teeth." Kris said, all in one breath. Matt stared at him and then they both started laughing.

"What!" Matt said. "Did you start sniffing your guitar glue again?"

"It needed some repairing," Kris said. He flopped on the bed and leaned against Matt, just laughing. Matt put his arm around Kris as they both laughed. It felt right, Kris' tousled brown hair resting against his chest. Matt felt like this was how things were supposed to be. He knew it was wrong but he let himself enjoy it.

Just for a little while.


	5. Chapter 5

It took four years but Matt had finally worked out the perfect schedule. He didn't have any classes before noon and his Fridays were free except for Fellowship and teen youth group in the evening. Unfortunately, the cafeteria only served breakfast until 10 and Matt needed some pancakes. So he hauled himself out of bed and didn't even bother changing out of his pajamas, which was a West Michigan University t-shirt and a pair of black shorts. He slipped on his flip-flops and made his way out of the dorm and across campus to the cafeteria.

Of course, Kris was gone. He liked to get his classes done early in order to be free for his many activities in the afternoon. Matt could barely think of a club that Kris _wasn't_ in. He was even the business manager of Katy's dance group although he'd probably die before he got on stage with them to do a routine.

Matt liked to eat with Kris but there were plenty of other people around. He wasn't worried when he walked in the dining hall and grabbed his tray. Immediately, Katie Stevens, the freshman from the bonfire, caught his eye and gave him an enthusiastic wave. She was sitting with a group of freshman girls that would probably be entertaining. Then he saw Brooke and Katelyn sitting across the room, two talented girls that were in the upper level piano classes with him. They kept his secret that he faked his way through reading the music most of the time. Matt knew he should do something about that but he hadn't quite been able to admit it to his instructor yet.

There were plenty of possibilities as Matt waited for his pancakes. He also helped himself to some scrambled eggs and a couple slices of bacon. Katelyn and Brooke looked wrapped up in a serious conversation so he headed toward Katie when Anoop caught his eye.

He was sitting by himself at a table in the middle of the room. Matt had never seen someone look so comfortable sitting alone. He could hardly fathom it. He glanced away, heart pounding hard for some reason. It would be best to just keep walking. Anoop probably wanted to be alone. But when he got closer he saw what Anoop was fiddling with as he calmly ate some toast.

"Is that the new iPhone?" Matt asked eagerly, as soon as he was beside Anoop's table. Anoop looked up at him and then gave him a kind smile.

"Yeah, actually," Anoop said. "I just got it last week."

"How is it?" Matt sat across from Anoop without even asking. He hadn't even gotten a chance to play with the new iPhone in the apple store yet though he'd been dying too. Now it was right in front of him. He couldn't resist.

"You know, I was really thinking about switching it up," Anoop said. "To an Android or something. You know, like the Evo. But this is really amazing. It's the upgrade that the iPhone really needed. I'm impressed."

Matt pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. "I've still got 7 months until my upgrade. I'm dying."

Anoop laughed a little. "Wanna see?" he asked. He slid the phone toward Matt. He was glad he hadn't opened his syrup packet yet. Matt took the phone carefully. The first thing he noticed was Anoop's background, a picture of him and a bunch of other guys with their arms around each other. They looked pretty close. Matt wondered if those were the friends that Anoop had left behind.

"It's so smooth," Matt said. He didn't really want to snoop but he tried out a few applications, impressed that they could function at the same time.

"It is really responsive," Anoop said. "Try writing a note. It's even easier to use the touch screen keyboard."

Matt didn't even know what to write. He pressed a few random letters and he could see what Anoop meant. There was hardly any mistyping at all.

"How's the video?" Matt asked. "I always had this idea to video when we're on stage preforming, like the band. Have an insider's perspective, put it up on YouTube. I don't know how I would do it but I'd love to do with my new iPhone. Is the editing cool?"

"Try it," Anoop said. "I think the button is on the bottom."

Matt found the video function easily and he started recording. Anoop waved at him. Matt moved the iPhone so he could get a sweeping shot of the entire room. It was amazing how he could be so used to everyone, so used to the routine. But talking to Anoop and using his iPhone was new and exciting.

"It's crystal clear," Matt said, watching the playback. "Oh man, I really need this! I don't think I can wait seven months. I have so many ideas about what I'd do with this. A lot of other colleges have blogs on their website, student blogs. We could do a video student blog, just upload it straight from the phone. So people would know what it's really like to come here."

"I like that," Anoop said.

Matt realized his pancakes were getting cold. He reluctantly handed the phone back to Anoop.

"You better keep that close," Matt said, opening the syrup packet now. "Or that phone just might disappear."

"I usually keep it in my pants," Anoop said. "Unless I have a reason not to." Matt paused pouring his syrup for a moment.

"Right," Matt said, getting a funny feeling in the back of his throat. He wasn't sure why.

They didn't say anything for a few moments. Anoop looked comfortable with the silence but Matt couldn't stand being silent.

"So what's your first class?" Matt blurted out. He covered his mouth after a moment because he was still chewing.

"History of the Bible," Anoop said. "It's in Clemson Hall. I haven't been there. Is it painted orange?"

Matt stared at him and then swallowed. "No," he said, mouth clear. "I think it's just regular."

Anoop smiled, wanly. "I was joking. Clemson is a university in South Carolina. Their school colors include orange... you know, the sports uniforms."

"Oh!" Matt said like he knew but of course he didn't know that. "Oh, right. Ha. No, it's not orange."

Anoop waved a hand. "It was lame..."

Matt laughed anyway, not just to patronize Anoop but because when he thought about it he found the whole thing kind of amusing. Nobody joked around about sports uniforms with him before.

"Is that where you went? Oh wait--" Matt cut himself off, feeling like an idiot. "You're from North Carolina."

"Yeah, I went to the University of North Carolina," Anoop said.

"Was it nice?" Matt asked. He really was interested. He loved visiting other schools when they had conferences or something like that. Everything seemed so different. "How big was it?"

"Well, it's a big school," Anoop said. "Not the biggest but much bigger than here. This college is smaller than my high school."

"Wow," Matt said. "You must have gone to a really big high school."

"Or we go to a really small college," Anoop said. He smiled in a way that Matt couldn't interpret. He got that funny feeling again, like Anoop was making fun of them somehow. He shook his head a little as if to clear his thoughts.

"I like that it's small," Matt said. "Makes it easier for everyone to get to know you. I guess."

Anoop nodded. "Yeah. I guess some people feel lost at Carolina because it's so big. I was in an acapella singing group there so I felt like people knew me, somewhat."

Matt's eyes widened, remembering Anoop's voice in chapel. It almost made me feel a bit light-headed. "You have a great voice," Matt said. "I heard you singing."

"Thanks," Anoop said. Matt wondered if what he said was weird but Anoop didn't look weirded out at all. "I enjoy it."

"Really? Well we have a choir... maybe you can join. They sing every other Sunday."

"That's okay," Anoop said. "I'm going to be busy just keeping up."

"Or my band," Matt added quickly. "We... I don't know but maybe you could sing with us? I think it would be cool if we had a new type of voice so we could sing more music. I know you didn't get to hear much on the first night but we're pretty good. I think. I'm not... I mean, I'm not vain or anything but--"

"Yeah," Anoop said, laughing a little. "I heard you guys too. You are good."

Matt wrinkled his nose, just to control his blush. He felt silly but he went on anyway. "Kris and I were thinking about trying out more... I don't know, gospel-type music. You have a better voice for that stuff than Danny. At least what I heard. Danny is the musical director."

"I was the musical director for my group," Anoop said. "Before I left."

Matt swallowed, now convinced that bringing this up with Anoop was a good idea. "You can give him some tips. I think it's a good idea. I'll talk to Danny about it. Is that okay?"

"Sure," Anoop said. "Why not? I can never have enough of Danny."

Matt laughed in relief when Anoop laughed. It felt nice to laugh with him.

"What's your favorite part about Gates?" Anoop said, once their laughter had died down. He looked at Matt with such a kind intensity in his brown eyes that Matt felt guilty for thinking that he was looking down on them just a minute earlier.

"My favorite part...?" Matt repeated. He glanced around the room. "I guess, it's just the people. Having a community like this. Most people don't want to hear about God and the influence he has on your life and how you're struggling with your faith and being a better person for God but here that's just an everyday conversation. I like being around people who understand how important that is to me and it's important to them too. I like that we have the same values and the same goals just to live a Christ-driven life. I know..." Matt trailed off. He felt a little funny saying all of that to Anoop but it was the truth.

"We talk about other things too," Matt added.

"No, I like that," Anoop said. "I like that's your favorite part."

"History of the Bible was one of my favorite classes," Matt said. "I love history. I was even thinking about being a history major. I read about it... I watch the History channel a lot. It's fascinating how much of the bible can be traced back to history. Plus the professor is really good. You have professor Foxx, right? Sometimes he gets all up in your face and really makes you think. He hands out t-shirts... well, I won't ruin the surprise. He's a really good mentor, at least, I think so."

"That sounds cool," Anoop said. "Maybe you can help me study sometimes. I didn't really want to let Danny know but he may be right. Completing a minor in a year is going to be a major undertaking."

Matt smiled, a bit wider than he meant to. "Sure. Yeah! I'd love to help you. No problem. Whenever you want, that's great. It's probably the same textbook and everything."

"Great." Anoop crushed the napkin he'd been holding in his hand, sat it on top of his tray. "So what do you guys do for fun? Off-campus."

"Off-campus?" Matt repeated.

"Is there an off-campus?" Anoop asked. He looked amused.

"Yeah, I mean, there's the town." Matt shrugged. "It's really small. And... you know, the Code of Conduct. No alcohol. So nobody really goes out to the bars. There's a bowling alley though. It's pretty cool."

"I suck at bowling," Anoop said.

"Me too," Matt said, eagerly. "I think my best was a 95. I said everyone could just call me Tiger Woods."

They both laughed. They;d been talking so much that Matt's pancakes were mostly cold now much he didn't care.

"I'd better go," Anoop said. "My class starts soon. So I'll see you later."

"Yeah, show me your syllabus tonight," Matt said. "I want to see if it's the same."

"Tonight?" Anoop stood up and smoothed out his shirt. He was wearing white and it looked good on him.

"Yeah, you wanna eat dinner with me?" Matt asked. Then he quickly added, "And Kris probably. And if Danny sees us he'll probably eat with us. I don't know if Katy will. And there's always Lil--"

"Sure," Anoop said. "What time do you guys usually eat?"

"Around 5:30. It's good to get there early for the best food."

"Okay," Anoop said. "I'll see you then."

"Okay," Matt said, a little too loudly as Anoop was leaving. Anoop looked over his shoulder and flashed him a grin. Matt couldn't help thinking once again that Anoop had a really great smile. He kept the picture of Anoop's grin in his mind as he quickly finished his cold pancakes.

* 

Matt waited for Danny's signal. Then he raised his sticks over his head and counted them off.

"One, two, three, four."

Everyone started going through the motions, except for Tim, who always played the same whether he was practicing, jamming with them casually or performing on stage, easy-going and confidently. They practiced in a big multipurpose room in the Student Activities Center where the gym and the pool was. Danny had an imaginary audience as he belted his way through "You Raise Me Up." Matt liked the song a lot, it was just a little boring for him to play and they had done it so many times he didn't even know why they were wasting practice time on it. Plus, Danny didn't exactly have the voice to pull it off but they didn't bother saying that to him.

Kris turned around and smiled at Matt, knowingly, while he strummed his guitar. Matt nodded at him. They figured they'd jump in during the next break and show everyone what they had been working on.

"You raise me uppppppppppppppppp," Danny sang, voice shaking and then fizzling out at the end of the note. He took a noisy breath and continued. Matt crashed the cymbals at the end. Danny glared.

"That's not how it goes," Scott said.

"Ooops," Matt said. Kris laughed.

"That's exactly what we were talking about," Danny said. "You guys never take this seriously."

"I am serious," Matt said. "It was just a joke."

"Everything's just a joke to you," Danny said. "When we practice everything has to be correct every single time."

"Come on," Kris said, stepping closer to Matt. Danny was still at the front of the room but his microphone made everything unnecessarily loud. "What's the big deal?"

"I've been thinking about this a lot," Danny said. He waved everyone over. "Let's sit down."

Matt slipped off his stool and now his heart was actually racing. They joked around like that all the time and now suddenly it was wrong?

They sat in a circle near the wall that was lined with mirrors. Matt imagined Katy's dance team practicing in here with short shorts and tight tank tops while Kris totaled all the money from their latest show. Kris, as the business manager, was in charge of the money. Matt didn't know why he couldn't get that image out of his brain.

Tim flipped his hair as he sat when his guitar in his lap. Matt settled beside him and tried to catch Kris' eye but he was just frowning. Danny didn't sit. He just paced in front of him.

"Last year, Mr. Cowell appointed me musical director of this group because he knew he could trust me with the musical direction of this group," Danny started. Matt would have laughed if everything weren't so serious. He wished he had a guitar he could clutch to his chest too.

"David had a lot of good ideas when he was musical director," Danny said. "He was always into changing things and making the same songs sound different. I guess you guys thought it was fun but I always wondered if that's something we should be doing. When we're singing God's word and singing for God there has to be a certain level of respect for the music we choose to present to him."

Kris raised his hand. "There's always respect. But there's nothing wrong with being creative--"

"Anyway," Danny said, loudly, cutting him off. Kris dropped his hand by his side. "That whole remixing thing? That was David's idea, not mine. Now that I'm in charge I think we should go in a different direction. This band needs to be more traditional. It needs to be closer to God and further away from mainstream music."

Matt bit his lip. He thought about the songs he and Kris had been working on, his desire to upstage Scott on the piano. Nobody was going to give him a chance if all they were going to play was old lady church music. Anyone could play that.

"So what does that mean?" Tim asked, simply.

"Back in the 70s the founding members of this band named it _Promises_ because we all made the promise to honor God through our music, not create crazy mash-ups and write songs that barely have anything to do with Jesus at all!" Danny looked at Kris when he said that. Kris simply stared back.

"All my songs have plenty of do with Jesus," Kris said.

"Whatever!" Danny threw up his hands. "The point is we're not going to sing them anymore. We are going to go back to the original approved song list they had in the 70s. We are just going to sing the songs we should have sung in the first place. No more original stuff."

"I agree with him," Scott said. "There's plenty of classics that we've never touched. It's not like we won't have plenty of material."

"We don't play them because they're _boring_!" Matt said before he could stop himself.

"Well, I'm sorry if God bores you," Scott said.

"That's not what he said," Kris said. "Think about this. You didn't even discuss it with us."

"I didn't need to discuss it," Danny said. "I'm the musical director. This is my direction."

"People have come to expect a certain type of sound from us," Kris said. "They've been excited..."

"It's time for them to curb their expectations," Scott said.

"Yeah," Danny said. "What he said. This is what we're going to do this year. I heard it in chapel yesterday. This is the right thing to do."

Matt wondered if Danny could be lying. What if he didn't hear anything at all? But it would be terrible to lie about God like that. Matt took a deep breath. He had to believe him.

"Was You Raise Me Up a song in the 70s?" Tim asked.

"All of the songs have to be approved by me," Danny said. "That's basically what I'm saying."

Matt raised his hand again, remembering his conversation with Anoop. He had to try. "But I had an idea," Matt said. "We should invite Anoop--"

"Anoop!" Danny said incredulously. "Are you serious? That's the last thing they'd want. That someone like Anoop could be in our band."

"What?" Kris said, rising to his feet. "Someone like Anoop?"

"You know what I mean," Danny said. "He doesn't even believe in God."

Kris shook his head. "Danny..." He trailed off into a sigh. "I'm kind of upset right now."

"I didn't mean anything bad by it," Danny said. "He's just not one of us. This group is about God. That's all I'm saying."

"I'm going to go," Kris said. "See you guys later."

Matt watched Kris walk out of the room with his mouth open. He had never seen Kris do anything like that before. He must have been really angry. When Matt turned back to Danny he looked really flustered.

"I didn't say anything bad about Anoop!" he insisted. "He's my _roommate_."

"I guess it's better to talk about these things first," Tim said. He strummed his guitar softly. "Instead of just springing them on us. I'm cool with traditional songs but I like new ones too."

"It wasn't supposed to be a big deal," Danny said.

"I just thought Anoop could help," Matt said. He wanted to go find Kris. He had to see if he was okay. "He used to be the musical director of his acapella group at this old school. Whatever, Danny. I take this seriously, too."

He walked out of the room and nobody tried to stop him. Matt stuffed his drumsticks in his backpocket as he started speedwalking down the hall. He found Kris near the front door, on his way out.

"Wait up," Matt called. Kris held the door open for him.

"You okay?" Matt asked, as soon as he was beside him. They both stepped into the bright sunshine. It was still a beautiful day. They couldn't tell from the multipurpose room. It didn't have any windows.

"Yeah," Kris said. "Just disappointed."

"We should have just played Jesus Walks," Matt said. "Even Danny would have to say it's really cool."

Kris nodded slowly. "Yeah. But then again, I don't really feel like sharing it with him anymore."

The Student Activities Center was on the far side of campus. They began walking back to the dorm on the smooth sidewalk. Matt looked up as the bell in Gates Chapel began to ring, strong and loud. It was five-o-clock.

"We should tell Cook," Matt said. "Leave him a note on Facebook. Maybe he could tell Mr. Cowell. He used to love those arrangements Cook would do. This wasn't his idea. What do you think?"

Kris shook his head. "Nah. It's not Cook's problem."

"We could tell Mr. Cowell," Matt said. "Tell him that Danny's just a dictator. Nobody agrees with him. Well, nobody except Scott. Everyone is really going to be bored, they really are. I mean, can you imagine Gatesfest, now? It's supposed to be a party! We have to do something."

Kris crossed his arms. Matt hated seeing him so quiet.

"I just have to think about it," Kris said.

"Hey!" Katy called. She was there all of a sudden, running across the thick grass to meet them. "Hey Matt. Kris, I heard about your fight with Danny. Goodness."

"It wasn't exactly a fight," Kris said. "We just had a disagreement."

"Let's talk about it. He was being really unreasonable," Katy said. Matt wasn't surprised she had already heard. News traveled fast on campus. He stepped away from Kris as Katy put her arm around him.

"You look so sad," Katy said. She rubbed Kris' arm. It made Matt's heart ache. Kris did look sad but unlike Katy there was nothing Matt could do about it.

"I've just got a lot of thoughts," Kris said.

"We can figure it out," Katy said. She rubbed Kris's arm some more and then he stopped walking and turned to hug her tightly. Matt stood there, uncomfortably. It was a private moment between them, the type of moment he would never have.

"Hey," Matt said. "I'm going back to the room. I'll see you at dinner," he added, even though he knew he probably wouldn't.

Everything was quiet when he got back to the dorm because it was that strange in-between time when everyone was getting out of their last class and heading over to the cafeteria for dinner. Matt made it back to the room but he hadn't knew what to do with himself. He sat down on his bed for a moment but it didn't feel right. He crossed the room carefully and sat on Kris' bed. Then he laid back and put his head on the pillow. It smelled like Kris. Everything did.

Matt couldn't stop the thought from creeping in his mind. Maybe this was his fault. A punishment that Kris had to be dragged into somehow. He knew how much Kris was looking forward to performing all their new songs all year long. Matt had been looking forward to it too.

He wondered what Kris and Katy were doing. Probably having an intimate conversation by the creek on one of the benches that the class of 2000 had donated. They were sitting close, holding each other, snuggling. Maybe their noses touched, but not their lips. Never their lips. It was a noble promise but Matt wondered how they did it. If Matt could be that close his lips would be on Kris all the time.

He closed his eyes and let the fantasy envelope him while he was laying on his back on Kris' bed. It made him shiver.

Matt jumped up when there was a knock on the door. He knew his face was red. He couldn't help feeling guilty. Matt took a couple of deep breaths before he opened the door.

Anoop was standing there. "Hey," he said. "Are you still going to dinner?"

"Hey," Matt said. He couldn't deny that he felt a little better now. "Yeah. I never miss a meal. You can probably tell." Matt patted his stomach with a smile. Anoop waited for him to grab his ID and they headed to the elevators.

Megan was outside, sitting on the steps. She jumped up when she saw them.

"Oh my God, I thought you'd never come out of there," she said, brushing off her butt. "Tell me everything. I want to know. I live for drama. Hi, Anoop. You're coming with us, right?"

She took Anoop's arm like it was the most natural thing in the world and began leading them across campus.

"So what I heard was that Danny decided that you guys would only sing songs from the Catholic church circa 1678 when they didn't even _allow_ music and we're not even Catholic! Then Kris called Danny a racist and Danny kicked Kris out of the band-- what!" Megan said, all in one breath.

"I heard that Tim raised his voice," Anoop said. "I don't know why that's significant."

"Tim _never_ raises his voice!" Megan said, squeezing Anoop's arm with her other hand. "He is always smiling and he's always calm and nice. Did Tim yell? If Tim yelled, I'm just going to flip! Did he yell, Matt?"

Matt blinked, sorting his way through both of the outrageous stories. "No," he said. "Tim didn't yell. None of that happened. It wasn't that dramatic. We just had a disagreement about the direction of the band. Danny wasn't listening to us so Kris left."

"That's nothing new," Megan said. "Danny doesn't listen to anyone. So what's the band going to be like now? Is Kris coming back? I have so many questions."

"Danny doesn't want to play anything new anymore," Matt said. "He says we've gotten away from the traditional. Or something like that."

"Whatever," Megan said. "I've thought Danny was an asshole since the time he laughed at poor Diana when she fell on the ice during our winter party. I never understood why you were friends with him. That's poor judgment, Matt. You're cool in every other way."

"Danny's fun," Matt said. He sighed because he couldn't think of the best way to describe all the crazy things they'd done together. "He's just—"

"An ass," Megan said. "Most of the time. I guess we all have our asshole friends. Anoop, do you have one?"

"I think I could think of someone," Anoop said.

"Just a fact of life," Megan said. "I have my asshole boyfriend from back home. Well, he's not my boyfriend. Anymore. Let's not talk about that. Oh hey, Anoop's in my remedial Christianity class. It's for delinquents with tattoos and Anoop, apparently. So that's going to be fun."

Anoop laughed and looked at Megan. Matt could tell they already had a couple of inside jokes. He didn't know why that made him feel a bit funny but it did.

"The Knowing Your Faith class?" Matt asked. He held the cafeteria door open for both of them. "The class Professor Jackson teaches?"

"God, yes, it's such a waste of time," Megan said. She grabbed a tray and Matt fell in step behind Anoop in line. He did see Kris and Katy but they seemed to be deep in a private conversation, tucked away at a table in the back. Danny was nowhere to be found. Matt was glad.

"So I've got an idea," Megan said as they all sat at a table in the middle. "Forget Danny. Forget Promises. I mean, I love you as a musician, Matt, and I love Kris, too. You two are _really_ talented. Really really talented. Too talented for Promises. It's always been a mediocre deal. With you guys it's better but still... why does there only have to be one band on campus? Why don't you start your own band?"

"What?" Matt said. He took a bite of his mashed potatoes, taking it all in.

"Yeah! You could play drums and Kris is on guitar and hell, you can find another keyboard player and you could have a bass player or--"

"I could play keys!" Matt exclaimed.

"Or keys. Whatever, Matt. I forgot you play piano. It's your band. You could do anything."

"Anoop could sing," Matt said, without thinking about it. He looked at Anoop and hoped he wasn't being too forward.

"That's a fabulous idea," Megan said. "Anoop can sing his ass off. See the possibilities here? You don't even have to sing Christian music all the time. There's plenty more out there. Be in charge, Matt. You can handle it. You deserve it."

Anoop had been eating broccoli the whole time. He put down his fork, swallowing his last bite. "I like this idea," Anoop said. "Competition is very healthy. I think your band and Danny's band would benefit if you decide to do it."

"You and Kris can write all the songs," Megan said. "And perform them without any approval. It just makes sense. Why didn't we do this already?"

Matt was still looking at Anoop. "Would you want to be in our band?" he asked, slowly. He didn't know what it was about Anoop that made him feel so shy sometimes. It really wasn't like him but he didn't exactly dislike it.

"Sure," Anoop said. "It's a good idea."

"Great!" Megan said. She banged her fist on the table authoritatively so their glasses rattled and people looked over at them. "Then it's all set. We're starting a band. I'm the manager. Rehearsal will be this Friday, after fellowship, so I have something to look forward to in life. Be there or be square. It's a deal. Let's shake on it."

Megan reached across the table and crushed his hand in a handshake. Matt shook his hand out when it was over, wondering how she got such an iron grip. Maybe it was the new tattoo. She shook Anoop's hand too. Then Anoop offered his hand to Matt. He took it, expecting another bone-crushing handshake, but Anoop was gentle, yet firm. His hand was soft and he didn't let Matt go after the handshake was over. Instead he covered the back of Matt's hands with his other hand and patted him there a couple of times.

"My work here is done," Megan said. "Where's the dessert? Lemon menagerie again? Whatever, I'll take it."

Anoop let Matt go as soon as Megan got up from the table. "I'm looking forward to Friday," Anoop said.

Matt glanced over at Kris and Katy, holding hands now, staring at each other. Then he looked at Anoop. His hand still felt warm. He almost didn't want to use it to pick up his fork. He just wanted to stay with that feeling for a little while.

"Me too," Matt said and he really meant it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Danny..." Matt said. He took a deep breath. "You just changed everyone on us without even asking!"_
> 
> "That's not what I was trying to do," Danny said. "I didn't mean to make you guys quit. I was really just trying to follow God's plan for the band. That's all I was trying to do!"
> 
> "You just can't say that," Matt said, face feeling hot all of a sudden.
> 
> "Say what? It's true."
> 
> "How do you know God's plan? Did he type it up and..." Matt paused, remembering Kris' business school homework. "Send it to you in a memo or something?"

They called the scandal Broken Promises and it was all anyone could talk about for the rest of the week. Matt didn't mind it much. He was used to gossip on campus though he usually wasn't in the center of it. He really wasn't in the center of this one even if he was involved. People were more interested in Kris possibly calling Danny a name but the real drama was in the rumor that Tim had actually _yelled_. He had more freshman girls following him around than ever, saying that he was so brave to face his feelings.

Matt didn't talk to Danny much that week. But the weirder part was that he didn't really talk to Kris. They didn't have any classes together that term but Matt was used to eating with Kris or hanging out with him on the main lawn after dinner. Kris ate with Katy a lot and he came back to the room late. There was still curfew so they had that time together before bed but Kris was taking Business Calc for the second time so he wanted to stay on the ball. Matt watched Kris study from his bed and wondered if he did something wrong. Kris didn't seem mad at him. But Matt couldn't deny that things felt a little distant.

Megan was always around and the more he saw her tattoo the cooler he thought it was. Of course, Matt wasn't supposed to see her tattoo at all. Megan kept racking up the Saturday service hours for every time she "forgot" to cover her arm.

They spent a lot of time with Anoop, too. He ate with them almost all the time and after dinner Anoop was up for a game of Foosball and once they did his History of the Bible textbook together and Matt felt fuzzy with happiness just looking over the material. It became immediately obvious that Anoop was more than capable of learning everything himself but he insisted that he wanted Matt to help. Matt felt flattered.

Still, he was looking forward to Fellowship Friday where hopefully he'd get to spend some more time with Kris and then they'd have their first band practice that night. Kris said he thought forming their own bad was a good idea but he didn't seem too enthusiastic. Matt wanted to know what was really going on in his mind but for once he was scared to ask.

Lil and the Student Activities Committee kicked off Fellowship Friday with a cookout. Matt started off with two hot dogs and a cheeseburger. He held his paper plate and looked around for Megan when Danny tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey," Danny said. "Can I talk to you?"

Matt smiled the best he could. They walked over to a patch of grass that was further away from everyone else eating dinner on the lawn. Danny sat across from him. Matt flicked an ant off of his shorts and took a big bite of his cheeseburger.

"I've wanted to talk to you all week," Danny said.

"I didn't go anywhere," Matt said and then he felt a little mean. So he added, "I wanted to talk to you, too."

"Are you really quitting the band?" Danny looked at him with his eyes wide. He didn't think he'd ever seen Danny look so hurt before.

"Danny..." Matt said. He took a deep breath. "You just changed everyone on us without even asking!"

"That's not what I was trying to do," Danny said. "I didn't mean to make you guys quit. I was really just trying to follow God's plan for the band. That's all I was trying to do!"

"You just can't say that," Matt said, face feeling hot all of a sudden.

"Say what? It's true."

"How do you know God's plan? Did he type it up and..." Matt paused, remembering Kris' business school homework. "Send it to you in a memo or something?"

"You _know_ how," Danny said but Matt didn't know how and he never did. That was the problem.

"He couldn't inform the rest of us?" Matt mumbled. He took another big bite of the cheeseburger and tried not to sigh.

"I thought you guys would just trust me," Danny said.

"It wasn't just what you said," Matt said. "It was how you said it. You weren't listening to us at all. It's like you never noticed how excited Kris was when we'd play one of his songs, you know."

"Of course I noticed!" Danny said.

"Then why would you want to take that away?" Matt said. "Or why would God want to do that? Or whatever. Kris was so happy and me too. I was happy too. So why..." Matt trailed off. He tried not to think about it but what if God's plan was actually just Danny's plan. But why would Danny lie about that? It was a pretty horrible thing to do.

"Things change, Matt," Danny said. "I don't know how or why but they do. It can be a good change. Scott said that he wants to switch with you. Don't you want to play the piano? Come on, Matt."

Matt stared down at the food on his plate. He didn't feel very hungry anymore which was a shame because the food was good.

"Don't do this to me," Danny said, in a lower voice. "You're making me look terrible. Dean Dwyer already had a meeting with me. This has never happened before."

Matt looked up at him sharply. He hated this mostly because he and Danny had been friends for so long but right now he was making it very hard for Matt to remember why.

"Just talk to Kris and tell him to come back," Danny said. "We can work this out."

"Danny," Matt said. Then he sighed. He felt sorry for both of them.

"You're, like, my best friend, Matt." Danny reached over and grabbed Matt's arm, a little too roughly. "Don't let me down, dude."

"I have to think about it," Matt said. He stood up before he could lose his nerve. Matt felt guilty but he tossed the rest of his food in the trash. He rubbed his arm, standing near the trashcan.

"Hey," Anoop said, walking up to him. "What's up?"

Matt felt confused for a moment, like he didn't know where he was. He sucked in his breath when Anoop put his arm around Matt's shoulders. Matt looked around quickly then focused on Anoop's face.

"Hey," Anoop said again, softer. Anoop smelled fresh, like he just got out of the shower, clean deodorant and soap. His polo shirt was soft and well-worn. Matt didn't quite know what to think.

"Megan told me to find you," Anoop said. He dropped his arm just as quickly as he had put it around Matt's shoulder. Anoop was right there. Matt wondered how it was possible to be feeling like this when the whole school was out on the lawn for Fellowship Friday and the sun was shining and everything smelled like really good food.

He felt a little lonely.

"What's up?" Matt said. He put on a smile and hid his hands in his pockets.

"Just wondering where you're at," Anoop said. "You're not eating?"

"I'm done already," Matt said. "You didn't see me inhale all that meat?" He laughed and then choked when he thought about what he said. Anoop looked unfazed.

"There is a lot of meat around here," he said. "Come sit with us."

Megan was sitting on the grass far away from the grills. Kris and Katy were there, Katy snuggled close to Kris despite the heat. Matt settled next to Anoop and looked at everyone's plates.

"Matt, are you on a diet or something?" Megan said. "Where's your food?" She handed Matt her plate. Matt took it without question.

"I feel like I haven't see you all week!" Katy said. "How are you doing, Matt? Are things okay between you and Danny?"

Katy was a pretty good armchair psychologist but Matt just wasn't in the mood. He wished that instead of socializing they had time to go to chapel and just pray.

"Yeah," Matt said. "We're cool, I think. I told him it's nothing personal."

"It's a little personal," Kris said. He caught Matt's eye and for once Matt didn't know what he was thinking.

"It's tough," Katy said, rubbing Kris' arm. "Nobody likes conflict."

"The conflict is over," Megan declared. "We're moving on to a new gig. Our new band. I've found some people you're going to love. I have a name and everything. Trust me, you'll want to go with this. But if you don't that's cool too. We'll all come up with the perfect plans together. That's the beauty of this whole thing!"

"Megan's right," Katy said, cheerfully. "A new beginning can really help. And who knows. If you want to maybe you can be in both bands."

"Sure," Megan said but she rolled her eyes. Katy didn't seem offended.

"If we were really on the ball we'd be ready for open mic tonight," Megan said. "But we haven't even started yet. So we're going to miss the first open mic of the year."

"It's open mic tonight?" Kris said, looking engaged for the first time. Matt wished they could both get away, just the two of them. He didn't know exactly what he wanted to say, he just needed some time alone with Kris.

"You got something to share?" Megan asked. Kris got to his feet slowly. Lil had the sign-up sheet and Matt watched Kris as he walked over to her quickly.

"Open mic is hilarious," Megan said, looking at Anoop.

"What do people do?" Anoop said.

"They share themselves with us and with the Lord," Katy said, giving Megan a tight smile. "It's a very brave thing to do. True, not everyone is the best at singing or reciting poetry or telling jokes but they do what's in their heart. I really enjoy it. We do it twice a month, Anoop. Maybe you'll go one day."

Matt thought that was a good idea. He imagined Anoop singing solo, just his voice, like that acapella group he used to be in. The thought made him smile for a moment.

"You should, Anoop," Matt said. "Everyone gets a prize. You never know what it's going to be."

Someone blew a whistle behind them. Everyone turned around and saw Kris trudging back through the grass.

"A whistle," Kris said. "That's what they are giving out tonight." He sat back down next to Katy and blew the whistle lightly.

"How do they choose the prizes?" Anoop asked.

"Don't ask," Megan said.

"I'm first," Kris said. "It starts at nine."

At nine the sun had already set and there were Tiki torches set up all over the place. There wasn't a real stage for open mic night but there was a microphone stand. Matt sat near the front of the crowd, sucking on his fudgsicle. It was his fourth one that night, making up for the dinner he threw away. His appetite had come back but he still wasn't really talking to Danny.

Katie invited herself to sit next him, peering up at him through her long dark hair.

"Kris is really good, right?" she said. She looked so young. Matt wondered if they all looked that young as freshmen. She was still wearing the cross around her neck that all the freshman received on the first night.

"He's the best," Matt answered, honestly.

Kris stepped up to the mic slowly, standing behind the mic almost awkwardly but Matt knew he wasn't nervous. Not with his guitar slung across his chest. He was never nervous then. Matt only wished that he was behind Kris, somehow.

"Hi," Kris said. "I want to perform something I wrote." Matt racked through his brain quickly, trying to think of all the songs they wrote together. It was funny that Kris wouldn't ask him to perform it too. But they didn't exactly need a full band on open mic night.

"It's called A Better Heart," Kris said. He didn't say anything else. He just began to play.

"Oh," Katie whispered beside him. "It's so romantic."

It really was. Matt took a deep breath. He knew who Kris was staring at.

Matt could see it now, Kris holed away somewhere working on this song all week. That's why Matt hadn't seen him. Working alone, in secret. Working somewhere that Matt didn't know about. Working somewhere that Matt couldn't go. Maybe Matt had known it in the back of his mind. Now he had to face facts.

Kris had written a song without him. And it was about Katy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"You know what I love about you?" Megan said. She stepped closer to him. He could smell her perfume or her lotion or her deodorant or whatever girls used that made them smell nice and clean. _
> 
> "I love that you're so innocent," Megan said. "It's sweet. You're even more innocent than Katy! Never change, Matt. I feel that it's people like you that keeps the rest of us going in his world." She rested her hand on his face and patted his cheek softly.
> 
> "I'm not innocent," Matt said.

Matt was ready to go after Kris sung but they still had the rest of open mic and then band practice, supposedly. Katie kept sitting close to him. When Todrick was doing a dramatic dance while reciting a poem Katie rested her hand on Matt's arm and squeezed him lightly. Kris and Katy sat in front of them, heads resting against each other. Matt bet they would kiss that night. The song was too much to ignore. He was sure couples had done more based on less. There was no way Kris could really wait, even if he was really close to asking Katy to marry him. He hoped Kris wouldn't tell him when he and Katy finally kissed. He also prayed that Kris would tell him every single detail.

"Todrick's really good," Katie said. Her hand moved higher, to his bicep. Matt glanced down at her. She was staring up at him with her lips slightly parted.

"My mom says there's a lot of nice guys here," Katie said. "And they love God. Just like Todrick. Just like you."

"Ahem!" Matt turned his head when he heard Megan clear her throat behind him. "Mr. Giraud," she said, firmly. "A moment, if you please."

Matt looked down at Katie's hand in bewilderment and then climbed to his feet. Megan beckoned him to a private patch of grass a little ways away from everyone. Matt felt Dean Dwyer's eyes follow them as Megan stood in front of him. They really weren't supposed to go off together, a girl and a guy anyway, even if it was practically in full view of everyone else.

"What are you doing?" Megan asked. "Little Katie Stevens is practically all over you."

"What?" Matt chuckled a little. "She's just sitting there."

"Oh please." Megan rolled her eyes. "Just sitting there my ass. She's like _all over_ you."

Matt laughed again because he really didn't understand. "What are you talking about? She's just sitting there!"

"Oh Matt," Megan said in a breathy voice that he guessed was supposed to be Katie's. She began running her hand up and down Matt's arm. He just stood there and stared. "Isn't Kris' song so romantic? My mom says there's a lot of nice guys here." Megan giggled, high pitched and fake. Then she punched him in the arm.

"Nip it in the bud before you get in trouble," Megan hissed.

"I'm not doing anything!" Matt said.

Megan shook her head but before she could say anything else Dean Dwyer walked over to them.

"I'm not very amused right now," he said.

"I was just helping Matt, he had a spider on his shirt," Megan said, quickly. Then she disappeared back into the audience before Matt could even take a breath.

"Mr. Giraud," Dean Dwyer said but it sounded much different coming from his mouth. "I would advise you to be cognizant of the company you keep. It reflects back on you. Of course, we love everyone in our community. However, some of them have further to go towards salvation than others."

Matt swallowed heavily, even though his stomach was already full of guilt and fudgsicles. Dean Dwyer had no idea who he was talking to.

"Yes sir," he mumbled. He went to take a seat in the grass again only this time he sat by himself.

The open mic seemed never ending. Matt didn't know how so many people were willing to get in front of that mic with barely any notice. He wasn't exactly bored, more like restless. His eyes kept traveling over to Kris. But he could tell Kris wasn't thinking about him at all.

"This thing on?" a young girl said, tapping the microphone when it was her turn. The feedback ricocheted off the trees and everyone groaned. "Whoa!" the girl said. "Wasn't expecting that. Howdy you guys. I'm Allison and I guess I'm going to do this singing thing. I don't know!" She laughed and Matt found himself really smiling for the first time since open mic started.

"Listen or don't listen, I don't care!" Allison grinned at them. She was holding a guitar but it was older and more raggedy than Kris and Tim's.

"Look at her hair," someone whispered nearby him. Matt peered at her hair but he didn't really notice anything unusual about it until someone else added, "Fire-engine red." Then Matt understood even though he couldn't really see it. He wondered how she could get away with bright red hair because the Code of Conduct clearly stated that all hair had to be a natural color.

He forgot all about the hair when she opened her mouth. He was pretty sure everyone did. He didn't know what Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin had to do with fellowship but it didn't matter. Allison's voice was rough and growly and mature. She held the mic stand like a pro, only letting go when she strummed the guitar, but she sang mostly to a backing track. Matt felt captivated by her energy, completely sucked in. When she was done with her song Matt was so impressed he forgot to clap until the applause had died down. He jumped to his feet anyway and clapped and whistled anyway.

"Thank you, sir!" Allison said, not missing a beat. "I'll be here all year! I hope... unless I get kicked out."

Allison headed back into the audience and Lil announced that the open mic was over. Everyone began to scatter. Matt saw Megan heading his way but she went to straight to Allison.

"Oh my God, girl," she said. "You're amazing!"

"Awwww, don't lie!" Allison said. "Isn't that against the 10 commandments?"

"I'm not lying," Megan said. "I'm just floored right now."

"It's just a little something I'd do at home," Allison said. "Like in the shower or something. Am I allowed to say that? That's when I'm naked."

Matt wondered if he should be listening to this conversation. He glanced around but nobody was paying attention.

"Showers are awesome," Megan said. "They are great for getting clean and for singing. You wanna be in a band?"

"Hell yeah!" Allison said without hesitation. Then she clamped both hands over her mouth. "I mean, heck yeah. Can I say that? Shit, am I going to get struck down. Oh hell, I said shit. Fuck! Oh God."

Matt started laughing. He couldn't help it. He'd never heard a freshman girl swear like that before. Allison turned to him, narrowing her eyes.

"Are you talking about the band that Tim freaked out about?" Allison said. "You're in that band, right, Matt?"

"I used to be," Matt said, not even surprised that Allison knew his name.

"Not that band," Megan clarified. "We started our own band. Rehearsal is tonight. Do you play anything besides the guitar?"

"I took a few lessons on bass," Allison said. "I like it loooooooooooooooow."

Megan along with Matt this time. Dean Dwyer was saying a few things up front but no one was really paying attention. There was still an hour before freshman curfew so everyone was trying to have the most fun they could have before people started to have to go to bed.

"Meet us in the multipurpose room," Megan said. "You too, Matt. I'm going to rally the troops."

"Wait," Matt said, once Allison had scampered away. Megan turned around and gave him a look.

"What did you mean?" Matt asked, feeling silly but that didn't change the fact he didn't know. "When you were talking about Katie? 'Nip it in the bud'?"

Megan stared at him for a couple moments and Matt wondered if he was being clear. Then she started laughing and shook her head.

"Oh man," she said. "Do I have to spell it out for you?"

Matt shrugged. Megan grabbed his arm. "She has a crush on you. Don't encourage her."

"I was just being nice!" Matt said. "By being nice?"

"Exactly! And don't ignore her either. That drives a girl wild. Just... be normal. You'll figure it out. I mean, she's a freshman! She's way too young. You can get a girl your own age, Matt."

"Like who?" Matt asked, because he was genuinely interested. It might even be the answer to his problems.

"Well, I don't know," Megan said. "You've never seemed particularly interested in having a girlfriend before. Why start now?"

Matt felt himself flush. Did other people think that? He wasn't interested in girls? Did Megan _know_? His stomach felt funny. He really wished he hadn't eaten so much junk.

"I didn't mean it like that," Megan said, like she could read his mind. "What I meant was that you've always had fun without all that pressure of getting married as soon as you get out of here. I like that. Everyone's getting engaged. It's just weird. We're barely in our 20s. I know that I want to wait a few years. I like that you feel that way, too."

Was that really all it was? Matt wanted to believe that. He nodded, relieved and worried at the same time.

"You know what I love about you?" Megan said. She stepped closer to him. He could smell her perfume or her lotion or her deodorant or whatever girls used that made them smell nice and clean.

"I love that you're so innocent," Megan said. "It's sweet. You're even more innocent than Katy! Never change, Matt. I feel that it's people like you that keeps the rest of us going in his world." She rested her hand on his face and patted his cheek softly.

"I'm not innocent," Matt said. He didn't know where she got that idea from. She didn't know what his thoughts were like. But Megan didn't move away. She just smiled and leaned in closer to him. She kissed him softly on the lips. Her lips tasted like chocolate or maybe those were his lips.

"Multipurpose room," Megan said. "I'll be there in 15."

Matt didn't move. It wasn't his first kiss, of course, but it was his first kiss in a long time. Random secret make-out session pretty much ended after the first semester of freshman year. After that everyone was looking for something serious. Matt had never been that person. He didn't know if he ever would be.

But the kiss was nice. He touched his lips lightly. He didn't even try to replace her as he replayed the moment in his mind. He just thought about Megan kissing him, blonde hair and her knowing eyes and that tattoo that seemed to know things about him, too.

When Matt got to the multipurpose room Kris and Katy were there. So was Anoop, sitting on the hardwood floor, his long legs stretched out in front of him. Allison was posing in front of the mirror like the rest of them weren't even there.

"Oh," she said, turning around to look at Matt. "I'm practicing my rock face. This is how I look when I melt faces." She made a series of grotesque faces. Matt raised his eyebrows because he was actually impressed.

"Cool," Matt said. He went over to Kris and sat beside him.

"Hey," Katy said with a big smile on her face. She exchanged a look with Kris that Matt couldn't read. Then she leaned over Kris and squeezed Matt's shoulder.

"We saw you," she said. "I think it's pretty neat."

"What?" Matt asked.

Kris patted Matt's thigh which was momentarily delightful.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

Because he was always gone. Because he wouldn't understand. Because it could ruin their friendship forever. Matt realized they probably weren't talking about the same thing but those were the thoughts that ran through his head immediately after that question.

"I don't know?" Matt answered.

"I understand wanting to keep it quiet," Katy said. She leaned into Kris in something like a swoon. "It's more special that way. But you two look really happy together. I've been worried about you Matt! You're such a great guy. There's not reason you shouldn't have someone."

Matt blinked because he still didn't understand. Katy swatted him now. He felt like he should be sitting in the corner, facing the wall with his dunce cap on.

"You and Megan!" Katy said. "I saw you two kissing. It was so cute."

"What?" For a moment, Matt wondered if Katy was secretly judging them because they hadn't made that no-kissing-until-marriage pact. But Katy wasn't like that.

Besides, he and Megan weren't a couple.

"Oh no," Matt started. "We aren't--"

"Hey!" Megan said, loudly, bursting into the room. A couple of guys followed her that Matt didn't know too well.

"Welcome everybody." Megan stood in front of them all as the other guys sat on the floor too. "I want to say thanks for joining the band. Or supporting the band. Or just checking it out. Whatever! There's no commitments here, just fun. I have a vision. I think we can be a great Christian band and a great whatever band. We should perform whatever songs come to mind! Of course we'll be tasteful. That's a given. But we don't have to restrict ourselves. We're talented, responsible people. No matter how we show it I do believe that we're all following in God's footsteps. So I'm not worried. Let's make this into something _different_ and let's be so good we can't be ignored. What do you think?"

Matt found himself nodding along but he was also thinking about other things. Him and Megan? Was that even possible​

"Great!" Megan clapped her hands together. "So I thought of a name. This isn't a dictatorship but I want to suggest it. What if we call ourselves The Way Down."

Nobody said anything. Matt rolled the name around in his mind. It didn't sound bad.

"Think about it," Megan said. "I mean, wait, I know what you're thinking. It's not some indirect reference to hell. Well, maybe it is. I mean, we're all on our way down until we accept Jesus. Right?"

Most everyone nodded. Matt watched Anoop. He didn't move. Matt liked hearing Megan talk like this. She was so flippant sometimes but he knew she really was a believer. She just didn't like the strict rules and some of them were stupid. But now, talking about God, her skin glowed. Matt liked that.

He thought she looked beautiful.

"So what you have?" Megan asked. "What kind of ideas? What kind of music do you want to play?"

Kris raised his hand. "Well, I don't want to give up on Christian music completely," he said, carefully. "I hope that's okay with everyone."

The group nodded, even Anoop. In fact, Anoop looked perfectly content with anything. Matt was relieved that Kris said that. He had a million ideas for that type of music. Even though he wanted to branch out he didn't want to lose the connection he felt to God when he was singing about him or his word. He knew that at his core he'd always be that type of singer but there was just so much more to him and so much more out there, musically. They could be good at everything.

"But I have been working on other things," Kris said. "Like what I performed tonight." Katy beamed at Kris and Matt knew that look. Completely in love. He imagined that was how he looked on the inside.

"I think we should be a group where we can try anything," Kris continued. "Don't turn anything down."

"I completely agree," Megan said. "Just do whatever you want. The only goal is to have some fun! And show everyone that there's not just one way to do something like worship God. I think people get too caught up in that. But you never know if what you're doing is the _right_ thing until you try something different."

Matt nodded, taking in Megan's words. He had to try something _different_. But what was he going to try? Was it just going to be playing the piano?

Was he going to date Megan for real?

"Yeah!" Allison cried. "I like this. You people are cool. So can we jam?"

They had to get instruments from where they stashed them in the basement of the music building, which was a little ways away. Matt always like entering the small brick building where he took all of his music classes and spent a couple hours a day playing for his own pleasure. He knew where they stashed the keyboards and he took the better one, the one that Scott didn't know about because Matt had never told him.

He didn't know how they were going to handle the drum set but Matt didn't worry about it because for once moving that particular type of equipment wasn't his problem. The keyboard was much easier. He hefted the case into his arms and gave the instrument a hug.

It was still kind of heavy though.

Matt was breathing hard by the time they got out of the music building and headed back through the night to where they were practicing in the Student Activities Center. It was still pretty humid out, so the air was sticky. Matt pressed a hand against the sweat beading on his forehead as he took a break.

"Need some help?" Anoop asked, appearing beside him.

"I just haven't started my exercise routine yet," Matt joked. "Looks like this is it."

Anoop took the keyboard from him and carried it like it was a tissue box. Matt walked beside him, feeling weak and sweaty.

"So what kind of music do you want to play?" Anoop asked.

"Me?" Matt asked, even though it was obvious Anoop wasn't talking to anyone else. "Oh... I'm cool with anything." He thought about the jazz music he played on his own or the piano rock stuff he came up with on the spot. He didn't want to admit it but he'd love to be in the spotlight. He could do so many things that people didn't even know about. But it was selfish, really, especially for someone in a band.

"What do you like?" Matt asked.

"My acapella group did a lot of things," Anoop said. "I guess I liked when we would do Top 40 stuff but make it sounds like our own thing. I'm a fan of vocal-driven R&amp;B music but I like other things. I like classic rock, I like good catchy pop tunes. I always was on the lookout for some really good music. You never know where you're going to find that."

Matt nodded. "Yeah. I think we're going to find some really good music with our group now."

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't know that," Anoop said. Matt laughed even though he knew Anoop was perfectly serious.

"I'm nervous," Matt confessed.

"About what?" Anoop looked at him openly, still holding the keyboard like it was nothing. Matt took a deep breath.

"I just want us to be good," Matt said. "Really really good. I want to show everyone that." Matt bit his lip. He didn't really think Anoop would understand. But there was something there, something inside of him. It was the goodness he'd never really gotten to display, the talent that people didn't know they were missing. He felt like people didn't know a big part of him when they didn't get to see him behind his preferred instrument playing his preferred music. Everyone on campus thought they knew him but they didn't really. Not even Kris.

They didn't know him at all.

"Then we'd better get started," Anoop said.

They eventually got all the equipment in the multipurpose room and then they just started playing. Allison wasn't the best bass player but she was cute enough to pull off all the bad notes. Kris looked more comfortable than ever which Matt didn't even think was possible. Maybe it was because Danny was gone or maybe it was really because Katy was sitting in front of them with a big grin on her face. Matt took it easy on the keyboard but it felt good anyway, just being there where he really wanted to be. Megan had recruited a guy named Jason Castro to play drums. Matt had seen him around. He was a sophomore with dreads who looked like he might have gotten lost on his way to a party school but they had a bible study group together once and Matt was surprised at how smart and spiritual he was. Matt was glad they all got a chance to get to know him better. He wasn't as good as Matt on the drums but he would definitely do.

"What's a song everyone knows?" Anoop asked. "We can start with that."

"What about Ladies' Night," Allison said. "You know that song that goes..." She started moving side to side and singing in a gruff voice. "Oh yes it's ladies' night and the feeling's right." She stared at them all, expectantly. "He sang it in the Wedding Singer!"

Matt laughed. He actually did know the song. It was pretty easy just to play by ear. He played the melody and Allison pointed at him.

"Yeah!" she said. "Ladies Night."

"We're not talking about the Lil Kim version right?" Kris said with a smile.

"Lil Kim has a version?" Allison asked with wide eyes.

"Let's stick to the original," Anoop said. "I know the words. We should try it."

It felt funny not being the one to count down the beat. Matt wasn't sure where to look so he looked down at the black and white keys until they became blurry in front of his eyes. He wasn't quite sure what was going to happen when they started playing but as soon as he hit the first note he knew he shouldn't have been worried. This funky groove, this sense of camaraderie with everyone, it was exactly what had been missing when he was playing with Promises. As much as he loved performing sometimes it just felt a like a job. This time they didn't exactly hit every note and it would have been better if they had horns and the piano part was actually really repetitive but Matt loved it. When the song was over everyone clapped and laughed and agreed that they probably should never play that song again.

"But it was a good idea, Allison," Megan said. "We have to figure out some sort of playlist. We won't do that unless we mess around. It has to be fast. Because I got you guys your first gig next Saturday! It's in Little Rock. So we'll have to get around curfew because the show starts at 10..." Megan turned and gave Katy a hopeful smile.

Katy shook her head with a grin. "I'll help y'all figure something out," she said.

"Yes, put in a good word with Dean Dwyer for me."

"But if we're going to break curfew next Saturday we'd better be extra good with curfew this weekend," Katy advised.

"Great, yeah," Megan said. "We can all meet up tomorrow and practice some more. Great job, guys. We'd better put this stuff away and get back!"

Matt packed the keyboard and looked for Kris but Kris was on his way out with his guitar over his shoulder, holding Katy's hand. Matt unzipped the case and zipped it again, fiddling with it until Kris and Katy were almost out of his sight.

"Is the zipper broken?" Anoop asked, standing over him suddenly. Matt looked up from where he was crouched on the floor.

"No. I mean, I fixed it," Matt said. He stood up, lifting the keyboard. This time Anoop took the handle on the back end and they carried the keyboard together.

"So what made you decide to play the keyboard instead of the drums?" Anoop asked, when they put the keyboard back in the equipment closet.

"Oh, I just always wanted to," Matt said. "But Scott got the part in Promises. It was a joke but Danny always said he got to play the piano because he can read music better than I can even though he can't see." Matt rolled his eyes. "Danny said, drummers don't have to read music. They do but it didn't really matter as much to him when I was on drums. I don't know, it was stupid."

"Sounds like it," Anoop said.

"It's just Danny being Danny," Matt said, quickly, feeling the need to defend him. "I didn't mind. I like the drums too."

"What's your favorite song to perform on the piano?" Anoop asked as they headed up the stairs out of the basement.

"Aw man." Matt laughed. "That's a good question."

Everything was dark and everyone had gone, already headed back to their dorms. But they still had a half hour until senior curfew. Matt took a sharp turn just before they got to the front door and Anoop followed him without a word.

"I don't know if it's my favorite," Matt said. The piano was right around the corner. He didn't even bother to turn on the lights. He just sat down on the bench. Anoop sat beside him, close, but Matt didn't mind.

"It's something I've been working on," Matt said.

"With Kris?" Anoop asked.

Matt shook his head, unsure if Anoop could see. "Just by myself." And he'd only played it for himself. He heard the words in his mind. He didn't know if they would come out how he meant them to but he started playing anyway.

His heart was pounding. It was strange having Anoop right beside him but also nice. He had to lean into him sometimes to reach the keys he needed to so he felt Anoop's t-shirt against his arm. Anoop never pulled away.

He closed his eyes because he just needed to feel it and he needed to hear it. He didn't plan to sing but then he was singing. The words were about a lot of things. He couldn't even pinpoint the meaning for himself because his feelings were all over the place. They were about God and relationships and his future and just about him. It was an intimate thing to share with Anoop. He didn't even know how personal it was until he started but it was too late now. So he put his energy into the complicated fingering and the glory notes. When he finished he didn't open his eyes and Anoop didn't say anything. Finally Matt had to break the silence.

"I mean, it's not finished," Matt said. "I have to work on it stuff. It's not as good as what Kris can write. I usually just help him a little bit, he does all the hard parts. But I thought I might try it. I don't know, it was stupid. I shouldn't have made you listen to it. I'm sorry. Just pretend you went temporarily deaf back there and forget about--"

"Matt," Anoop said, not loudly, not firmly, just normally, but Matt stopped talking anyway.

"You are..." Anoop trailed off. Matt's heart was pounding his chest. He felt like he made such stupid mistakes every day. Why couldn't he just act the way he was supposed to?

"You are incredible," Anoop said. "Wow. Those riffs and... the piano. I had no idea you could sing like that. Or play like that."

Matt shook his head. "It's nothing. Just messing around. I mean, really--"

"I don't know why you put yourself down so much," Anoop said. "You have to know you have talent. There's something unnatural about that, Matt. I mean, I've never seen anyone play like that before. Hasn't anyone told you?"

Matt put on a silly grin. "I try to keep my skills undercover," he joked. "God wants me to keep it simple."

"God would want you to share that with the world," Anoop said, seriously. "Even I know that."

Matt kept smiling but he didn't know what to say. He was scared to look at Anoop for a moment. He didn't know why.

"Thanks for sharing it with me," Anoop said, softly. Matt turned to Anoop and what he feared was going to happen didn't happen. Anoop just got off the bench. Matt sat there for a moment, feeling half-relieved and half-disappointed.

"We're late," Anoop said. "It's after curfew."

"Uh oh," Matt said. "I know all the back ways. If we hurry we probably won't get caught."

No one was around when they finally got in the elevator in Clearwater Hall. The elevator dinged on the 5th floor much too soon.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Anoop said. Suddenly, Matt wanted to touch him. Something simple like grabbing his arm or giving him a pat on the back. He thought about Megan's kiss and how easy it was for her to do that. He didn't know what the thoughts had to do with each other but they were both swirling in his mind.

Then the elevator doors shut and Matt realized he didn't even say goodnight.

When Matt got back to the room Kris was laying on the bed.

"That was fun, right?" Kris said. He was holding his guitar across his chest, not playing, just holding it. "The Way Down. I never would have come up with that name on my own. And Megan, man..."

"Yeah," Matt said. He knew Kris wanted to talk more but he just got ready for bed.

"I'm so tired," Matt said, as he got under his messy covers. "Night, Kris."

But he didn't fall asleep. Not for a long time.

* 

They wouldn't have gotten off-campus next Saturday without Katy. Matt didn't know what excuse she made but they had a pass to stay in Little Rock until one which meant that they'd have to leave immediately after their set but it was still enough time.

"Awesome!" Allison said as they loaded everything in the van. "I've never been to Little Rock before. I'm ready to go to the big city!"

"It's not a big city, Allison," Megan said.

"Bigger than here!" Allison said. "That's where we're going to be rockstars!"

Matt helped Kris with his guitar and assisted Jason with packing the drum set. They were using a school van so everyone would know they were from Gates College. When everything was packed Katy held out the keys.

"Who's going to drive?" she asked.

"How far away is Little Rock?" Anoop said.

"It's about 90 minutes away," Katy answered.

"I can make it 60," Matt said. He held out his hand.

"No!" Megan said.

"On second thought," Katy said, closing her fingers around the keys. "I'll drive. I know a shortcut."

"And how not to break the speed limit," Kris added.

"I don't break it," Matt said, as they all got in the van. "I bend it a little!"

"I don't know," Megan whispered as she passed him to get in the van. "Katy's a little crazy, too."

Matt sat in the back row of the van with Megan in the middle and Anoop on the other side. Matt wondered if Katy and Kris still thought he was going out with Megan. Suddenly that was important to him. He grabbed Megan's hand impulsively.

"Ew, what do you want?" Megan asked, pulling her hand away.

"There was a bug on you," Matt said, the first thing that came to mind.

"Kill it!" Megan said, back-handing him in the chest. Matt coughed, painfully. Allison turned around from the bucket seats in front of them.

"Oh my God, a bug?" she said. "Where?!"

"It flew out a window," Matt said, ignoring the fact that a window had never been opened. "Ow, Megan."

"There wasn't a bug," Megan said. She gave Matt a funny look and settled in the seat again. Matt noticed Anoop snickering. He decided to pretend to go to sleep after that.

Kris got there there in almost exactly 90 minutes. They were playing at a small club downtown that was near the riverfront. Matt wished he could see the water but it was so dark that it was just a mystery down below.

The crowd was small. They had to pass through everyone to take their equipment backstage. It turned out they didn't need the drums so they put that back in the van.

"Okay," Megan said. "So you guys are just going to play your 15 minute set and rock out. They let amateurs play the first hour. But you'll never guess who the real act is tonight."

Matt didn't bother to protest or ask who the real act was. Truth was, he did feel like an amateur. He had never played for anyone outside his church or the college. He wasn't even in a high school band. This was his first time playing in front of strangers and he was nervous.

"It's good practice," Megan said. "You want to be a real band, right? Don't take it too seriously. Just have fun."

Jason looked perfectly calm. Allison was hyper as usual. Kris was going over chords like he always did before a show. Megan and Katy went to sit in the audience. Matt turned to Anoop.

"What are we playing?"

Anoop smiled and showed him the setlist on his iPhone.

"This isn't your usual crowd," Anoop said. He was right. There were a lot of men in tight pants and girls wearing skimpy clubbing outfits. Matt didn't really expect this. They were in Little Rock, Arkansas after all. He thought everyone dressed like Kris-- plaid shirts and jeans. He didn't have a lot of experience with Arkansas as a whole but he had concluded it had to be pretty country. But the audience looked like people who had come from a real city. They had _expectations_.

They weren't scared to tell someone that they sucked.

Matt was definitely nervous.

"Think about it," Allison said, as if she could read his mind. One thing Matt had learned about her in the past week was that she wasn't scared to speak up even though she was just a freshman. "These people don't care about us, Matt. They're never going to see us again. So what if they don't like us? I like us! You like us! We have a rocking show planned. Just go out there and jam. Right, Anoop?"

Anoop nodded. "Allison is very wise."

"That's not what my mama said!" Allison said. "She called me something else. That's why she sent me to bible college."

Anoop laughed. Matt like to watch him when he did it. The corner of his eyes crinkled and he looked very relaxed.

"Okay, okay," Matt said. "I'm ready to do this. Let's get pumped up."

"You gotta start with jumping around." Allison started jumping and Matt joined her. Anoop hung back against the wall for this one. When Kris came back from the bathroom he started jumping without a word.

"This is fun," Kris said.

"Now you gotta hop foot-to-foot and hold your hands up in fist like a boxer!" Allison said. She demonstrated for them. "Got it."

Matt didn't even feel ridiculous. He even punched the air. Jason was wearing his headphones and looking up at them dumbly from where he sat cross-legged on the floor.

"I'm Mike Tyson," Kris said.

"You're short enough," Matt said. Kris punched him in the arm. Matt rubbed himself there, wounded. He had forgotten how big Kris' biceps were.

"Now jogging in place," Allison said. "Get the heart racing. Cardiovascular."

"Are we going to run a marathon or are we going on stage?" Kris asked, running quite easily. Matt had to stop after a couple of minutes. It was too much moving around for him. He was a piano player, not a track star.

"Okay, hands in, lazy people," Allison demanded, loudly. "On the count of three."

"On the count of three...?" Kris asked as they stood in a circle and piled hands on top of each other. Matt put his hand on top of Allison's and Kris' hand was on top of his. It was nice.

"Oh the count of the three," Allison said again. "You throw your hand in the air and say whee!"

"Well, that makes sense," Kris said.

"One..." Allison said. Jason finally got up and joined them. Matt knew he wasn't reluctant, he was just slow. "Two... three!"

"Wheeeeeee!" Matt shouted, throwing his hand in the air. Then he realized he was the only one. Everyone laughed at him.

"Sucker!" Allison said, pointing at him with both hands. Matt joined them laughing and by the time the stage person told them it was their turn he had forgotten about being nervous. But he was kind of sweaty.

He got even sweatier on stage. It was a small stage. If he took five steps forward he would have stepped off into the audience. But there was a lot of lights beaming down on them. Matt felt like the audience could see every drop of sweat on his flushed face. Katy and Megan were front row center, clapping and cheering, while everyone else just stared. Matt decided just to focus on them.

"Hi everyone," Anoop said easily into his microphone like he did this every day. "We're the Way Down. So... yeah."

Katy jumped up and down and whistled with both fingers. Jason started them off on the first time. They fit four songs into 15 minutes, playing continuously in sort of a mix. The best part was that they decided to play Ladies' Night after all.

The audience seemed to warm up to them towards the end. They kept the music fast paced and funky and each song suited Anoop's voice beautiful. Matt liked singing back-up for him, leaning into his mic over the keyboard. But he liked playing the keys better. At the end Anoop closed his eyes, stretching a note further than Matt thought he could take it but Anoop surprised him every single time. They all got solos. On a whim, Matt played his solo a little differently than rehearsal, pounding into the end, and some drunk guy stood up on a chair and pointed at him, screaming, "PLAY IT PIANO MAN!"

The feeling was great after the show. Matt had never felt so accomplished before. His skin was tingling with excitement. He hugged everyone, lifting Allison off the ground. Kris buried his face in Matt's shoulder like he usually did and that would have been the highlight of Matt's night if this were any other night but tonight he was feeling more that that.

Anoop gave him a solid hug and patted his back.

"I loved it," he said.

"Me too," Matt said, grinning.

When they went out in the audience Megan threw her arms around him and gave him a tight hug.

"That solo was amazing!" Megan said. "You been holding out on us? Matt!"

She was holding his shoulders and stretched up on her tip-toes that she was so close to his face. This time Matt kissed her. He didn't know if anyone noticed. Megan looked unfazed.

"We have to work on it more in practice," Megan said. "We've got to incorporate that kind of keyboard playing into the front of the show!"

Matt nodded but he was a little confused. Maybe Megan didn't even notice he kissed her. Was he that bad at it?

Megan slipped away from him and Matt stood there, awkwardly. He thought they were going to go home until there was a loud cymbal crash behind them.

Matt turned toward the stage which had suddenly become inexplicably dark. A hush fell over the crowd. Matt wondered if the power had gone out for a moment but that didn't make any sense because all the rest of the lights in the club were on.

There was a click and then a single spotlight. Matt saw a man there, illuminated by the stage. He was wearing a sparkly top hat, a tight black tank top and even tighter black pants with chains and boots Matt had never seen on a man. He thought he saw them on display in JC Penny's women's shoe section though when he was looking for a Christmas present for his mom. There chains around his neck, bracelets circling his wrists and so many rings on his hands, which were wrapped around the microphone.

The man took a deep breath and then let out a "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH" rock glory note that seemed to last forever, even longer than Anoop's, and it was high and his tongue was practically on the mic which was held a good ways away from his face. Everyone started to clap and yell and cheer, the audience suddenly coming to life. Matt stood there with his band, not sure what to expect.

Then the yelling stopped and the band started playing. The lights came up on stage. The audience yelled louder. The man rolled his hips and looked at them expectantly.

"Hey everyone," he said into the mic in a surprisingly normal voice.

"ADAM!" a group of girls shouted from the audience. He started singing a very provocative song. The dancing was all hip grinding and strutting. Matt stared, transfixed. They certainly didn't have this at the Gates College open mic night.

"Oh my God," Kris murmured beside him.

"Yeah!" Allison shouted, jumping up and down in front of them. "This is awesome!"

"Megan," Katy said. "Are you serious?"

"I told you the real act was a surprise," Megan said. "Adam Lambert."

All of a sudden he looked familiar. Of course, Matt had just been a first semester freshman but _everyone_ remembered Adam. He had the same black hair and his ears were pierced which was definitely one of the rules Adam broke on campus.

Among other things.

Matt stared then and he was staring now. He wasn't expecting this at all.

"We should get out of here," Katy said.

"Got a few songs for you," Adam said, after his first song. Everyone cheered. "Off of my latest. Check it out. If you dare."

Adam was singing again. It was loud but it was good. Matt couldn't deny how good it was. Adam was working the crowd. They loved him, crowding the front of the stage. Adam reached down and there were a frenzy of girls trying to touch his hand. Matt wondered if they understood. Adam didn't even _like_ them.

But Adam touched them and he turned back to his hand and he sang, grinding a bit with the guitar player, who was also a man. Their hips touched, their crotches were pressed together. Adam looked the man in the face.

Matt felt a twitch in his pants and he swallowed hard.

They needed to get out of there.

"Oh goodness," Katy said. She covered Allison's eyes. Allison pushed her hand away.

"It's hot!" she shouted.

"We really should go," Katy said. "I can come up with an excuse for any place else but I can't get us out of this."

"Yeah," Kris said. "Come on guys, let's get the stuff."

"Okay, okay, sorry guys," Megan said. "But Adam's the one who got you this gig. I still talk to him. I said we have a band. He got us in. Adam's a good guy."

"Thank him for us," Anoop said. Matt jumped when he realized Anoop's hand was on the small of his back. He didn't look at Anoop but his face went red.

"Are you...?" Anoop asked. Matt realized he was only trying to get by and he stepped aside awkwardly so Anoop could head backstage.

"Ugh, this is why I hate Gates sometimes!" Megan said, beside him. "It poisons people's minds. They don't know how to think for themselves anymore."

"I'm sorry, Megan," Matt said, not sure what he was apologizing about exactly. There were so many things. Instead he hurried backstage but by the time he got there everyone else had grabbed the equipment.

Matt could still hear the music from outside as they loaded the van. He had to admit, it sounded good. He wondered what it would be like to be in there, just dancing in the audience, without a care in the world, thinking about nothing important at all. Just enjoying the music. He would enjoy the music if it didn't represent everything about himself he was trying to escape.

"We don't have to rush back," Kris said and Matt noted some guilt in his voice. He wondered what that was about. "We have time to celebrate. We can go to Sonic and get milkshakes. How about that? It's buy one, get one free."

"Only if you get me mozzarella sticks too," Allison said. "I'm addicted to those, dude."

"Deal," Kris said, with a smile.

This time Matt ended up front. He watched Kris' hands as he turned onto the highway carefully. Sonic wasn't very far away. He could see the bright lights from the fast food place as soon as Kris pulled off on the next exit. There wasn't anything else open after 11 at night.

"Hey, you were really good," Kris said in a low voice. "I don't know if I got to tell you. I feel like we don't get to talk lately. We definitely have some catching up to do."

Matt smiled to himself. He knew it was silly and stupid and possibly dangerous. He knew it could destroy everything good about his life. Maybe a little bit of distance would be good. But then he'd see Kris' smile and he'd feel his music and those feelings of hope, they never did quite go away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Heard a rumor," Megan said, sidling up to him all of a sudden. "Something big is going to go down tonight."_
> 
> Matt looked over at her. "Like what?"
> 
> "A hostile takeover by Satan University?" Megan said. She shrugged. "I guess you're going to have to find out."

Matt couldn't remember a time when he _wasn't_ looking forward to senior year. He knew it would just be a continuation of everything wonderful about his life at Gates. Now three weeks had passed—they were already approaching labor day weekend—and Matt had to admit that things had changed.

It wasn't bad, just different. Danny had replaced him in the band quite easily, using a small, shy freshman named David Archuelta to play piano while Scott switched to drums, something that made Matt angry when he thought about it so he tried not to think about it. They decided that one guitar player would be enough. Matt watched the new Promises—Danny, Scott, Tim and David—perform at open mic night, the old style songs that Danny had wanted and he had to admit they were pretty good. He did miss Promises and hanging out with Danny. He spoke to Danny as much as he could but it just wasn't the same. Matt didn't blame him for being sore about the whole fiasco but he still wanted to be friends. It hurt his feelings that Danny continued to be distant even after some time had passed.

Kris just wasn't around like he used to be. He was so busy with his business classes and the clubs and Katy. Sometimes they wouldn't even have time to talk before bed. Kris would put on his headphones and study then crawl into bed and go to sleep. That didn't mean Matt never saw him. They usually had lunch and dinner together and Kris still had some time to hang on the weekends but Katy was usually there and Matt couldn't pretend. He hated that. It was getting harder and harder to pretend that something was going to happen. Eventually.

The most surprising change in his life was Anoop. They slipped into a easy routine of hanging out every day, grabbing breakfast and studying or talking after dinner. Anoop was really helpful with Matt's Spanish class and Matt did help Anoop catch up with all the classes for his Bible Studies minor. Studying was easier with Anoop around. He had such a calm attitude when Matt asked a question and never acted like he was stupid. Matt appreciated that. He hoped he helped Anoop just as much as Anoop helped him but he didn't think that was even possible.

It was nice having a new friend because Anoop didn't know him the same way that everyone else thought they did. Matt felt like Anoop looked at him in a different way. Even though he couldn't explain it he did know that he liked it. Most people seemed to think that Anoop was quiet and serious and standoffish but Matt knew better. They played Horse one evening and Anoop was athletic and competitive and loud, trash-talking Matt all over the place. Matt was horrible at basketball but Anoop seemed to enjoy his win anyway. Matt looked forward to seeing him every day. If Anoop wasn't there he didn't know what he'd do. Everything would feel so much worse.

Megan organized practice every day which was great because then Matt just got to be with everyone. They didn't have any more performances for the time being but Matt didn't mind. It gave them time to just gel together as a band and figure out what they were all about. Matt thought about Adam Lambert sometimes and this whole rockstar life he was having after Gates. Part of him wanted to talk to him and part of him thought that would be taking this whole thing way too far.

No, what Matt needed to be was normal. So he asked Megan to the retreat formal at lunch the day before they were leaving in front of Anoop so she couldn't possibly say no.

"Oh God," Megan said, rolling her eyes. "I forgot about that."

"What is it?" Anoop asked, mildly curious. Matt's heart was racing in his chest. Wouldn't she just say yes already.

"The retreat." Megan shook her head. "You know about the retreat, right?"

"Yeah," Anoop said. Matt knew Anoop knew because they'd gotten their roommate assignments a couple of days ago and Danny and Anoop were sharing a cabin with him and Kris. Danny still wasn't really speaking to Kris but Kris did make a big effort to tell Danny that he wanted them to be cool. For the first time since Matt started going to the retreat sophomore year he thought this roommate assignment had the potential to turn weird.

"Well, they always have a formal thing where everyone is supposed to dress up and pretend they're at a Jesus wedding or something. I managed to skip it last year. Don't you want to skip it, Matt?"

Matt shook his head and put on a smile. "I mean, I just thought it would be fun. You know, we can show them how it's done. You've seen my dance moves!"

"Yeah, I've seen your dance moves," Megan said, raising her eyebrows with a laugh. "Oh goodness. I don't even have anything to wear. But, yeah, okay. They might be watching me extra close this year. I'd better go. Why not?"

"Thanks," Matt said, even though her acceptance was less than enthusiastic. The weird flirtation they had kept continuing. He wasn't sure if Megan liked him or not but if there was a chance he needed it desperately.

"You know what?" Megan said. She turned to Anoop. "You should ask Lil. Her fiance is at another school so you guys can just go as friends. Then it'll be a double thing. Everyone has to have a date. It's so stupid. Or I'd say we all go stag in a group."

Well, that was comforting. Matt pushed his mashed potatoes around on his plate and wondered what was wrong with him.

"Okay," Anoop said. "I can do that."

"It'll be fun," Megan said, "Right, Matt?"

Matt plastered yet another smile on his face. He didn't know how much he longer he could do this. A whole year full of fake smiles. Why did he always have to want things he could never have?

"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking," Matt said.

"It's weird," Megan said. "People are actually starting to think we're a couple. Like me and Matt! Allison asked me about it the other day. I just laughed. What?"

Anoop smiled. Matt focused on that.

"People are just crazy," Matt said. He ate the rest of his mashed potatoes and then he had an excuse to get out of there. It was a gorgeous day, all sun but not too hot. Matt walked down to the chapel. He just needed some time to himself so he could think.

As soon as he entered the chapel he felt calmer. There were the same stained glass window and the high ceilings that brought you closer to God. Matt sat in a pew in the back and stared at the pulpit. He couldn't imagine standing up there with the bible in front of him as he said important things for other people to hear. His senior sermon seemed like an impossible task. It was hard to believe that he could spend more than three years in this college completely surrounded by conversations about God and he still felt further away from salvation than ever.

"Hey," someone said behind him. It was Kris. He had a big smile on his face.

"Hey," Matt said. He couldn't help smiling, too.

Kris slid in the pew next to him. He was close and smelled just a little sweaty. Matt liked it like he always did. He was trying so hard to get over it.

"Katy and I fixed the sink downstairs," Kris said. "You know, the one in the pastor's bathroom? It was leaking. Katy did all the work, I just talked her through it. She's strong."

Matt glanced down at Kris' biceps and then back at Kris' face. "She is," Matt said. "I wish she'd be my personal trainer."

Kris laughed a little and Matt's heart lifted in his chest. He needed to make Kris laugh more. He craved it like people in the desert craved Gatorade.

"Can you believe this is our last retreat?" Kris said. "We're leaving tomorrow. It's so surreal. It feels like yesterday when we were getting on the bus and you forgot to pack any underwear."

Matt laughed, thinking about how he used to get so annoyed when his mom would nag him about it. Then the first time he packed a bag completely on his own he totally forgot.

"Well," Matt said. "I know I told you that I was washing my underwear every night but I was actually free-balling that whole weekend."

They both laughed together and Kris sort of leaned against him. Kris had always been like that—touchy, always friendly, so caring. It definitely didn't help. It didn't help things at all.

"I knew it was the right decision to come here when we ended up roommates," Kris said. "I mean, I knew I had listened to God and this was all going to work out. This is the true meaning of fate. Don't you think?"

Matt nodded because he agreed completely although it was probably for different reasons.

"I feel bad for people who don't get to experience something like that," Kris said. "Or for people that don't have a friendship like we do."

Kris patted Matt's knee. Matt forced himself to nod. He did not trust himself to speak.

"Have you been thinking about the prank?" Kris asked. The subject change hurt Matt's heart a little but it was certainly needed.

"We tell them that us leaving Promises was all staged," Matt suggested.

"Good idea," Kris said. "We can also use silly string."

"There will be confetti from the ceilings," Matt said. He didn't even know why they were cracking up again but it felt good.

"Are you packed?" Kris asked. He stood up. The bell had started to chime. It was one o'clock, time for the start of afternoon classes.

"Not yet," Matt said. "Tonight."

"Don't forget," Kris said. He wagged a fatherly finger at him. "Underwear."

"Boxers or briefs?" Matt asked. "That's the real question."

Kris looked thoughtful. "I like you in a boxer-briefs," he said. Matt dipped his head and clasped his hands together again as soon as Kris left the chapel.

"Please," he prayed. "You're not making this any easier."

Boxer-briefs. The fantasy played itself out before Matt could stop it. Kris's hand on his pants, unzipping the zipper, expecting the boxer-briefs but it's just Matt there. Kris doesn't hesitate, doesn't even blink, as he wraps his small hand around Matt's cock, already hard and ready just from the anticipation of Kris' touch.

And Matt's cock really was hard, right there in chapel. He got up stiffly, guilt churning in his stomach. It didn't really matter anyway. When it came to God there really wasn't any place to hide.

* 

The retreat took place at Camp Oleander, which was about two hours away, deep in the Arkansas country even though Matt was sure that everywhere in Arkansas was the country, except for Little Rock. The sophomores, juniors and seniors took coach buses down to the retreat while the freshman stayed behind and did their own soul searching.

Matt saved a seat for Kris on the first bus but Megan, Lil and Anoop got their first. Megan and Lil sat in the row behind him. Matt removed his hand from the seat next to him but not reluctantly.

"It's all set," Megan said, patting the top of Matt's head through the space between the seats. "Me and you and Anoop and Lil tomorrow night. Formal is on."

"How formal is the formal?" Anoop asked.

"Whatcha got?" Lil asked.

"I've got khakis," Anoop said. "Should I pack a suit?"

"Nah, that's good," Lil said. "They call it formal but it's not that formal, sugar."

"Last year Matt wore his bathing suit," Megan said.

"The theme," Matt said, calmly, looking at Anoop. "Was Hawaii. What was I supposed to think?"

"Dean Dwyer made him put on a shirt," Lil said.

"Too bad," Megan said. She and Lil both giggled. Matt felt both embarrassed and kind of proud at the same time.

"I bet he looked good," Anoop said.

"Well, yeah," Megan said. "I mean, have you see Matt's hot, sexy body?"

Now Megan and Lil laughed harder. Matt wasn't quite sure he got the joke.

"Hawaii..." Matt looked at Anoop and shrugged.

"My friends and I went to homecoming dance in our pajamas," Anoop said. "In high school. We didn't have dates."

"Nobody _dates_ here," Matt said. "It's all an audition for marriage."

"I said that," Megan piped up. "Please don't think Matt thought that up on his own."

Matt grinned sheepishly. He had wanted Anoop to think that he thought of that on his own. Anoop smiled back at him.

"I'm not in a hurry," Anoop said.

"Strike that off the list!" Lil said loudly. "So that's not why he came. Why did you come, Anoop? I hope I'm not being rude, I'm just wondering."

"To meet wonderful people like us," Megan said. "Right, Anoop?"

"Exactly," Anoop said.

"We're the best people on earth," Megan said. "The most wholesome and kind and smart because we're following the path of Jesus. The righteous and the right path. All Gates girls go to heaven, y'all. Don't you forget!"

Lil laughed and elbowed Megan in the side. "You so stupid," she said. "Don't listen to her, Anoop. I don't even know what she's talking about."

"Doesn't matter why Anoop came," Megan said. "I'm glad. He's really sweet. I get sick of all you guys! I'm glad I get some new eye candy."

"I know, right?" Lil said. "He's cute."

"More than cute," Megan said. "Anoop's really hot."

Matt looked over at Anoop to see if he was blushing. He wasn't, he only looked amused. But Matt felt his own cheeks heating up.

Anoop was pretty hot.

"Hey guys," Katy said as she and Kris walked on the bus. They took the seats across the aisle from Matt and Anoop.

"What's going on here?" Kris asked.

"We're just talking about how hot Anoop is," Megan said. "And we're glad he's around for our visual consumption."

"Here, here," Kris said, without missing a beat.

"Anoop, you have such a great smile," Katy said, smiling widely herself. "Your skin is so clear!"

"I think we're all in agreement," Kris said. "Hottest guy on campus is sitting right here."

"Autographs only," Anoop said. "No photographs, please."

Matt laughed along with everyone else and he wished he could stop but he was still blushing. He didn't know why. He rubbed his hand against his face and looked out the window. Anoop's skin was really clear and it looked so smooth. He bet it was soft, too, if he got to touch it. He didn't know why he was thinking about this but he didn't exactly want to stop.

"Alright," Dean Dwyer said from the front of the bus once they were all settled. "Before we leave, let's have a prayer."

The ride to Camp Oleander was bumpy a few times but otherwise uneventful. Sometimes the bus broke into song, only hymns that Matt loved because they were so beautiful and familiar. Matt sang along, but softly, because Anoop was starting to fall asleep beside him. It was cute the way his eyes would close and his head would bob and just as he relaxed he'd jerk himself awake. The third time it happened Anoop caught Matt staring at him.

"Sorry," Anoop said with a yawn. "Cars make me go to sleep. Or buses, rather."

"That's okay," Matt said. "You wanna switch and take the window seat so you can have something to lean again?"

"The seats lean back," Anoop said. He fiddled with the button on the side of his seat. It didn't move. Anoop gave up after a few tries. "Or they do in theory."

He yawned again. His teeth were so white and straight. Matt looked across the aisle. Kris and Katy were comfortable against each other, eyes closed.

"You can..." Matt said. He wasn't quite sure how to finish his sentence but Anoop finished it for him. He leaned towards Matt, rested his head on Matt's shoulder and closed his eyes.

Anoop was right. That's what Matt had been suggesting.

He thought about it a little longer.

It was what Matt wanted.

Anoop didn't snore and his head was light. For a moment Matt wondered what it would be like if Kris were there but then he could see Kris across the aisle drooling on Katy and he didn't want to think about that anyway. He wanted to focus on Anoop and the way he smelled, clean and nice. He wanted to focus on the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the gentle way his hair tickled Matt's neck, softly. Matt touched Anoop's hair, lightly, just once. But it was nice, almost unbelievably nice, and Matt took a deep breath that didn't help at all.

Everyone cheered when they rattled onto the camp site. It was just like always with the cabins and the large grassy area near the lake where they swam and canoed and there was also the high ropes course hidden in the wooded area toward the back of the property. It was a jam packed three day weekend full of bonding activities and plenty of time for prayer and self-reflection and to learn about God. Anoop woke up just as the bus stopped.

"Wow," Anoop said, rubbing his eyes. "This is it, huh?"

"Yeah, we're here," Matt said. Anoop straightened up but Matt's shirt was still warm where Anoop had been laying on him. He hoped it lasted for a long time.

They had cabin 5, one of the cabins near the lake. The cabins were very basic, with just 4 bunkbeds and two shower stalls and two toilet stalls. They were connected to cabin 6 on the other side. Matt claimed the bottom bunk near the front door and Kris climbed up on the bunk on top just like they always did. Anoop took the other bottom bunk. Danny trudged in after a few minutes.

"Hey, Danny!" Matt said. "Who are you taking to the formal?"

Danny frowned like he hadn't heard of anything like that before. "That's tomorrow, right?" Danny said. "I'll work on it."

"Hey, man," Kris said. Matt couldn't see him because he was above him on the bunk. "I just don't want things to be weird between us. Okay?"

Matt stared up at Danny as Kris extended the proverbial olive branch. That was another phrase Megan had taught him. Danny seemed unimpressed.

"I'm going to go to afternoon scripture," Danny said. "So, I'll see you guys later."

Danny turned for the door, then remembered his bag and tossed it on his bed. After that he left for real.

"Was that an invitation?" Anoop asked. Matt looked over at him. He had put on a pair of glasses so he looked even more intelligent but also cutely sleepy.

"I do want to go to afternoon scripture," Kris said. He jumped down from the top bunk and had his bible under his arm. "Are you guys coming?"

"I think so," Matt said. He glanced at Anoop who shrugged.

"You don't have to go," Matt said. "It's pretty cool, though. Sometimes we go out to the middle of the lake on a boat. It's very peaceful. Everyone gets broken into groups so you can talk about the scripture. What do you think?"

Anoop smiled but Matt didn't know what kind of smile it was. "I think you're all very devoted," Anoop said. "Sure, why not?"

"It's actually pretty relaxed here," Matt said, as they walked to the lake. "You can do whatever you want, like all the activities and classes. Some people spend the whole time by themselves, just reading the bible or whatever. So if you don't want to do it, you really don't have to. Nobody is going to say anything."

This time when Anoop smiled at him Matt thought he sort of got it. Maybe that was Anoop's I'm-figuring-you-out smile. It was the kind of smile that made Matt want to take his hand. Instead he shoved his hands in his pockets. They did take the boats out into the middle of the ocean and he fanelt God there, like he usually did, so he kept his hands extra deep in his pockets. After that it was dinner time and then games out in the field until dark. Anoop was especially competitive during Capture the Flag, running people down and tagging them so they were out. Matt knew he didn't stand a chance but he tried to run past Anoop anyway. Anoop caught him easily and when he touched him Matt tripped so they both ended up on the ground. Anoop was on top of him and it was for a long time. In reality, it was probably only a few seconds but it felt like a long time. Anoop's whole weight was on top of him. If Matt were really crazy he'd think that it was on purpose.

But then Anoop got off him and Matt was out so he slunk over to the sidelines, far away from the other trapped members on his team.

After that he _really_ needed to keep his hands in his pockets.

* 

The formal took place at the same building where they had all their meals. It was a big wooden building where bugs found their way through every single crack that could be found in any surface. Matt flinched at the amount of moths hovering around the lights. There was no reason he should have gotten reprimanded for wearing his bathing suit but all the girls looked their best. Megan was breathtakingly gorgeous in a slinky sleeveless black dress and shawl that was supposed to cover her tattoo but it didn't really. Her long blonde hair was around her shoulders and her face looked softer, somehow.

Matt felt inadequate wearing his dark slacks and one of his short sleeve blue-and-white button down shirts that probably needed a tie but he'd forgotten to bring one. He scrubbed a damp hand through his hair before he left and it had a couple of weird curls in the front. He was nothing compared to Megan but he guessed that guys really weren't supposed to look that good anyway.

Kris was wearing a suit that looked a little too big for him. He danced with Katy in the middle of the floor. Her dress looked light and fun, just like Katy, laughing with her mouth open, cradled in Kris's arms. Matt had to look away after a moment.

"Heard a rumor," Megan said, sidling up to him all of a sudden. "Something big is going to go down tonight."

Matt looked over at her. "Like what?"

"A hostile takeover by Satan University?" Megan said. She shrugged. "I guess you're going to have to find out."

Matt sensed that Megan knew more than what she was telling him but he didn't press. The music was the typical top 40 stuff, songs that Matt had heard dozens of times. He tried to focus on that instead of Kris, moving around in his suit or Katy's hands on him. Megan was drinking a lot of punch. Then Anoop came to the dance and Matt was distracted all over again.

He was wearing the khakis, closely fit, and a soft polo shirt that looked like a fuzzy weird gray color to Matt so he knew it had to be something else. He asked Megan in a low voice.

"Green," Megan answered. "Like your eyes."

Anoop looked good in green. He hadn't shaved that day and the stubble was heavy on his face. Matt would have expected it to make him look older but he just looked sharper and smarter. He looked like Matt could tell him anything and he'd know exactly what to say. Maybe he would. Matt didn't breathe for a moment, just considering it. Then the music changed into a slow song and Megan grabbed his arm.

"You're not a very good date," she said.

"Sorry," Matt said. He took her hand and they joined everyone else in the middle of the room slow dancing. Kris and Katy were close. Anoop had his hands on Lil's waist politely. Megan grabbed Matt's hands and pulled them down low to the side of her ass. Megan did have a nice ass, just enough to grab, kind of like Kris's. He squeezed Megan lightly and kept his hands there until he caught Dean Dwyer glaring at them.

"You know me," Megan said. She wrapped her arms around Matt's tightly. He skimmed his hands over her ass against. The material of her dress was thin. He thought he could feel her lacy panties. At least that's what he imagined he was feeling. "I always have to get in trouble."

Megan pressed herself against him, pressure against his crotch. Matt thought he could like this. That he should like this. If he tried hard enough, if he prayed hard enough. He just didn't put in enough effort.

Matt dipped his head and kissed Megan, harder than he meant to, but she just went with it, kissing him back with a wet, open mouth and lots of tongue, a little more tongue than Matt wanted. But Matt went with it and he tried to keep his eyes closed but he peeked at Kris, who didn't notice and then Anoop in his green polo shirt and thought that maybe he did.

Then Dean Dwyer tapped him on the shoulder from behind.

"You two need to separate," Dean Dwyer said. Matt let Megan go. She wiped her mouth and smiled.

"Sorry," Megan said. She walked back to the punch table. Matt just stood there but then the slow song ended so everyone was getting off the dance floor anyway.

"I see you, man," Kris whispered as he passed by, holding Katy's hand. There was an awkward silence over the dance because Blake, acting as DJ once again, didn't put on another song. Then microphone feedback screeched through the room. Matt clamped a hand over his ear. It took him a moment to realize that Blake was speaking.

"Yo, check it out," Blake said. "I've got someone that wants to say something."

Matt sat on a chair. Megan was on the other side of the room. When Matt caught her eye she winked at him. Anoop wasn't too far away, talking to Lil. Matt stared at his hands until he heard who was speaking.

"I've never really been too good with words," Kris said. He was holding the mic. His guitar was slung over his shoulder. Matt didn't know where it had come from.

"But this is something I just have to say," Kris continued. Matt saw it happening before it happened, like a vision straight from the heavens. First a speech, then a song, then a proposal. Katy's shocked face, open mouth, wide eyes, hands shaking. They'd embrace first, Katy bouncing on her toes as she shouted "yes, yes, yes!" like an Herbal Essence commercial. Then Kris would put the ring on her finger, twirl her around. Everyone would clap and cheer and be jealous. Kris and Katy wouldn't kiss but they would come close.

So close.

Matt didn't need to see it. He just knew.

Kris looked different when he played the guitar, a kind of beauty that Matt couldn't describe. His eyes were already half closed as his fingers plucked the first chords. Matt left. Just got up and walked out the front doors. When they closed behind him the dining hall was just a dining hall and no longer a formal for kids at a Christian college where everyone was going to get engaged by the time they graduated. Just a dining hall full of bugs and food that nobody ate except when they were in such places.

Cabin 5 wasn't too far. It certainly wasn't far enough away. Matt ripped off his shirt and stepped out of his pants and left them on the floor. He crawled under his covers, a sleeping bag and then a fleece blanket his mother had given a long time ago. The mattress was hard but that made it easier to focus. Matt closed his eyes and he prayed. It never worked but he wasn't giving up. God had to listen. He knew help was going to come.

When Matt opened his eyes it was Anoop standing there at the bed. His polo shirt looked even better up close but it didn't look any more green.

"You missed it," Anoop said.

"I wanted to," Matt said.

"Are you okay?" Anoop asked. His eyes seemed soft with concern in the moonlight. Matt got that feeling again, like he could tell Anoop anything. Maybe he felt that way for a reason. Maybe this was God finally trying to tell him something for once.

"I'm in love with Kris," Matt said, just like that, everything in the open now, his secrets traveling out to the woods. It felt freeing for a moment, absolutely glorious, but just as suddenly it felt awful and bitter and horrible. He wanted to take everything back. Matt covered his eyes with his hands, pressing hard, maybe hard enough to make time go backwards but it didn't work. Instead he removed his hands when he felt Anoop crawl in the bed beside him. Anoop pressed himself up against the wall. It was a tight fit with the both of them. Matt didn't move.

"I know," Anoop said after a few moments.

"How?"

Anoop just looked at him. Matt felt his eyes more than saw him. They hadn't turned on any lights. The cabin was completely dark except for the moonlight drifting in and out of the windows, at the mercy of the clouds.

"What am I supposed to do?" Matt whispered.

Anoop still didn't say anything. Even with Anoop's body pressed against Matt's arm he felt hopeless, lonely. Then he realized he was just in his underwear. Then Anoop's hand was against his bare chest, rubbing him softly, down to his stomach and back up toward his collarbone. Matt didn't think he was breathing. Anoop's lips on his shoulder. Those were his lips. Anoop's mouth, wider than Megan's, but somehow more gentle and this was private, this is something that Matt wasn't sure even God could see even though deep down he knew that he could.

Matt didn't tell him to stop.

Anoop sucked at his neck, hand still moving up and down his chest and across his nipples. It was so nice. How could something so wrong feel so nice?

When Anoop kissed him on the lips Matt was ready. He felt like he'd been waiting for this his whole life even though he'd never really thought about this moment until right before it happened.

Matt turned to Anoop, keeping his lips mostly closed. He liked Anoop's hand on the side of his face, the soft pressure of Anoop's lips against his own, Anoop's stubble tickling his own skin. They kissed until Matt couldn't breathe and his lips were swollen and his erection was straining painfully against his boxer-briefs.

He was glad he brought extra underwear this time.

"I've been wanting to do that," Anoop said, finally breaking the silence. His hand slipped down further now, down Matt's stomach, under the waistband on his underwear. Anoop's fingers were smooth and cool. They felt good on his cock, a little too good. Matt came before Anoop had really touched him. He was too dizzy to be embarrassed.

"Anoop," Matt said. He wasn't sure what he should say. This had never happened to him before. So he said it again. "Anoop. Wow."

They didn't say anything else. They didn't do anything. But after a while, Anoop got out of the bed. Matt watched him undress the best he could in the darkness. He crawled into his bunk across from Matt. They stared at each other until Kris and Danny came back. After that, they pretended to be asleep. At least Matt was pretending.

He felt like he'd never go to sleep again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Matt opened his mouth to defend Anoop and Megan but he didn't get that far. Instead he just nodded._
> 
> "Yeah, Danny..." Matt looked up at him and sighed. "I'm really lost."
> 
> "I'll pray for you," Danny said, kindly. Matt had never felt so desperate in his life.

Matt waited until dawn until he moved. It was a painful wait, both because it was long and because his muscles cramped up from being in the same position and his arm was cold, the arm that was nearest the wall because Anoop pushed the covers back when he got out of the bed and Matt hadn't pulled them around himself again.

This was his punishment. Everything. All of it.

Nothing was sticky anymore. It was all crusted and hard. His underwear, the sleeping bag, even the worn fleece blanket on top of everything. Matt gathered it all after he took a quick shower and put on another outfit. He wanted to burn it all but then there was the blanket. He remembered snuggling with it freshman year, when he was homesick and he thought that other people knowing he snuggled with a blanket would be the worst of his secrets.

He managed to get out of the cabin quietly but then the door slammed shut behind him while he had the blankets in his arms. Matt thought he saw Anoop stir out of the corner of his eye. He hurried quickly to the woods.

It wasn't bad to be awake at six in the morning. He was sure there were a few people wandering around, though he hoped he wouldn't run into them. It was balmy out, humid, the day well on it's way to being a scorcher. The heat in Arkansas didn't calm down until at least October, most of the time. Matt paused against a tree just as he got to the edge of the woods to wipe the sweat off his face. He remembered Anoop against him, his breath so hot on his skin before he kissed him that Matt should have started sweating. Instead he just shivered. He even shivered now thinking about it. He just couldn't stop thinking about it.

Matt passed the high ropes course going deeper and deeper into the woods. All he could see were trees and grass and the roots of more trees. If Matt hadn't been walking in a straight line the whole time he'd certainly be lost. Soon the trees were marked with swipes of white paint. Matt wondered if they were all going to be cut down or maybe that marked the end of the property. He walked a little further. His arms were starting to really ache now. The sky was brightening bit by bit into light colors that seemed to bleed together. Matt wished he understood it more. He dumped the blankets on the ground when it felt right. He didn't have a torch or a shovel so he just stood there and looked at them for a moment.

"I could wash them," Matt said to himself. But how and where and why? He didn't deserve to keep it. Not even the blanket. Still he picked the blanket up and held it against his body. It was still soft and only a little bit soiled. There was the lake, he could try that. Matt remembered hiding under the blanket the first time he was home alone in the afternoon—he was about 12—and there was a thunderous storm all of a sudden. He remembered playing picnic with his stuffed animals in the backyard on his blanket until his dad came over and suggested that he start playing with his race cars instead. Matt loved that blanket. He couldn't just leave it in the woods just because Anoop kissed him and touched him and made him come all over the place.

Matt carefully placed the blanket back on the ground.

"Bye," he said.

He walked quickly back to the main part of camp. He liked the open chapel they had there that faced the ocean, just wooden pews, a stage, the lake, the sky and sun. He was about to take a seat in the back row when he noticed Danny up front.

"Hey," Matt said, standing. "Hey," he repeated, louder, and then Danny looked back at him. Danny was just the kind of influence Matt needed. He hurried down to join him.

"I know it's been weird," Matt said, suddenly in this babble-y mood now. There was no stopping him. "I don't want it to be weird. Danny, you've always been one of my best friends. Just because I'm not in the band anymore shouldn't change that. Maybe I can help you guys sometimes. How's Scott on the drums? How's that kid David? The piano. Never seen him before. How's Tim? I miss you guys. Danny." He sat close to him, maybe too close, but he didn't care.

"We're okay, right?" Matt peered at Danny, blinking in the morning sun that was reflecting off the lake. "Once and for all. We're good."

"Yeah, Matt," Danny said. He scrubbed a hand over his face. "It's just that... it's like, okay. You just made me look bad, alright? And I was upset about that. But I've been thinking and I've been praying and talking to God. I forgive you for that now, Matt. We all have our path, you know? And sometimes we, like, get off that path. It's just part of figuring out your place in the world. So it's okay if you're off your path. You'll get back on it. I'm looking out for you, Matt. I'm, like, still your friend. Always your friend."

"I'm off my path?!" Matt blurted out. Of course, he knew that but he didn't think it was so obvious. It was one thing that Anoop knew. But Danny? He might as well write his feelings across the sky using those small planes that did all the loop-de-loops and the fancy cursive sky writing with white smoke.

"Well, yeah." Danny shrugged. "Why else would you quit the band and you're hanging out with that Anoop guy all the time? What's he going to teach you? He's, like, a non-believer. And Megan! I'm, like, only telling you this because I really really care about you, Matt. But I'm going to support you. That's what God told me to do. I'm going to be here and I'll help you find the way back."

Matt opened his mouth to defend Anoop and Megan but he didn't get that far. Instead he just nodded.

"Yeah, Danny..." Matt looked up at him and sighed. "I'm really lost."

"I'll pray for you," Danny said, kindly. Matt had never felt so desperate in his life.

"Right now?" Matt asked. Danny took his hands and bowed his head. After a moment Matt lowered his head too but he didn't close his eyes. He just stared at the ground while Danny murmured, his voice low, moving in and out of Matt's hearing range. He wasn't listening that closely anyway. He had his own prayers to say. He just hoped that Danny's prayers would reinforce the fact that he wasn't a bad person. He was letting Danny help him out after all.

They both stopped praying at the same time. Matt looked up at Danny and he was almost hopeful.

"How do you feel?" Danny asked.

"Great," Matt said, cheerfully. "I think I'm going to be back on the right path. Soon. But... I'm going to...I forgot something. I'm going to get it before breakfast."

"We can pray together anytime," Danny said. "How about after lunch? Or I'm free after water sports. Oh hey, are you going to go to the ropes course today? We could--"

"I'll find you," Matt said. He didn't feel better, not at all. In fact, his hands were shaky and sweaty after being held by Danny so tightly. "See you soon, Danny."

Matt shook out his hands as he headed back to the woods. He didn't think he was back on that path because he had to get that blanket. He couldn't leave it there even though it was tainted by his biggest sin yet. The blanket also held some of his best memories in life.

And Anoop was one of them.

He found all his things right where he left them. Matt snatched his blanket up and began walking back towards the main camp. He walked over to the water near the boating area and slowly submerged his blanket under the cool water. He scrubbed at the spot and then squeezed the excess water out of the blanket. Matt laid his blanket out on the wooden boat deck when he was done. The sun was already strong, much higher in the sky now. It wouldn't take long for the blanket to dry.

Matt leaned against the railing on the dock and stared at the dirt path that lead down to the water. He was just staring into space not really thinking about anything, spacing out so much that he didn't really notice Anoop running towards him until he was practically right there.

Matt jumped, wondering where the fire was. Then he realized Anoop was just jogging. He was wearing a tank top and shorts and he smelled sweaty and delicious as he came closer and Matt stepped toward him, involuntarily, and then Anoop was right there, with his arms around him and they were kissing, right there on the boating dock.

Matt broke the kiss off almost as soon as it started.

"I know. Not here," Anoop said, bouncing on his toes in that stupid way runners did when they got stuck at red lights and they didn't want to stop moving.

"No," Matt said. "No, Anoop. Not ever. Please." His heart pounded in his chest. He thought about what Danny said. He was on the wrong path. He was hanging out with the _wrong people_. "Please. Leave me alone."

Matt snatched up his wet blanket and hurried away. If he were a jogger too he would have started running but he wasn't so he just walked quickly. Matt draped his blanket over a clothesline that was strung between trees next to their cabin so they could hang out their wet swim shorts. Then he headed to the cafeteria because the breakfast bell had already rung.

"Oh look who it is," Megan said after Matt sat down at the table where she was sitting with Lil and Katy and Kris. "It's the worst date in the world."

Matt sat down and it took him a minute to realize what he was talking about. Then he remembered that the dance was only last night. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Sorry," Matt said weakly. Megan threw a fresh toast stick at his head. It hit him on the forehead and then dropped down on the table in front of him.

"You made a big deal about asking me and then you abandoned me!" Megan said, emphasizing her point by wagging another french toast stick. Matt didn't know where these were coming from. Then Kris slid down the tray of french toast sticks down to him. It was still hot. Lil handed him a plate. Katy was in charge of the scrambled eggs.

"I didn't feel good," Matt mumbled.

"Oh yeah, right," Megan said. "Sure, Matt. Even when you were there you were ignoring me half the time."

"Do you feel better?" Katy asked, gently. Matt was sure she was trying to diffuse this little argument but she was also genuinely concerned.

"A little," Matt said. "Thanks. Oh, hey. I never said it... congratulations. Wow." He looked between Kris and Katy and even though he did feel sick inside he put a smile on his face. "You're engaged!"

"Yeah," Katy said. Kris smiled at him. Of course they would act like it was no big deal. "It was nice. I'm sorry you weren't there, Matt."

"I was looking for you," Kris said.

"You didn't even tell me when you were going to do it," Matt said, same stupid grin still plastered on his face. "It was surprising."

"We know how you can keep a secret, Matt," Lil said. "Like that one time we planned the present for Mrs. Abdul on her last day?"

Everyone laughed—laughed at him—and Matt laughed too even thought his stomach was churning and he wanted to scream about how wrong they were. He could keep a secret. He was keeping the biggest secret of his life and they had no idea.

"Look at the ring," Megan said. "It's only polite."

Matt didn't want to look at the ring. He didn't want to be _polite_. Katy extended her ring across the table just as Anoop walked over to them.

"Hey," Megan said, looking over at Anoop. "He says he was sick. Was he really?"

"Yeah," Anoop said. "He wasn't feeling well."

"Well, I believe Anoop," Megan said. "He wouldn't lie. I sent him looking for you. So maybe you can have a second chance, Matt. But next time can you say something?"

Between Anoop and Megan and Kris and Katy's ring and Danny's words and the never ending thoughts racing through his mind he really did feel sick. Matt got up from the table just as Anoop was sitting down.

"I still don't feel great," Matt said. He hurried out of the dining hall and went back to the cabin. How was he supposed to survive today and the next day and the next week and the whole rest of the year, the rest of his _life_? Matt crawled back into his bunk, empty now that he didn't have his sleeping bag and the blanket was drying on the line. He stared up at the bottom of top bunk above him. For once he didn't feel like praying or listening or anything. He just laid still. He wondered what it would be like if he just didn't exist.

There was a knock on the door. Matt didn't move. He didn't even know who would be knocking. It wasn't like the cabin doors were locked.

"Matt?" A voice said, a sweet voice. Katy. Matt sat up quickly and banged his head on the upper bunk.

"Ow," he hissed. Katy came in, eyes darting all around.

"Are you okay?" she asked as Matt was rubbing his head. She sat on the very edge of his bed. Matt half expected her to crawl across him and start kissing him. Why not? It was the new thing to do.

"Yeah," Matt said.

"I know I'm not supposed to be here," Katy said. Having the opposite sex in the cabins was a big rule to break but Matt wasn't worried. Katy could get herself out of any jam. "But I really had to see you. I'm worried."

"I'm okay," Matt said. "It's just a stomachache or a headache or something. Too much sun."

"Matt..." Katy said. She put her hand on his arm. "It seems like it's more than that. You just don't seem like yourself. Is something wrong? You can talk to me."

Matt wished he could talk to her. He _wanted_ to, he really did. But his problems revolved around how he was in love with her fiance and he wanted to make out with Anoop again and he couldn't stop thinking about all of this and how he felt like he was just being abandoned by God after devoting his whole life to him. He really didn't think Katy would understand. She'd only be disgusted. He wouldn't be able to stand it if she hated him.

"We only have one year left," Matt said, slowly. "It's really weird. Like, what are we supposed to do after this? I guess I've been thinking about that."

"Me too," Katy said. "Kris is talking about grad school. I think, what about me? Can I tell you a secret, Matt?"

Katy leaned over towards Matt before he could say a word. "I kind of want to go to LA and try my hand at being an actress."

Matt blinked. It was the last thing he would expect Katy to say. She wanted to go to LA, the land of sex, drugs, more sex and more drugs? He never would have guessed. But Katy just blinking at him.

"You were really good in the musical last year," Matt said. They put on a musical about every two years. They did Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Matt wanted to play the piano for the show but Scott beat him out once again.

"What's your dream, Matt?" Katy asked softly.

"Music," Matt said, without hesitating. "Just... music. Anything. But that's--"

"Kris, too," Katy said. "He won't admit it but I know. He's happiest whenever you guys are playing a song. It's such a powerful thing. I love watching you play, Matt. You're not like everyone else. You're intense but I can't look away because you're so happy. I want you to be that happy all the time! Is there anything I can do?"

"Can I see your ring?" Matt asked. He left hand was right there so Matt lifted her hand gently. It wasn't anything that Matt would call a _rock_ but the ring was perfect for Katy. He was proud of them both for having each other, for getting engaged, for going after their dreams.

"I guess," Matt said, still staring at Katy's ring. "There is something you can do."

"What is that?" He looked at Katy again, her wide, giving smile and her kind eyes. He was going to miss little moments like this after they graduated. It was very possible that he'd never see Kris or Katy again.

"Take care of Kris," Matt said. "He needs it. Like, I've been his roommate for four years now. He acts like he has it together but sometimes he forgets his shampoo and then he doesn't wash his hair for like three days. He talks in his sleep but it's nothing you can ever understand. If you make him roll over he'll usually stop."

Katy laughed a little. "Got it, Matt," she said. "I plan on taking very good care of him. I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too," Matt said. He smiled and it felt good. Katy stuck out her hand and they shook on it. Matt really did feel like he was passing on the torch. Like he might be ready to move on. Kris was his best friend. He needed to let go of the silly fantasy. It was never going to work, engagement or not. Matt always knew that but now it felt a little good. Maybe one day it would feel a lot good but he was satisfied with just a little bit.

"Who's going to take care of you, Matt?" Katy asked.

Matt smiled again. It was a very good question.

"God," Matt said, and he hoped he was convincing. Katy leaned against him, her head on his shoulder. It was nice but his mind drifted back to Anoop and the way he laid beside him in bed. He wondered what it would be like to let Anoop put his arms around him. Just for a little while.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I've never been on one of these," Anoop said. Matt followed his gaze up to the top of the trees. Anoop looked so much taller than him at that moment and lean. The sun glinted off of his glasses. He wanted to tuck himself under Anoop's arm and look with him. What if he gave in? Would it really be that awful?_
> 
> "It gets scary," Matt said.
> 
> "Some of the best things in life are a little scary," Anoop said.

Attendance at the activities weren't mandatory but if someone skipped a whole day and they weren't on their knees praying somewhere then the administration would start to get suspicious. So Matt hauled himself out of bed after an hour and wandered down the waterfront for water sports.

Danny and Scott were there. He invited himself to sit in the middle of their canoe. They argued the whole time about some Bible verse as they paddled in slow circles and Matt's butt got wet from the standing water at the bottom of the canoe.

It was thrilling.

After that Matt followed them to bible study group which turned out to be the reason they had been discussing that particular verse. He sat with everyone and felt bored and mostly disinterested which was a new feeling when it came to this type of stuff. Matt knew he wasn't the _smartest_ guy on the planet but he was good at talking about the bible. Now he couldn't even do that.

Matt left the group feeling tired and hungry because he didn't eat breakfast. They still had an hour to go until lunch. He dragged his feet behind Danny and Scott, biting his lip.

"Matt needs our help," Danny said.

"Yes," Scott said, even though Matt was fairly sure he didn't even know what Danny was talking about.

"I know this great place," Danny said. "It's, like, not too far. We can go there and pray for him. It's kind of in the woods."

Matt was sorry he'd agreed to this but he was also desperate. He knew they only wanted to help and he needed help.

"Hey guys," Megan said, walking over to them as everyone was changing activities. She was wearing short shorts and a thin tank top. A white bandage covered the tattoo on her arm, wrapped around and around. Matt was sure she got in trouble for just wearing that shawl last night. It hardly covered anything.

"I need to have a word with this young gentleman," Megan said. "If it's alright with you. Don't worry, you can exorcise him after I'm done."

"Megan," Scott said. "You're not exempt from what we're doing here. You can join us."

"Yeah, no thank you." Megan gave him a sarcastic smile and then grabbed Matt's arm. "Come with me." She led him off the path, through the grass, back towards the cabins.

"Megan..." Matt said weakly. She let go of him abruptly and put her hands on her hips. They were standing somewhere half hidden by one of the shower cabins and a large tree that hung low, weighed down by so many leaves. Matt looked up at the trees and took a deep breath. He had always loved nature. It was one of the clearest evidences of God.

"Okay, I know Anoop doesn't know you well," Megan said. "He probably thinks you're sick. You're fooling him but you're not fooling me. Katy says the same thing. And Kris too. You're so mopey. I just want to get to the bottom of this."

Matt shook his head. "Really, Megan, come on. I'm just... I'll be fine." He waved a hand. He just didn't want to deal with this anymore.

"Hey," Megan said. Her voice was lower. She stepped toward him and put her arms around him. "You know, I was really glad you asked me to the dance. I don't know, Matt. This is really weird but I kind of dig this _thing_ we've got going on." She leaned up towards him. Matt realized she probably wanted him to kiss her. "I know I said it was weird at the beginning but I don't know. We're sort of in the same place. We don't need to have a whole big commitment. We can keep it fun and get everyone off our back. What do you think, Matt?"

Matt's heart was racing. He was thinking of a lot of things. Megan was right. If they were together it would get people off their back. He could more easily avoid Anoop. But then he thought about what Danny said about Megan. Matt wanted so desperately to do the right thing. He couldn't help sighing.

"What?" Megan said. She moved away and gave him a searching look. "Are we on different pages here?"

"Megan," Matt said. He couldn't seem to get past that. Megan waved her hand in a circle like she was trying to hurry him along.

"Spit it out, Matt," she said.

"You're not exactly what I'm looking for," Matt blurted out, which was true—painfully true—but not for the same reasons that Megan might think.

"What?" Megan said.

"It's just that... see..." Matt drew himself up straighter and took a deep breath. "I've got to be careful about... I need to hang around people who are more serious about God. People who are... you know... who are more righteous--"

"Righteous?" Megan said. "Matt, what the hell are you talking about? Are you seriously listening to _Danny Gokey_ over there? Tell me you're not that stupid. People who have to call themselves _righteous_ are the least righteous of all! I can't believe you'd say that to me, Matt." Megan looked at him with her mouth open. The back of Matt's eyes burned but he didn't look away.

"What was I thinking?" Megan said. She barked a short little laugh. "I must be crazy. Whatever quarter-life crisis you're in have at it. God, Matt, I didn't think you could be such an asshole."

Megan turned and marched away before Matt could attempt to say anything. He watched her go as he was shaking. He couldn't believe himself either.

It was the last day so the seniors were on the high ropes course in the afternoon. Matt sat with Danny and Scott but he wasn't talking to them. Even Kris was giving him the cold shoulder. He knew Megan had told everyone about what he said to her. He avoided their eyes. Everyone had to pick a partner to belay them as they climbed through the ropes course. Matt just wasn't going to do it. He held his helmet in his hands as Danny helped Scott strap up his harness until he felt someone tap his shoulder.

"You'll be my partner," Anoop said. He held out the harness. Matt took it and smiled gratefully. He couldn't help it. Anoop buckled the straps around Matt's back once he stepped into the harness and they were wrapped around his waist. The contraption really squeezed his balls but he probably deserved it.

"It's really high," Matt said, stupidly.

"I've never been on one of these," Anoop said. Matt followed his gaze up to the top of the trees. Anoop looked so much taller than him at that moment and lean. The sun glinted off of his glasses. He wanted to tuck himself under Anoop's arm and look with him. What if he gave in? Would it really be that awful?

"It gets scary," Matt said.

"Some of the best things in life are a little scary," Anoop said.

"It gets _really_ scary, Anoop," Matt said. He crossed his arms as Anoop put his own harness on. Then the instructor asked for volunteers.

"I'll go first," Anoop said. He walked forward and Matt had no choice but to follow. He could feel everyone's eyes on them as Anoop prepared for the climb up to the high ropes course. He was the first person to go out of everyone.

"Anoop," Matt whispered urgently as Anoop clipped the rope to the front hook on his harness.

"What?" Anoop said.

"Are you sure?" Matt paused for a moment. "Are you sure you trust me?"

Anoop didn't say anything. He tugged on the rope and then he looked back at Matt. "Belay ready?"

Matt held his end of the rope, hanging on to it tightly. "Ready," he said with a shaky voice.

"Climbing," Anoop said.

"Climb on," Matt said. Anoop did climb up the rope ladder that shuddered and shook beneath him. He didn't lose a step. Matt watched his legs, his arms flexing, his ass. It was ridiculous how attracted he was to Anoop when he let himself think about it. He had to stop thinking about it.

One-by-one other people started going through the course. Matt followed Anoop slowly as he hopped from platform to platform on one part and then navigated across a tight rope in another section. Anoop never wavered. He didn't even come close to falling. He didn't pause until he was at Matt's favorite part, the end of the course, the zip line. Matt waited, holding the rope while Anoop took a break. Sweat dripped down his face from the sun but he didn't move his hands from the rope. He had to keep Anoop safe. He wanted to watch Anoop forever.

Two minutes later and Anoop hadn't moved. It became clear that he wasn't just taking a break.

"Anoop?" Matt called up to him. "You just have to do the zip line. Just step off the platform and you slide down the rest of the way."

Anoop didn't move. He didn't look at him. His hands were on the hand grip but he was no closer to stepping off the edge.

"Anoop, if you don't go the course is going to get backed up," Matt said. The course did get backed up but it was on the harder elements like the tightrope when people kept falling off. Not the zip line. The zip line was the easiest part. It was the reward.

"Are you okay?" Matt tried. "Anoop? Say something."

"I want to get down," Anoop said. It was strange how you didn't have to yell from so far up. Anoop was speaking in a normal voice but Matt could hear him perfectly.

"You have to use the zip line," Matt said. "It's fun! I promise."

Anoop shook his head. His lips were pressed tightly together.

"Nothing's going to happen to you," Matt said. "It's perfectly safe, Anoop! You can't get down any other way."

Anoop continued to shake his head. Matt could see people coming. He took a deep breath.

"I love the zip line!" Matt said, as cheerfully as he could. "It feels like flying, it really does, Anoop. I'm right here, I have the rope. Nothing's gonna happen to you. Hey, what did you say?" Matt blinked, remembering Anoop's words. His hands were sweaty but he never let go of the rope, not for a moment. "You said that the best things in life are scary."

Anoop looked at him then. It was the way Matt had always wanted someone to look at him. Someone like Anoop. He didn't know how long he could deny this.

"I'm right here," Matt said. He said it quietly because he didn't know how much he could mean it yet but he _wanted_ to mean it. "I'm right here."

Anoop straightened up, hanging onto the hand grip. "Okay," he said. "I'm ready."

The zip line always went fast, so fast that there really wasn't enough to enjoy it while you were in the air but it was such a rush when it ended. Anoop stumbled when his feet touched the ground. Matt hurried over to unhook him and then Anoop sort of fell into him and they had their arms around each other and they were both holding each other up.

"Good job," Matt said. This time he kissed Anoop first, quick, hurried kisses because everyone he'd ever known was coming this way and he didn't know if he would even have the courage to do this again. He shouldn't do this again. But he just kept doing it. He kissed Anoop one more time and unhooked the rope.

He could hear them. Everyone was even closer now. Matt was relieved when Anoop stepped away.

"Thanks," Anoop said. "It's your turn now."

"Anoop..." Matt said. He really was an asshole. One minute he was lecturing Megan about not being righteous and the next he was kissing Anoop. He didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know what to say but he had to try.

"We can't..." he started. Then he stopped because that's all there really was to it. "We can't, Anoop. We can't."

Anoop nodded and Matt knew he really did understand. He wished it could be different, he really did, but he didn't know how to change it.

Matt felt shivery all over again when Anoop leaned in and whispered in his ear, so close that Matt could feel his lips right there.

"You're a great kisser," Anoop said. He pulled away with a little smile. Matt smiled back.

"You too," Matt said and it felt great to say it.

Lil came down the zip line next, hooting and hollering.

"Yeah!" she said, falling to her knees at the end of it. "I never get used to it, y'all. Never ever. Oh, Lord, is it good to be on the ground. Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Matt stood next to Anoop and tried not to laugh as he watched Lil crouched on her hands and knees breathing heavily.

"Oh hey," Megan said, holding Lil's rope as she walked over. "Matt. Are you done being a dumb ass?"

"Yes," Matt said.

"You really hurt my feelings," Megan said. "I hope you fall up there. Just to scare you. I know Anoop will keep you off the ground. It's okay that you rejected me, Matt. I was thinking about it and we're better off as just friends. You're still an asshole, though."

"I know," Matt said. "I'm working on it. I'm about to enter a 12 step program. It's called How Not to Be an Ass to Megan."

Megan smiled and shook her head. "Quit being cute, Matt, I'm trying not to like you. How was he, Anoop? I can't believe you trusted him to keep you up there."

"Anoop did all the work," Matt said. "He's awesome at the ropes course. He didn't hesitate once."

"No, I did hesitate," Anoop said. He draped his arm around Matt, just like Matt imagined. He fit very nicely under Anoop's arm and he could smell his deodorant, which was nice. "But Matt talked me through it. And here we are."

"Good to know he's good for something," Megan said. "Come on Lil, it's my turn! I'll show you guys how it's done."

Matt followed Megan and Lil with Anoop at his side. The woods were thick with noise as everyone shouted encouragement to their partners high above. Matt wanted to do something crazy, like hold Anoop's hand. But Anoop just kept his arm around him as they walked, casually, slowly, back to the start.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Matt turned his head and he could see the stars. He liked the sky better at night. Then he was sure there wasn't something he was missing, like when the sun was some fiery red color that everyone was impressed with but it just made Matt frown. The stars seemed closer to God, glowing ever bright, ever steady, even behind the bright blue sky, the stars were right there. Sometimes you could see them in the daytime, God peeking through and checking on everyone._

They left around seven that night. It was a quiet ride back to campus. Most people were tired. Matt watched Kris drool on Katy again from across the aisle but this time he felt strangely removed. He didn't wish he were in Katy's place like he usually did. Instead he looked over at Anoop sitting beside him. He let Anoop have the window seat and Anoop was curled up against the wall, mostly asleep. He had his arms wrapped around himself and the seat reclined as far as it would go. The bus rattled over a few potholes and Anoop stirred, opening his eyes.

"Are you cold?" Matt asked. Anoop had a gray UNC hoodie on with the hood pulled up but he was still hugging himself.

"A little," Anoop said. "They have the AC cranked up."

"You can have this," Matt said. He had his blanket in the backpack he had stashed under his seat. He pulled out the blanket and draped it over Anoop gently.

"Thanks," Anoop said.

The ride was smoother now. Anoop looked more relaxed covered by the blanket. After Anoop closed his eyes again Matt leaned against him. The blanket was soft and familiar against his cheek and Anoop was comfortable too.

It was dark outside and dark on the bus. Nobody had the overhead lights on. Everyone around their general area seemed to be asleep. Matt toyed with the idea of kissing Anoop right there even though he wasn't going to do that anymore. He was glad they got a chance to talk about it at least, kind of. It made him feel better and things weren't that awkward between them. He smiled when he thought about the fact that Anoop called him a "great" kisser. It was also a relief to know that this was _real_. He wasn't just a crazy person obsessed with Kris. Kissing Anoop was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before and he'd kissed a few girls. It was nice but kissing Anoop was something he _wanted_, something he _craved_. He liked Anoop's stubble and his sweet tasting tongue. But there was something else about Anoop that he specifically liked. He liked that Anoop was a guy. And there was a special word for that.

He was gay.

Matt turned his head and he could see the stars. He liked the sky better at night. Then he was sure there wasn't something he was missing, like when the sun was some fiery red color that everyone was impressed with but it just made Matt frown. The stars seemed closer to God, glowing ever bright, ever steady, even behind the bright blue sky, the stars were right there. Sometimes you could see them in the daytime, God peeking through and checking on everyone.

God must have known he was gay. Of course he did. The funny thing was that Matt couldn't remember choosing this. When did it happen? Was it a wrong thought he had during middle school or was it because he started talking late? Was it because he spent skipped church five weeks in a row sophomore year of high school just so he could sleep in late? Matt wished he had a cause, wished it was something he could just apologize away but he was beginning to realize that it was a part of him and it didn't have to be _all_ bad.

Was that God talking to him? Matt didn't know.

He could stand not being with Anoop or not being with Kris or not being with anyone, just for now. It was nice to have this peace with himself. He didn't know how long the feeling would last but it made the ride back to campus much more enjoyable.

Matt woke Anoop once they go there.

"Hey, we're here," Matt said, shaking Anoop gently.

Anoop yawned and pulled the blanket tighter around his body. "This was a lifesaver," Anoop said, stretching his arms over his head with a yawn. He was so long and lean. He had dark skin that seemed to go on forever and Matt wanted to kiss him all over if he was just honest with himself.

"It's cozy," Anoop added, wiping the sleep from his eyes. "It smells nice. The blanket."

"You can have it," Matt blurted out. "Keep it, Noop."

"Noop?" Anoop said, raising his eyebrows.

"Anoop," Matt corrected himself quickly. His cheeks flushed and he tried not to be too embarrassed.

"No," Anoop said. "It's just that nobody has ever called me that before. But I like it."

"Nobody's called you Noop?" Matt said. "But it's so much easier to say."

"I guess I'm not the nickname type," Anoop said. "I like you calling me Noop."

"Alright, Noop," Matt said. "You can have that blanket, Noop. Since you like it so much, Noop. Noop. Noopy Noop. Noop-Noop. Nooperino--"

"Okay, okay," Anoop said. He yawned again, clutching the blanket. "Now you're just taking it too far."

"Oh you ain't seen nothing yet, _Noop_," Matt said with a grin. "It takes a lot to make me stop, _Noop_. I can go all night, _Noop_."

"Oh, I bet you can go all night," Anoop said and that shut Matt up. Instead he gave Anoop a half-shy, half-embarrassed smile. He didn't really know if he could go all night but he hoped he'd be able to find out one day, maybe with Anoop. Maybe.

"Better get out of here, Noop," Matt said. They were among the last on the bus. He followed Anoop out into the cool night air. Anoop wrapped the blanket around his shoulders as they walked back together.

"So many stars," Anoop said, pointing up overhead. Matt craned his neck, taking in the night sky yet again.

"I love stars," Matt said. "Stars are like heaven."

Anoop nodded. Matt felt slightly surprised. "I believe that too," he said.

They said goodbye on the elevator. Matt rode up to his floor after Anoop got off feeling light and happy.

When he got in the dorm room Kris was laying on his bed, cradling his guitar.

"I missed my baby," Kris said. Matt sat next to him on his bed.

"How'd it feel when you asked her?" Matt asked. "I missed it."

"How'd it feel?" Kris mused. "How did it feel?"

He was strumming the guitar. It felt like the beginning of a song that they needed to create. Matt pulled his keyboard out from under his bed.

"It felt like..." Kris said again. He played a little louder. Matt tried to match it. He thought about his blanket and Anoop's lips and his touch and the stars.

"Heaven," Matt suggested. He played high notes, something twinkling and light and ethereal. Kris nodded, playing along. It had been a while since they created something like this but the song came easily. It was nice to share this important moment in Kris' life with him like this. When they were finished the song was something he was really proud of and it was three in the morning. They put their instruments away and crawled into bed.

"Hey," Kris said, just as Matt was ready to drift off to sleep. "Matt, will you be my best man?"

"Of course," Matt said. Even though it hadn't occurred to him before now it seemed like this was exactly how things should be.

"Goodnight, Matt," Kris said.

"Night, Kris." Matt closed his eyes, pressing the side of his face against his pillow. Right before he fell asleep it occurred to him that Kris didn't have a nickname.

But Anoop did.

* 

"You guys are sick," Megan said, standing in the middle of the room at the end of band practice. "This only appropriate word for this band is dope."

"I liked 90s rap music too," Kris said. Megan rolled her eyes with a smile.

"We need to get you guys performing again," Megan said. "I have to find a gig for you."

Matt didn't mind not performing. It was nice having time just to meld into a group with everyone else. It was near the end of September now, a few weeks since the retreat, and they'd settled into a comfortable routing, practicing three times a week. Every time Anoop opened his mouth Matt was amazed by the sound. He seemed to get better or at least more confident every week. Everyone was improving. Allison was working on her fingering with the bass and Matt showed Jason how to be a little more aggressive on the drums. He liked their little unit, the hodgepodge band. When he left to practice he had a smile on his face and Anoop was almost always at his side. He didn't think he and Kris had been so inspired before and the band welcomed their songs with open arms. It was just a good place to experiment. Matt was sure leaving Promises was the best decision he'd made lately.

"We can perform at the next open mic at Fellowship Friday!" Allison suggested. It didn't matter how long they'd been practicing, she was always a fireball of energy. Matt watched her bouncing in place, her reflection moving along all of the many mirrors that lined the back wall of the multipurpose room in the Student Activities Center.

"That's a good idea," Megan said. "Nobody on campus has really seen you guys play yet."

Katy sat on the floor, their constant cheerleader and the one who would talk to whoever might try to kick them out of the multipurpose room if Megan forgot to book the place for practice.

"We're planning on doing the next Fellowship in the gym," Katy said. "So it's perfect because you'll have a place for everyone to plug their instruments in, if they need to."

"Then it's settled!" Megan said. "You guys will perform next Friday. We'll figure out the songs later but I've got an idea for now. Let's go out! It's Saturday night, let's get out of here. Anoop, are you 21?"

Anoop shook his head. "My birthday is in December," he said. Matt was surprised that he was younger than the rest of the seniors. He seemed a lot more mature in some ways.

"Aw, damn," Megan said. "We can't go out without Anoop. Well, there's the 18 and over club. I was just hoping we could all be upstairs all night."

"18 and over!" Allison said. "Dude, take me! What about me?"

"You know there's curfew," Megan said. "I'd totally take you."

"Hello!" Allison shook her head, her long hair bouncing all over her face. "Didn't you hear the new rule? If you're sponsored by an upperclassmen you can go off campus. And you can stay out until midnight."

"I didn't hear that." Megan looked over at Katy, who nodded.

"It's true," Katy said. "You can only use the privilege once a month though."

"I haven't used it at all! And the month is nearly over. Sponsor me, Megan, please? I want to go!" Allison clasped her hands together. "Please? I want to party with you guys!"

"You don't have to beg," Megan said. "I want you to come. Jason, are you down for this?"

Jason smiled from his drum set, giving her a thumbs up.

"I have a new hat," Matt said. "I'm going to wear it. So you guys should make sure you look as good as me!"

"Oh brother," Megan said. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

Matt laughed, putting his keyboard back in the case.

"Can we invite other people?" Allison asked.

"Who do you have in mind?" Megan asked.

"Well, there's this guy, David..."

"A _guy_?" Megan repeated. "David? That little kid David that plays piano for Promises now."

"He's in my math class," Allison said. Even Matt noticed the furious blush on her face. "He's really sweet. I don't know if he'll come but I'll twist his arm and make him!"

"Oh my God, you totally like him!" Megan said with a laugh.

"He's cute!" Allison shouted and then she buried her face in her hands.

"He's so sweet," Katy said, getting up to join Megan who was standing in front of Allison now. "Yesterday he called me ma'am."

"It's a date, girl," Megan said. "We're totally setting you up."

"I need to get out of here," Anoop whispered, appearing next to Matt all of a sudden.

"Yeah," Kris said. He hadn't been too far away. "This girl talk is out of control."

"Let's meet at nine," Megan said, loudly, glaring in Matt, Kris and Anoop's general direction. "I hear you guys."

"So, where are we going?" Anoop asked as they walked back to their dorm. Matt was planning his outfit. He also had a new watch he wanted to put on but he couldn't decide what jeans would go best with it. He'd had to take a second look when he got back to the room.

"There's a couple of places in town," Kris said. "They aren't like New York or anything but it's fun."

"Do you guys go out a lot?" Anoop asked.

"Does McDonald's count?" Matt flashed Anoop a grin.

"Drinking is against the code of conduct, of course," Kris said. "Nobody really goes out a lot."

"We don't have to drink!" Matt said. "We can have plenty of fun without drinking."

"Are you guys going change or anything?" Anoop asked as they waited for their elevator. Anoop was wearing his typical outfit of a t-shirt or polo shirt and khaki shorts. Matt thought Anoop could stand to put a different shirt on at least.

"I've got my hat," Matt reminded them. Anoop laughed a little.

"I'll meet you guys back down here," Anoop said.

"Bye, Noop," Matt called when Anoop got off the elevator on his floor.

Kris let them in when they got back to their dorm room.

"You think we're going to make curfew tonight?" Kris asked. He pulled off his shirt. Matt looked but he didn't linger on Kris' bare chest like he used to.

"Never," he said. His hat was in the closet, a black and white pinstriped fedora.

"What do you think?" He posed for Kris, turning all around and then tipping his hat.

"Very nice," Kris said. "You look handsome."

A few weeks ago that might have meant something to Matt. Maybe he would have obsessed over it all night. But now he just laughed and he rifled through his bottom drawer to find a good pair of jeans.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _  
> "So!" Matt said, wanting to change the subject very quickly. "Are we ready for tonight? Ready to... pick up some ladies?" He grinned but the words felt very false coming out of his mouth, especially with Anoop right there, sitting so close to him._

Matt chose his jeans, his watch and a nice shirt that he hadn't worn lately. It was dark blue, something his mom picked out over the summer but Matt really liked it. His sneakers were also fairly new and he brushed up his curls so they didn't look so wild. He checked the time once he was done getting ready. It was 7:19.

"Why do they need until 9 o'clock?" Matt said. Kris had finished even earlier and he was sitting on his desk with his glasses on. Matt thought he was reading until he looked over. Kris was staring into space.

"Wanna play War?" Kris asked after a moment. Matt nodded and retrieved the cards from under his bed. They had been playing an epic game of War since junior year, carefully logging the time they spent playing it so that they could send it in to the Book of Guinness Records or something when they finally finished. Kris put his iTunes on shuffle so music moved through the room. Then he sat cross legged on Matt's bed, across from Matt, who leaned back against the pillows and the headboard. Matt handed him his stack of cards, everything arranged just like it was when they left off.

"Is this Glee?" Matt asked when the next song came through Kris' surprisingly loud laptop speakers.

"Yeah," Kris said. "The music is good."

Matt smiled as they slapped their cards on the bed at the same time. They had just finished a tense war that left Matt down to only 10 cards when there was a knock on the door.

"It's open," Matt said just as Kris called, "Come in."

Anoop opened the door and poked his head in.

"Hey, Noop," Matt said. "Seriously, come in."

When Anoop opened the door wider he saw that Danny was behind him all dressed up in a white dress shirt with the cuffs rolled up to his elbows, a black tie and blue jeans.

"Danny wants to come," Anoop said. "I forgot when we were leaving."

"Megan said nine," Kris said. He was already gathering up their game. Matt logged the time in his iPhone. "Come hang."

"You guys were like, trying to sneak off without me, huh?" Danny said. He plopped down Kris's bed. Anoop sat carefully on the edge of Matt's bed, near Matt. He tried not to like it too much.

"No," Kris said, calmly. "You just weren't at our band practice when we made the plans. But you know you're always invited."

"How's that going anyway?" Danny asked. "Promises is going to perform at the Bill Clinton museum next week. Of course, I'm sure you already knew that."

Matt did know that and it hurt when he thought about it. He loved the presidential museum and he'd only gotten to go there twice so far. Performing there would be a dream come true. But he had left for the right reasons. There wasn't any room for regrets.

"You guys will be awesome," Matt said, as cheerfully as he could manage. "It's going to be amazing."

"I know," Danny said.

"Our band is going well," Kris said. "It's just for fun."

"That's pretty much all it can be," Danny said. "We already have an official band on campus."

"So!" Matt said, wanting to change the subject very quickly. "Are we ready for tonight? Ready to... pick up some ladies?" He grinned but the words felt very false coming out of his mouth, especially with Anoop right there, sitting so close to him. "Well everyone except Kris, though."

"I can make the perfect wing man," Kris said. "I'll teach you how to do the puppy dog look." Kris stared straight ahead, pursing his lips in a soft pout and making his eyes go all wide and innocent. Matt was nearly over his crush but he'd have to be dead if that didn't affect him just a little bit.

"Don't do that," Matt said. "We're going to get chicks like... the other way! By talking to them ourselves. And dancing with them."

"I don't dance, generally," Anoop said. "I don't think tonight is a dancing night."

"Okay, so we'll go about it another way." Matt laughed. He wanted to give Anoop a look but he wasn't sure what it would mean in front of everyone.

"I'm not looking to pick up chicks," Danny said. "There's no way you're going to find a decent woman in a bar."

"Then why are you going, Danny?" Matt asked.

Danny shrugged. "Because, like, it sounded like fun. And also, uh, I heard that... someone else was going."

"Who?" Kris asked. Danny was jiggling his foot, nervously, but he also had a stupid smile on his face.

"Well, she's in your band.," Danny said, almost looking shy about it. Matt racked his brain and couldn't come up with anything. Was he talking about Megan? Well she wasn't technically in the band but she ran everything. Like Megan would ever give Danny a chance. Matt almost started laughing but he kept it together.

"Allison?" Anoop said and then he all clicked in Matt's head. After all, she was the only girl actually in the band and Danny always seemed to like people who were completely wrong for him and quite a bit younger.

"She's spunky," Danny said. "I like her hair."

"Allison?" Matt repeated.

"I think Katy and Megan are planning on trying to hook her up with David Archuleta tonight, man," Kris said. "You know, the kid who plays piano for your band? Might cause some friction."

Danny shrugged. "We'll see."

Matt tried not to be too disgusted. It wasn't unusual or even _that_ uncommon for seniors to date freshman if they were still single. But Danny was a a couple years older than the rest of the seniors and Matt just didn't like it. When he finally met Anoop's eyes he could tell that Anoop felt the same way. Allison was like a little sister. He definitely wanted to protect her.

"Let's just all have fun," Kris said. "As friends. That's what I want to do."

"Of course you're not thinking about this stuff," Danny said. "You're engaged."

"I still think about it," Kris said. "I've only been engaged for, like, three weeks."

"Do you think about kissing Katy?" Danny said in a sing-song voice. He made kissing sounds that were supposed to be funny but Matt just threw a pillow at him. He wished he could have found a reason to lean against Anoop but the only thing he could come up with was faking a grand mal seizure.

"All the time," Kris said, seriously. "I wish we hadn't taken that vow."

"What?" Matt said before he could stop himself but his mouth dropped open. He'd never heard Kris say anything like that before.

"Yeah," Kris said. "The more I think about it the more I'm not sure I agree with it."

"You don't agree with keeping your body pure?" Danny asked. "I think that's pretty basic."

Matt swallowed. He also thought it was pretty basic but then he thought about Anoop touching him and he knew that if he could figure out how to have that all the time and be alright in God's eyes he would choose that every time.

"I don't know," Kris said. "I really love Katy and I think that the physical love is a part of that. I'm wondering if denying ourselves that until marriage is something that came from God or if it's a restriction we put on ourselves for more cultural reasons than anything else."

"That's ridiculous, Kris," Danny said. "If you read your bible, which I thought you had, you would know that it explicitly states to wait until marriage to have.. because that's..."

"Sex?" Kris supplied.

"That's for procreation!" Danny finished, sputtering out the last word.

"I'm not even talking about sex," Kris said. "There's more than one way to share something like that with someone. But even it was sex... I don't know. I don't think it would change Katy or me as a person. We've always lived our lives for God and we would continue to do so whether or not we kissed before marriage. Or had sex. It doesn't define who we are or who we're going to be."

"I don't like this talk," Danny said. "It's like four years and you haven't learned anything."

"I think I have learned," Kris said. "One of the most important parts of being a Christian is learning to think for yourself. That's a trap many people fall in. That's the lesson they never learn."

"There's nothing in the bible about thinking for yourself!" Danny exclaimed. "I think you're just _horny_."

Kris held up his hands, almost a surrender gesture. "I guess I wouldn't be a normal guy in my early twenties if I wasn't."

Matt shifted on the bed. There was denying that he _was_ horny, a lot, especially with Anoop on one side and Kris on the other. But he was definitely staying out of this conversation. He didn't have anything to add except that he hoped if Kris could be so open-minded about the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing he might be just as open-minded if Matt ever told him the truth.

"I think it's fascinating," Anoop said. "How much of the bible is up for interpretation."

"It's really _not_," Danny said. Matt's phone rang, his ringtone piercing loudly through the room.

"It's Megan," Matt said, answering the phone. "Hey. Yeah we're ready." He hung up. "She said let's meet now."

It was only around 8:15 and Matt was glad because he was ready to get out of there. They walked out of Clearwater Hall into the balmy air. The sun was just about set and it reminded Matt of how the days were getting shorter and shorter, just like his time in college.

The girls were waiting in the main parking lot and it was clear that the group had grown. Lil was there and so was Tim, standing with a broad grin on his face in a skintight shirt that Matt had to turn away from. Most surprisingly, Katie Stevens was there, standing with David and Allison. All of the girls were dressed up in tight pants and short skirts with their hair done and probably make-up but Matt had never been too good at telling the difference between lipstick and lip gloss and regular lips. He just wasn't going to guess. But they all looked good so he said so when Megan came up to him.

"You guys look good," he said.

"Duh!" Megan said. She bumped him with her hip and shook her butt a little in her ruffly skirt. Matt had never thought of her as the ruffly skirt type but there she was, long legs and high heels. He was glad things had returned to normal after their brief flirtation/kissing thing. He still wished he hadn't been so rude to her but there was nothing he could do about that now except make sure it never happened again.

"Okay," Katy said, walking over to the group. "We can take the 14 passenger van. I'll drive."

"You're going to drive us to the club in the van?" Megan asked, her eyes wide.

Katy jiggled the keys in her hand. "That's what I was thinking."

"It says Gates College on the side," Megan said with a laugh that sounded more amused than anything.

"I want to make sure we all stay together," Katy said. "And this way I can make sure we're back by midnight. Are we ready?"

Kris climbed up front with Katy and the rest got in the back. Matt found himself in the back row, sandwiched between Allison and Danny.

"So," Danny said, leaning over Matt so Matt could smell his hot breath in his face. Matt made a face. "Allison. Has your hair always been that color?"

Matt hoped Danny could come up with a better pick up line than that. Allison wiggled beside him, unable to keep still for a moment.

"Nah, man," she said. "This color comes from a box! _Mi padre_ calls it fire engine _rojo_ but I call it Rockstar Red!"

"Looks good," Danny said, leaning over Matt to finger Allison's hair. Matt pushed him away.

"Can you get off me?" Matt said. "The AC doesn't reach this far."

"It is hot," Allison said, fanning herself.

"Allison, um," David said, turning around from the row of seats in front of them. "Would you like... a piece of gum? I'm not saying you need it or anything, it's just that I was going to have some, um, and--"

"Sure, David," Allison said, taking a piece. "I love Doublemint!"

David beamed at her and Matt couldn't help smiling. He wished he had a crush as innocent and simple as that.

The club wasn't too far away, just about 20 minutes with Katy driving carefully. Matt had been there a couple of times. There was a big dance floor and couches and chairs all around on the first floor and above was the bar and sometimes some scantily clad girls dancing in a cage. It was only nine when they got there so no one was really there. Matt didn't mind that they had the place to themselves. The girls were gabbing and the guys stood together, a little ways away. It was sort of like middle school.

"I thought you were ready to cut a rug," Anoop said, looking pointedly at Matt. Matt couldn't help blushing.

"Gotta get warmed up," he said. "And I need to make sure my hat's going to stay on my head."

"Mmm hmmm," Anoop said, with a little smirk that Matt decided he loved. He wished he could kiss Anoop right now.

"Hey Megan," Matt said, loudly, because he needed a distraction. "Dance with me? Looks like it's up to us to get this party started."

"Darling, I thought you'd never ask," Megan said. She grabbed Matt's hands. They were all standing on the dance floor so they just started dancing right there. It was a Lady Gaga song followed by a Jason Derulo song so basically everyone had no choice but to start dancing, except for Anoop, who sat down with their Jason.

The Cupid Shuffle came on next. Matt struggled to follow the directions, always stepping left when it was right or hopping too many times forward and running into people. Even Anoop was laughing from the couch and giving him a thumbs down. Well, Matt had never claimed to be a dancer, even if all you had to do was follow simple directions.

"This way," Katie said, suddenly behind him as he got confused about which way they were cris-crossing. He couldn't help noticing how Katie bent her knees and shook her hips as they walked it out to the next sequence. Every time they turned Katie was a little closer. Then the Cupid Shuffle was over, switching to a Kanye song, and Katie had her ass pressed against him, dancing like the other couples on the floor, the ones that weren't from their Christian college. All of a sudden the club seemed to explode with people. It was much more crowded now.

"You are good," Katie said, really grinding herself against him. Matt's cock was already fragile, no matter who was doing the rubbing. He didn't think he could take it.

"Thanks," Matt said. "All that dancing made me thirsty..." He moved away from her as quickly as he could. When he noticed Megan staring he grabbed her wrist and lead her up to the 21 and over upstairs area where Katie couldn't follow.

Megan burst out laughing as soon as they were up there.

"What?" Matt said.

"Man," Megan said. She reached out and adjusted the hat on Matt's head. He pulled it back. He liked it a bit crooked. "She is _bold_."

"What do I do?" Matt asked.

"I don't know," Megan said. "Maybe you should forget about what I said earlier. She might be fun... for a lark. She sure is going hard after you. What is it about you, Matt, what makes you so irresistible?"

Matt shrugged. He wished he really were irresistible to the people he actually liked.

"You're such a mystery," Megan said. "There's something about you that I just can't figure out."

Matt sat on a bar stool as Megan took the seat beside him.

"I'm not that deep," Matt said, with a smile.

"I didn't say you were deep, I said you were mysterious. Let's not get too full of ourselves, mister." Megan laughed and then she signaled the bartender. "Two tequila shots and two Coronas please."

Matt looked around and then he realized Megan had ordered that for them. "Megan," he hissed. "We can't drink."

"Shhhhhh," Megan said, pressing a finger to her glossy lips. "Nobody's up here. They don't have to know."

Matt's heart was pounding wildly as the bartender put the drinks in front of them. Megan handed him a 20 like it was no big deal.

"Okay," Megan said. "Have you done tequila before?"

Matt shook his head, although he had seen it done in movies. He watched Megan lick the salt off her hand and then toss the tequila back like an expert. Megan smiled at him as she sucked on the lime and then took a swig of the Corona.

"Your turn," she said. "It's the good stuff. I mean, it's not Patron but it's better than the cheapest. Come on."

Matt picked up his shot glass. It was such a small amount of liquid but so intimidating. He'd been drunk exactly once and that was back in 8th grade. Matt felt sort of pathetic when he thought about that. He took the salt and then tossed the shot back. It was fire sliding down his throat and he even felt the burn in the back of his nose. The lime didn't help and neither did the Corona but he downed the whole thing anyway. When he put the empty bottle down Megan was just laughing at him.

"Ha ha," Matt said, coughing a bit. He glared.

"This is what people in college do," Megan said. "They get stupid sometimes. Come on, it gets easier with practice."

"I've got the next round," said a familiar voice behind them. Matt turned around just as Megan squealed, "Adam!"

He had to admit he was surprised to see the tall, dark-haired guy standing right there with a bunch of glitter on his face. Megan jumped out of her seat to give him a hug. Adam Lambert. Matt felt sort of dumbstruck and he wondered if it was the booze.

"That's my name, don't wear it out," Adam said lightly. "How's it going?"

"You got my message?" Megan said. "Silly, why didn't you call back?"

"You know I don't call, I just show up," Adam said. He gave Matt a warm smile. "Hi Matt."

Matt lifted a hand. The tequila made him feel warm and loose. Adam was wearing all black with a lot of bangles on his bare arms and a tattoo on the inside of his wrist. He was tall, but not that much taller than Anoop. Matt had only been a freshman but he remembered the scandal well. Adam Lambert, caught with another guy in his dorm room, a "friend" that had been visiting. His roommate walked in on them and then he reported it straight to Dean Dwyer.

Adam was expelled on the spot.

A cautionary tale, Matt guessed. He thought about being with Anoop in their cabin and then on the boating dock and at the end of the ropes course, kissing him. He could be going down the same path as Adam Lambert.

Matt needed another drink.

"Next round's on me," Adam said, like he could read Matt's mind. "What are you drinking?"

"We were doing tequila," Megan said. "But that's pretty dangerous. Let's stick with beer."

Adam got them three more Coronas. Matt fingered the neck of his latest bottle and watched Adam as he settled on the stool next to Megan.

"How's the musical?" Megan asked.

"Opening night is two nights away," Adam said. "I'm ready to get on that stage. It's going to be amazing. You should come out."

"Oh you know I will," Megan said. She turned to Matt. "Adam is doing Wicked in Little Rock for two weeks. That's why he's around."

"What happened to your band?" Matt asked, remembering Adam on that stage. He didn't think he'd ever forget it.

"We're still around," Adam said, looking slightly amused at the fact that Matt had spoken. Matt didn't know how to interpret that. "I perform with them when I can. How's _your_ band?"

"Don't worry, I'm whipping them into shape," Megan said. "I crack the whip. They like it."

"I bet they do," Adam said, nudging his shoulder into her side. They both laughed, nice and easy.

"You're phenomenal on the keyboard," Adam said, turning to Matt. "I couldn't take my eyes off you."

"Thanks," Matt said. He wondered if Adam were coming onto him and then he felt stupid because just because Adam was _gay_ didn't mean he came on to every guy he _talked_ too but then again did Matt think that because he _wanted_ Adam to come on to him and what would it be like to be with someone like Adam who was actually _experienced_ except Anoop did seem like he knew a few things--

Matt blinked. He shouldn't have had that tequila.

"Where'd you learn to play?" Adam asked.

"I just taught myself a few things," Matt said. "Fooled around. And then... it happened."

The alcohol certainly wasn't making him more eloquent. Matt quickly downed the rest of his beer anyway.

"Well, way to go," Adam said. "That's what I love to do in my spare time. Fool around."

Then, so quick Matt decided he made it up, a wink. Was that _flirting_? Matt shook his head and opened his eyes wider so he could have a better grip on reality.

"I like to sleep," Megan said. "In my free time, I like to get away! Just like what we're doing tonight. We might pay for it in chapel tomorrow but it's worth it just to have some fun sometimes!"

Matt nodded and he kept nodding until he was dizzy. When he focused again Adam was staring. He had really intense blue eyes.

"Why did you go to Gates anyway?" Matt blurted out. Adam continued to stare at him.

"Oh, one of the stupidest reasons anyone can choose a school," Adam said. "I was following a guy. Plus, I guess, I thought I could cure me too."

Adam shrugged as Matt's heart pounded painfully in his chest. Adam's gaze was so steadfast. It felt like he was looking through him.

"It was like Felicity, except 100 percent more gay," Adam said. "College wasn't for me anyway. Even my parents thought I was crazy."

"You were!" Megan said, hitting him lightly in the chest. "But I'm glad because I got to meet you. Sometimes a gay guy is the best friend a girl can have!" Megan leaned against him and Adam hugged her from behind. He dropped a kiss on her forehead lightly. Matt had no idea they were that close.

"Okay, guys, I gotta pee," Megan said. She hauled herself up and headed to the bathroom, stumbling just a little.

"So," Adam said. "What's your favorite part about Gates?"

"Uh..." Matt couldn't think of anything. Adam didn't looked fazed.

"I've got an idea," Adam said. "Why don't we go to the bathroom too?"

"I don't--" Matt said. "I don't have to go."

Adam shrugged. "You've really filled out, Matt. You're cute. So I thought maybe you'd like to have some fun real quick. No big deal, I'm just putting it out there."

Matt's mouth dropped open. Now he _really_ couldn't deny it. "How'd you... how'd you know?" Matt stuttered.

Adam waved a hand. "Don't worry, it's not obvious. I'm just an observant guy. I've been in your situation. And I saw the way you were looking at that Kris guy. You two aren't..."

"No," Matt said. He swallowed hard.

"Good," Adam said. "Cause I heard he gave that Katy girl a ring. You should never go that far. I think that's just wrong."

Matt didn't know what to say. Adam ordered them two more drinks, another shot of tequila. This time it went down smoothly.

"So..." Adam said. He got up and went to the bathroom, just like that. Matt had a choice. He sat there until Megan came back.

"Hey, where'd Adam go?" she asked. Matt stood up. It felt like his legs weren't under his own control as they propelled him forward.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Matt said. He couldn't believe he was doing this.

When he got in there Adam was leaning over the sinks, dabbing a bit of something to his lips. Maybe it was Vaseline but most likely it was more of that sparkly lip gloss. Matt had never imagined himself with someone like Adam.

"Oh hey," Adam said. "I just like to freshen up before."

"I've--" Matt said.

"Oh, you don't have to tell me that, honey," Adam said, with a kind smile. "That much is obvious."

Adam led them into the handicap stall. It smelled like stale urine and the alcohol on Adam's breath. Matt closed his eyes, expecting to be kissed. Instead, Adam yanked his pants down.

"I have a few new things to try out," Adam said. Matt jumped when he felt Adam's fingers outlining the length of his cock through his boxers. It was almost embarrassing how he instantly became mega-hard but no one had ever touched him like that. It was different from that one time with Anoop. Matt hoped he could hold off coming for just a little bit longer this time.

Matt sucked in his breath as Adam eased him out of his boxers. He couldn't believe he was letting this virtual stranger handle his cock but at the same time it felt irresistible. He'd been wanting an experience like this for so long.

"Nice," Adam said. "Anyone will be pleased with you, baby. You're the perfect size."

"Thanks..." Matt said. His knees were buckling. It was hard to stay upright with Adam touching him, stroking his cock lightly, and his head was swimming from the alcohol. He backed up against the wall and braced himself there the best he could. Adam gripped him now with a loose fist, stroking him harder. Matt's bare ass twitched against the cool metal of the wall and he bit his lip, trying to make himself last.

"This is okay, right?" Adam said. Matt knew Adam was looking at him in the face but he couldn't focus. He nodded.

"Alright, because I'm going to blow you. I want you to tell me how good it feels."

Matt kept nodding as Adam got to his knees on the floor. He really couldn't believe this was happening to him. Adam grabbed his hips, holding him firmly and then he felt Adam's lips on the tip of his cock, giving him little kisses all around the head. Matt gasped and for a moment he thought he was going to come right then but he managed to hold it. Adam laughed, his breath hot and cool on Matt's cock at the same time.

"Calm down," Adam said. "I haven't even _done_ anything yet."

Then Adam's tongue on the underside of his cock, long, bold strokes, licking him up and down and all around. God, Matt didn't think it could feel so good. Then he really thought about God and he felt guilty but it felt _so_ good. His eyes rolled back in his head. His hands smacked the wall and he had to tell himself to keep breathing as Adam put his whole mouth around him, warm and wet. Then Matt remembered Adam's instructions.

"Oh," he moaned. "It feels... wow... I..."

"Mmmm," Adam hummed around Matt's cock, which was an awesome sensation. If Adam was saying actual words Matt didn't catch them. But he did feel Adam tonguing him and sucking him gently. Then Adam's big, strong hand was on the base of his cock. He gave Matt a hard twist and brought him all the way in his mouth so that Matt thought his cock was touching the back of Adam's throat. Then Adam's fingers, very lightly, massaging his balls and then his hand traveling back towards--

The orgasm took Matt by surprise. He lost his tenuous grip on his body and everything was exploding out of him, a hard orgasm that shook his body so that Matt banged the back of his head on the wall while his cock was still deep in Adam's mouth. His hat fell off his head, straight for the floor.

Matt felt sweaty and shaky as Adam carefully extracted Matt's cock from his mouth.

"Well," he said, swallowing a few times and then wiping his mouth. "That didn't last long."

"Sorry," Matt said. He felt flushed, exhilarated, guilty, humiliated, satisfied, scared and almost proud at the same time.

"Hey," Adam said. "I should have known. I guess I'll have to practice another time."

"It was good," Matt said, blinking up at Adam as he got to his feet. He hoped he wasn't too terrible. "I really liked it. You're really good. You're amazing."

"Well, yeah, you're going to say that!" Adam pulled Matt's boxers up for him but left Matt to deal with his jeans. "Anybody who puts your dick in their mouth is going to be _amazing_ for the first few times. But thanks, I appreciate it."

"Should I..." Matt gestured towards Adam's belt buckle. He was intoxicated and dizzy and pretty sure that it was almost time for them to leave but he thought it was only polite if he reciprocated. He didn't know what the rules were for this sort of thing.

"Nah," Adam said. "I'm sure you couldn't do much for me anyway. But this was fun! Seeing you so turned on. It was hot, Matt. I hope I showed you what you've been missing at that college. If you ever want some more tips, give me a call. Little Rock is only 90 minutes away."

Adam handed him a business card and Matt expected it to say ADAM LAMBERT: PROFESSIONAL SEX GOD or something crazy like that but it only said his name and how to contact him.

"Thank you," Matt said. He was having trouble with his fly. After a moment he decided just to leave his shirt untucked. "Thanks, Adam. I gotta--"

"Yeah," Adam waved a hand. "Curfew. Tell Megan I said bye. See ya, Matt."

"Bye, Adam," Matt said breathlessly.

"Wait," Adam called after him. Matt stopped in his tracks. Adam was holding his hat out to him.

"Don't forget this," he said. Matt jammed it back on his head and hurried out of the bathroom. Megan was nowhere to be found so he jogged downstairs. Kris was waiting near the exit.

"Come on, man," he said. "We gotta go. You okay? Megan said you went to the bathroom and that was like 15 minutes ago."

"Fine," Matt said, although he felt strange. A blow job from Adam Lambert. Thinking about it again made him shudder and he wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing.

"You sure? Megan said you were drinking."

"Just a few drinks, Kris, I'm fine! Don't..."

"I'm not going to tell. Of course." Kris clapped a hand against Matt's back. "Let's go. What happened to your hat, it's on backwards."

Matt snatched the fedora off his head. The hat had been a stupid idea.

Katy drove even faster back to campus so they could make their curfew. There wasn't any time to talk. Everyone had to head straight for the dorms. Matt knew Kris would go to bed right away because he liked to get a good night's sleep before chapel the next day. Chapel. He didn't even know if he deserved to go.

Matt thought about it as he laid in the dark on his bed after Kris turned out the lights, relieving Adam's touch again in his mind. His cock was still sticky from Adam's spit, his come and Adam's lip gloss. He thought it might be his latest bedtime fantasy but thinking back on it didn't really turn him on at all. In the back of his mind, Matt always thought that his first time with a guy would be something special, something he waited for. Something he saved for someone he really trusted. But now it was over with and as he was slowly sobering up he realized that special was everything that blow job wasn't.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"And you have to make your peace with it, darling," Adam said, quietly. "I know you're struggling with a lot but believe me, I've seen it happen before my own eyes. When you come to accept this it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you."_

When Matt woke up the next day his head hurt, his mouth tasted awful, his stomach churned dangerously and he had 20 minutes to make it to chapel. Still, he laid there for a few minutes because his thighs ached from when he was bracing himself against the wall. He felt the ghost of Adam's hands on his hips, yanking his pants down, Adam's lips on his cock. He swallowed hard, not sure if he was just nauseous or trying not to feel so dirty. After that he had to get up. His shower took less than three minutes and he grabbed the first pair of khakis he pulled out the drawer, along with the same gray collared shirt he wore last Sunday. His wallet was on the floor. Matt picked it up and a card fluttered out. Adam's business card. Matt knew he should throw it away but he didn't.

Kris left a muffin and a small bottle of orange juice on his desk with a note: _Don't be late!_ Matt wolfed down the muffin, chugged the orange juice, then hurried across campus.

The bells were ringing in 10am when Matt jogged up the stairs to chapel. One of the Worship Leaders manning the door handed him a Nutrigrain bar. Matt clutched it as he walked inside and through the double doors to find a seat. Megan turned around and waved him over. Matt walked over, reluctantly.

"Hey!" Megan said, just as the Worship Leaders were starting the procession down to the pulpit. "What happened to you last night? I was worried."

"Are you okay?" Anoop asked. He was sitting next to her. They both scooted over to make room for him in the row. Matt glanced over his shoulder at Kris and Katy coming down the line. Kris gave him a concerned look as well.

"Yeah," Matt said. "I'm gonna sit up front."

He continued down the aisle and slipped into one of the pews that was directly behind the Worship Leaders in the front. Matt bowed his head, partly because he was dizzy and partly because he was ready to be serious about today's service. He didn't want to be distracted by his friends. He just wanted to listen to the wisdom of God's word so he could apply it to his own life like he tried to do every single day.

"Friends," Pastor Ryan said. "Brothers and sisters, I want to welcome you to another glorious day for every day on this earth that God gives us is wonderful. Let's give a round of applause, guys!"

Pastor Ryan said that every Sunday and they always clapped. This time the clapping hurt his head like everyone was smacking their hands against his ears. Matt kept his eyes closed and took a deep breath, holding it until the clapping was over. Pastor Ryan had them open their bibles. The words swam in front of his eyes. He loved his bible. It was his high school graduation gift from his mom. There was an inscription on the inside _To my wonderful son, Matt. I am so very proud of you. To me, you are God's greatest gift._

Matt ran his fingers lightly over the words. Reading them made him dizzy. He wondered if he would be "God's greatest gift" forever or if that would change if she ever found out the truth.

Images from last night came to his mind, unbidden, and he felt a stabbing pain in his stomach as he thought about Adam looking up at him after he finished. Matt had to put his bible down. Instead, he just sat back and listened to Pastor Ryan's words.

He couldn't stop thinking about it, though, even through the powerful pull of Pastor Ryan's words. It was just a game to Adam, something for him to do because he was bored. Matt never should have acted on his impulses. Now God really could see everything that was ugly and twisted inside of him. He could see how weak he was. Not that there was any hiding that, really, but at least before Adam Matt could _pretend_ that he was better than that. Going to that bathroom with Adam was a horrible decision.

So why did Matt want to see him again?

Matt's head ached, from his forehead to his temples to his entire brain. He shook his head slightly but it didn't help.

Pastor Ryan was always so animated in the morning, with his perfect blonde hair and blinding white smile. He was really handsome if Matt let himself think about it, which he didn't usually. Matt liked guys a little taller than Pastor Ryan, though. He thought about Adam once again.

He thought about Anoop.

Matt took another deep breath and looked up towards the high chapel ceiling with the point that led straight to God. Why couldn't he keep himself together, even here? He just wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep.

The student sermon was next. A pretty senior with short blonde hair named Carrie Underwood stepped up to the podium. She was quiet, already married, and pretty much stuck with a group of friends from off campus. Some people thought she was stuck up but Matt thought she seemed nice enough. She stood up there with a quiet confidence.

"Life is one big journey," she began. "It's the journey down God's path. It's the journey to figure out who God wants us to be. This is the ultimate goal. We have to be true to his plan."

Matt listened, guilt gurgling in his stomach. Was this truly who God wanted him to be? The kind of guy that had sex with strangers in a club bathroom, and then thought about it during church? The kind of guy who practically lusted after every guy in his path? That was not God's plan. It couldn't be. So why couldn't he escape it?

The room was spinning. Carrie spoke in a loud, clear voice, but he couldn't really hear any of it. He wiped a hand across his forehead. He was sweating. Everything was hot and loud and heavy. Matt stood up when he couldn't deny it anymore. He made his way out of the pew and hurried up the aisle, out of the sanctuary.

He managed to make it to the toilet before he threw up but he didn't have time to crouch down or close the door. The orange juice and muffin were horrible coming up and so was the booze. He stood there for a few moments until he was completely sure the heaving had stopped. Then he wiped his mouth with his hand and straightened up. When he turned around Anoop was standing by the sinks.

"Hey," Anoop said. "I saw you run out and Megan told me to check on you."

Matt felt too miserable to be embarrassed. He rinsed his mouth out with slightly warm water then washed his hands. Anoop handed him a couple paper towels.

"Sick?" Anoop asked.

Matt remained hunched over the sink. He rested his forehead on his arms.

"Hungover," he said.

"Yeah, Megan said you two'd been drinking," Anoop said. Matt jumped when he felt Anoop rubbing his back but then he relaxed when Anoop didn't stop right away.

"Tequila can hit you hard sometimes," Anoop said. Matt's eyes watered. It sounded like Megan had given him all the details. He wondered what else she told Anoop.

"So stupid..." Matt mumbled. Anoop's hand was still on his back and then Anoop's fingers stroked the hair on the nape of his neck, lightly.

"You're not stupid," Anoop said, quietly.

"I think I'll just go back and lay down," Matt said. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror, pale and pathetic. What if Kris came in the bathroom in the club last night, looking for him while he was with Adam? He was sure he was making some kind of noise.

His stomach still hurt.

"I'll walk with you," Anoop said.

"No," Matt said. "I'll be okay. I just..." He trailed off, really not sure what he was going to say at all. Anoop just stared at him. Matt could feel his eyes even as he focused on the sink.

"I'll go," Anoop said. "It's no big deal."

Matt had honestly never been outside of chapel while Sunday service was happening. Campus was like a different world, a ghost town. There was absolutely no one around. The sun was high in the sky, bright and strong, as he walked with Anoop back to the dorm. They walked slowly, mostly because Anoop was following his lead and Matt didn't want to move fast in case his stomach decided to revolt again. Matt felt like the world had ended and he and Anoop were the only people left.

He did end up vomiting again about halfway back to Clearwater hall. He took a deep breath afterward and let it out loudly. He felt so guilty for throwing up in the grass. No one threw up in Gates' grass, especially after getting drunk against the rules and hooking up with another _guy_. When he was done Anoop handed him a paper towel. Matt pressed it against his mouth and dared to look at Anoop.

"Sorry I'm so gross," he said.

"You're not," Anoop said. He looked serious and as if to emphasize his point he slipped his arm through Matt's and took his free hand. Matt expected him to let him go after a moment but he didn't. They got all the way to the dorm. Anoop let go of his hand so he could swipe his card and open the door.

"I'll tell everyone you're sick," Anoop said, standing there with the door open.

"Anoop, have you ever been with someone?" Matt blurted out. Anoop just stared at him.

"A guy," Matt clarified in a small voice. He stood there, holding his breath. Anoop moved closer, holding the door with his foot. At first Matt was scared Anoop was going to kiss him but he only put his arms around his neck. He gave Matt a gentle hug.

"No," Anoop whispered in his ear.

One more reason he should have waited.

Anoop pressed his floor on the elevator and they rode up together.

"You probably need some Tylenol or something," Anoop said as Matt fiddled with his ID so he could swipe it through the card reader on his door. After a moment Anoop took it and did for him.

"I _have_ had a hangover before." Anoop held the door open and gave him a meaningful look.

Matt undressed while Anoop went in the bathroom to look for pain pills. He didn't feel weird getting naked in front of Anoop and he was pretty sure he had vomit on his shirt and pants so he just wanted to get out of them.

When Anoop came back he was in his underwear. Anoop just handed him the pills.

"Do you have anything to drink?" Anoop asked.

Matt had to sit because he felt dizzy. He pointed at the mini-fridge Kris' mom had bought them freshman year. They still had water and Gatorade from their last trip to the store. Matt didn't want any orange juice.

Anoop sat on the edge of his bed and handed him a bottle of water. Matt didn't feel like swallowing but he forced himself too. Then he laid down. Anoop stared at him. Matt couldn't quite read his look so he closed his eyes. He felt overwhelmed by the desire to confess everything that happened with Adam but he was also tired so he kept his mouth shut.

"I'm gonna get back for prayer group," Anoop said. "Feel better."

He kissed Matt on the forehead, lightly, and it was so nice. Nicer than when he kissed him on the lips, nicer than Adam sucking his cock. Why couldn't it just be like this? Just laying on the bed together and looking at each other and trying to figure out everything in the world without words.

But Matt liked to talk and then Anoop was gone and his head hurt and the thing with Adam, well, as much as he regretted it and knew it was wrong, he knew he probably wouldn't say no if he had the chance to do it all over again.

* 

Megan decided they needed a cohesive look for their first Gates performance so they all wore ties to Fellowship Friday. Allison looked cute in a Christmas tie she had borrowed from Jason. Kris had his favorite polka dot tie around his neck with a Beatles t-shirt. Megan tied Matt's tie for him. He was just wearing a black one with a white shirt. Anoop was wearing a pink button down shirt and a Carolina blue and white striped bowtie that hung around his neck, untied.

He looked pretty hot.

Matt loosened his tie as they listened to Tamyra belt her way through a beautiful gospel song. They really needed more gospel singers on campus. He was just staring when Kris came up beside him.

"Ready?" Kris asked. It was loud in the gym but Matt heard him anyway.

"Sure," Matt said. "It's just like old times. Almost."

"I don't know why I'm nervous," Kris said.

"Gotta impress them all over again," Matt said, clapping Kris on the back, but he was nervous too.

They decided to go with two of their pop covers and two Christian songs since they were performing during Fellowship. Lil introduced them enthusiastically.

"Let's give it for Gates' newest band, The Way Down!" Lil lead the round of applause. Megan whooped and clapped with her hands over her head, a couple of ties wrapped around her tattoo on her arm.

They opened with Kris' smart re-arrangement of Find Your Love by Drake. Matt concentrated on the keys, his tie brushing across the back of his hand at times. He heard Anoop's commanding, strong voice fill the gym, singing Drake's words: _Too many times I've been wrong. I guess being right takes too long._

The four song set flew by and then everyone was clapping and Katy was grinning at all of them. Matt got down from the small stage feeling happy and satisfied. He wanted to put his arm around Anoop but Danny came up to him.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey, Danny, what's up?" Matt looked over at Anoop giving Allison a hug, congratulations for a job well done.

"You know how we, like, have that show tomorrow?" Danny asked. It all came back to him. Promises was paying at the Bill Clinton museum. Jealously filled him once again.

"Yeah," Matt said. "You're going to do great, don't worry."

"Dave's real sick," Danny said. "We're going to need you to fill in for him. You're the only one who knows all the songs."

"What?" Matt asked, his heart quickening.

"Yeah, you have to do this, Matt," Danny said. "We can't back out and we don't have anyone to--"

"Piano," Matt said. Danny made a face.

"No, Matt, you'll play the drums and Scott can do the--"

"I'll only do it if I play the piano," Matt said.

Danny shook his head. "But Scott wants to and he's _actually_ in the band, you're just--"

"I want to play the piano," Matt repeated.

"You've never even played the piano for our band," Danny hissed. "Scott said--"

"I'm serious, Danny," Matt said in a low voice. "I'm going to play keys or nothing."

Matt stared Danny in the face and it felt good, like he was standing up for the things he actually believed in. Danny groaned after a moment.

"Fine," he said. "We're leaving at eight tonight."

Matt smiled and kept smiling even as Danny walked away. Allison ran over and threw her arms around him.

"Your piano playing is the best!" she declared. "I never seen fingers that can move like yours do!"

"You were really slappin' da bass!" Matt said, playfully slapping her on the back. Allison squealed and ran away to hug someone else.

"Hey," Anoop said, walking over to him. "Good job, Matt."

"You were..." Matt said, suddenly not feeling as playful. "You were amazing."

"So you're going to go with Promises?" Anoop asked. Matt looked over his shoulder then realized that Anoop had probably heard the conversation.

"I do what I can," Matt said. "They need someone to fill in."

"Have a good time," Anoop said. Matt smiled at him even as he remembered Adam's card was still in his wallet..

* 

They got to their hotel around 9:45 that night and Matt had his own room. It was the Capitol Hotel which was outrageously fancy with robes in the large bathroom, a separate shower and tub, along with more pillows on the bed than Matt could count. He figured Adam knew how nice the hotel was because when Matt called him there was no hesitation in his voice when he said he'd be over in an hour.

Matt didn't know why he was doing this. No, he knew why he was doing this. As dirty and wrong and immoral and bad and _unfeeling_ the whole hookup in the bathroom had been last time it still felt... well, Matt had never come like that in his life and he wanted to see if it could happen again.

He didn't have anyone else.

This time Adam was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, no makeup, his hair tucked under a black baseball cap with no logo, like he just bought it from Wal-Mart. Matt opened the door and blinked. He wasn't even sure if he saw Adam on the street like this if he would recognize him.

"Hey," Adam said, casually. "Wow, nice digs."

"They're not mine," Matt said, stepping aside. Adam gave him a look as he walked in the room.

"Well, _duh_," he said. "But it's a nice hotel room. So you guys are performing at the Bill Clinton museum tomorrow?"

Matt nodded. Adam smirked at him. He wasn't sure why.

"Isn't that quaint?" Adam said. Matt wasn't really into this small talk but even after inviting Adam and everything he was nervous.

"I like it," Matt said. "There's a balcony. You can see the whole city."

"Little Rock," Adam said. "There isn't much to see."

Matt pressed his lips together, feeling a little chagrined. Sure, Little Rock wasn't his city, he wasn't from there, but he still thought it was nice. He remembered the fireworks over the river last summer and the bars were always cheap and friendly. Adam didn't need to _insult_ it but it was like Little Rock had ever done anything for him, Matt guessed.

"How's the show going?" Matt said because he had just remembered.

"I can do it in my sleep," Adam said. As if to emphasize his point he stood at the foot of the bed, closed his eyes, spread his arms out and then fell back against the bed,

"Speaking of sleep," Adam said, in a lower voice. He patted the empty space on the bed beside him. "Come here," he said.

Matt sat on the edge of the bed. This was it, he guessed. Adam gave him a big smile.

"You've got..." Adam said, reaching for him. He patted Matt's cheek. "You're cute. Like I said. You're cute."

"You're..." Matt said. He couldn't say cute because Adam wasn't cute. He wasn't sure what the exact word was. Matt had never been good at that. "You're... just... I don't know." Matt laughed, feeling stupid now. "You're just Adam."

"That's what they tell me," Adam said. "So, what should I show you today?"

Matt bit his lip. He was ready for it now. Adam reached for his pants and Matt closed his eyes. But there were no lips on his lips, no breath in his face, just Adam's hands on his pants and then Matt awkwardly helped him push them down after he undid Matt's fly. Adam ran his hand down the side of Matt's leg. Matt swallowed, hard.

"Your thighs," Adam said. "They are so fucking sexy."

"Can we turn out a few lights?" Matt said. Every single light in the room was on and suddenly it was blinding.

When Matt returned to the bed, Adam was on his knees.

"Take off your underwear," Adam said. "Let me watch."

Matt had to admit he liked the way Adam admired him as he dropped his boxers on the floor. He took off his shirt too so he was completely naked. He'd only left one light on but it seemed to be enough for Adam. He pointed at the bed.

"Lay down," Adam commanded. Matt laid on his back, against all the dozens of pillows. Adam settled between Matt's legs, gently pushing them further and further apart.

"That's it," Adam murmured. He kissed Matt's thigh, each one of them in turn. It tickled. Matt had to force himself not to squirm.

"There you go, baby," Adam said. He licked his way up the inside of Matt's thigh. Matt pressed a hand over his mouth.

"I wanna hear you," Adam said, looking up at him. "Tell me how you like it."

"It--" Matt couldn't suppress a giggle. "It tickles..."

"Right," Adam said. Matt closed his eyes when he felt Adam's lips on his cock once again. Matt gripped the edge of the bed where he could reach and took a deep breath.

"I'm just getting started," Adam said and there was his tongue there too, right on his balls. Matt blinked at the ceiling and wondered why it felt like he was just watching the weather.

Adam's mouth was all over him and Matt could tell he _really_ knew what he was doing. Matt didn't know what was going on.

"Relax," Adam said. Matt's heart started pounding. Nothing was happening. He covered his face with his hands until he didn't feel Adam's mouth anymore. When he uncovered his face Adam was staring down at him.

"What's going on?" Adam said.

Matt looked down at his cock, slightly damp but just as soft as when Adam started.

"This doesn't usually happen when I'm involved," Adam added with a generous smile. Matt couldn't smile back.

"I don't know," Matt mumbled.

"This time we can't blame it on the alcohol," Adam said. "Something on your mind?"

Matt nodded. That must have been it.

"Look," Adam said. "I know what they teach you at that evil school but being gay is not--"

"They don't teach us that," Matt said, quickly.

"Keep telling yourself that, honey," Adam said.

"Well, maybe..." Matt said. "It's something I've thought about. But nobody _taught_ me that I just..." he trailed off, not sure what he was trying to say.

"It's something that you're born with," Adam said. "The way you are. And if God made everyone well guess who's responsible for that."

"I'm thinking about someone else," Matt blurted out.

"Oooo!" Adam said, eyes widening. "Do tell. I love hearing about cute boys. It is a boy, right? Or are you going to tell me you're actually confused."

"Yes," Matt said. "I mean, it is a boy. A guy. He's... someone..."

"Someone you want to get with," Adam supplied. "So why don't you do it? Is he into you?"

Matt thought about Anoop's hand on his cock or the lovely kiss he planted on his forehead after he'd been so gross and sick.

"Maybe," Matt said. "I think so."

Adam clapped his hands together. He got out from between Matt's legs and tossed him his boxer shorts.

"I'm a romantic," Adam said. "I believe in true love. What's his name? Tell me about him."

Matt felt better now that he was half-way dressed and talking in the dimly lit room. Adam settled against the pillows beside him on the bed. It felt good just to have someone to talk to like this.

"His name is Anoop," Matt said. "He's new at Gates. At first I thought it was just my imagination but then... we were alone and he... kissed me."

"What are you waiting for?" Adam said, giving Matt a playful push.

"We just..." Matt said, trying to think of the best way to explain himself. "We _can't_! If we get caught then we'll get expelled. Just like--"

"Just like me," Adam said, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, I know. But so what, I got expelled. It's not the end of the world. I ended up finding my own life. And guess what. Here's another idea. Don't get caught."

Matt smiled, imagining himself if he really let go and hooked up with Anoop. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep his hands off him, ever.

"I know it's a small place," Adam said. "But I'm sure you two could work it out if you tried."

"He's not like anyone else," Matt said and he couldn't help smiling to himself. "He's just... so smart but... he doesn't rub it in your face. He just helps you. And he listens. And he seems to _notice_ me and he never judges me. I can really talk to him, I can tell him anything, I think. He..." Matt blushed now but forced himself to continue. "He's got this dark skin and his eyes..."

Adam fanned himself, looking at Matt. "Sounds hot. Not my type but totally good looking. Anoop, is that Indian?" Matt nodded and Adam sighed. "Yeah, totally hot."

"He is hot," Matt said. "He's tall and thin and his hands...his fingers..." Matt wiggled his fingers which were not as long and lean as Anoop's but Adam seemed to get the picture.

"Say no more," Adam said. "I bet he could do incredible things with those fingers. You should find out!"

"I don't know where to start!" Matt said.

"Invite him to your hotel room," Adam said with a wink. "It was easy with me, right?"

"He's got curfew," Matt said. "And... I asked him... he said he's never been with a guy before."

"There's a first time for everything, boo," Adam said. "And it can be fun, it's nothing to worry about. If you're with the right person exploring is the best thing in the world."

"But I'm worried," Matt confessed. "What if--"

"Believe me," Adam said. "If he _kissed_ you he's gonna wanna do more than that. Nobody takes kissing lightly. I save the kisses for the ones I really like. No offense, Matt."

Matt waved a hand. "Yeah, it's cool," he said and he was glad that Adam had never kissed him. At least that was one thing he could save for Anoop.

"You're going to have to keep me updated," Adam said. "I want to hear about how everything goes between you and this Anoop guy. Sometimes you just have to take the initiative. Make the first move."

"I just have to make sure it's the right time," Matt said. "I just..."

"And you have to make your peace with it, darling," Adam said, quietly. "I know you're struggling with a lot but believe me, I've seen it happen before my own eyes. When you come to accept this it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you."

"You think so?" Matt asked, almost feeling hopeful. "I just keep feeling like I'm on the wrong path. Like everyone is going one way and I'm completely lost."

"Hey, did you ever hear that poem?" Adam asked. "The Road Not Taken. There's something to be said about being your own man. And hey, maybe that was God's plan the whole time? It's open to interpretation. Your interpretation, Matt. You're the only one that's going to know what's right for your life. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for. Stop trying to listen to everyone else. If God's speaking to you then you should just listen to yourself."

Matt didn't say anything for a moment just absorbing Adam's words. There was still so much he did believe and he believe that everything happened for a reason. This was just more evidence for that.

"Hey," Adam said. "There's a piano downstairs. I have some songs I need to perfect for my next audition. Want to help me?"

"Yeah," Matt said because that was one thing he never questioned. Playing piano would always be right for him. "That sounds like a good idea."

"Great," Adam said. "I always like to work with the best and you, Matt, are one of the very best."

Matt smiled as he got up and put on his clothes. The piano was free downstairs and at first the front desk clerk glared when Matt started playing and Adam was belting his song at the top of his voice but in a little while they had quite the crowd. Matt felt exhilarated. There was nothing quite like playing in an intimate setting like this when all eyes were on him. Matt felt like he was creating something for other people to enjoy, even if it wasn't his song, it was his interpretation. He also felt closer to God when he was playing music, God's strength flowing through him. Matt watched Adam sing and perform. Adam was beautiful but he wasn't like Anoop. Matt wanted to really get to know Anoop and he knew he'd regret it if he never really tried.

As Matt played he realized that he didn't feel quite so guilty anymore. They always told him that God worked in mysterious ways. Maybe this was one of those ways. Matt didn't know if that was really true but he decided that was what he was going to believe, at least just for that night.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Matt prayed every night. He prayed to know that this was the right thing. He prayed for forgiveness. He prayed for strength. The more he thought about it, the more at peace he felt. He knew that this was something that could really make him happy._

Surprisingly, Halloween was a big deal at Gates.

Matt loved it. They had a huge party during fellowship on the Friday closest to the actually Halloween holiday. This year they were lucky enough that Halloween was a Friday so that made the party even better. The Student Activities Committee spent all day putting up decorations in the auditorium and the front hall of the Student Activities Center where the front lawn with grave markers and fake spiderwebs on the grass.

There was always a costume contest and Matt always lost but he loved to try. This time he drove out to the Halloween store in Little Rock with Kris and Katy and they bought a few things. Matt tried to keep his costume a secret up to the last minute even as Megan kept hounding him that whole week.

Kris and Katy were going as Edward and Bella from the Twilight books. Kris modeled the final product in the middle of their dorm room. His long black wig was perfectly combed and he could actually fit into a pair of Katy's jeans.

"How do I look?" Kris asked, tossing his hair and striking a pose.

"You need to pout more," Matt coached. "Bella is miserable."

Kris stuck out his lower lip and his eyes were blank. Matt nodded until Kris burst out laughing.

"You need to work on that," Matt said with a grin.

"I don't understand those books," Kris said, putting on his own sneakers. The tight tank top he was wearing was also Katy's and but the flannel shirt belonged to Kris. Matt didn't even know what they did to get those realistic bumps on his chest.

"But I do know," Kris said. "That I can never smile. Everything is serious."

"Yep," Matt said. "She's tortured inside. Poor thing."

"I feel so many," Kris said in a monotone voice. "Feelings."

Kris opened the door when there was a knock on the door. Katy stood there with her hair slicked back in a severe ponytail and her face ghostly white. Her lips were red and she had done something to her eyebrows to make them black. She was wearing a gray peacoat and a dark t-shirt tucked into dark jeans.

"Hey," Katy said, jutting her chin forward.

"Hey," Kris said, playing with the ends of his hair.

"Bella," Katy said, her voice as deep as she could make it which wasn't very deep. Matt pressed a hand against his mouth and suppressed a giggle.

"Edward," Kris said, pitching his voice higher at that moment.

"I--" Katy said.

"You--" Kris said, stepping closer.

"I have something to tell you," Katy said, gruffly.

"Edward," Kris said, stepping even closer. He put his hands on Katy's shoulders. "I'm not like other girls."

"And I'm not like other boys," Katy said. "I'm—"

"Yes?" Kris said, staring into Katy's eyes. "Yes, Edward? Tell me."

"I'm a vampire!" Katy said. She hissed and opened her mouth wide, exposing her vampire teeth. Then she bit Kris' neck. He squealed and dropped to the floor.

Matt fell over on his bed, laughing hysterically. When he was able to focus he saw Katy peering at him, obviously satisfied with her performance.

"Is that what happens in the movie?" Matt asked when he could talk.

"No, Edward would never bite Bella," Kris said, getting off the floor.

"Sorry, baby," Katy said. She grabbed Kris' hand and pulled him up the rest of the way. "I couldn't resist. I have these chompers." She bared her teeth and Kris laughed. Matt didn't know how Kris could stand it. He wanted to kiss Katy right then for being so adorable and he wasn't even into women like _that_, at least not really. He certainly wasn't engaged to her.

"You keep those chompers under control," Kris said.

"Yes, ma'am," Katy said, smiling sweetly. Kris shook his head and took her hand.

"You guys make a very cute undead couple," Matt said.

"Why thank you!" Katy gave him a small curtsy. "But we're half un-dead. Bella's alive."

"Well she's dead inside," Kris said. "Until she meets her true love. A vampire. He's had 100 years to learn how to love."

They all laughed because they had all seen that commercial a million times. Matt glanced at the door to make sure it was still open. Since they were seniors they could have female visitors in the afternoon but the door had to be open at all times.

"Where's your costume, Matt?" Katy asked. "We better get there soon or the punch is going to be gone."

"Can't miss the punch," Kris said, shaking his head, slowly. "That sparkly, crisp, cool blood punch is the highlight of my fall semester."

"Hey!" Katy said, hitting his shoulder playfully. "I'm the vampire here."

"I know you feel the same way," Kris said. He squeezed her hand and they both grinned. Matt smiled back. He just felt so happy for them. He wished he had never been so jealous.

"You guys go," Matt said. "Start drinking all the punch without me. I know a vampire has to keep his strength up. I need to put the finishing touches on my costume. I'll only hold you up."

"Okay, you sure?" Kris asked. "It's no big deal waiting."

Matt waved a hand. "I'll see you guys there. But you can save me a ghost pop, if you're feeling generous."

"Anything for you, Matt!" Katy said. She and Kris walked out, hand in hand, practicing their next Bella and Edward routine. Kris did look good in those jeans. Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Well, strong feelings didn't go away in a day. Or a week. Or a month. Maybe even months.

That was something Matt was counting on.

It had been over a month since he met Adam in that hotel room and Matt still hadn't made a move. He wanted to, he really wanted to, but it had to be _right_.

Matt prayed every night. He prayed to know that this was the right thing. He prayed for forgiveness. He prayed for strength. The more he thought about it, the more at peace he felt. He knew that this was something that could really make him happy.

He had to try. And he felt like God would want him to because anything had to be better than how he was feeling before.

The mask Matt bought was so scary that he couldn't even pick it up at first. It was a realistic zombie with squishy white eyeballs and a nasty tongue poking out of the blood red peeling mouth. Matt didn't even want to look at it too hard as he put it on. It was hot inside the mask and smelled like rubber but worth it if he scared a few people. He took the mask off again so he could put on his all black outfit. Then he tucked the mask into his bag and headed downstairs.

The party was already in full swing by the time Matt got there. He saw Allison and Megan talking just inside the front door of the student center, each with cups of that famous blood punch in their hand. It was really good and Matt wanted a glass. Allison was dressed up like a 50s girl, in a poodle skirt and her hair tied up into a high ponytail. Matt thought she looked more innocent than she usually did. Megan was dressed in a sheer white dress that was tight and didn't leave much to the imagination. She had a veil on her head and her tattoo was uncovered. She also had many other tattoos decorating her bare legs and her other arm and her neck and even her face. They were henna tattoos. Matt didn't exactly know what she was supposed to be but he liked it.

He admired them both from the shadows for a moment. Then he pulled on the mask and jumped out at them yelling, "Arrrrrrrrrrgh!" in his best zombie voice.

Allison screamed and Megan jumped and squealed. Matt was laughing so hard that he was caught off guard when Megan grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward.

"What the hell!" she said, ripping off his mask. "Matt! Look what you _did_!"

Matt focused on her dress, now stained red all down the front. Her cup was on the floor.

"Nobody told you to wear white," Matt said. Megan shoved him and groaned.

"You are such an ass," she said.

"Whoa, Matt," Allison said, hand over her chest. "I can't believe it. That mask is like, scary, dude! I almost went out of my mind. I thought I was in a horror film. I was about to start running and fighting." Allison balled her hands into fists and punched at invisible enemies. Matt had to smile. She definitely wasn't a real 50s girl.

"Look at my dress!" Megan said.

"I'm sorry, Meg," Matt said.

"Yo," Allison said. "You can be like a zombie bride now. Go with it. You've got blood punch on you. You were attacked by Matt and now you're a ghost!"

Megan rolled her eyes and sighed. "You're lucky this dress only cost five dollars, Matt. Because that's how much you owe me!" She glared and held out her hand, expectantly. After a moment, Matt dug in his pocket and gave her five dollars.

"Jesus Christ, where did you get that mask from?" Megan said. "It's awful. Don't wear it in front of me again."

"I have my sources," Matt said.

"I was so scared," Allison said. "My heart is still racing. It was awesome, dude."

"You're horrible," Megan said. "Did I say that already?"

"Matt, Matt," Allison said, hitting Matt's arm all of a sudden. "Do it to David. He's coming this way. I'll distract him."

Matt grinned and put the mask back on. He waited until Allison was babbling at David and then he jumped out from behind her.

David screamed and then he said, quite calmly, "Oh dear." Allison and Matt both cracked up as Allison gave Matt a high five.

"Gotcha!" Allison said, gleefully. "Isn't that mask scary?"

"It is..." David swallowed and couldn't seem to talk. "Quite..."

Matt clapped him on the back. "You took it well. I scare myself in this thing! It's really creepy."

"Gosh," David said. He was dressed like a basketball player in a jersey and shorts and it was quite awkward on him. "I think I saw a monster like that in a dream once."

"Hey David," Allison said, loudly, like she always talked. "I have a question for you. How would you like to be my boyfriend?"

Matt froze. It was sort of a public place for that kind of conversation. David seemed to blush from his head to his toes. Matt saw that his legs literally turned red.

"Um, wow, Allison," David said, staring at the ground. Allison looked at him, not even fazed by his usual hesitation. "I, gosh, um... that would be... um..." He lifted his eyes and looked Allison in the face. "I'd really like that, Allie."

Matt smiled at the clarity of David's words, the happiness in his voice. Allison grabbed him and pressed a kiss to his lips. It was awkward but cute. Megan slipped her arm through Matt's, coming up beside him.

"Young love," Megan said. "Isn't that grand? I wish we had some of that."

Megan laid her head against Matt's arm. Matt hoped the answer to his question tonight would be a yes, too.

"I'm still mad at you," Megan said, pinching his arm hard.

"Ow!" Matt said. "I thought we were sharing a moment!"

"The moment's over," Megan said. She walked away but turned around and gave him a wink. Matt just smiled. He was in a really good mood, even better now, after watching Allison and David.

Matt put his mask on when he saw Danny picking out cookies at the sweets table. He ran up to his side growling, "Arrrrrrrrrgh!"

Danny's eyes widened and he dropped the cookie that was in his hand. Then he calmly picked it up and put it back on his plate.

"Man, who are you?" Danny asked. "I was like, trying to eat."

"Hey, Danny!" Matt said, taking the mask off.

"That mask is seriously disturbing," Danny said, recoiling from Matt even once he showed his true face. "I don't like that."

"It's scary!" Matt said. "I look in the mirror at myself and I'm scared."

"Why would you want to be in something that scary anyway?" Danny asked. "We're not emphasizing that part of Halloween here."

Matt rolled his eyes but he couldn't even bother to be annoyed. "Sometimes it's fun to be scary, Danny! What are you supposed to be?" Danny was wearing jeans and a polo shirt tucked in that looked a little too small.

"I'm a pastor," Danny said. "Practicing for my future career. Like, that's a positive use for Halloween, using it to dress for the future."

"Fun," Matt said. He turned around and rolled his eyes. After he downed a cup of punch he saw Kris and Katy standing near the entrance to the auditorium where everyone was going to gather to start the scavenger hunt. He snuck over there, put his mask on, and jumped out at them.

Kris yelped while Katy clapped her hand together in delight.

"Matt, that mask is _insanely_ scary!" Katy said.

"Matt?" Kris said. When Matt peeked out from under the mask Kris was half behind Katy.

"I can fight you," Katy said. She jumped into a fighter's stance. "I'm a vampire, remember? I've got teeth!" She bared her teeth once again. Matt laughed and almost slipped his mask back on when he saw Anoop coming. He stuffed it back in his bag and picked up his cup from the nearby table.

"Hey guys," Anoop said. Matt's heart beat faster just looking at him. It always did.

"Anoop, have you tried the punch?" Katy asked. "It is so good. Hurry up, there's only a limited amount."

"Seriously, man," Kris held up his cup and nodded. "You don't want to miss this."

"Sure thing," Anoop said. He caught Matt's eye and Matt smiled.

"Hey Noop," Matt said. "What's your costume?"

"Me?" Anoop said. He looked down at himself. It was fairly obvious. "I'm perpetuating all racial stereotypes and dressing up as a doctor."

"You look good," Matt said and he wasn't even sorry he said it. Anoop was wearing a stethoscope around his neck and green scrubs that were low-cut in the chest area so he could see Anoop's smooth skin there and even some of his sparse chest hair.

"I'm not creative when it comes to costumes," Anoop said. "What are you?"

Before Matt could respond Lil's voice boomed through the room. "Attention, attention!" she said. "Everyone report to the auditorium! It's time for the contest!"

Everyone started filing inside and the people in charge of the food started cleaning up. Anoop looked over his shoulder as a few students snagged the rest of the punch.

"Guess I missed it," he said. "Now I'll never know why it's so amazing."

"You can have the rest of mine," Matt said, offering his half-drunken cup. He didn't think Anoop realized how major this gesture was because that blood punch was _amazing_ but then Anoop gave him a look when he took Matt's cup that made Matt think maybe he did.

They sat together in the auditorium and watched the parade of people who wanted to be included in the costume contest. Matt clapped and hooted extra loudly as Megan strutted down the aisle in her stained dress. He thought the costume looked even better that way. She struck a pose on the stage and then glared in Matt's general direction. Matt slunk lower in his seat.

"I guess I deserved that," he said. Anoop just raised his eyebrows.

Kris and Katy walked down the aisle to the stage and Katy pretended to bite Kris again on the stage. Everyone seemed to love it.

"I'm Team Jacob, personally," Anoop said. Matt had to laugh.

They voted by applause and Kris and Katy one by an overwhelming majority. They took their bows on stage and trotted off with a trophy to share between them.

"I'm gonna get you," Katy said, poking Matt in the arm as they passed them to go sit in the middle of the row.

"Okay," Lil said, voice still booming even though she wasn't using the microphone anymore. "It's time for the next greatest Gates' tradition... the Halloween Scavenger Hunt! I've got my people handing out the list now. The first person to retrieve these items from all the creepiest places on campus wins. Remember, it's every man for themselves but you're welcome to work in teams if you're willing to share the prize!"

"You never know what the prize is," Kris said, turning to Anoop. "Last year it was a thousand dollars. But the year before that it was a pair of rattling teeth."

"That's the year Kris won," Matt said. Kris still looked sad about that.

"There's haunted places here," Katy said, leaning over Kris to talk to Anoop. "You better be careful. I'm serious, there's ghosts. Like in the music building."

"You hear flutes playing," Kris said. "There's nobody playing."

"It was a CD," Matt said.

"It was ghosts!" Kris and Katy said at the same time. Then they started laughing. Matt laughed, too. He was secretly scared that it was really ghosts.

"Do you want to work together?" Anoop whispered, leaning into him. Matt froze because that wasn't part of his plan.

"It's usually..." Matt said, trying to quickly think of an excuse. "Faster if you do it alone. Especially for you, Noop. I'd just slow you down."

Anoop had a funny look on his face that Matt couldn't read. He bit his lip. Anoop just shrugged. "Okay," he said. "I'll see you back here then."

Matt passed the scavenger hunt lists down the row. About five minutes later Lil declared that it was game on. Almost everyone jumped up from their seats and started running to find all the items. Matt sat there and watched Anoop get up.

"I'm going to be so lost," Anoop said.

"No," Matt said, shaking his head.

He wasn't going to be lost anymore.

It was a cool night. Matt was glad he wore long sleeves. Even with everyone running around campus there weren't too many people around. Most people could search through buildings for a good amount of time. Matt felt alone with the grass and the trees. He liked how it was dark. He felt that he could think better when it was dark. He circled the auditorium slowly thinking about Anoop's chest and his dark eyes and his eyelashes. Every time he saw Anoop he found something new to admire. His eyelashes. He wondered what it would be like to kiss him there. He hoped that it wouldn't be long until he found out.

"What are you doing, slowpoke?" Allison asked, running by with David at her heels. "We're almost done, yo! You better hurry up!"

Matt did walk after them, not sure where he was going. Then he saw Anoop, alone, entering the music building.

Matt walked faster and then stopped when he remembered the music. It was just a CD, it wasn't haunted. He had something important to do.

He took a deep breath. Then he entered the building.

It was dark. Matt couldn't tell if anyone was there. But he knew the music building like the back of his hand. He spent at least four hours a day there, every day. Plus he could hear Anoop and he could smell him. Anoop smelled nice. Today he smelled like his deodorant and a hint of shaving cream. Matt took a deep breath. He could hear Anoop's footsteps heading toward the elevator. He followed him, creeping against the wall.

When the elevator opened the hallway burst with light from inside the elevator. Anoop stepped inside. Matt slipped his mask on and pushed the 'up' button right before the doors closed. They opened again and Matt jumped in front of the doors and screamed, "Boo!"

He wasn't sure what his plan was, then, because he didn't want to scare him. Anoop didn't look scared but he flattened himself against the wall.

"Anoop," Matt whispered. The doors slid shut behind him. Anoop was staring at him, staring at the creepy mask.

"Anoop," Matt said, more in his normal voice. He pushed his mask up, dropped it on the ground. Anoop wasn't moving, he was just staring.

"It's me, Noop," Matt said, stepping closer. He put his hands on the wall, pinned Anoop there. Anoop didn't say anything.

"It's me, Noop," Matt said, again. "It's me. It's me."

"I know," Anoop said.

Then his mouth was right there or Matt's mouth was right there and they were kissing up against the elevator wall, Matt pressing his body into Anoop's, kissing him harder and harder and harder until Anoop moved a way a little and then they were kissing gently and softly and Anoop rested his forehead against so they could both take a much needed breath.

"What were you looking for in here?" Matt asked.

"I was looking for you," Anoop said. They started kissing again and it was better than anything Matt had imagined before. He just didn't want to stop. Anoop's tongue was there and his lips and his hands. Matt pushed the sides of Anoop's shirt up, rubbing his sides and squeezing him lightly there. He wanted to taste everyone inch of his skin. Anoop moaned in his mouth and Matt was excited. He pressed himself up against Anoop once again so Anoop could feel how hard he was. Anoop smiled against his lips, running both hands through Matt's hair.

"I thought you would never..." Anoop said, lips against Matt's lips.

"Me too," Matt said. He pulled Anoop's shirt off. He remember what Adam said about not getting caught but Matt didn't think he could stop even if God himself were right there commanding him to do just that.

"Mmm, Anoop," Matt murmured. He kissed his jawline, down to his neck. He tasted so good. Matt craved more. He kissed Anoop's shoulders and his collarbone. Anoop sighed, low and relaxed.

"I knew it was you in that scary mask," Anoop said while Matt busily kissed him all over his chest. "I saw you scaring Allison and Megan."

"It was worth a try," Matt said. He went back to Anoop's mouth and gave him quick, little kisses until Anoop grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him closer so their tongues could get tangled again.

"Wait," Matt said, pulling away. "Where is this elevator going?"

Matt turned and saw the elevator doors opening and closing on the top floor. Then the alarm started, a high pitched whine. Matt stared until Anoop pushed the emergency stop button. The doors closed again and all the noise stopped.

"Where were we?" Anoop asked with a smile. Matt kissed him again. His lips were already starting to feel swollen but it was a good kind of pain. His cock was also aching and Anoop seemed to realize this as he reached for Matt's belt. Anoop's scrubs left little to the imagination. Matt was glad to see that Anoop was as hard as he was.

"Noop," Matt said. He kept his hands on Anoop's face. He wanted to memorized everything about Anoop, from the knowing look in his eyes, to the gentle pressure of his lips, to his nose hairs. He hadn't really noticed any nose hairs before but there were a couple there. Matt liked him even more. He kissed the tip of Anoop's nose.

"Noop," Matt said, again. "I just... I want you to know... I'm serious about this. I... I want us to have something. Together."

"Matt," Anoop said, just as seriously. "Are you willing to do that, here?"

Matt swallowed, but he wasn't afraid. "I have to," he said. "I don't want to pretend anymore."

Anoop nodded. "But we'll still..."

Matt nodded. "I mean we can't be completely honest but..."

Anoop kissed him again. Matt was grateful because he really didn't want to talk. They kissed for a little while longer before Anoop spoke again.

"Okay," Anoop said. "I can't stop thinking about you."

Matt just nodded because he knew Anoop already knew that he felt the same way.

"We can't get caught," Matt said. Then he pulled Anoop's pants down.

It was a little strange being on the other side but something that Matt definitely wanted. He ran a finger down the length of Anoop's cock through his boxer shorts. Anoop seemed to twitch a little.

"This okay?" Matt asked.

"Hell yes," Anoop said. Matt eased his boxers off so he could see fully see Anoop's cock. He touched him lightly, running his fingers up and down, gliding his fingers across Anoop's cock like he was touching the keys of a brand new piano.

"Gorgeous," Matt breathed. Anoop laughed a little.

Matt gripped the base of Anoop's cock and stroked him harder. Anoop groaned, leaning his head back against the wall.

"Oh man," Anoop said.

"Hang in there, Noop," Matt said. "I'm going to make you feel _real_ good."

He got on his knees because there was really no other way to do it. Anoop's hand was in his hair. Matt liked that, like the way that Anoop pulled his hair gently. He tried to remember what Adam did. He breathed on Anoop's cock and reached around to squeeze Anoop's ass. There was just so much to explore. There was no way they could do it all that night.

"This is good," Anoop said. "This is good."

Matt kissed Anoop's cock, lightly. Anoop sighed so Matt did it again. Then he licked Anoop's cock lightly and he felt a little more bold.

"That okay?" Matt asked, looking up at Anoop. He had his eyes closed and his mouth half-open. He didn't say anything but Matt took it for a yes.

Matt touched his tongue to the tip of Anoop's cock. Then he tried to take Anoop fully in his mouth but it didn't quite work. Matt felt like he was choking. He pulled away and tried not to cough too obviously. He grabbed Anoop's cock again, stroking him as he alternating licking and sucking him, but not too much at a time. Anoop didn't seem to care how he was doing it. He was breathing faster, his eyes still closed. Matt decided to try to really suck Anoop off again, like Adam had done to him. He opened his mouth wider, taking Anoop deeper, really breathing and concentrating on it. Then Anoop's whole body shuddered violently and all of a sudden he was coming in Matt's mouth. Matt coughed and gagged and tried not to choke again but he was unprepared and he ended up spitting most of it out all over Anoop's cock.

Matt sat back on his butt and coughed some more, wiping his mouth. He felt like he had semen in his nose.

"Sorry, Noop," he croaked.

"Sorry, no, sorry, Matt," Anoop said. "I should have warned you. It took me by surprise."

Matt swallowed hard and wished he had a tissue. He wiped his nose and looked up at Anoop, half-blushing. He was grateful when they both started cracking up.

"That was good," Anoop said, pulling Matt to his feet. "A little messy, but good."

"A lot messy," Matt said. Anoop used his underwear to wipe off his cock and threw it wadded up in the corner. Matt wiped his mouth on his shirt.

"What about you?" Anoop said. He had his hands down Matt's pants when the intercom in the elevator crackled to life.

"Hello, this is security," a man said. "Do you have an emergency?"

"No," Anoop said and Matt was glad he spoke because he wasn't sure he could speak while Anoop was quickly jerking him off. "We just hit the wrong button."

"Okay," the security guard said. "Have a good night."

"I'm--" Matt said, just as the intercom clicked off and then he groaned loudly as he came all over Anoop's hands.

"We'll work on this," Anoop said, kissing Matt quickly. Matt was surprised about that but he didn't mind it. "Next time we'll be somewhere better. Maybe not an elevator."

"I like this elevator," Matt said. "It's cozy." He grinned but he wanted to be somewhere different next time to. Maybe one of their rooms so they could have a bed. Then they could lay together afterward in each others arms. Matt smiled, imagining how that might be.

The doors opened when they got to the first floor and they were fully dressed in their now wrinkled clothes, Anoop's underwear still abandoned. Anoop kissed his ear as they stepped off. They could hear people running around outside. The scavenger hunt was still alive and well. Matt wanted to take Anoop's hand but he restrained himself. Anoop smiled at Matt like he felt the same way.

"You hear that?" Anoop asked. He glanced up at the ceiling. Matt stood beside Anoop. He tried to empty his mind. He stood perfectly still. Then he could hear it, the music, light, tinkly, jaunty, happy music, airy and pretty and sweet. It was different from the flute music. After a moment, Matt realized what it really was.

"A piano," he said, looking at Anoop.

"Ghosts?" Anoop asked.

Matt didn't know what it was, exactly, but he knew that the music definitely had to do with Anoop. It had to do with him.

Maybe it wasn't a ghost after all. Maybe it was God.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He glanced over at the clock on Kris' nightstand. Time moved slowly in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. He didn't want to go to sleep. That would mean the night was over. Matt grabbed his iPhone from his charger and texted Anoop._

Matt felt like he should be worried it would be awkward but he wasn't worried and it wasn't awkward. Anoop did go back to the elevator to grab his boxer shorts and he threw it in the trash after they hid it in Matt's plastic bag.

"Probably not the best idea to go around without underwear in scrubs," Anoop said, walking beside him in the night air. They headed back to the student center. The scavenger hunt was just about over.

"I'll try not to get you too excited," Matt joked. He nudged Anoop with his elbow and Anoop grinned at him. Matt couldn't help grinning back.

"You could try," Anoop said, raising his eyebrows a little. "If you really wanted to."

Matt wanted to kiss him right there. Damn, this was going to be harder than he thought. Instead he rested his hand on the back of Anoop's neck. It was nearly impossible not to touch him.

"Hey!" Megan said, behind them all of a sudden. She wedged her way in-between them, taking both their arms. "What's going on you two? I couldn't find anything on that damn list. Wait..." She looked at each of them in turn. "Why are you so happy? What's going on? Did I miss some drugs or something?"

Matt wanted to share a look with Anoop but he knew if he did it would be too obvious. In fact, it almost was too obvious just standing there, the tension palpable, something brewing between them. If they stood there for a moment longer he was sure Megan would find out.

"No," Matt said. He had his mask in his other hand and he slipped it on. "But I'm going to eat you!"

"Stop it, Matt!" Megan pushed her away and he came closer, grabbing her arms. "Stop! I told you not to wear that mask around me. Stop it! Matt!"

Matt laughed as she managed to break away and went running across the grass. He chased her over to the auditorium and tried to grab her again but Megan ended up grabbing him and they both ended up on the ground. Megan pinned him, holding his arms over his head.

"I told you not to scare me anymore," she said. She started tickling his sides and Matt thought he was going to suffocate inside his mask from laughing so hard. He was choking when Megan stopped and Matt heard a familiar voice.

"I think you'd better break this up," Dean Dwyer said in an icy voice. Matt jumped up immediately after Megan got off of him and took off his mask.

"I want to see you in my office tomorrow morning at eight," Dean Dwyer said. "Miss Joy."

Megan rolled her eyes after he left. "Damn," she said. "I told you not to scare me." She punched Matt in the arm.

"Sorry," Matt said. They joined everyone heading inside. David and Allison ended up winning the scavenger hunt contest. Everyone clapped as they were presented with the prize, a 50 dollar gift certificate to the Melting Pot in Little Rock. Matt smiled because that could be a romantic little date if they could ever get off campus. Allison kissed David in front of everyone and Dean Dwyer declared the night over as everyone was hooting and hollering.

Matt walked back to the dorm with Kris, his mind buzzing. He couldn't calm down, even as they got ready for bed once the dorm was in lock down after curfew. Kris crawled under the covers and Matt turned out the lights. He was going to miss their usual routine after graduation. But he was looking forward to making new ones.

"Hey," Matt said, as he got into bed. "Wasn't tonight fun? It was really fun. Right, Kris?"

"Yeah," Kris said. He sounded sleepy.

"Our last Halloween here," Matt said. "I'm going to remember it forever. It was really special." He paused, waiting for Kris to ask him why it was really special. Maybe he'd actually tell him. He was in that kind of a mood. But Kris didn't say anything and then Matt noticed his heavy breathing. The mumbling followed. Katy was really going to have to get used to Kris talking nonsense in his sleep. Maybe she would press her ear against his chest, snuggling in close, so that would block it out.

Matt couldn't sleep. He stared at the ceiling, feeling Anoop's hands down his pants, remembering the taste of Anoop's cock. He'd definitely have to work on that whole blow job thing but he was excited about it. He wondered when they would get a chance to be alone together again.

He glanced over at the clock on Kris' nightstand. Time moved slowly in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep. He didn't want to go to sleep. That would mean the night was over. Matt grabbed his iPhone from his charger and texted Anoop.

_You awake or did I wake you up?_

Anoop answered a couple of minutes later.

_kind of awake. hi. _

Matt bit his lip. He glanced over at Kris to see if the light was bothering him but he was still fast asleep. Matt didn't know how people lived before texting.

_What are you doing? I can't sleep._

Anoop responded almost immediately. _laying here. Danny snores. Thinking about you._

Matt grinned. He felt like an idiot but he couldn't help it. _I'm thinking about you too. I wish I could see you._

He held the phone against his chest, waiting for the vibration. Then Anoop's question: _can we?_

Matt paused. He really had to think about how far he was willing to go. He didn't have to think hard. The answer was obvious. He had already gone too far.

_Meet me on the roof._

Matt eased out of bed after he sent that and put on a sweatshirt and jeans. It was chilly now when it got really late at night. Matt couldn't believe it was November.

He couldn't believe he was with Anoop.

The hallways were dark and quiet. Matt didn't actually know if it was against the rules to walk around the building after curfew. He'd never really tried it before. Usually he and Kris just hung out in their room and then went to bed. He figured it was definitely against the rules to sneak up to the roof hoping to grab a little action before sunrise. Matt smiled to himself as he walked up the stairs. Roof access was on the eight floor. Matt brought along a blanket and he wrapped it around Anoop as soon as he saw him up there and hugged Anoop from behind.

"Look at the stars," Anoop said. It was a very clear night and the sky already seemed lighter even though it was just two in the morning.

"Lots of stars," Matt said. He hoped he didn't sound too stupid. It didn't matter because Anoop turned around and kissed him.

He smiled at Anoop when they finally pulled apart. Anoop had his hands on Matt's face.

"Good morning," he said.

"You brushed your teeth," Matt said. He could taste the tangy mint of the toothpaste and smell it on Anoop's breath.

"Yeah," Anoop said. He kissed Matt again, softly. Matt willed himself not to get too hard. He didn't want to start something that they probably shouldn't finish, at least not right now.

"Next time give me a heads up, Noop," Matt said. "I'm not used to this."

"Yeah, this is pretty new to me, too," Anoop said. He rubbed his nose against Matt's and Matt couldn't help giggling.

"Wow," Matt said. They kissed a few more times before Matt was finally able to pull away and take a deep breath.

"We can't go too crazy," Matt warned. "I don't know who comes up here. The RA might do checks or something."

"Hard to control myself around you," Anoop said. "I've been doing it too long. I don't want to do it anymore."

Matt definitely knew what he meant. He spread his blanket out and sat down. Anoop sat next to him and they spent a few moments looking at the sky. The ground was concrete beneath them but the blanket was pretty soft. Matt was glad he saved it.

"It's the day of the dead," Anoop said.

"We talked about that in my world religion class," Matt said. "It sounded interesting. It sounded kind of scary!"

"Nah," Anoop said. "It's about celebrating your ancestors. You shouldn't be scared of that."

"I want to know about you, Noop," Matt said. "Tell me about your religion. What's your favorite holiday? Have you missed any, being here?"

Anoop looked at him, thoughtfully. Then he laid down on his back. Matt joined him, fitting himself into the space beside Anoop, resting his head on Anoop's chest. He liked being so close to him. He felt like he fit there.

"Sometimes I wish I believed as strongly as you do," Anoop said, quietly. "I admire your faith. It's one of the reasons that I... you know, I've always liked you."

"You didn't always like me," Matt said, smiling up at him. "You didn't even _know_ me until August."

"Feels that way," Anoop said.

"Really?" Matt said, not quite as jokingly.

"When I first saw you," Anoop said, staring at him. They were so close and Matt loved it. "I definitely thought about this."

Matt was glad it was dark because he was pretty sure he was blushing. Anoop kissed his face.

"It's so weird, Noop," Matt whispered. "It's so weird but... wow." He laughed and wished he was eloquent. Anoop just pressed a kiss to his temple once again like he understood.

"It's November," Matt said, the realization hitting him all over again. "Then December and we're going home for a month."

"We don't have a lot of time," Anoop said. They starting kissing again and Matt told himself that next time he would brush his teeth. Anoop put his arms around him and Matt closed his eyes, resting his head against Anoop's chest once again. When he opened his eyes Anoop was shaking him. The sky was definitely getting lighter.

"We fell asleep," Anoop said. He got to his feet and pulled Matt up. It was five in the morning. At least it was Saturday so Matt could sleep in when he got back to his bed.

"We should be more careful," Matt said. Anoop helped him fold up his blanket. "I really don't know who comes up here. Or if anyone does."

"Hey," Anoop said. "Maybe we'll find someone sneaking up here one night, like us."

He smiled and Matt smiled back at him after a moment. It never really occurred to him that there might be some other guy at Gates feeling exactly like he had; pining after some guy he could never have, wondering why God made him that way.

"We're going to do this again?" Matt asked, even though he already knew the answer. There ways almost no way he could do without it. Maybe not every night but he knew that he was going to need this time with Anoop any way he could get it.

"Too bad you don't have the newest iPhone," Anoop said. "Then we could video chat."

"As long as you keep that phone down your pants," Matt said. They both laughed as Matt opened the door back to the stairs. They didn't say much more during the walk down to the fifth floor. Then Matt lingered in front of the door. Anoop kissed him after a moment.

"Goodnight, Matt," Anoop said.

"Night, Noop," Matt said.

He pushed his way backwards through the door so he didn't have to stop looking at Anoop for one second longer than he absolutely had to. When he got back to his room Kris was curled up against the wall, not even mumbling, just fast asleep. Matt climbed into bed and he was sure he'd never sleep again, his mind so full of Anoop, but then there was sunlight streaming through the windows and the clock said 10am and Matt was still happy, which was the best part of all.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Kris didn't look convinced but he gave her a smile anyway. Katy rested her head against his arm. Matt knew that's how they'd be for the rest of their lives—-warm and supportive and happy with each other. They deserved it. They really did._
> 
> Matt deserved it too.

Matt didn't feel guilty, not exactly, but the next day he went to chapel to pray.

People thought Matt was loud and he liked to talk a lot—and he did—but sometimes he wanted to be alone with his thoughts and try to figure out what God was trying to tell him.

It was late morning so nobody was there. It had rained a little after Matt work up, a fast, refreshing fall rain, so everything smelled damp and renewed. Even though the front doors were open the chapel air was still humid and stuffy but Matt didn't mind. He had a pew up front that he liked where he had accidentally scratched the wood with his pen and left a nick there that he worried about for days. But nothing bad happened and after that he began to think of that particular pew as his special place when he needed to pray.

Pastor Ryan wasn't around and Matt was glad. He didn't need any questions. He could still feel Anoop's hands on his body. He could smell Anoop's skin. Matt rubbed his arms, pretending his hands were Anoop's for just one moment but he was in church so he didn't go any further than that.

Sometimes Matt sat and sometimes he knelt on the carpet and faced the seat of the pew. That morning he sat down and rested his forehead on the back of the pew in front of him. He clasped his hands together in-between his knees.

"Father," Matt whispered in that low voice that only he and God could hear. "I fought it for so long. What happens if I just give in?"

God didn't answer him, not right away, but Matt was patient when it came to these things so he waited. He thought about his life and everything he had done right and everything he had done wrong. He couldn't remember everything but he tried. No matter what he was always working towards heaven but he couldn't quite believe that his happiness during this life wasn't important, too.

"I know there's so many reason why I shouldn't do this," Matt said, eyes still closed, still praying. "So why does it feel so _right_?"

He thought he heard the leaves rustling in the wind. He could definitely feel the breeze coming through and it felt good. Maybe that was a sign and maybe it wasn't. Besides, Matt was sick of trying to interpret signs. He wanted something _real_.

There wasn't just one way to pray.

They left the instruments up front around the pulpit even though they didn't have music every Sunday. Promises had played last Sunday and they sounded good, like usual, but they were missing that passion that Matt knew they had when he was there. He felt bad about taking that away but it was something the rest of them had to learn. Matt had hope for David, especially since he was going out with Allison now but he wondered if Danny was just a lost cause. Scott was too technical and Tim was too chill for his passion to really shine through the way Matt wanted it to.

Matt missed being up in front of the crowd at chapel, even if he used to be behind the drums. This time he sat at the piano and he touched the keys. He loved that he could strike the same note a thousand times and it would sound the same yet it always was a little different. Matt thought it was the vibrations moving through his fingers, his feelings, his energy and his relationship with God, all of those things created those small changes that made even the most routine worship song new and exciting every time it was played.

Matt was alone and he felt like singing. He belted out the first gospel song that came to mind and it was loud and he wasn't even sure he was playing the right piano part but it didn't really matter. He needed God to know that he was still the same inside.

He felt good when he was done, lighter, like he got rid of a weight that he wasn't fully aware of. He ran his hand over the keys, listening to the happy notes. Then Anoop was in the doorway and Matt didn't even seem surprised. It was like God had sent him down for him.

"Noop!" Matt called from the front of the room. Anoop walked over with his hands in his pockets.

"Am I allowed up here?" Anoop asked.

"Yeah," Matt said. "It's not as formal as other places. You can come up. You're not going to corrupt anything."

Anoop stepped up into the stage area and joined Matt at the piano.

"I heard you playing," Anoop said.

"I'm praying," Matt said.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," Anoop said. He moved like he was going to get up but Matt pressed his hand down on Anoop's knee.

"No," Matt said. "I want you to stay."

"How do you pray?" Anoop asked. It was a question that no one had asked him before.

"What do you mean?" Matt asked. He stared into Anoop's brown eyes.

"I never learned," Anoop said. "In this kind of church. I'm never quite sure what to do with my hands."

"Whatever feels right," Matt said. Suddenly, he was the expert in something. It certainly felt different. "It doesn't really matter what you do with your hands or how you sit or if you close your eyes or don't close your eyes. All that really matters is what you pray about, however you talk to God."

Anoop smiled at him, kind and open. Matt wanted to kiss him. Instead he took Anoop's hands in his and squeezed them gently.

"Your hands..." Matt said. He didn't know how to finish his sentence because there were so many possibilities. He couldn't help it. He kissed Anoop's knuckles and then pulled Anoop's hands apart and laced his fingers in-between Anoop's.

"I can pray this way," Anoop said.

"Yes," Matt said. "It's nice to pray with another person, sometimes."

"I'll pray with you," Anoop said. Matt did want to pray with Anoop. But he wanted to kiss him more. So he did that, a small kiss, lightly on the lips and he smiled when Anoop turned into him, deepening the kiss. He knew it was wrong, especially right there where they preached the word of God every Sunday but he didn't stop. He just kissed him harder and he didn't let go of Anoop's hands until Anoop pulled away.

"Any time," Anoop said, kissing Matt right below his ear. "We can pray together."

"I'd like that," Matt said. They kissed again and then a noise in the hallway made them break apart. Matt's heart started pounding in his chest. It was never right. They were never alone.

"I'm going to go," Anoop said, getting off the bench. Matt took a deep breath. It wasn't going to work out, not really. Matt had been living in a fantasy world. They couldn't risk it. Anoop wasn't willing to really go that far and Matt knew he shouldn't be either.

"Alright," Matt said. "See you later, Noop."

He turned back to the piano and tapped on the low notes. Then he felt Anoop's hand on his shoulder. When he turned around Anoop kissed him, not on the lips, but on his forehead, near his hair and Matt knew that this was something that was not going to go away.

And he didn't want it to.

* 

Matt was ridiculously happy but he didn't care. He woke up with a smile on his face and went to bed just the same way especially if he spent a while texting with Anoop or talking to him before bed. They discovered that no one really used the lounge area after curfew so they spent time in there, sitting close on the couch. Sometimes, if Matt was feeling bold enough, they kissed but not for long so it was never enough. They went up to the roof a few times but the nights were chilly and even with blankets and sweatshirts it wasn't comfortable enough to keep going the way that Matt wanted to. He didn't know what to do about that.

The first week of November marked the beginning of the last six weeks or classes and then finals week before everyone left for their month long winter break. Matt struggled to keep up as his classes ramped up even though he was very distracted. Any private time he could get with Anoop was worth the effort or the lower grade but even with that level of commitment his alone time with Anoop was few and far between.

"I wanna know what's up with you," Megan said, walking beside him as they headed to the dining hall for dinner. "I haven't seen that look on your face since they decided to buy that piano you wanted for the music program freshman year."

Matt wrinkled his nose, trying not to blush. Then he looked over at Megan and shrugged. "What?" he said. Megan stared back at him and shook her head.

"Of course, we're not freshman anymore so I doubt a piano is getting you off that hard. Don't tell me you let Katie Stevens in your pants. It's just not worth it."

Katie passed them then, as if summoned, with her backpack slung on one shoulder as she crossed the main courtyard, probably heading back to her dorm. She grinned at Matt and waved. Matt waved back, just to be polite.

"Okay, not her," Megan said. She threw her hands in the air. "I'm fresh out of ideas then. I don't know what other girls you could be sneaking around with."

Matt wanted to tell her, he really did, and he wasn't worried that she would judge him—-not like the others-—but on the other hand there was too much to risk, even with Megan. Anoop had to be his secret.

"I'm not allowed to be happy?" Matt said. "Can't a guy just be happy? It's senior year! It's almost Christmas time. I'm getting a B-plus in vocal jazz."

"Of course you are," Megan said. "Your voice is amazing. I don't know why you don't sing more. Well, I'm glad one of us is having a good time. Dwyer is totally up my ass all the time. You know, sometimes I wish the two of us really were having sex. Then he'd actually have something to bitch about."

Megan shoved the dining hall door open just as Danny walked up to them.

"What did you say?" Danny asked, following them inside.

"Oh, haven't you heard?" Megan said, walking straight for the trays. "Matt and I are fucking."

Danny turned to Matt as his eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Matt shrugged and grabbed his own tray. It wasn't the worst rumor in the world.

"Matt, what happened to your _commitment_?" Danny hissed from behind him as Matt decided on some mashed potatoes.

Matt had never been a good liar but he managed not to say anything. Danny groaned, following Matt without a tray of his own.

"This was what I was talking about," Danny said in a low voice. "Matt, like, I love you, man, you know I do, but I can't just sit by and watch you destroy yourself. You're better than that. You need to remember that a few minutes of earthly pleasure is not worth the years you've spent working towards your eternal salvation!"

Matt tried not to roll his eyes. Megan would probably just tell him to fuck off but Matt wasn't Megan and Danny was still his friend. He knew that he was only trying to help.

"You're right, Danny," Matt said, turning to him at the end of the line, waiting for the people in front of him to swipe their cards at the pay station. "I think about that. I'm always thinking about that."

It was true. Matt had never been more unsure about his soul's future. Then Anoop walked into the dining hall and Matt felt that hell just might be worth it.

Kris and Katy followed him, holding hands. Katy waved, Kris smiled at him and Anoop just gave him this knowing look that made him feel shivery all the way to his toes.

"Do you want to eat with me and Scott?" Danny asked but his tone implied that Matt didn't have much of a choice. Matt couldn't help feeling annoyed.

"No, Danny," Matt said. He went where Megan was sitting. Megan rolled her eyes as soon as he set his tray down.

"Danny has never been more insufferable," she said. "He makes me wanna rip my own hair out."

"He's just trying to help," Matt said but even he wasn't sure why he was feeling so generous. Instead he focused on Anoop as he got his food. Anoop was wearing another one of his many UNC hoodies but he never looked bulky in them. His large hands held his tray firmly. He hadn't shaved in a little while so there was some hair on his face. Matt wanted to rub his cheek against Anoop's scruff. He wanted to know every part of him.

"He could help by jumping off a cliff," Megan said, pulling Matt out of his Anoop-related fantasies. Matt looked over when Allison dropped her tray beside him.

"What's up, players?" she said, sitting down on one side of Matt. David sat on his other side. Matt looked at both of them, wondering where they came from.

"Someone's gotta give us a ride," Allison said. "Have you see the menu at the Melting Pot? It's insane! They give you stuff to dip in chocolate! Even cheesecake. And there's all sorts of chocolate too. I'm going to try them all!"

"My mom said that we should have dinner before dessert," David said. Allison gaped at him from across Matt's plate.

"Your mom's not coming with us!"

"We'll see what we can do," Megan said. It was nice to see her smile. Matt didn't really mind David and Allison taking up the space beside him, even when Anoop, Kris and Katy made their way to the table. Anoop sat across from him, beside Megan, and managed to look pretty normal. Sometimes Matt wasn't sure if Anoop felt the same way he did, like he was bursting inside every time they were near each other. He wondered if this was normal but he also didn't know any way to stop it.

"Hey guys," Anoop said. His smile was meant for everyone. Before Matt could feel too disappointed he felt Anoop nudge his leg under the table. He took a big bite of his chicken, not trusting himself to meet Anoop's eyes.

"I was thinking," Katy said, as she and Kris settled on Megan's other side at the table. "We should go to the city and go Christmas shopping next weekend. I don't think anyone has any major exams. What do you guys think?"

"You can drop us off at the Melting Pot, yo!" Allison said. "50 dollars is a lot of chocolate!"

"Yes, we will enable your choco-coma," Kris said. They way he smiled at Allison reminded Matt of those strong feelings he had for so many years and he still sort of felt that way. He drank his lemonade and wondered by his life was so confusing.

"Hell yeah," Allison said. "David, we don't need any food. Chocolate is food!"

David blushed in a way that showed that he was absolutely enamored by her. Matt couldn't help being jealous of them.

"Granted, there isn't a whole lot of shopping in downtown Little Rock," Katy said, looking at Anoop. "But it's fun just to walk around. You can see the leaves changing by the waterfront. If you really want, we can also go to the mall."

Anoop shook his head. "Downtown sounds nice."

"Great," Kris said. "I need a break from business Calc. It's still not going that well."

Katy rubbed his arm. "You're doing fine, Kris."

Kris didn't look convinced but he gave her a smile anyway. Katy rested her head against his arm. Matt knew that's how they'd be for the rest of their lives—-warm and supportive and happy with each other. They deserved it. They really did.

Matt deserved it too.

"Okay, next Saturday at noon, how about that?" Katy said. "That gives us a day in the city. I'll get the van."

"Anything that gets me off this campus," Megan said. "It's beginning to feel so _stifling_!" She stood up with her tray. "I need to cool off. See you guys later."

Matt watched her go. He felt bad but he wasn't sure how to get Dean Dwyer off of her back.

"Want my cake?" Anoop asked, sliding his plate over. He'd already taken a bite. Matt didn't need any dessert but he ate the cake slowly.

"Matt and I reserved one of the study rooms at the library tonight," Anoop said, looking at Kris. "Do you want to come? Maybe I can help you with business Calc."

"Really?" Kris said. "Yeah, sure, that'd be great."

Matt couldn't help being a little annoyed that Anoop was inviting someone else on their little study date but it was not like they could do much in the library anyway besides actually study. He swallowed the last of the cake and licked the fork, pretending that Anoop had licked it too.

"I know I can't help you," Matt said. "But I can be very distracting."

"Thanks, Matt," Kris deadpanned. "That's really going to help."

They both laughed as everyone finished up. Matt walked back to the dorm with Kris after Anoop said he had to go to the computer lab to print off some articles.

"That Anoop is a really good guy," Kris said, once they got back to their room. "I'm glad that he came to this school."

"Me too," Matt said. He sat on his bed, too restless to get his papers together. They weren't going to the library for another hour. "I can't help but think that God sent him to this school for a reason." Matt didn't think he'd said this out loud before and he hoped he didn't just give himself away. Kris only nodded thoughtfully as he sorted through his Calc papers.

"I agree," Kris said. "Anoop is good for us. I feel like I learn a lot from him. Just from the type of person he is. It's a good thing."

"Yeah," Matt said and he hugged his pillow because he didn't know what else to do with all these feelings. It was so hard keeping them all in check.

"There's more out there then just what we believe," Matt said, still hugging his pillow and looking at their clean carpet. He didn't know how it managed to stay so clean. "So much more than we can even understand. You know."

Kris nodded, seriously. "I totally believe that, Matt. That's what's so amazing about life. And about God."

Matt took a deep breath. He couldn't give up on the thought that God might be okay with the way he was feeling, that he might even _welcome_ it. Maybe if he prayed hard enough, that that time in chapel with Anoop, then he would suddenly know for sure.

"Hey," Kris said. He reached under his bed and held up their cards from their never-ending War game. "We haven't played in a while. How are we supposed to break the record if we don't play?"

"Bring it on, Kris," Matt said. He pushed his pajamas off his bed and gestured for Kris to sit across from him. Kris handed him his stack of cards.

"You promise you didn't mess with it?" Matt asked.

"Just took a couple off the top," Kris said. "So you won't look so pathetic. Gotta make this game last a little longer."

Matt grinned and grabbed his pillow so he could hit Kris but Kris held his arm up and kept him at bay. They started slapping cards on the bed for the next half hour and it was just like old times until Anoop knocked on the door.

"Hey, ready?" he asked when Kris opened the door. Matt gathered up the cards, snapping the rubberbands around their card piles and trying to control his racing heart.

"Good thing you came when you did," Kris said. "Matt was starting to get embarrassed."

"Ha ha," Matt said, turning around. "Noop, I'm making a comeback. Kris might have all the Aces now but that won't last."

"What are you talking about?" Anoop asked with an amused look on his face.

"Never ending game of War," Kris said. "Long story. Very boring."

"We've been playing the same game of War since junior year," Matt said. "And when we finish it we're going to submit it to the book of world records! It's not boring, Kris."

"And apparently not that long, either," Kris said with a wry smile.

"Let me know when this record is completed," Anoop said. "I'd like to say I knew them when."

"Well, you might be able to say you knew the guy that failed Business Calc twice and failed his major and failed life pretty soon," Kris said, grabbing his backpack. "It won't take long."

"I can help too," Matt said. "I can show you flashcards or something. As long as you put the answer on the back."

"I don't even know the answer to put on the back," Kris groaned. "I'll go push the button."

He headed out the room and then Matt turned to Anoop after he put on his backpack.

"I don't know if I can concentrate around you," Matt admitted in a low voice. Anoop slung his arm around his shoulders. Matt shuddered when Anoop kissed his ear.

"Me neither," Anoop whispered. Matt had to close his eyes for a moment. When he opened them Anoop was still there with his arms around his shoulders.

"Elevator's here," Kris called.

Anoop didn't let him go. Matt felt Anoop breathing beside him, easy and warm. They walked to the elevator just like that and Anoop kept his arm around him until Kris pushed the button to close the elevator doors.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Please come, Anoop," Kris said. "My mom would kill me if she found out you spent Thanksgiving alone. Don't put me in that kind of danger. I've been praying pretty hard but I'm not ready for heaven."_
> 
> Anoop laughed as they got to the library. "Okay. I value your life, Kris."

Anoop pulled up his hood as they got outside. It was a chilly night, the kind of night that made Matt want to take Anoop's hand and pull him close. He thought that would be nice. Thankfully, Kris walked between them down the main path to the library. There were lights everywhere along with the bright blue emergency phones. Matt didn't think they had ever been an emergency on Gates' campus. It was a calm, serene place, where nothing bad could ever happen.

Unless you broke the rules.

"How many libraries did you have at UNC?" Kris asked with his hands in his pockets. His biceps were tight against his t-shirt. Matt couldn't help noticing that along with the goosebumps running up and down his bare arms. Matt had a sweatshirt on.

"I'm not sure exactly," Anoop said. "More than 5. Less than 20."

"Wow, we only have one," Matt said. "And that's more than enough."

"Matt avoids the library at all costs," Kris said. "How'd you get him to agree to this?"

Matt held his breath, wondering what Anoop was going to say. Hopefully he wouldn't tell Kris that they made these arrangements while Anoop's hands were down Matt's pants and he was pretty much _up_ for anything.

"Just lucky, I guess," Anoop said. "When it comes to Matt."

"Hey!" Matt said, loudly, before Anoop could say anything else, something that would give them away. "I care about learning. I just perfer that there's a television involved. But the library seems to frown on that."

"Don't worry," Anoop said. Matt couldn't help smiling when Anoop looked at him. "I'll make sure you're sufficiently entertained."

Matt couldn't help feeling turned on when Anoop used those big words on him. That wasn't the only thing Anoop did with his mouth that turned Matt on. He sighed, wishing that he could turn these thoughts off but he also didn't really want to.

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving, Noop?" Matt asked. If they were holding hands Matt would have started swinging them. He imagined Anoop giving him a weird look but he wouldn't tell Matt to stop.

"Chilling around here," Anoop said. "It's too expensive to go home."

"I'm staying, too," Matt said and a million fantasies of being alone together for five whole days flashed through his mind even as he blurted out the next sentence. "You should come to Kris's house!"

"Matt, you can't just invite me to someone else's house," Anoop said.

"No, really," Kris said. "You should come. I didn't know you were planning on staying here."

"It's okay, Kris," Anoop said.

"Seriously. Come, Anoop. My mom makes enough food for 20 giants. It's scientifically proven."

"We googled it," Matt said.

"Last year she made 15 desserts," Kris said. "That's when I stopped counting the food."

"Everyone comes," Matt said. "Everyone who's around. It's really fun."

"You're not putting us out, really," Kris said. "Mom loves it. If she only had my dad and brother and I to feed then she'd be like, depressed. I don't think she likes us all that much without lots of other people."

"It's a big sleepover in the basement," Matt said. He couldn't help being excited about it. Even if it wasn't spending the night together he really enjoyed the Thanksgiving sleepover tradition and eating food until he was literally afraid of exploding.

"Please come, Anoop," Kris said. "My mom would kill me if she found out you spent Thanksgiving alone. Don't put me in that kind of danger. I've been praying pretty hard but I'm not ready for heaven."

Anoop laughed as they got to the library. "Okay. I value your life, Kris."

Kris grinned at him, holding the front door open. "Thank you."

Chris Sligh looked up from the front desk when they walked over to the get the study room key.

"Oh hey," Chris said. "I've been looking for you guys."

"Pretty sure you've just been in the library," Kris said. "Sitting there."

"Did you read my latest?"

Kris shook his head and Matt tried not to roll his eyes. Chris wrote this underground blog all about Gates that was supposed to be funny and sarcastic but Matt just thought it was mostly mean. The only blog entry Matt was interested in was an explanation why Chris didn't cut off all his corkscrew curly hair. His hair was massive.

"It's about you guys," Chris said. Matt's heart jumped into his throat. Chris was just the type. What if he _knew_ and he typed it up on his stupid website? He wasn't even aware he was holding his breath until Anoop laid his hand on Matt's shoulder, gently.

"What about?" Kris asked, not concerned at all.

"It's why your little band, The Way Down, will never work at Gates College."

"It's not exactly for Gates," Kris said. "But thanks for your input."

"You need a better sound," Chris said. "New guitar players. And that Allison girl? She needs a lot of work on that bass."

"He's full of opinions," Kris said, dryly.

"Are you full of keys?" Anoop asked. "I reserved Room 3."

"Listen guys," Chris said. "You need to read it. I'm available. Do you need the URL?"

"Just the key," Anoop said, holding out his Student ID. Chris grabbed it for him and set it on the counter between them.

"Anoop, man," Chris said. "If you want to have a serious conversation about your faith, I'm here for you. I did some time overseas in India so I'm familiar with what you're dealing with here. But we saved a lot of souls that trip. It's what I was meant to do with my life. But you know what they say. Charity starts at home."

Matt wanted to smack him. But Anoop only smiled.

"Sure," Anoop said. "I'd love to hear about India. I've only been there a handful of times. I'm from North Carolina, you know."

"Library closes in three hours," Chris called after them as they walked away.

"It's kind of nice," Anoop said as they got on the elevator. "People really seem to care. About saving me from hell, I guess."

"I've done missionary work," Kris said. "And I love it. But it's not all about saving savages. It's about helping people function. I don't think we should go in there and try to change their world just because we think our way is right. We have to listen to what they need and how we need to do that."

"I've learned a lot here," Anoop said. "Just talking to people. Learned a lot of Christianity and God. Learned a lot about myself."

"Me too," Matt said quickly. He and Anoop shared a smile over Kris' head. It was a good thing Kris was short.

The study room was large with a table and chairs in the middle. There was a white board on one wall and a place where you could plug in a computer and use the projector. Anoop sat next to Kris and they poured over Kris' business calc study guide.

Matt pretended to work on his essay for Senior Seminar in the New Testament but he was watching Anoop's fingers as he moved the pencil across the page, going over boring numbers. Kris had his lips pressed together in concentration, licking them occasionally, and Matt noticed this too. It was almost too much to take. Matt pressed his thighs together and took a deep breath. Anoop's mouth moved slowly as he explained something to Kris and Matt imagined that mouth against his mouth and Anoop's tongue all over his body. Matt groaned and dropped his forehead against the table.

"I think someone's down for the count," Kris said.

"The New Testament is so..." Matt said. The table probably wasn't very clean but he couldn't look up now. "New!"

"Somebody needs a break," Kris said. "Me too. There's a coffee shop on the ground floor. Want any?"

Anoop shook his head. Matt couldn't move. He looked up when Kris left the room.

"You're driving me crazy," Matt said.

"I told Kris I would get him this book," Anoop said. He got up and walked over to Matt to pull him to his feet. "Look for it with me."

Matt didn't know much about the library. He didn't even remember the study rooms being there. The library was so stifling, so quiet. Matt liked to study around people or he liked to practice for his various music finals in the music building. You couldn't even _eat_ in the library. But Anoop seemed to know where he was going.

They entered the empty staircase, walking up to the next floor, and Anoop took his hand. It wasn't finals week so not too many people were around and there was practically nobody on the fourth floor. Matt felt overwhelmed by the stacks of books surrounding them, all over the place. He didn't know how anyone could find anything in here, even if they had directions or a map or whatever people used to find a stupid book.

Anoop held his hand tightly, just like Matt had imagined earlier. He even started swinging their hands until he slammed the back of Anoop's knuckles into the side of one of the bookcases.

"Ow," Anoop said, pulling his hand away.

"I'm sorry, Noop, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to." Matt grabbed Anoop's hand, laughing. He covered the back of Anoop's hand in small kisses until Anoop shoved him against a bunch of big books.

"Not good enough," he said. Then he kissed Matt hard. Matt liked how the spines of the books were digging into his back and the way Anoop nipped his lower lip. They kissed until Matt was dizzy. Anoop pulled away.

"I can make it up to you," Matt said in a low voice. He didn't know where they were and he didn't care. Chris Sligh could come up there right then and make a YouTube video to put on his stupid blog. It didn't matter. He was too far gone.

"Here's how you make it up to me," Anoop said. He kissed Matt on the lips again and then kissed his ear all the way down to the base of his neck. "You let me do whatever I want."

Matt closed his eyes, trying not to be too loud. He didn't think he could walk but Anoop pulled him to another corner near a window. They were in the back of the stacks, hidden by so many books. Anoop pushed him against the wall and undid his pants. Matt took deep breaths, the pressure in his pants almost unbearable until Anoop finally shoved his underwear down.

"Oh my God," Matt mumbled as Anoop rubbed his crotch against Matt's cock, kissing his neck and running his hands over Matt's chest, through his sweatshirt. "Oh my God." He knew he shouldn't be saying that but it kept coming out of his mouth. Anoop squeezed Matt's ass and he thought he was going to go crazy.

"Anoop--" Matt choked out, his voice half-caught in his throat.

"Shhh," Anoop said. "I'm not finished yet."

Then Anoop was on the floor in front of him and Matt felt his warm, wet tongue on the underside of his cock. Sometimes he wondered how Anoop really knew how to do this. They didn't get to practice much. But then Anoop sucked him so hard that Matt would lose all capacity for thought.

Anoop kissed his thighs after he was done. He was a little embarrassed when Anoop licked his cock clean but he liked it too. He wrapped his arms around Anoop when he stood up again. They held each other for a little while but it wasn't enough. Matt kissed Anoop's cheek. Anoop ran his fingers through Matt's hair.

"We need some time," Matt said. "We need a place that's all our own."

Anoop nodded. He was hard against Matt's thigh. Matt reached for Anoop's belt but Anoop gently pushed him away.

"I'm okay," Anoop said. "I really have to get that book."

"I want a place where we can do this on a bed," Matt said. "The floor makes my knees hurt."

"Me too," Anoop said. He kissed Matt lightly. "We'll figure something out."

"I want it to be better for you," Matt said, before he lost his nerve. That's what he was really worried about. He just wasn't sure if he was pleasing Anoop as well as Anoop pleased him. He was taken right out of the moment once he remembered that they always had to hide whether they were in the library or the lounge or on the roof. He just wanted them to be able to relax for once. He wanted to take his time. He wanted to do _everything_ with Anoop, even those things he couldn't even imagine. Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It is good for me. It's always good for me. Anything you do is good for me, Matt. It's the greatest." Anoop stroked Matt's cheek lightly with a kind smile. Matt just wanted to hug and kiss him and never let him go. "Come on. The call number is HC2002.62."

"HC?" Matt repeated. He could barely move. He pulled up his pants slowly. By the time he was functioning again Anoop had found the book. They washed their hands in the bathroom and checked each other over quickly before they headed back to the study room.

Kris was back in his seat with a cup of coffee beside him and his business calc papers in front of him.

"Hey," Kris said, looking up at Anoop. "I think I got it!"

"I found that book," Anoop said. He sat next to Kris again and they were talking, like nothing had happened. It was easy to pretend. They could probably do it for the rest of their lives and it would all be okay.

But it made Matt so sad.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He turned around and Anoop was still looking like he had after he finished playing the trumpet—breathless and ready. Matt wanted to drag him into that closet where Anoop found the trumpet. Instead he played the song again, faster, more intensely. He really felt he had a handle on it now so he wanted to make the song feel like his own. When he finished Anoop was sitting beside him again. His heart was pounding and it wasn't just the music._

Matt hung out in the music building before Fellowship Friday playing around on his favorite piano. He was always attracted to flashy, shiny performance pianos but his actual favorite was a dark, worn piano with a dull wooden finish. It wasn't the prettiest piano to look at but it sounded amazing every time he struck a note. It seemed like the piano was just waiting for him to play it. They had a connection. Matt looked forward to his alone time with the piano every day, the same way he looked forward to alone time with Anoop.

When he looked up from his next song Anoop was there as if his thoughts had summoned him, or God had or something freaky like that. Matt smiled as Anoop sat next to him on the bench.

"How'd you know where to find me?" Matt asked.

Anoop ran his hand down Matt's thigh in greeting and squeezed his knee. "It's a small school," Anoop said. "Plus, you're kind of predictable."

"My mama always did say I had a simple mind," Matt said, tapping his temple. Anoop shook his head and kissed him there.

"You're complicated to me," Anoop said.

"Am I?" Matt asked, seriously. Anoop looked him in the eyes for what felt like a long time.

"Yes," Anoop said. Matt wondered what it would be like to just look at Anoop and not touch him. If they had time to talk without hurrying to take their pants off. Anoop cleared his throat.

"I thought we could try something," Anoop said. He dug into his back pocket. Matt half expected him to pull out a condom but he had a folded piece of paper.

"You said you wanted a place of our own," Anoop said, handing the paper over. Mat unfolded it slowly. It was a confirmation for a hotel reservation—the Holiday Inn in Little Rock on Saturday night.

Matt didn't say anything. He slowly folded the paper up again.

"Is that..." Anoop said, slowly. "Is that not what you wanted?"

Matt shrugged and tinkered with the piano keys. He thought that was what he wanted but now that it was right in front of him he just didn't know. He was nervous. It was one thing to fantasize about it and give quickie blow jobs and make out sessions in secret places whenever they could. It was another to go to a hotel room with all those expectations. What did Anoop really want? Was this just some sex thing like with Adam? He remembered Adam's hot breath on his soft dick in that really nice hotel room, the embarrassing way he couldn't get it up and how _empty_ it all felt.

That's not what he wanted at all.

He wanted somewhere that they could be cozy and close and share secrets and hold each other. Matt didn't know if you could really do that in a hotel room. But you couldn't really do it in a shared dorm room at the local Christian college either. Matt sighed.

He wanted it to really mean something.

"We don't have to," Anoop said. "It was presumptuous of me."

"No," Matt said, not sure how to explain himself at all. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No, Noop, that's not what I meant. Anoop, do you snore?"

"I don't know," Anoop said. "Danny hasn't said anything."

Matt looked at the reservation again. What would the people at the front desk say? Two guys, one bed, sharing it for just one night. Would it get back to campus? There were so many risks, so many things to worry about. But he'd taken a lot of risks already and he wanted to be closer to Anoop.

"I just..." Anoop said. He rubbed Matt's arm with the back of his hand. "I just want to relax with you. Does that make sense? I feel like we can't do that here."

"I know Kris talks in his sleep," Matt said. "But I don't think I make any noises. Kris is probably too loud to hear me, though."

"I'll tell you if you snore," Anoop said and this time his hand wasn't on Matt's leg. Anoop's hand covered Matt's hand on the piano and squeezed gently.

"We have to be back in time for chapel," Matt said. That was his main rule. He'd only missed chapel twice in his entire time at Gates. One time for sophomore year when he had a really bad case of the flu and he couldn't stand up even though he tried. The other time was when he left halfway through services because he was hungover. Matt still felt upset, thinking about it. He sort of hated himself for that.

"Of course," Anoop said. "Chapel is important to me too, Matt."

Matt smiled because he didn't know that. He knew it probably shouldn't but truthfully hearing Anoop say that chapel was important to him made Matt feel much better about everything.

"Okay," Matt said. "But how are we going to get on overnight pass to stay off campus?"

Anoop shook a finger at him with a sly smile. "I took care of that. I never told anyone but I have an uncle living in the area."

"You do?" Matt asked, opening his eyes wide.

"Yes, Dean Dwyer," Anoop said with a thick Indian accent. "I have not seen Anoop in so long. I'd love to have him over for dinner. Yes, and he's bringing his friend Matt Giraud too. I am so happy he's going to such a wonderful school. Have a good weekend!"

Matt stared at him and then they both started cracking up at the same time. He didn't think he'd have the guts to lie like that but he was glad Anoop did it.

"So we've got tomorrow night," Anoop said. "It's all set."

"Tomorrow night..." Matt said. He looped his arm through Anoop's and they just sat like that for a little while. Matt smiled when he felt Anoop's soft lips against his cheek.

"What are you playing?" Anoop asked. It was almost dinner time so people were still around. Matt knew that anyone could walk in at anytime. He was in the main instrument practice room where everyone came to prepare for their exams and finals. Still, Matt didn't move away.

"I'm working on something for my jazz class," Matt said. "You heard this one, Noop?"

Matt began playing with Anoop's arm still hooked through his. There was a tricky part near the end that he kept messing up. He just couldn't seem to get his fingers moving fast enough. Matt grimaced his way through that part and then ended the song with a sigh.

"I can't get that one part," Matt said.

"Where's your music?" Anoop asked.

Matt handed him the book from his backpack that was on the ground next to the piano bench. "I don't use it much," he said. "I'm not good at reading music."

"It takes practice," Anoop said. Matt watched him flip through the book. "It's this song, right? I've played it before."

"On what?" Matt asked. "I didn't know you played..." He trailed off as Anoop got up and wandered through the room. He went through one of the closet doors and came out with a case in his hand. When he sat it on the table and opened it Matt saw that it was a trumpet.

"I used to play," Anoop said. He took the trumpet out of the case and cleaned the mouthpiece. "In high school."

"Wow," Matt said. He actually was quite impressed. "You don't look like a trumpet player."

"What do trumpet players look like?" Anoop said.

"Short and fat?" Matt guessed.

Anoop laughed. "Sorry to ruin your stereotypes."

"Let's see whatcha got," Matt said. He didn't hang out with the brass players very much so he was curious about how this jazz piece sounded when it was played by the trumpet. Anoop blew into the instrument and did a couple of scales.

"How long as it been since you played?" Matt asked. His fingers were twitching being so close to the piano but he wanted to listen to Anoop.

"How long has it been since high school?" Anoop said, reflectively. "Three years?"

Matt raised his eyebrows but Anoop started playing like he'd never stopped. The jazz song sounded even better on the trumpet. Matt was surprised when Anoop breezed through it, nailing the part that was giving him trouble. When he finished his lips were puckered and moist and he was breathing hard, through his mouth. Matt found that incredibly sexy.

"How'd you do that?" Matt asked, gripping the edge of the piano bench so he wouldn't jump up and kiss him.

"Sometimes it's easier when you can read the notes," Anoop said. "You probably just haven't heard someone go through that part enough so you can pick it up. Want me to play it again?"

Matt nodded and this time when Anoop played the song he was poised and ready at the piano. He played the middle part as soon as Anoop was finished and he didn't fumble through it as much as he had before but it still wasn't perfect.

"You're missing this transition," Anoop said. He played it again on the trumpet and then pointed the notes out on the piano. Matt played a couple of times feeling Anoop breathing over his shoulder. It didn't make him feel nervous. It only seemed to give him strength. The next time he played the piece all the way through he nailed it.

Anoop clapped when he was done. Matt couldn't help grinning.

"Very good, Mr. Giraud," Anoop said. "I think just just earned an 'A'."

"Not without my special tutor," Matt said. He turned around and Anoop was still looking like he had after he finished playing the trumpet—breathless and ready. Matt wanted to drag him into that closet where Anoop found the trumpet. Instead he played the song again, faster, more intensely. He really felt he had a handle on it now so he wanted to make the song feel like his own. When he finished Anoop was sitting beside him again. His heart was pounding and it wasn't just the music.

"Look," Anoop said. He opened the spit valve on the trumpet and a rush of water fell at their feet.

"Gross!" Matt said. "I think you hit my sneakers. That's disgusting."

"It's just saliva," Anoop said. He started laughing and Matt joined in. Anoop leaned in and Matt was both terrified and thrilled that Anoop was going to kiss him then but Anoop just wrapped him in a hug. Matt hugged him back tightly until they heard someone behind them. They pulled apart quickly.

"Hi, um," David said. "I think I left... my umbrella here."

Matt's heart was pounding as David walked across the room to grab his umbrella from the top of one of the other pianos. He didn't know what to say.

"Hey Dave," Anoop said, casually.

"I'm looking forward to, um, Little Rock tomorrow," David said. "My mom said she wanted, um, like a scarf? And I heard that, um, Little Rock has--"

"Hey," Matt interrupted. "Do you and Allison want to go to the Melting Pot tomorrow? We could give you a ride."

"That would be..." David said, face lighting up as soon as Matt suggested it. "That would, um, that would be--"

"Perfect," Anoop said.

* 

The Fellowship Friday main activity was open mic night but they also had cookies and cupcakes to decorate with all types of frosting, sprinkles, cookies, gummy bears, M&amp;Ms and other assorted goodies. Every table was stocked. Matt dumped a bunch of gummy bears on his plate as Tim started cool cover of a Coldplay song.

"What?" Megan said, pulling up a chair across from Matt. "Did I hear you guys are going to the Melting Pot tomorrow? You're driving Matt? I'm so in. I hate that smelly van and Katy drives like a mad woman. You wouldn't think it because she's so small but damn can she whip that thing around a curb. Gives me nightmares."

Anoop was sitting on his other side, spreading chocolate frosting over his cookie. "I'll always be impressed how she hit those four potholes in a row," he said. "They were all on opposite sides of the street."

"Maybe she always wants to drive because she secretly wants to take us out," Megan said. "So she won't have to pay for our meal at the wedding."

"But that's less wedding gifts!" Matt said. "She'd never do that."

"Look, Matt," Megan said, grabbing the tray of cupcakes. "There's funfetti!"

"He already ate three," Anoop said.

"Funfetti doesn't even need any frosting," Matt said, licking his spoon that had a glob of frosting on it. "It's perfect the way it is."

"Maybe after drop the kids off we can do something fun," Megan said, raising her eyebrows. "And I'm not exactly talking about the zoo."

"The circus?" Matt joked.

"Sure," Anoop said. "But you'll have to ride with Katy coming back. Matt and I are spending the night in the city."

"What?" Megan's mouth dropped open. "What do you mean? What are you to doing? What is going on and why aren't I invited? This is so not fair."

"We're visiting Anoop's uncle," Matt said because that was the lie and they certainly weren't going to tell Megan the truth in the middle of Fellowship Friday.

"Oh bullshit," Megan hissed. "How many Desais do you know in Little Rock? Try again."

Matt looked over at Anoop but he was still frosting his cookie like he wasn't nervous at all. "I wish they had some Red Hots," Anoop said.

"I'm going to kill you two," Megan said. "Getting into trouble without me. That's my specialty. Where are you going? A strip club? Next time just invite me, okay? I wanna get off-campus too."

"Who's getting off campus?" Katy asked as she pulled out the chair on the other side of Anoop. Kris sat beside Matt and stole one of his gummy bears.

"Matt and Anoop are spending the night in the city tomorrow," Megan said. "Secret plans."

"Dean Dwyer told me," Katy said. "Visiting your uncle. I think that's so nice, Anoop! I'm glad you have family in the area."

She beamed at Anoop and Megan snorted. Matt prayed that she wouldn't say anything else and she didn't.

"I'm looking forward to shopping," Kris said, selecting a cupcake. "Katy gave me a free panty coupon to Victoria Secret."

"I always get more than one in the mail," Katy said.

"Look, funfetti," Kris said.

"Isn't it the absolute best?" Matt said. He decided to start on his forth when Anoop handed him a cupcake.

"I decorated it for you," Anoop said. There was nothing on the cupcake except a single M&amp;M.

"Frosting ruins the flavor, right?" Anoop said with a smile. Matt couldn't wait until they were alone the next night.

"What frosting does do," Kris said. "Is cover up all the little imperfections of life."

"You're right," Megan said. "We need to frosting the world."

Matt ate his cupcake slowly, savoring every bite. He knew that Anoop didn't actually make it but he pretended he did.

"Next up," Lil said from the front of the dining hall. "Allison Iraheta and David Archuleta singing Blue by Eiffel 65."

Everyone started laughing when Allison and David went to the performance area with blue wigs on.

"Now listen up here's a story!" Allison started shouting. David played backup on the keyboard enthusiastically. Everyone clapped along and by the end they were singing the chorus. Allison and David got a standing ovation and when they bowed David's wig fell off. He quickly jammed it back on his head but he was already blushing. Matt laughed with frosting in his mouth, reminded why he loved Gates so much. It was wonderful being around people who shared his beliefs, ones that mattered to him, who didn't think it was lame to have fun on Friday night decorating cupcakes and singing silly songs. He loved all of them, even Danny as annoying as he could be.

He just hoped they would still love him too if he ever told them the truth.

* 

The met at the parking lot at exactly noon the next day. Megan walked over to Matt and stood in front of his beat up car.

"Since you're ditching me tonight," she said. "I call shotgun. Anoop..." She looked over at him as he walked to Matt's car. "You get to sit in the back since you're skinnier than me."

"Okay, here's the plan, yo!" Allison said, running over to them. "You drop me and David off and then you don't come back for three hours. Comprende?"

"Oh no way," Megan said. "You think we're going to let you go on your date unsupervised? No way. Who knows what crazy shenanigans you two could get into. I heard that David has wandering hands," Megan finished loudly as David caught up with Allison. He stopped dead in his tracks.

"Oh... no," he stuttered. "I would... um, gosh—I would never..."

"Come on, Megan," Allison said. "He doesn't even _kiss_ me first."

Megan laughed. "In lieu of gas money you owe Matt some chocolate fondue. Come on, the Melting Pot is my favorite. We're going to stick around for a little while."

"You guys totally suck!" Allison yelled. She yanked open Matt's back door and climbed inside.

"You do totally suck," Matt said, giving Megan a low key high five. She smiled and got in the car. Matt looked up at Anoop already feeling nervous and excited about their evening. Anoop just squeezed Matt's arm and then got in the back of the car on the other side.

"Meet us at 8," Katy called from the passenger van. "Don't be late."

"Yes ma'am!" Matt called back. Kris waved. Matt got in his car and soon they were on the open road.

Matt hadn't touched his car since he parked it in the lot the weekend before the first day of school. He'd almost forgotten how much he loved to drive. He cranked up the music and cracked the windows because it was a beautiful fall day, in the high 60s. Megan kept changing the channel but Allison made her stop it on a Jason Derulo song.

"We should totally cover this one in our band," Allison said, shouting over the music. "When are we going to perform again anyway?"

"Working on it, babe," Megan said. "I'm not sure."

"Promises is going to perform in the Christmas Classic in Fayetteville," David said. "Maybe, um, that's something you guys could do?"

"Giving away trade secrets Mr. Archuleta?" Megan said. "Danny is going to be so mad at you. That sounds like an excellent idea. I'll look into it. Anoop, what's your favorite Christmas song?"

"Traditionally?" Anoop asked. "I really like Carol of the Bells. It's a great choir song. Pop-wise, I think I have to pick All I Want by Mariah Carey."

"Classic," Megan said. "We have to do that one."

"What Child is This," Matt piped up. "And This Christmas. Noop could play the trumpet on that one. It would sound really good. You know how it goes di-di di di-di di-di-did di-di-doooooooooooooooo!"

"Wonderful, Matt," Anoop said. "You sounded like a real instrument up there."

"Thank you," Matt said with a grin.

"Christmas is my most favoritest time on the year!" Allison said. "I never want it to end."

"It hasn't even started yet," Megan said.

"Me neither," Matt said, wistfully. "I love Christmas too."

"Christmas starts as soon as midnight hits on Thanksgiving at Kris' house," Megan said. "You'll see, Anoop."

As he thought about his evening with Anoop Matt felt like Christmas was starting that very night.

* 

The Melting Pot was near a large mall in a suburb outside of Little Rock. Matt took a wrong turn and ended up in the mall parking lot and before he knew it Megan made him park so they could all get out and shop a little before they sat down to eat a nutritious meal of melted chocolate.

"Hot Topic, David," Allison said as soon as they made it through Macy's. She grabbed his hand and dragged him over there. Megan crossed her arms and chuckled in amusement.

"Ah, young love." Megan said. "I wouldn't know anything about it! Why are we so single? Gates is like the engagement factory of the south. We missed the boat, boys."

Matt tried not to look at Anoop but he couldn't help it. Anoop was staring at his shoes with a small smile.

"Kris gave me his free panty card," Megan said. "Let's go to Victoria Secret. Help me pick something out."

It was strange to see Megan's tattoo out in the open, glistening in the florescent lighting. Matt wondered how awful it would be if she were allowed to show it off all the time. The more he looked at it the more he thought that it was kind of beautiful.

"Hey Megan," Matt said, walking beside her. "How come that one prince dude isn't colored in?"

Megan shrugged. "I guess I'm still waiting for him. Aren't we all?" She took Matt's hand and then Anoop's and led them into Victoria Secret's.

Matt had to admit that this was a store he hadn't spent a lot of time in. Even if he had a girlfriend he didn't think he'd buy her any sexy lingerie because that might send the wrong message. However, it was a less sexy place than Matt imagined. The panties that Megan rifled through were just solid colors and they said Victoria's Secret in tiny letters on the waistband. Matt knew this because Anoop threw one of them in his face.

"Hey!" Matt cried.

"Now, now, boys," Megan said, holding a pair of hot pink panties to her jeans. "Behave. I know this is very exciting but fighting with lady undergarments just isn't the way to let it out."

"Megan?" a familiar voice said behind them. Matt sucked in his breath when he turned around and saw Adam Lambert standing right there.

"Adam?" Megan said, mouth round with disbelief. "Oh my god! What are you doing here?"

"I'm addicted to their eyeliner," Adam said. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on campus praying to your altar right now?"

"They let us out for good behavior," Megan said with a smirk. "Or if God commands it."

"Ooo, fancy," Adam said. He crossed his arms and smiled at Matt. "Hey Matt. How's it going?"

"Hey," Matt said. He felt like he was naked in front of him all over again, the whole thing a huge mistake. But Adam was only smiling warmly at him like nothing horribly embarrassing had ever happened between them. And Matt had to admit that it hadn't been so embarrassing in the end. In fact, it was kind of cathartic.

"No, what are _you_ doing here?" Megan said. "I thought you'd be out of here by now! Little Rock doesn't really seem like your scene. Isn't the play over?"

"Yeah, but they liked me so much I got a part in another production. Rent. I play Angel." Adam struck a pose for them that Matt guessed was supposed to be Angel. He wasn't sure but he didn't look away.

"Congratulations, that's awesome!" Megan said. "Oh, this is Anoop. He goes to our school, too."

"Anoop," Adam said, raising his eyebrows. Matt bit his lip, waiting for Adam to say something. "Nice to meet you. How do you like Gates?"

"It's been an interesting experience," Anoop said, shaking Adam's hand. "I'm sure you know the deal."

"Believe me, honey, I know all about how _interesting_ Gates can be," Adam said with a wink. "What are you looking for, Megan?"

"I don't know," Megan said. "Pink is so hot but I also need a classic nude."

"You get the pink," Adam said. He pulled another card out of his pocket. "I'll get the nude."

"I'm a small, babydoll," Megan said. "God, I love him. Hang out, Adam. We're going to the Melting Pot in a bit."

"You know chocolate goes straight to my hips," Adam said. "But I cannot resist that place. Have you had their turtle fondue? It's divine. In fact, I have an in with the owners. They are total rentheads. They've come out to the show like five times. I'm sure I can get us some deals."

"Even better," Megan said. She took Adam's arm as they walked to the cash register with panties in hand. "I knew God crossed our paths for a reason!"

"So that's Adam Lambert," Anoop said in a low voice. "There's no mistaking him in a crowd."

"I wish we could go right now," Matt said. He wanted to get out of there because he wanted to tell Anoop everything so bad but he couldn't do it in the middle of a Victoria's Secret. "I don't even want any chocolate."

"Liar," Anoop whispered. "What if they have a funfetti kind?" Matt flinched when he felt Anoop's hand touched his ass, lightly, briefly, and then Anoop was walking to the front of the store to join Adam and Megan. Matt took a deep breath and followed everyone as they exited, Megan and Adam swinging their pink and white striped bags.

"Adam Lambert, no way!" Allison said when they all met at Macy's again. "Whoa, this is like an honor! I've never met anyone who was expelled before!"

"I've never met anyone with such bright hair," Adam said. "How often do you have to touch up the roots?"

"I don't do it as much as I should," Allison said. "It turns my hands all pink!"

"You've got to get these special gloves," Adam said. "I use it all the time on my hair. I'll write it down for you."

"Finally, someone who gets me, yo!" Allison said. "I can't believe how many people on campus just leave their natural hair color. It's so weird!"

"I can't help it if I'm such a fabulous, wonderful brunette," Matt said, pretending to toss his imaginary ponytail. Everyone laughed except for David who was still staring at Adam's black nail polish.

"Shall we go?" Megan said. "You don't get between a girl and her chocolate. I'm getting antsy."

"This better be good," Allison said. "You owe us. You're totally crashing me and David's date! We haven't even gone on a real date together yet!"

"Believe me," Adam said. "Dating's overrated. Once you find someone you really want to be with you don't need to date anymore."

Matt thought Adam might have glanced at him but he was too busy fiddling with the zipper on his hoodie.

"The Melting Pot is supposed to be romantic!" Allison insisted. David was just as red as Allison's hair now. Matt could tell because his face was so dark.

"Don't worry, you two," Megan said, putting her hand on Allison's shoulder. "We'll make sure it's plenty romantic!"

Megan rode with Adam to the Melting Pot so it wasn't quite as crowded in Matt's car. Anoop sat beside him in the front. Matt wanted to take his hand. He didn't know why but he was feeling quite possessive over Anoop all of a sudden. Maybe it was because he'd never had any competition before, as far as Matt knew. He felt like Adam was capable of stealing Anoop away in a heartbeat. Were they even seriously together? Was Anoop just with Matt because there was nobody else he could be with on campus? Anoop didn't say much on the way there. Allison talked the whole time, obviously enchanted by Adam and his eyeliner.

The Melting Pot really did seem like a romantic place. Matt hadn't been to one before. It was dimly lit and the booths were close and cozy.

"Hey," Adam said as they walked to their table. "It's like a triple date! I call Megan!"

Everyone laughed but Matt bit his lip hard. He was sure Adam winked at him after he said that. They really did sit at the booth like a triple date. Allison was across from David and Megan was across from Adam who was sitting next to Anoop who was across from Matt. When the owners learned Adam was there they came out to greet them personally. Instead of just 50 bucks of chocolate the owners gave them one of the three course meals for free. They started out with the cheese fondue that the waiter made right in front of them and a bottle of red wine. Matt passed on the wine; Adam was right there. But nobody said a word as David and Allison each had a little in their wine even though Allison said it was disgusting. David seemed to like it well enough.

"I'd love to have fondue like this is Switzerland," Anoop said. "That's where it was invented."

"Really?" Megan said. "How did you know that?"

"I read it on the back of the menu," Anoop said.

"It's so genius!" Allison said. "Melted cheese! I wish I had ideas half this good. I'd be rich, son. You can count on it."

"I know, um, being gay is like, a sin," David said, his wine glass empty in front of him. "But Adam, gosh, you seem very nice. Do nice people really go to hell?"

"I think it depends on your definition of hell, kiddo," Adam said. "Believe me, I don't have any plans to go there any time soon."

"Alright, alright," Megan said. Matt was sitting very quietly. He wasn't sure if he could breathe. "That's enough drinking for you, David."

Matt pulled at his shirt. His underarms were sweaty, even though he'd used the prescription strength deodorant that morning.

"Excuse me," Matt said. He was on the end of the booth so it was easy for him to get up and go to the bathroom. Once he was in there he splashed some water on his face and patted his face dry with the bottom of his t-shirt. When he looked in the mirror he didn't look any different but he could clearly feel Adam's hands on his hips and Adam's mouth on his cock while his bare ass twitched against the tile wall. Adam's smiling mouth below him and David's questions hanging in the air, _Do nice people really go to hell_?

"He seems like your type," Adam said all of a sudden. Matt turned around and nearly gasped.

"I mean, as far as I can tell," Adam said. "Tall... dark hair." He grinned at Matt. "He's really hot. Anoop. I could tell he'd be hot from his name and they way you were into him. Don't worry, Matt, I'm not going to jump you."

Matt took a deep breath, a million thoughts racing through his mind. "We're going to a hotel tonight. To spend the night together..." Matt let the sentence hang in the air. It was scary but it still felt good to say it out loud. Adam smiled, knowingly.

"So you'll need these," Adam said. He pulled a few condoms from his pocket and handed them to Matt. "Even if you haven't been with anyone else it's just a good habit. Plus, makes clean up easier."

Matt's hands were shaking but he took them, gratefully. He didn't know if they would get that far but as nervous as he was he sort of wanted to, especially since he didn't know when they'd get the opportunity again.

"You're going to need more lubrication that that," Adam said. "So pick up something. Plus, who knows. It might be such a good time you're going to want to go a few more times." He winked and then stepped over to the urinal. Matt examined the condoms as Adam peed. He realized he didn't even really know how to put one on. He had a lot to learn.

"It really is a sin," Matt said. He didn't know where that had come from. He hadn't even had a drop of wine. He stuffed the condoms in the back pocket of his jeans.

"Believe what you want, Matt," Adam said. "It's not going to change who you are. Really, it's not a bad thing. Some people are right handed. Some people are left handed. Some people are straight, some are gay, some like animals. Why worry about it? Just go with it."

"Animals?" Matt repeated in a shaky voice.

"Well," Adam said, zipping himself up. "Maybe you should worry about animals."

They both laughed and Matt felt a little better.

"Are you coming back or should I tell everyone the cheese blocked up your system?" Adam asked. "We've got a lot more food to eat."

"Yeah, I'll be right there," Matt said. He looked in the mirror one more time after Adam was gone. His hair was still curly, his eyes looked the same, his jeans were a little tight in the thighs. The condoms were in his pocket, the hotel reservation was made, the lie was in motion and he just wanted to get out of there so everything that was supposed to happen could finally happen. He didn't look different on the outside but that didn't matter.

It was the inside that was going to change.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Matt felt cozy on the clean sheets and Anoop's arms were around him, holding him tightly, his body curled up against Matt's. Anoop was breathing evenly, slowly, but Matt knew he wasn't asleep. Matt didn't know how he knew that—they hadn't _slept_ together before—but he just knew. Besides, it wasn't even late. It was barely ten o'clock. They still had the whole night._

They spent hours at the Melting Pot but it didn't seem that long between all the food and the three different kinds of chocolate fondue and the wine that Matt did decide to partake in after all. When they finally left it was dark outside and Matt felt loose and happy and just _ready_ for his evening to begin despite all of his doubts. Anoop was what he really wanted no matter how wrong it was.

"We have to do this again sometime, kids," Adam said as they walked through the parking lot. "Seriously. I've got tickets to Rent with your name on it. The Saturday after Thanksgiving. I can get your whole crew some comp tickets and then I'm having a holiday party that night. How does that sound?"

"Loads of fun," Megan said. "I'll let you know who's in. Have a good night, Adam. It's back to the grind. Well for most of us. Matt and Anoop have gotten a Get Out of Jail Free card for the night." She glared at them and shook her head.

"Oh yeah," Adam said, like he didn't know. He looked at Matt and raised his eyebrows. "Well have fun, boys."

"I'm sure they will," Megan said. "Bastards. Bye Adam."

"Thank you so much, Adam," Allison said, opening Matt's car back door. "You rock! The best thing is that we still have our gift certificate so we can come back. I love this place!"

"Yes, um, thank you, Adam," David said. "I'm going to check out the, uh, Sex Pistols tonight."

"It'll change your life," Adam said. "I'll see you guys around."

Matt tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he waited for everyone to get out the car to meet Katy at the van. He rolled down the window when Katy came over.

"You guys made it," she said. "Have fun with Anoop's uncle tonight. I heard there's going to be fireworks on the river tonight. I wish we could stay too!"

Matt smiled at Katy's innocent face. Somehow he never worried about her. He thought that if she knew the truth she would still treat him the same.

"We'll see you in chapel tomorrow," Matt said. Anoop got in the front seat and waved. The Gates van had their school logo on the back and they watched it drive away.

"I'm never going to eat again," Matt whispered in the darkness of the night. It was silent because he turned his car off and there wasn't anything else around in the parking lot where they dropped off the others. Anoop didn't say anything. Matt put a hand on his stomach. He felt kind of fat and he wasn't even sure he wanted Anoop to see him naked anymore.

"Uh..." Matt said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and it wasn't just his stomach. He turned on his car, Black Eyed Peas blasting through the speakers. When did it get that loud? He reached for the volume knob but Anoop's hand stopped him. Anoop kissed him hard. Matt closed his eyes tightly.

"Hi," Anoop said against his lips. He kissed him again and Matt sighed, happily.

"I have directions," Anoop said. He kissed Matt's ear. Matt kissed him on the lips quickly one more time and then backed the car out of his spot.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting. It was a Holiday Inn not too far away. The lobby was nice and Matt could see an indoor pool when they walked to the elevators. There wasn't one bed like Matt had feared or wanted. It was a regular room with two double beds and a TV and a bathroom off the front door and a big window on the opposite side. The beds each had identical paintings of a big yellow flower above them. Matt stared up at is as Anoop put his backpack down on the floor, next to the closet.

"Which bed do you want?" Anoop asked.

Matt felt like he was in a dream as he walked to the bed that was furthest from the door. He dropped his backpack down between the beds and sat on the edge of the bed. Anoop sat on the other bed and turned on the TV.

"I can't remember the last time I watched television," Anoop said.

"Yeah," Matt said. He felt like his mouth was running on autopilot. "I don't think anyone has a TV at Gates except some of the freshmen. I mean, I don't really miss it. I guess you get used to it."

"I can usually watch all the important shows on Hulu," Anoop said, flipping channels. "But my favorite show hasn't had a new season yet. Mad Men. Ever watched it?"

Matt blinked at Anoop when he looked over at him. He shook his head.

"Too bad," Anoop said. "It's really good. We can watch the DVDs on my laptop sometime."

Matt started laughing. He couldn't help it. This was ridiculous.

"Noop," he said, quietly. "I don't really want to watch TV..."

"Me neither," Anoop said. He dropped the remote on the floor. Matt laid back and then Anoop was on top of him, kissing him, but this time it felt different. They kissed slowly, deeply, and Matt could really feel Anoop's lips pressing against his, and the sweet movement of his tongue, the comforting weight of his body, his legs between Matt's legs. Occasionally Anoop's fingers would brush his face or squeeze his sides or brace his shoulders as he kissed Matt harder. Matt had never been kissed like that before and he never wanted it to stop. He rubbed Anoop's back, reached under his shirt, slid his hands down to cup Anoop's ass and squeezed him gently and then harder.

He was listening to Anoop's sounds, the small moans against his mouth and then even bigger gasps, occasionally, when Matt touched him somewhere. He just let his hands wander. He wanted to go crazy but he also wanted to take it slow. Matt didn't know how long they stayed like that, Anoop laying on top of him, lips barely parting, kissing and slowly kissing some more but it wasn't enough. When Anoop finally pulled away Matt could barely move. He felt cold, already addicted to Anoop's body heat.

"We need some music," Anoop said. He kissed the corner of Matt's mouth and got off the bed. Matt laid there, completely content but one thing he wasn't was completely hard. He was glad that his cock had a chance to take it easy. He didn't want that night to be all about getting off. He wanted it to mostly be about them getting to know each other. Really getting to know each other. Matt sat up when he heard a few familiar notes coming from Anoop's Mac.

"Hey, that's my jazz song," Matt said. "Where'd you get that from, Noop? Did you steal it out of my brain?"

"Yeah, Herbie Hancock." Anoop smiled as he set his computer up on the nightstand between the beds. "This whole CD is pretty great."

"I didn't know you were into jazz," Matt said. The song sounded a lot better with Herbie playing it. Matt didn't think he could even do it justice.

"I like all kinds of music," Anoop said. He came and sat next to Matt. "I think it's really brave, what you're doing. Being a music major."

"You could do it too, Noop," Matt said. "I mean, it's not like a music program you'd get in New York but I think it's really good."

"Yeah," Anoop said. He shrugged. "I thought about it but I guess it comes down to practicality. It's not very practical."

"Yeah," Matt said. "But I just can't see myself doing anything else. I have to do something in music. There's nothing else out there for me."

Anoop turned to him and cupped Matt's face gently between his hands. "I know," Anoop said, softly. "That's why I think you're so brave. That's why I admire you."

"It's not bravery," Matt said with a laugh. Right then, staring into Anoop's eyes, he felt closer to him than ever. Anoop's breath almost smelled like the chocolate fondue and he could taste hints of it on Anoop's lips when they kissed. "I don't have a choice. It's what I have to do. It's what I meant was meant to do on this earth, Anoop."

"You're so smart for knowing that," Anoop said. "Do you know how many people don't know that? Who never know that?"

Matt didn't know but he didn't have a chance to answer because Anoop kissed him again. The jazz felt sexy, tinkering behind them in the background. Anoop slipped his hands under Matt's shirt and rubbed his stomach.

"I'm still so full," Matt said. "I feel like I'm made of chocolate."

"You taste like it," Anoop said. He pulled Matt's shirt off and then licked his side. Matt laughed, pushing Anoop away.

"Noop!" he said, laughing. They never got to laugh like this at Gates. They didn't get to make noise. Everything had to be quiet, secretive, fast.

Matt wanted this all the time.

"Matt," Anoop said, watching him. He went to unbutton his shirt but Matt stopped him.

"No," Matt said. "Let me. Stand up, Noop."

Anoop paused and then pushed himself up with a smile, standing at the foot of the bed. Matt got up on his knees and so he was more or less eye level with Anoop. He was glad Anoop had brown eyes so he could really stare into them, take in their rich, dark color. There was so much behind those eyes, so much to learn. Matt didn't mind that this was only the beginning.

He unbuttoned Anoop's shirt slowly. It was light blue, that UNC color. Matt didn't mind that Anoop had so much loyalty to his own school. Gates wasn't really about school colors and mascots anyway. They didn't have any sports team so they went to the Hogs games at the University of Arkansas if there was a craving to see a football game. He liked Anoop in blue.

Anoop stayed still as Matt slowly pushed his shirt down his arms and pulled it away from his body. He started folding Anoop's shirt but Anoop shook his head.

"Just drop it on the floor, Matt," Anoop said. Matt kissed him, tossing his shirt on the other bed. Anoop was wearing a wifebeater underneath. He pulled the wifebeater over Anoop's head and threw that too. It didn't quite make it. He tried not to look but Anoop snickered.

"Gotta work on that throwing arm," Anoop said.

"Shut up," Matt growled. He kissed Anoop hard, biting down on his lip and then they both laughed.

Matt worked on Anoop's pants next, pulling out his belt and then unzipping his jeans. Matt brushed the back of his fingers against the bulge in Anoop's underwear. Just feeling that Anoop was hard for him made Matt even harder than he already was. He traced his finger up and down Anoop's cock a few more times until Anoop sucked in his breath.

"You know," he said. "We can't go too slow. I can't take it."

"Shhhh," Matt said, with a smile. "Yes, you can."

He eased Anoop's jeans down Anoop's slim hips and waited for him to step out of them. Anoop also kicked off his shoes and then Matt's hands were on him again, playing with the waistband on his boxer-briefs. They were gray, Fruit of the Loom, kind of generic, but Matt wasn't going to hold that against him. Matt wasn't interested in his underwear anyway.

He tugged off Anoop's underwear and his cock was finally free and ready. Anoop shuddered at just the lightest touch, Matt's fingers briefly stroking the underside.

"Don't tease me," Anoop said.

"Lay down," Matt said. He got off the bed so they could switch positions. It was _bright_ in the hotel room. Every single light was on. Matt had never been in this position with Anoop before, where he could see everything. He watched Anoop lay back and just took him all in. He looked over every inch of Anoop's bare skin and started kissing him from the top down, his neck all the way down to his hips and then his cock, all over, taking his time, planting little kisses everywhere. He wanted to taste him, touch him, experience him, _memorize_ him. The hair on Anoop's stomach leading to between his leg, the dark spot all the way on his left side, halfway between his armpit and his navel, the vein in his right bicep that twitched whenever Matt licked Anoop's nipples. He hadn't really played with Anoop's nipples before but he seemed to really like it. His eyes were closed and he was making soft noises that turned into a sharp gasp when Matt returned to Anoop's cock. He examined that too, taking in the thickness, the slight curve, the curly dark hair around it, they way he smelled. It was so intimate. Matt wondered if he was taking this too far. But Anoop's eyes were still closed and he wasn't telling him to stop.

He kissed the tip of Anoop's cock lightly. Anoop groaned, his chest heaving above Matt in a big sigh.

"Nobody's ever looked at me like that before," Anoop said.

"You're beautiful," Matt said. He didn't know if that was strange but he did know it was true.

"Ha, ha," Anoop said and then he groaned loudly as Matt licked up the length of his cock. He continued licking Anoop up and down, everywhere, while he gripped the base of Anoop's cock or fondled his balls, lightly. He'd never really gotten a chance to take his time and he felt like he was giving his best blow job ever. He took Anoop deep in his mouth before, really sucking him hard and then running his tongue around the head of Anoop's cock and stroking and sucking him at the same time.

He hummed along to Herbie Hancock, mouth still around Anoop. He could tell Anoop was close by the way he sucked in his breath and gripped his ass, clutching the sheets.

"Wait," Anoop said. "Is that the song that's on right now?"

They both laughed. Matt dipped his head down lower to suck on Anoop's balls and then, feeling adventurous, kissed him in the spot between his balls and his asshole.

"Whoa," Anoop said. "Matt. Fuck. Yeah, I'm... Matt--"

He didn't have to say much more and then he was coming, pretty hard, some on Matt's hand because he was holding Anoop's cock, but mostly on his own stomach and some on the bed.

"There you go," Matt said, feeling proud of himself. He stroked Anoop softly, leaned over to lick Anoop's stomach clean while he wiped his hand on his jeans.

"You can just use a towel, you know," Anoop said.

"Isn't this sexy?" Matt said, wiping his mouth.

"I don't know," Anoop said, laughing a little. Matt wasn't sure himself. He got up and got a towel, handing it to Anoop.

"I guess I'll work on it," Matt said.

"You were amazing," Anoop said.

"I don't even know what I'm doing," Matt said. He felt a little shy. He put his hand over Anoop's hand which was resting on his stomach. Anoop leaned up and kissed him.

"Could have fooled me," Anoop said. They kissed again. Matt closed his eyes tighter as Anoop slipped his hand in his pants.

"Oh..." Matt said. He thought about the condoms in his pocket. Should he mention those now? He didn't get a chance to come up with an answer because they were switching places and then Anoop's mouth was on his cock and he couldn't think. Anoop had always been much better at swallowing than he was.

The best part was afterward when they were laying in each other's arms on the other bed because they'd made sort of a mess with the first bed. Matt felt cozy on the clean sheets and Anoop's arms were around him, holding him tightly, his body curled up against Matt's. Anoop was breathing evenly, slowly, but Matt knew he wasn't asleep. Matt didn't know how he knew that—they hadn't _slept_ together before—but he just knew. Besides, it wasn't even late. It was barely ten o'clock. They still had the whole night.

Matt got to pick the next CD so he looked through Anoop's whole iTunes library. Now they were listening to Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits, a good choice for both of them. Anoop sang along softly in Matt's ear.

"All I do," Anoop sang. "Is think about you."

"Noop," Matt said. He stared out the window. It was still wide open but they were on the 8th floor so it really didn't matter. Matt patted Anoop's arm. "Anoop, look. I think I can see the fireworks."

They weren't spectacular but they were there, brief flashes of lights in all sorts of colors. Anoop watched too but he didn't stop singing. Matt was glad. The finale was constant bursts of light, gold and white, never ending until it all stopped at once, the only evidence of anything amazing every happening in the sky lost in the thick black smoke. Matt rolled over in Anoop's arms.

"Hey," he said. "Why'd you really come to Gates?"

"What?" Anoop said. "Besides trying to save my immortal soul?"

Matt smiled and after a moment Anoop smiled with him but Matt could tell that there was a worried look in his eyes.

"What?" Matt said. "You can tell me, Noop. Are you really worried about that? I'm worried too... especially with..." He knew he didn't have to finish the sentence.

"I--" Anoop started. He broke off with a shrug. "I'm worried about something else."

"What is it?" Matt said. He hoped they could be honest now, really honest. He held Anoop a little tighter but he wanted to see his face.

Anoop took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. He looked at Matt with a sad smile.

"I'm not going to be here next semester," Anoop said.

"What?" Matt said, his eyes going wide, his heart beating faster.

"I'm going back to school. I'm going to graduate from UNC."

"Who--" Matt said. "Does Dean Dwyer know?"

Anoop sat up and Matt's side felt cold. He shook his head.

"You wanna know why I came to Gates?" he sad. The same sad smile was still on his face. "I guess I came... I know why I came. I came to meet someone like you."

He didn't say anything for a few moments after that. Matt didn't know what he meant. He sat up, too. He felt nervous until Anoop sort of opened his arms to him and Matt slid over close to him and rested his head on Anoop's chest.

"Someone like me?" Matt repeated. Anoop kissed his hair.

"I'm a political science major," Anoop said. "But I'm also in the honors college and I've taken a lot of cultural anthropology classes. I have to do a big honor's thesis and at first I was going to explore the cultural implications of barbecue in the south but then I got to thinking about it this summer and I had another idea. Christian colleges. They are really important in the south. What's it like to go there? I really didn't have any idea. So I thought I would immerse myself in one and see what I come up for my thesis."

"Like an experiment?" Matt said. His heart dropped as he stared at Anoop. He felt like he was seeing him for the first time all over again.

"Like an observation," Anoop said. "Not even being Christian I knew I could be really objective. I wanted to see how this type of culture operated. You know?"

Matt shook his head. "No, I don't, Noop. You mean... you were taking notes this whole time? And _analyzing_ us?"

"No, it's not like that," Anoop said. "I'm not analyzing you. I'm trying to learn."

"So you can put it in a paper?" Matt said. "It just seems like a lot of work, Noop! You knew the whole time? And nobody else knows?"

"I could have gone to a school closer to home," Anoop said, staring straight ahead like he hadn't even heard Matt. "And I was going to until I was doing some research on the internet. I heard about Gates and Adam Lambert and how he got expelled for having sexual relations with another male. It was on a few blogs. And then..."

"Then you had an angle," Matt said. Even he was surprised by the nasty tone of the words coming out of his mouth. It was all coming together, clicking inside his head. He had never understood something so quickly before. He wasn't usually smart like this. Matt pressed a hand against his chest. It _hurt_. He got off the bed. Anoop kept talking.

"I wanted to know to know what it was like to be gay at Gates," Anoop said, words coming out in a rush. He finally looked at Matt again. Matt stood there, suddenly very aware of how naked he was. He crossed his arms over his chest even though it didn't help.

"Well, I guess you found the perfect subject," he said.

Anoop sighed and shook his head. "It's not really like that. I wasn't—I didn't know what I was going to find. I didn't know it would be you!"

"Do you have cameras here now?" Matt asked, looking around. "Were you just waiting for the moment when I would break down? Every time we're together is just another footnote in your thesis or something?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Matt," Anoop said. "I wouldn't tell you the truth if it was anything like that."

"So every thing before this has been a lie?" Matt swallowed hard. He didn't know what to think. He found his boxers and stepped back in them. He wanted to get out of there. God was definitely punishing him. Anoop had been pretending the whole time. Of course he'd be humiliated because this was wrong. He'd known the whole time and he just couldn't help himself.

"Matt, please," Anoop said. "Please—I... look I didn't know what to expect. Maybe I was wrong. I should have been up front from the start. Come on, please sit down."

"I didn't come to Gates because I wanted to _observe_ people and judge them and write papers about them and how backwards they are," Matt said. "I came because I believe. And I love it here. I know it's not perfect but I love my school and I love my religion and I love God. It's not just something you can--"

"I'm sorry, Matt!" Anoop said, loudly, talking over him. "But I really—I really didn't expect this."

Matt was nearly dressed now. He slipped on his flip-flops while he pulled down his shirt. They were both quiet now. Stevie crooned between them. _There's a ribbon in the sky for our love._

Matt leaned over and pushed Anoop's Macbook shut.

It was cold outside, chillier than it had even been that November. Matt's sweatshirt was in the room. He sat on the steps in the back of the hotel that led down to a dark path and put his face in his hands. He wasn't praying and he wasn't crying. He wasn't sure what he was doing. But he stayed like that for a long time.


	20. Chapter 20

Matt didn't realize how cold he was until he felt Anoop's impossibly warm hand on his arm.

"Hey," Anoop said, softly. "Come inside." He held out Matt's hoodie. Matt looked up from his hands but he didn't move. After a moment Anoop draped the hoodie over his shoulders.

"It's cold," Anoop said.

"No shit," Matt said and even he was surprised. He never swore.

"Matt..." Anoop said with a sigh.

"Did you observe that?" Matt said. His tone was nasty. He felt nasty. Even his mouth tasted nasty, from Anoop's tongue, his cock and his come.

Anoop rubbed a hand over his face. Matt watched him. He'd never felt anger like this. Never wanted to.

"Is that how you always find me?" Matt said. "You have a tracking device on me or something? Your _subject_\--"

"I shouldn't have told you," Anoop said.

"No, keep lying to me!" Matt said. "That's a great plan."

"That's not what I meant," Anoop said.

"I don't know what you mean!" Matt said. He wasn't yelling but he was dangerously close. "I don't think you really mean anything you say, Noop. You put on a hell of a show. Congratulations. I bet you'll get an 'A'."

Anoop didn't say anything but he had the audacity to look hurt. Matt didn't know whether to laugh or cry but he was very close to the latter.

"Look," Anoop said in a quiet, steady voice. "I wouldn't have told you if I didn't care. I wanted tonight to be special."

"Chapter 23," Matt said. "Or what is this? Chapter 35: My Night Having Sex with Matt."

"No--"

"All those other nights you didn't tell me you didn't care," Matt said. He took a deep breath and held it, trying to control himself. "You didn't care."

"No!" Anoop said. He put his hand on Matt's arm but Matt pushed his hand away.

"Don't," he said. "Don't, Anoop."

"I did care," Anoop said. "I _do_ care, Matt. I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."

Matt turned away and he couldn't stop himself now. The tears rolled down his face and dripped on his jeans. It was pathetic. He couldn't remember the last time he cried. But he'd been waiting for Anoop to say that. He wanted to hear those words _so bad_ and now they were nothing but a lie.

He should have suspected this. He was never good at knowing. He was not good at _listening_. He convinced himself that this was okay, that he was supposed to have this, that God was okay with this but that had been the biggest lie. It wasn't okay. Anoop didn't love him. Matt wasn't sure anyone would.

Not even God.

"What is this?" Matt said, when he could speak. He wiped his eyes but it didn't help. "Part two of your experiment?"

"No," Anoop said. He sounded sad. Matt wanted to cover his ears. "I mean it, Matt. I'll do anything to make it up to you."

"Get away from me." Matt stood up and went inside. He pulled his hoodie on and pulled the hood down over his eyes so the front desk attendant couldn't see.

He thought it had been Adam who was playing a game while getting him off but it was Anoop the whole time. Anoop smiling in his face, waiting for him after curfew, just so he could graduate from his stupid honor's college.

"I get it," Matt said, looking up at the ceiling as he waited for the elevator. He couldn't see the sky because he was in the building but he still knew that God was there. "I get it now."

He remembered asking God what happened if he gave in.

This was what happened.

The room smelled like them, like their messing around, like their sin. Matt tried not to breathe as he grabbed his backpack and the other things he had laying around the room.

He knew he wasn't smart—not like Kris or Katy or Megan or Anoop or really anyone else at his school—but he got the lesson eventually and this was definitely a lesson learned.

He just wanted to leave.

Anoop came in the room a few minutes later. The worst part was that he wanted Anoop to touch him. He wanted Anoop to give him a hug and hold him for a while, just like earlier when they were lying in the bed and Matt felt like everything was just _right_ with his life when it was all horribly wrong. Why couldn't he just act the way he was supposed to act? Why couldn't he just feel the things he was supposed to feel? Why was being normal so hard for him?

"I won't write the paper," Anoop said from the doorway. Matt was glad he didn't come any closer because despite everything he didn't know if he could control himself.

"Don't fail on my account, Noop," Matt said, heaving his backpack over his shoulders. "I don't care what you do. You don't want to waste the whole semester. Let's go. I want to go home."

Matt had a fantasy where he and Anoop would drive back to campus after their night together holding hands while the sun rose higher and higher in the sky. They'd be perfectly content and relaxed and ready to go to chapel and learn more about their relationship with God and the world and everything they could do to strengthen it. Now it was the middle of the night and there weren't any other cars in the road. Matt was speeding and he didn't care. He wanted to get away from Anoop who was sitting right beside him.

Anoop didn't speak. Matt was both relieved and disappointed. He wanted Anoop to try again but he also didn't want to Anoop to try because Matt wasn't sure how long he could resist him and then he'd just be making the same mistake all over again.

Matt parked in the same spot where'd be parked his car at the beginning of the semester. It was less chilly back at Gates so he pulled off his hoodie as they walked across the quiet grass back to Clearwater Hall.

Anoop hit the elevator button once they were inside and it opened immediately. It was after curfew now for everyone, even seniors, so the hall was completely quiet. It was around the time when Matt would meet Anoop in the lounge because everyone was going to sleep. Well that wasn't going to happen anymore.

The elevator opened with a loud ding. Anoop stepped inside and looked back at Matt, expectantly.

"I'm taking the stairs," Matt said. He let the elevator doors close.

Matt had already broken the rules so he didn't care when he left the dorm after curfew. They weren't even supposed to be on campus anyway. He should have known when Anoop bragged to him about how easily he lied to Dean Dwyer with that fake accent.

The chapel doors were open. They were never locked. Matt walked inside and put his hoodie on again. He was tired but he didn't want to go to sleep. He wanted to pray. He sat up front and leaned over his knees, resting his forehead against his clasped hands. He remembered when Anoop asked him to teach him how to pray. How could he know? How could he have any idea?

"I love him," Matt said. "I still do."

He had to listen. He had to listen, listen, listen. God was there, in the church and in his heart. He just had to listen.

Matt opened his eyes when he heard the chapel doors open. Sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows bathing him in warm morning light. He was laying on his back on the pew and his arm was numb. His back hurt but he deserved it.

He deserved everything.

"Matt?" someone said and then Matt focused on Scott, Danny, Tim and David in the aisle.

"Hi," Matt said. He struggled to sit up. All of a sudden he knew what he had to do. "Hey. I wanna join the band again. I want to be in Promises. I'll play the drums and Scott can play the piano, just like we used to."

"Good morning to you, too, Matt," Scott said.

"Wait, hold up," Danny said. "You, like, want to come back to our band? After you abandoned us? No way. You made your choice."

"I made a mistake," Matt said. "But I've been praying about it and I know the best thing to come back to the group. You were right, Danny. I was on the wrong path. I want to get my life right again. Promises is important to me. I want to do it your way, Danny. I'm sorry about before."

"I'd love to have you back, Matt," Tim said. "But what about David? He plays the piano now."

"It would change the dynamic of our whole group," Scott said, skeptically. "And we're performing today during service."

"I know all the songs," Matt said. "I still do. Or I can learn them right now. It's not hard for me. I want to perform today. I feel like it's something God wants me to do."

"I haven't heard anything about it," Scott said.

"I've been waiting here all night," Matt said. "Please, guys, I'll do anything. I don't even have to play the drums. I'll play the triangle. I just want to be in Promises again. I belong in Promises. I never should have left. You're right. That other band just isn't fit for this campus. They don't know what they doing. It's not very Godly. Please, guys, give me a second chance. Please."

Matt felt like he was begging for so many things at the same time. He wondered if begging was just another form of prayer or if it was something worse.

"I don't think," David said, all of a sudden. They all stared at him. He blushed but continued speaking. "I don't think, um, you should put down the other band. I know they are wonderful people. Gosh, Matt, we were just hanging out with them yesterday--"

"They _you_ go play with them!" Matt snapped. "They need a new keyboardist anyway."

"You don't have to yell at him," Tim said. David stared at Matt for a moment.

"Maybe I will," David said. "They are nice people and they include everyone. I, um—I don't think there's anything wrong with that."

Matt refused to look at David walked back out of chapel. He couldn't afford to care.

"That's kind of messed up," Tim said. "Just kicking David out of his spot."

"Oh, he wanted to leave," Danny said. "It was his choice. Welcome back, Matt. Scott was getting tired of drumming anyway."

"I do prefer the piano," Scott said. "But I don't want you to come back unless you can make a real commitment to us, Matt."

"I can!" Matt insisted. "I do. I don't want to be anywhere else. Promises is where I'm meant to be. I'm not leaving. I'm committed. I promise, guys. I'm here!"

"I've got a couple new songs that I wrote," Danny said. "We have a little while to rehearse."

Matt jumped up and went to the drums that were on stage. It was good to sit there with the weight of the drumsticks in his hand even though the drum line that Danny had crafted was totally simple and boring. He didn't try to change a thing. He just kept a simple rhythm while Scott played the piano, Tim strummed his guitar and Danny wailed in front of him with his throaty voice. It was a song about giving your life to God. That was the music that Matt needed to create. That was the music that Matt needed to _hear_. He was still listening and waiting. He wasn't going to get the message wrong again.

The worship leaders came around 9:15 to set up. Kris looked surprised when he saw Matt on stage behind the drums.

"Hey," Kris said. "You filling in?"

"I'm back with Promises," Matt said. "You can give up my spot in the band."

"What?" Katy cried, appearing beside Kris suddenly. "You're quitting? Why, Matt?"

Matt started playing again. He had to warm up. He didn't want to look at them. He finished his little drum solo with a cymbal crash and then looked up into Katy's concerned face.

"My heart's just not into it anymore," Matt said.

He could tell Katy wanted to say more but then it was time for them to man the doors. Matt got up and went to sit in the front with the rest of the pew. He didn't have his bible with him and he didn't want to go back to the dorm to get it so he pulled out a bible from the back of the pew in front of him. Maybe the problem was that he had never read the bible from cover to cover. He opened it to the front page when he felt someone standing over him.

"Okay, what the hell?" Megan said. "You quit? What is this about, Matt. Start talking."

Matt shook his head. "I don't want to do it anymore. So what, Megan?"

"Oh come on," Megan said. "What's really going on? This isn't like you. I know you like to play the keys a million times more than you like playing the drums. I know you, Matt."

"You don't know me!" Matt said. He felt like he was going to explode with everyone trying to tell him how to think and feel and who he was. Maybe that's why he couldn't listen to what was really important.

"Jesus, Matt, is it that time of the month or something?" Megan said, widening her eyes. "What's wrong with you?"

"You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain," Matt said. "You're so disrespectful."

"Get over yourself," Megan said. "I don't care what's going on, don't talk to me like you're _Danny_ or something, Matt. You're better than that. Why are you still wearing the same clothes as yesterday? What's going on?"

"Leave me alone," Matt said. He turned away and stared straight ahead. It didn't matter. He could still see Anoop out of the corner of his eye as he walked down the aisle to join Megan.

"Hi Matt," Anoop said.

"Matt's crossed over to the dark side," Megan said. "He joined Promises again."

"Hey, guys, listen up!" Allison said, rushing over to Megan, dragging David along behind her. "David wants to join the band! Can we let him, please, please, please? Did you really quit the band, Matt? I want you back! But I want David to play with us, too."

"There's an opening," Megan said. "This one is a lost cause."

Matt didn't even look when he heard them walking away to go sit where he used to sit. He was done with that life. He was starting a new one now.

But when he looked up again Anoop was still standing there.

"Talk to me, Matt," Anoop said, quietly.

But Matt didn't talk. He wasn't going to be fooled again. He didn't want to believe him. So he stayed silent and he stared straight ahead at the cross over the pulpit until he heard Anoop walk away and the bells chimed in the bell tower. It was ten o'clock, time for service. Matt had his drumsticks in his hands as they stood up to pray.


	21. Chapter 21

The problem was that Matt's friends were Anoop's friends now so he couldn't go over there. He'd been sitting with Scott and Danny for the past week, listening to them talk about everything he didn't care about while he tried to eat some food but lately he just wasn't hungry.

The following Sunday was the Sunday before Thanksgiving so service ran long and Promises performed again. They had two days of school before Thanksgiving break so everyone was happy, buzzing with the excitement of the holiday. Matt wasn't looking forward to a whole weekend with Kris and everyone else going to Kris' house, including Anoop. He didn't want to be around them but he didn't know how to get out of it. Even though Kris was his roommate they had barely spoken over the past week. He wasn't really talking to anyone. Matt found it wasn't that hard. He just hid in the library until curfew and then went to sleep. During band practice he just focused on the drums. He spent a lot of time in chapel, praying silently and listening, waiting for the moment when that would all help but it hadn't happened yet. He was patient though. Or maybe he was just sad. He couldn't really tell. It didn't matter anyway.

Matt walked into the dining hall with Danny. They usually sat at one of the center tables. He looked at the tables in the back where he used to sit. Kris, Katy, Allison, Megan and David were already there. Matt watched them for a moment before he turned away.

"Dean Dwyer really liked my new songs," Danny said. "It's a blessing to have you back because, like, Scott, he's good on the drums and all but sometimes Scott couldn't really see what I was doing and he couldn't tell when I was really feeling it so he could slow down the song!"

Matt refrained himself from rolling his eyes. Danny had the tendency to get off beat. Matt didn't know it was called _feeling_ the music.

"No problem," Matt mumbled.

He sat down beside Danny once Danny had his food. The Sunday before Thanksgiving meant that they were having their Gates Thanksgiving meal. Matt liked it because it was totally southern with sweet potatoes and greens and dirty rice and even deep fried turkey. Thanksgiving Sunday dinner was definitely his favorite meal of the whole semester but this year he just wasn't into it. He watched Scott cut his cornbread into pieces and eat it with a fork, sitting at the table across from him.

"Why aren't you eating?" Scott asked.

Matt shrugged. "I'm just not hungry," he said.

"There's pumpkin pie," Danny said. "You're not even going to have that?"

Matt didn't answer. He couldn't help looking over at Anoop when he sat down with his friends, having a grand time, laughing about something along with everyone else. He thought about telling them the truth about Anoop but he didn't really know what it would prove. Anoop would probably find a way to make himself look like the good guy anyway, like he was going to get them an exhibit in the Smithsonian museum about his exciting field work.

If he told on Anoop they would want to know the story. Then he'd have to tell them the truth.

So he kept his mouth shut. He sat with Danny and Scott but he might as well have been sitting alone.

"Hey Matt," someone said behind him. Matt turned in his chair and saw Katie Stevens standing there.

"Hi," she said, smiling brazenly at him. "I got you a present. Happy Thanksgiving."

It was a bracelet, black and white string woven together. Katie tied it around his wrist.

"It looks good on you," she said, face close to his face. She looked so young. Or maybe Matt just felt really weary. "I made it just for you."

"Thanks, Katie," Matt said, because that's all he could think of. He didn't really say anything else but Katie sat beside him.

They didn't have study group that Sunday so everyone stuck around, hanging in the dining hall or the lounge area in the front room of the Student Activities Center. Some how Matt found himself on a couch with Katie on his lap and his stomach was growling. Katie was giggling and giggling. He wondered if she was really a witch who was about to put him in a stew.

"Oh my God, Matt!" she said, loudly. People were looking. "You are so _funny_!"

Matt couldn't remember the last time he spoke.

"I love Thanksgiving," Katie said, leaning against him, turning her face so she was looking at him at a funny angle. "It's my favorite holiday."

Matt thought about responding but then Katie leaned back even further and her lips were on his face, the corner of his mouth and then on his lips. It was funny being kissed by someone who wasn't Megan, who wasn't Anoop. In fact, Matt was pretty sure he'd been kissed more times this semester than he'd ever been kissed in his life.

Katie was arching her back and forcing her tongue in his mouth. Matt closed his eyes and tried to feel something other than too tired to stop her. She turned around and straddled his lap. Her hands were on his face. His mouth was slick from her lips and her tongue. He couldn't decide whether or not to stop her. Maybe this was something God wanted him to do. He didn't know. He never knew. That was the problem.

"Get off him, honey," Megan said. Matt opened his eyes and saw Megan pulling Katie off his lap.

"It's okay," Katie said, stumbling as she got to her feet. "We should be somewhere more private anyway." She winked at him and walked away with a big smile on her face.

Megan wasn't smiling.

"What's wrong with you, Matt?" she said. "I'm really worried about you."

Matt wiped his mouth. He didn't feel anything. He felt like he'd never really feel anything again.

"You never act like this," Megan said. "What's going on? I've barely seen you this whole week! Please talk to me. I'm not going to let this go, Matt."

Now that it was colder Matt didn't seen Megan's tattoo anymore. She was always wearing a long sleeved shirt but Matt stared at her arm anyway. She had always been so brave to be herself even though Dean Dwyer said it was against the rules, that it was against God. He wondered if God really cared about that silly stuff like tattoos. He couldn't bring himself to believe that. God was more concerned about the things that you did, the way you treated people, the person you were inside.

He wished it were that simple for God to accept the person you loved.

Matt swallowed hard. He couldn't look at her. Megan took his hands and pulled him up, gently.

"Let's go somewhere and talk," Megan said.

"I gotta go," Matt said. He yanked his hands away and pushed his way through the front doors.

It was a perfect fall evening. The leaves were changing—browns and golds and the oranges and reds he couldn't really enjoy. The air was crisp and cool, so clear that it should be bottled so people in places like LA could know what it was like to breathe actual fresh air.

This time Matt found Anoop. He was sitting in the grass near the creek. Matt didn't know why he had gone out there in the first place. He didn't spent a lot of time at the creek but something was calling him there. He thought it was God and he was ready to pray but now he realized he had gotten it wrong all over again.

"Sorry," Matt said when Anoop noticed him standing there. It was the first thing he'd said to him all week.

"Matt," Anoop said. He had a notebook in his hands as he stood up.

"Setting up your latest experiment?" Matt asked.

Anoop held up his notebook. "Song lyrics," he said. "I write them sometimes."

It was a simple blue notebook that had University of North Carolina embossed on the front. Matt didn't know Anoop wrote song lyrics. He didn't know many things about Anoop. Except how he felt about him no matter how hard he tried not to.

"It's not as good as your songs," Anoop said. "We miss you in the band."

"Is the song about how you lie to people?" Matt said. He crossed his arms. He couldn't afford to forget what happened. He had to stay mad. That was the only way he could stay away from Anoop.

"I deserve that," Anoop said. "I do, Matt. But it's not about that." He came closer and Matt froze. He didn't want Anoop to kiss him. He wanted him to kiss him. He wanted to touch Anoop but he wasn't going to. He had to fight temptation. Maybe this was a test. But they were alone and Matt missed him. He just missed him so much.

"Maybe you can look it over for me," Anoop said. "See if you have any suggestions."

Anoop held his notebook out to Matt. He knew he shouldn't take it but he did anyway. It was warm and worn in his hands. A black pen was tucked into the metal spiral spine.

"It's dark," Anoop said. "We should probably go inside."

Matt didn't say anything. He didn't watch Anoop as he walked away, back towards the dorm. It was dark, too dark to read anything now. Matt held the notebook to his chest and took a deep breath. The notebook smelled like Anoop.

He took the notebook to the music room and sat at his favorite piano. Some of Anoop's songs had music, notes shaped neatly on sheet music paper that had been stapled on top of the lined pages. Matt did his best to decipher the notes but mostly he made up his own melody to Anoop's words. He was surprised to see that the notebook wasn't just songs Anoop had written lately. They were songs that Anoop had penned years ago. Each song had the date written neatly next to the title. Matt couldn't believe Anoop had just given this to him. If he had a notebook filled with so many songs and ideas he would never let it out of his sight.

Anoop had only written two songs since coming to Gates, as far as Matt could tell. They were both unfinished. One was called "Losing My Religion" and Anoop had written _ha ha_ next to the title. Matt read the lyrics, a couple of verses and an unfinished chorus. He imagined Anoop laying on his bed at night, writing lyrics while Danny read him another bible scripture. In another life they might be writing song lyrics together, maybe even about each other. If Anoop hadn't lied.

If Matt was actually brave.

Matt turned the page and the next one was blank. He stared at it for a couple of minutes. Anoop's notebook was college rule. Matt preferred wide rule—especially if he was writing songs, he needed the extra space—but he pulled the pen out of the spine anyway.

His handwriting was much different from Anoop's, not quite as messy. He wrote until his hand ached, trying to get all the words on paper right then before they vanished right in front of his eyes. He could feel the song coursing through his body, pulsating right under his skin. He wondered if Anoop could feel it to from where ever he was. They always had the tendency to find each other.

Matt didn't know the notes so he couldn't write them down but he could hear the song in his head and he could play it. He recorded it with his iPhone when he got the nerve and lost himself in the pounding melody and complicated harmonies that put a strain on the fingers on his left hand. He didn't even realize how late it was until he checked his phone again and it was almost eleven which meant he had curfew in a half hour and he had to leave.

When he got to the elevator he pushed the button for the 5th floor. He had only been there a few times to surprise Anoop so they could sneak up to the roof together and pretend to be watching for shooting stars. Anoop and Danny's room was far from the elevator. He stood outside the door for a moment but he couldn't bring himself to knock. Instead he sent Anoop a multimedia message. He thought he could hear Anoop's iPhone chime on the other side.

The pen was still in his hand. He was about the tuck it back in the spine when he remembered he forgot one important thing. He opened the notebook and pressed it against the flat, hard surface of the wall. He added his name and the date and wrote the title, 7th Day Breakdown, in heavy letters across the top of the page just like Anoop had for all his other sings. Then he stuck the pen back in the notebook and slipped it under the door.

Matt laid in the still darkness that night, listening to Kris mumble, when his phone buzzed next to his pillow. He lifted it up to his face and the soft glow made his heart jump just the same way it did when he got those late night messages the first few times.

It was Anoop. His text only said two words. _Thank you_.

Matt smiled to himself, staring at the screen until it was blurry. He wanted to respond but that was enough for now.


	22. Chapter 22

Matt wanted to talk to Anoop about the song but he didn't know how to start. He had never written a song before about someone and then given it to them. Thinking about it the next day he thought he had to be really crazy. Anoop wasn't at breakfast. Matt was still sitting with Danny and Scott anyway. They were practicing hard for the Christmas Classic so they at dinner late and Matt didn't see Anoop for the rest of the night.

Tuesday was a crazy day with the last classes before Thanksgiving break and then more rehearsal. Matt was really looking forward to going to Kris' house, not only for the food but because he could _relax_.

Even if Anoop was going to be there.

Megan waved at him, sitting on her dufflebag on the sidewalk in front of the parking lot where they were meeting Kris' mom. She had a minivan and Matt was driving so that was enough seats.

"You look better," Megan said. Matt sat beside her on the cool concrete. "I've been worried about you. You still haven't explained what's been going on lately. Why don't you hang out with us anymore?"

Matt shrugged. Maybe he'd tell her one day but not right then. "I guess I was just having a bad week. I still hang out with you guys!"

"Matt, you quit the band," Megan said.

"I can still hang out," Matt said. He regretted that in the pit of his stomach but he couldn't fix it right now. "I don't have to be in the band for that."

"As long as you don't bring Danny around," Megan said, rolling her eyes. "I guess you don't need to be in the band to hang out with us. But why did you quit?"

Matt opened his mouth when Lil gently kicked his thigh.

"Hey y'all," she said. "Have a great Thanksgiving at Kris'. Save some of that cheesecake for me."

"No way!" Matt said. "It's all going right here." He patted his stomach with a wide grin. Lil shoved his shoulder.

"Oh stop!" she said. "When are you leaving?"

"We're supposed to leave in like 15 minutes but, like, nobody's here," Megan said, looking around. The campus was already mostly deserted. Almost everyone left Tuesday night.

"Well, my boo is just pulling up now," Lil said, pointing out her fiance who was driving up in a green Jeep. "I'll see y'all next week. Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Bye Lil," Matt called as she ran to meet him. He smiled at the huge smile Lil had on her face. When he looked over at Megan she was smiling as well.

"Were you sad over a girl?" Megan asked, raising her eyebrows. "It better not be Katie Stevens."

Matt was glad he didn't have to answer because Jason and Tim were walking over with Brooke White. Matt waved because he hadn't gotten many chances to hang out with Brooke outside of their one music class. He was looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with her.

"Hey guys!" Brooke said.

"You haven't left have you?" Didi cried, rushing up to them, holding a bag in each hand. "You're not going to leave?"

"I'm pretty sure we're all here," Matt said, looking around with a smile.

"Are you moving in?" Megan asked, raising her eyebrows at Didi's bags. Didi looked flustered as she put them down.

"I just like choices," Didi said. Matt didn't know why anyone would need more than three outfits. They were coming back on Sunday. He leaned back on his elbows carefully and looked up at the sky. It was a bright fall day. Maybe he'd ask Anoop to ride with him on the way there. They didn't have to talk but it would be nice just to be close to him again.

"It's my first Thanksgiving without my parents!" Allison said, running over to them with her stuff. "I need someone to adopt me, yo. Thanksgiving is a family holiday."

"You're my little sister, you know that!" Megan said. Matt smiled as Allison tackled her in a big hug. He realized he hadn't really been hugged in a while. It was Anoop who usually hugged him.

"Hey guys!" Katy said, appearing suddenly with her stuff. "We should make decorations tonight. What do you think?"

"Like turkeys with our hands?" Allison said. "Yeah! I want to do that!"

"I didn't realize we were going back to kindergarten," Megan said. Katy only laughed like Matt knew she would.

Mrs. Allen pulled up a few minutes later and Matt was getting nervous. He wanted to know where Anoop was. As soon as Mrs. Allen got out of the car and saw Matt she gave him the hug he'd been missing.

"So great to see you, Matt!" she said. Matt grinned. Ever since he came to Gates she'd been a second mother to him. It was nice having that kind of attention when he was far from home.

He turned around as Mrs. Allen was greeting everyone else and helping them load their stuff in the van. Kris and Anoop made their way over, slowly. Matt's heart still started beating faster whenever he saw Anoop. He didn't want that feeling to go away.

"Kris!" Mrs. Allen said when they got closer. "There you are. And this must be Anoop."

Anoop was wearing a face mask, like a surgeon or something. Matt noticed that his eyes looked tired.

"Anoop has the flu, ma," Kris said.

"Oh no!" Mrs. Allen said. "Anoop, you must feel terrible."

Anoop shrugged. "Sorry, Mrs. Allen," he said, his voice muffled and hoarse. "I just wanted to say thank you for the invite but I think I'll stay here."

"Nonsense!" Mrs. Allen said. "I'm not going to let you stay here and be sick by yourself over Thanksgiving. You're coming home with us. I'll make you some turkey soup. You can stay in Kris' room. You need someone looking after you. What kind of mother would I be if I let you stay here. Come here."

Mrs. Allen grabbed Anoop's wrist.

"I don't want to infect everyone," Anoop said.

"Nonsense. There's no arguing with me." She started leading Anoop to the car. "Kris, Matt, why don't you go to Anoop's room and get his stuff?"

Matt wanted to say something but then Kris grabbed Anoop's ID and Matt had to follow him back to the dorms.

"I told Anoop my mom was going to kidnap him," Kris said as they entered Clearwater Hall. "He thought he could stay here but nope, she wasn't going to have it. I didn't want him to stay either. It sucks to be sick."

"Yeah," Matt said. He didn't know why he felt so unsettled. Kris knocked on Anoop and Danny's door, then pushed it open. Danny had gone home so it was quiet and empty.

"What does Anoop wear?" Kris said, standing in the middle of the room, looking confused. Matt could probably tell Kris every outfit Anoop had worn since September. Instead he just went to the closet and took out a few shirts that he liked. Kris found a couple pairs of pajama pants and a pair of jeans

"It's weird handling another man's underwear," Kris whispered, like someone was around to overhear.

But Matt had handled Anoop's underwear many times so he got him some boxers out of his underwear drawer beneath his bed. Matt handed the underwear to Kris so he could put it in the bag. Kris peered at the corkboard above Anoop's desk.

"It's funny," Kris said. "Anoop's been here the whole semester and he's a really great guy but sometimes I feel like I don't really know him."

Matt looked where Kris was staring. Anoop had three pictures pinned on his corkboard. One was a picture of him with his parents, maybe a couple of years old. Another picture was a big group of guys posing, probably Anoop's old acapella group although now Matt was worried that he didn't know for sure. The last picture was just him and Anoop, a picture that Matt hadn't seen before but now that he thought about it he remembered Katy taking it randomly after some band practice. Matt was smiling too hard while Anoop looked calm with a serene smile. They weren't touching but Matt knew that he wanted to put his arm around Anoop because he always wanted to do that and he imagined that Anoop felt the same way.

"I'm glad you two are such good friends," Kris said.

Matt smiled. He was glad too. But friends would never be enough.

Anoop was settled in the front seat of Mrs. Allen's van by the time they got back and everyone was ready to go. Matt drove to Kris' house with Megan, Allison and Kris in the car. Conway was about two hours away and they listened to the radio, singing loudly the whole time. When they got to Kris' house everyone went to the big furnished basement while Mrs. Allen took Anoop upstairs.

"I just want to sleep," Megan said, spreading one of the sleeping bags out. Kris had their cards for their War game so Matt played with him while the girls talked and Jason and Tim started up a game of Rockband.

"Hey," Tim said, looking over at them. "Come on, we need a singer."

"You wanna?" Kris asked. Matt shook his head and gathered up their cards, snapping the rubber bands back on their stacks.

"You do it," Matt said. "I'll watch."

"Come over here," Katy said. She and the girls were at the pool table in the basement but they had changed it into an arts and crafts table with construction paper and makers and stickers and post it notes and glitter and glue and other stuff that Matt couldn't really identify.

"We're making Anoop a get well card," Katy said. She pointed out a poster board that had been folded in half and Allison was coloring in bubble letters with a silver sharpie. "You should help us."

Matt didn't know how much help they really needed but the card was pretty large. He took a corner and focused on drawing a rainbow because he couldn't draw that well and the rainbow was pretty simple. The markers had the color written on them. They signed their names on the inside. Matt wrote his name and added a quote underneath: _I can do all this through him who gives me strength_. He stared at the words, wondering how true they were. He could see the verse in his bible where he had highlighted it long ago. He wanted to mean it. Maybe it would mean something to Anoop too.

Katy got Jason, Kris and Tim to stop playing Rockband long enough to sign the card. Matt's heart was racing as he volunteered to go upstairs and give it to Anoop.

"Did you get your flu shot yet?" Katy asked. Matt nodded even though he hadn't. It felt like he was always lying when it came to Anoop but there wasn't much he could do about that.

Kris' room had pretty much stayed the same through the years. He had his high school diploma on the wall and his viola case was tucked in the corner. Matt had been up there occasionally whenever Kris needed to escape somebody, mostly his brother Daniel. Every time Matt was alone with Kris in his room he'd wish that something was going to happen. Kris would look at him from over the bedspread and close his eyes. It was a fantasy Matt had perfected over the years. Now he was going up there to pine for someone new.

Anoop was asleep when Matt finally got the nerve to push open the door, curled up on his side. He looked like he'd once been tucked in under the covers but now they were all over the place, only covering the lower half of Anoop's body. There was a glass of water on the nightstand next to the bed. Anoop's bag was on the floor at the foot of Kris' bed. Matt wanted to wake him up so they could have a conversation but now wasn't the time.

He set the card against the wall. It stood up like it was a science project, ready to be displayed on an easel. There wasn't any other reason for him to be in there but Matt stayed. Anoop was wearing on of his many UNC t-shirts and he seemed to be breathing kind of fast. Sweat dotted his forehead but when Matt looked closer he noticed that Anoop was shaking. Was he cold? Was he dying? Matt pulled the covers up around Anoop's shoulders because he didn't think that could hurt. Anoop sighed and Matt froze. Maybe he really was hurting him.

"Noop?" Matt said, softly. He placed his hand on Anoop's forehead. His skin was so warm, like touching a hot water bottle. The covers didn't seem like a good idea anymore. Matt wiped his hand on his jeans.

"We made you a card," Matt said. He sat on the edge of the bed. "So you'll feel better. I heard it's got special healing powers in it. You know it's true, Katy was in charge of everything. If anyone can put special healing powers in something, she can." Matt smiled at his own babbling. He reached over and rubbed Anoop's side gently through the covers.

"I--" Matt started but he wasn't sure what he was going to say. "Anoop..." He trailed off again and then he whispered to himself, "I've really missed being with you. I miss you so much."

He sat there for a long while, just listening to Anoop breathe. Matt hadn't really gotten to watch him sleep like he imagined he would. That night had been ruined.

Now it seemed like he had a second chance, even if Anoop was sick. He wanted that second chance because as much as he prayed, as much as he tried to be anything other than who he really was, he couldn't help thinking that maybe this was meant to be. God sent Anoop to his school for a reason and maybe it was because they were supposed to be together.

Matt couldn't get away from that thought.

But it could just be another fantasy, like Kris was, something that was never going to really happen. Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling confused all over again. He leaned down and kissed Anoop's temple. Anoop started coughing and then he rolled over. He opened his eyes, laying on his back and staring Matt right in the face.

"What are you doing in my room?" Anoop said.

"I didn't--" Matt said. He stood up quickly, wondering if he got everything wrong, if that was just the way he was. "I was just bringing you a card, Noop. I'll leave."

"I prayed for you," Anoop said. Then he closed his eyes again like he'd never opened them. Matt stood there, frozen, for a few moments until it was obvious that Anoop was fast asleep once again. He left, closing the door, carefully.

"How's our patient?" Katy asked when he made it back down to the basement. They were watching a movie on the flat screen now. Everyone looked over at him.

"He's..." Matt paused, trying to think of the right word. "Loopy."

Matt sat on the floor, beside Megan, but really he was a little ways away from anyone. Anoop's words kept running through Matt's mind. _I prayed for you_. He wondered if it was true or if it was just a fever-induced hallucination. Matt hoped it was true. He could use all the prayer he could get. Most of all, he just wanted Anoop to think about him, sometimes.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Truth," Matt said, without thinking. Then he was sort of disappointed in himself because truth was boring._
> 
> _"All right," Kris said. "Are you in love with someone right now?"_
> 
> _Kris' question caught him by surprise. But the answer didn't._

They had pizza for dinner. Matt figured it was an American tradition on Thanksgiving Eve if someone was lucky enough. He could hear Mrs. Allen moving around upstairs. They'd offered to help earlier, like they always did, and Mrs. Allen declined, like she always did. She told them to relax.

Matt sort of felt like he was in middle school, only better, as he sat cross legged on the floor and ate his way through four slices of of pepperoni pizza from a local joint in Conway that they ordered from every time. Matt only got to eat this pizza once a year so he made the most of it.

"Who's eating my crust?" Megan said, offering her plate up. Matt had to fight Tim for it but it was worth it.

Along with the pizza they had the chips and crackers and cheese and cookies and other assorted goodies they had been munching on all day. Matt laid on his back after he was down pigging out and put his hands on his stomach, sighing loudly.

"Oh my," he said. "I think I'm gonna pop!"

"Thanksgiving is tomorrow you pig!" Allison said, throwing a nerf ball at him. Kris had everything in his basement. It was kind of ridiculous.

"That's tomorrow," Matt said. "This is tonight."

"Live in the moment," Megan said. "Right, Matt?"

"Right," Matt said. He'd never really believed in that philosophy before but at that moment it didn't sound so bad.

"Live in the 30 thousand calories," Brooke said with a smile on her face. Matt threw the ball at her, missing by a mile. Everyone laughed. Matt was feeling good as well as full and it felt good to feel good. He always wanted to feel good.

"Let's put on our pajamas," Katy said, standing up in the middle of the room. "And we can have the root beer floats now. Guys, you go get the float stuff from the kitchen and we'll change. Don't come back downstairs until we say you can!"

"More food?" Matt said. He held up his hands. "Help me up."

Kris took one hand and Tim took the other and they hauled him to his feet. Matt followed them up the stairs, Jason traveling behind.

"We are out numbered," Kris said as they walked into the kitchen. The Allens had a really nice house. When Kris flipped on the light in the kitchen Matt saw it was nice and clean with so many cabinets. Matt didn't know how Kris knew where anything was.

"We need Anoop so he can help us out with those girls." Kris handed off glasses and showed Tim where to get the root beer from the fridge. "They're walking all over us. Pajama time."

"And we can't even watch," Jason said. Kris gave him the spoons.

"I bet the next thing they do is facials," Tim said. "Like those face masks you have to peel off with a spatula. How do they do that?"

"They're girls," Kris said. "Most things they do are unexplainable."

"I wonder if they are done changing..." Jason said, edging his way back to basement door.

"Yeah, let Katy catch you if they aren't," Matt said. "I bet it'll be a very bloody death!"

"She is vicious, isn't she?" Jason said.

"Uh, yeah," Kris said. He caught Matt's eye and they both laughed.

"Vanilla and chocolate ice cream for the floats?" Tim said, with the freezer open. Matt grabbed the root beer while Time got the the ice cream. Kris arranged glasses on a large tray. "Your mom is too much, Kris."

"Like I said," Kris said. "Two kids will never be enough. She loves you guys more. It's okay. I'm used to it. If it were just me at home I'd never get the good A&amp;W root beer. She'd buy store brand."

"Life is so hard, Kris!" Matt said. "Store brand. How ever did you live?"

"Let me just say," Kris said, looking up from the tray at everyone. They had the ingredients ready to go. "I'm glad you guys are around. A&amp;W is simply the best."

"Okay!" Katy called. "You guys can come back down here. We want floats."

"Take a deep breath, boys," Kris said. "Let's go."

He led the way. Matt didn't understand girls and their pajamas. It was like a whole other outfit but for going to bed. Allison had on a black tank top and some wild patterned shorts. Didi was wearing a floor length nightgown. Katy and Brooke each had pajama pants and t-shirts that seemed like they were meant to go together. Megan's nightgown was short and sort of sheer. Matt stared at her for a moment.

"What?" Megan said, giving Matt a look of her own. Matt held his hands up in the air innocently. The root beer float essentials were waiting on the long table in the back of the basement.

"When do we change into our pajamas?" Tim asked.

"Use the bathroom," Katy said, pointing innocently. "Okay, how much ice cream do you want? I'm scooping!"

Matt got a lot of ice cream even though he was still really full. He pretty much planned on being a pig the entire weekend. He scooped up the foam on top and licked it off his spoon. He wondered how much ice cream Anoop would want if he were with them. Probably not a lot but then again Anoop could be very surprising.

He slurped his float until Didi said, "Matt, can you _please_\--" and then he used his straw. Kris waved the war cards in his air. Matt shrugged. They'd really neglected the game that semester. He was about to scoot over to Kris when Megan announced, "Truth or dare."

"Oh, snap," Allison said.

"I haven't played this in a while," Brooke said. They all sat on the floor in a big circle.

"I've only played with my brothers and sisters," Tim said. "One time I had to eat a whole jar of peanut butter. I almost didn't survive the night."

"I've got more up my sleeve than peanut butter," Megan said, with a wink.

Matt couldn't remember the last time he played truth or dare himself but he was ready. All the food made him feel relaxed and loose. It was better than when he'd been sort of drunk at the club. He felt more like he had when he was laying on the bed with Anoop on top of him and they were just kissing for that really long time. He felt pretty happy.

"Who's going to start?" Katy asked.

"The girl who's gotten engaged," Megan said. "That's you."

"Okay," Katy said, pleasantly. "Jason, truth or dare?"

"Truth," Jason said. Matt made a face. Truth was always a little boring.

"Okay," Katy said. "Here's your question. Have you ever been high?"

Matt snickered. There was always a running rumor about whether or not Jason liked to toke up in the bushes or something. It was mostly because he was so laid back and he wore his head in dreads but Matt was curious. After all, most rumors were rooted in truth.

"Once," Jason said. "I was in Guatemala on a mission trip. It was last summer. We spent a day in the woods and some of the locals had us try these mushrooms. So..."

"Oh my God," Allison said. "They got you high?!"

Jason shrugged.

"If it wasn't the mushrooms then maybe the frogs we licked did it."

Everyone started cracking up. Matt remembered that mission trip. He should have gone.

"Megan," Jason said. "Truth or dare?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Megan asked, sitting up a bit straighter. "Dare, of course."

"Now I have to think of something," Jason said. "Uh... I dare you to lick ice cream off of Didi's stomach."

"What!" Didi shrieked. "I am not part of this dare!"

"Oh, it's just a dare," Megan said. She got up to get the ice cream.

"I will not _expose_ myself for this!" Didi insisted.

"We're seen your stomach," Megan said. Matt couldn't remember a time where he had seen Didi's stomach but he was willing to take Megan's word for it.

"This is not fair," Didi said. She laid down anyway and pulled up her nightgown up just enough to see her stomach. She was wearing shorts underneath. Megan dropped a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream on Didi's flat stomach. Didi shivered, her pale, flat stomach contracting noticeably. Matt couldn't help holding his breath. The Megan leaned over, blonde hair falling in her face and nearly blocking his view, and licked the ice cream off Didi's stomach. Matt could see her pink tongue pressing against Didi's body. He had to admit it was kind of hot.

"I'll warm you right up, darling!" Megan said cheerfully.

"Don't tell anyone about that," Didi said, pulling her nightgown down again as she sat up.

"Great dare," Tim said, grinning entirely too hard.

"My turn," Megan said. "This is for Kris. Truth or dare?"

Kris was chewing on his straw. This would have been something fascinating for Matt to watch only a couple months ago. Now he just glanced at him and then focused on Megan again. She was still licking her lips.

"Okay," Kris said, like that was an answer. "I'll go with dare."

"I've got a dare for you." Megan grinned at him, wickedly. "I dare you to kiss Katy."

"No!" Practically everyone yelled. Matt laughed as Kris blushed head to toe.

"You can't dare something that'll break a vow to God," Didi said. Katy just raised her eyebrows.

"I am wondering," Katy said. "And we haven't even set a date."

"It's a joke, don't worry," Megan said. "Unless you're going to do it."

Kris looked back at Katy. They stared at each other for a few moments. Then Kris slapped his hand to his lips and blew Katy an exaggerated kiss.

"Oh!" Katy said, pretending to catch the kiss at her heart. "That felt good."

"What is going on here!" Brooke said. They were laughing for a little bit before Megan went on with her dare.

"Since you guys can't do _anything_ before you're married I think it's only fair that Katy gets to know something about what she's got to work with," Megan said. "Kris, I dare you to get naked, right here, right now."

"I've never seen a guy naked!" Allison said.

"Close your eyes," Megan said.

The other girls were giggling, except for Didi who looked somewhat horrified. Jason had already turned away.

"You don't have to do it, Kris," Didi said. "It's just a stupid game."

"Okay," Kris said. Matt stared up at him in amazement as he stood up. Kris began taking off his clothes. Didi covered her eyes. Jason had his back to the group. Tim was smiling at everyone. Megan tried to grab Allison but she scooted away.

"I'm gonna watch!" Allison said.

Katy smiled like it wasn't a big deal that her boyfriend was getting naked in front of everyone. Brooke looked thrilled by the whole thing.

"Take it all off," Brooke shouted. Kris wiggled his hips as he dropped his pants.

"It's all coming off," Megan said. "Look away, Allison."

"No, son," Allison said. "Why do you guys get to have all the fun?"

"Here I go," Kris said. He shimmied his way out of his boxers and then stood there with his hands on his hips. Matt had seen him naked before but it was always quick glances so he could stop himself from openly staring at him. But Kris had gotten naked in front of them for their viewing pleasure so Matt took some time to look. He definitely liked everything Kris had to offer but his thoughts strayed to Anoop and how he had spent all that time just looking at him and touching him and tasting him everywhere. He wanted to memorize him. He hoped he'd still have the chance.

"I like what I see," Katy said with a grin on her face. "I think Kris and I are going to have a lot of fun."

Matt hooted along with everyone else. Jason threw a pillow at Kris and told him to stop posing. It still took a few moments for Kris to put his clothes back on. If Matt didn't know better he'd say that Kris liked showing off. He definitely didn't have anything to be ashamed of.

"That was liberating," Kris said, fully dressed again.

"Are you suggesting we all get naked?" Megan said. "And have a big orgy?"

"Well, I have a question," Allison spoke up. "For people who _can_ kiss before marriage. I know you can kiss but what exactly counts as sex? Cause I know we're supposed to save ourselves."

"What have you and David been doing, young lady?" Megan said, raising her eyebrows but she was smiling.

"This is not appropriate conversation!" Didi said.

"Don't go below the waist," Kris said. "I think that's the general rule."

"Oral sex is sex," Tim said, helpfully.

"Can we _please_ talk about something else!" Didi shrieked.

"Matt," Kris said, calmly. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," Matt said, without thinking. Then he was sort of disappointed in himself because truth was boring.

"All right," Kris said. "Are you in love with someone right now?"

Kris' question caught him by surprise. But the answer didn't.

"Yes," Matt said. Then he grinned. He couldn't help it. He'd always been sure, even when he was so mad, even before Anoop said it first, but it was even better to say it out loud. Yes, he was in love.

"Wait, what?" Megan said. "Who? Please don't say Katie Stevens. Who could you possibly be in love with? Who is it? This is like a relationship, right? It's not saying you're in love with God."

"I'm in love with somebody," Matt said. He felt like he was making an announcement about the most important thing in his life. "I'm in love."

"Who, Matt?" Katy asked quietly. She looked very serious. He wanted to tell them so badly. Then he and Anoop could hang out with them and hold hands or sit in each other's lap just like Kris and Katy. If Anoop wanted to do that. He didn't think Anoop was that kind of guy. But the point was they _could_ if everyone knew, if they weren't always in hiding.

But everyone didn't know.

"Does she go to our school?" Allison asked. "I never see you with anyone, yo."

"Love is so great," Brooke said.

"Katie talks about you all the time," Tim said. "So you better tell her if you're taken."

"Kris didn't ask who," Matt pointed out. They all groaned but Matt knew he was going to hold his ground.

He couldn't tell them, not yet. But he hoped he would be able to tell Anoop very soon.

*

Mrs. Allen had the table set and the food ready to go by one o'clock in the afternoon on Thanksgiving. Matt skipped breakfast and he'd been smelling the food all morning so he was really hungry. His stomach was practically dancing with delight as they all lined up around the table, standing behind their seats to pray before they sat down.

Katy's parents were also there along with Kris' grandparents on both sides. Matt didn't know how there was room for all of them but they fit around but the dinning room table. It was fun looking around at everyone all dressed up. Megan had a really pretty dress on. Matt hoped he was just as worthy in his white shirt and black slacks. He even had a tie that took him 15 minutes to knot.

Anoop came downstairs with a wry smile on his face. He was dressed in jeans and a button down shirt and he looked like it was all he could do to keep standing upright.

"Oh, come here," Katy said, reaching out for Anoop. He stood between Katy and Megan at the table which was across from Matt, who was standing with the guys. He wanted to catch Anoop's eye but Anoop was staring at all the food on the table.

"I think everyone's here," Mrs. Allen said. "Kris, why don't you go ahead and say grace."

"Father," Kris said. Kris took his hand and squeezed it. Matt couldn't help smiling as he bowed his head and listened to Kris' words. "It's Thanksgiving and I have a lot of thanks to give. Thank you for the continued good health and success of my family and my great friends. Except for Anoop, I don't think you were too nice to him right now."

Everyone laughed. Matt was pretty sure Anoop was laughing too.

"Every day I find something new to be grateful for," Kris continued. "I know that as long as I follow in your image that my life will be the way it was meant to be. I hope our lives continue to change for the better. Thank you, God, for your help as my friends and I graduate college and find our place in the world. And thanks for your help for our other friends who are still making their way through. Thank you for keeping my family safe and everyone else's families too. With your grace and your understanding we can make it through anything. Amen."

"Amen," Matt echoed along with everyone else.

"Let's have a seat," Mrs. Allen said. "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Matt's mouth was watering as they passed the food around the table. Kris' dad cut the turkey into neat slices. It was one of the juiciest turkeys that Matt had ever had. Going for seconds wasn't even a question. There was a lot of eating but there was also a lot of noise as everyone was talking. Matt got into a heated debate with Tim about the merits of dark meat versus white meat. He glanced over at Anoop while he was eating. Anoop was quiet with barely any food on his plate but at least he wasn't falling over or doing anything gross at the table. Matt needed some time alone with him but it wasn't going to happen at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

They sat there for at least an hour before everyone started getting up. Matt literally couldn't move for a while or he would explode.

"Mrs. Allen," Matt said while she was clearing plates. "Thank you. This was so good, like always. In fact, I think it was even better!"

"Thank you, Matt," Mrs. Allen said. "There's plenty left over. I want you guys to eat it all before you leave."

"You can count on me!" Matt said.

Matt spend some more time eating and chatting. When he glanced around the table again mostly everyone was gone, including Anoop. Matt helped Kris and Tim clear the rest of the table. Mrs. Allen showed them how she put everything into Tupperware containers. Matt made a note of where the sweet potato casserole was. He could also see all the desserts lining the kitchen counters and the ones in the back of fridge. He needed to digest this dinner fast.

Kris, Tim and Jason stayed upstairs to watch football but Matt didn't care about that. He headed back down to the basement to see what the girls were doing. He was surprised to see that Anoop was down there, lounging on a makeshift bed made from a bunch of blankets and sleeping bags.

"We're helping Anoop feel a little better," Katy said, looking over at Matt. "With a little pampering."

"We're giving him a makeover!" Allison announced. Matt focused on Anoop. He was laying on his side and looked too sick to move as Brooke filed the nails on his left hand.

"Does this really help?" Matt said. He wanted to help Anoop but things were still a little weird between them and Matt was no match for these girls.

"Of course it does," Megan said. "I'm going to give Anoop this cleansing face mask that will clear all the flu toxins from his body."

"As long as I don't have to move," Anoop said. He rolled over on his back and closed his eyes, seemingly resigned to whatever torture they had in store for him. Matt shook his head. Poor Anoop didn't have a fighting chance.

"Want to join us?" Brooke asked, holding up her nail file. Matt shook his head.

"No," Matt said. "I'm good. Don't you need consent for things like that?"

"Not these things," Megan said. "Now if we were going to go below the waist..." She gave Matt a teasing grin.

"He has such nice hands," Brooke said. "His fingers are really long. Where's the clear nail polish?"

"I forgot my regular clear," Katy said. She had a case in front of her full of nail polish. Matt peered into it and it looked like she had all the colors of the world in there. He didn't know how she could forget clear.

"But there's this pink-ish clear one," Katy said. "It's very close. Or clear glitter. Or black. What do you think?"

"Glitter!" Didi and Allison said at the same time. This was a very bad idea. Matt winced as Brooke uncapped the bottle Katy handed her.

"Pink-ish clear," Katy said.

"You do have remover in there, right?" Matt asked. Anoop didn't flinch as Brooke began to paint his nails. He seemed to be fast asleep.

"He's so sick," Katy said. "Having the flu sucks. I hope we don't catch it."

"Anoop's hair is so thick," Didi said. She had a brush in her hand. "Feel it."

Katy reached over and ran her fingers through Anoop's hair. Matt knew how it felt. He knew it well.

"I love his hair," Katy said. "Kris' hair can get sort of greasy. I don't think he washes it enough, honestly."

"Imagine being Anoop's girlfriend," Brooke said. "I think he would be really nice, like, attentive to you. He seems sensitive. From what I can tell. He'd listen and do nice things."

"Yeah, and like you said, Brooke, look at those hands!" Megan said. She was giving Anoop a tattoo on his arm with a sharpie. "That's what I'm thinking about. Imagine what he could do with those." Megan raised her eyebrows. "And his lips."

"That is a nice image," Brooke said.

Megan puckered her lips, then stuck out her tongue and laughed. Even Katy looked a little smitten.

"He is really good looking," Katy said.

"You shouldn't talk about him like that," Didi said. "He's right there!"

"He's passed out!" Megan said.

"I hope we're not making you too uncomfortable, Matt," Brooke said. Everyone focused on him once again. Matt hadn't felt uncomfortable until that moment. He was thinking about what Anoop's hands and lips could do, too. But unlike the girls he actually had personal experience. He was dying to experience that again, hopefully very soon.

"No," Matt said. "I wasn't even listening."

"We think you're hot too, Matt," Megan said, grinning at him. "It's just we've had a chance to talk about you for four years. Anoop is fresh meat! And he's _very_ tender."

"He must have someone at home," Brooke said. "There's no way he can really be single. He just keeps things under wraps. He's private."

"There's going to be quite a celebration," Megan said. She crawled over to Matt and gave him a peck on the cheek. "You're so cute, Matt." She put his arms around him. It was nice to hug her but he wished he was hugging Anoop more.

"How do they look?" Brooke asked, holding up Anoop's hand. She started working on his other one.

"Looks like they're ready to do some damage," Megan said.

"Maybe he could give David a few pointers," Allison said.

"Slow your roll, girl," Megan said.

"I don't mean _that_," Allison said. "But I'm sick of always making the first move!"

"Just give it some time," Brooke said. "You're both young. You don't have to rush."

"Unlike me," Megan said. "The clock is tick-tocking. And I thought I wasn't alone in being completely alone but apparently Matt has a secret girlfriend. Come on! What is up with that, Matthew Scott Giraud?"

Matt couldn't help smiling as he shook his head. "It's confidential," he said.

"She's even got him busting out those fancy words," Megan said. "This is too much. Since when? How long have you been in love?"

"I thought you two had a thing," Allison said.

"I don't even know what that was!" Megan said. "I guess it was just for fun."

Matt tried to think about when he first loved Anoop. It already felt like he had loved him for a long time, even when he didn't really know it.

"We're going to get to the bottom of this, Matt," Katy said. She had been working on Anoop's face mask and now she was pulling it off. It was kind of freaky so Matt had to look away. He wished that he and Anoop were alone. He'd curl up beside him and pet Anoop's hair nicely. It really was nice, thick and soft.

"This face mask is amazing," Katy said, patting Anoop's face with a damp paper towel when she was done. "We all have to try it next. You in, Matt?"

"No," Matt said. He glanced up the stairs. "I'm about to go watch football."

Megan laughed. "Matt, you're hilarious. Football. Like you care." She scooted back over to Anoop to finish her creation on his arm. It was a cool design with lines and stars and circles and stuff. Matt didn't understand it but it looked good.

"We could do your nails next," Brooke said. She capped the nail polish. Matt hid his hands and shook his head.

"Oh come on," Megan said, looking up from Anoop's arm. "It's really fun."

Matt stared down at his hands. He did have a couple of hangnails.

"Girls!" Mrs. Allen called down to them. "Matt. We're going to have dessert now. Come on up!"

Anoop woke up then and started coughing. He looked around with a sigh.

"I think I'm going to go to bed," he said. He got up slowly and then trudged up the stairs. Matt wondered how long it would take him to discover his new nails or his tattoo.

"Anoop is missing the cheesecake," Katy said as they all got up.

Matt jumped to his feet. He'd forgotten about the legendary cheesecake too. He ran up the steps and found Kris there already cutting a big slice out of the cheesecake.

"That better be for me!" Matt said.

"You snooze, you lose, Matt," Kris said. "Every man to himself when it comes to dessert."

Matt did manage to get a slice and a bunch of other desserts too, some he didn't even know the name of but they looked really good. Everyone sat in the living room for the big football game of the evening, eating their various desserts. Kris sat beside Matt on the couch, close, practically leaning on him even though Katy wasn't too far away, talking about stuff with the girls. It was moments like this that Matt used to think about late at night, when he was alone, when he needed to remind himself of the little things in life that made him feel good. Now he had someone else in mind. But Kris' head against his arm was still pretty nice.

* 

The plan was to wake up early for Black Friday but Matt slept in. When he woke up for good around ten the house was completely quiet. There was a note that said everyone had gone shopping. Matt wasn't sorry he missed it. He took a shower, got dressed and had some pumpkin pie and turkey for breakfast. It was nice having the house to himself. Kris' house was like a second home so he didn't feel awkward as he flipped channels on the TV in the living room.

Then he realized that he wasn't alone.

When he opened the door to Kris' room Anoop was awake. He looked at Matt.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," Matt said, standing in the doorway.

"You're talking to me now?" Anoop said. He covered his mouth as he started coughing. He looked better but he still didn't look very good.

"Hi, Noop," Matt said, again.

"I don't even know what day it is," Anoop said. He rubbed his eyes.

"It's Friday," Matt said. He could answer questions like that.

"I feel like I've been dead for two days," Anoop said. Matt stepped inside the room and locked the door.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I feel like shit," Anoop said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I feel like shit about everything, Matt."

Matt sat on the edge of the bed. He reached out and placed the back of his hand on Anoop's forehead.

"You're warm," Matt said. "Do you want some water?"

Anoop shook his head. Matt got up to get him some water anyway. He filled a glass with ice in the kitchen and then added a straw. He didn't know why this was so hard. All he wanted was to be with Anoop. So why was he hesitating?

He went back to the room and gave Anoop his water. Anoop did drink some of it before he put the glass down on the table.

"I don't want you to get sick," Anoop said, turning his head to cough.

"I don't care," Matt said. He got on the bed, on top of the covers, and sat beside Anoop.

"How was Thanksgiving?" Anoop asked. His voice was hoarse. Matt wondered if his throat hurt.

"It was great," Matt said. "I ate a lot. You were there, Anoop."

Anoop shook his head. "I was really out of it."

Matt decided not to break the news about Anoop's unsolicited makeover just yet. Instead he scooted a little closer and put his arm around Anoop. His heart beat a little faster as Anoop rested his head on Matt's chest. He rubbed Anoop's arm.

"I want you to feel better," Matt said. He kissed Anoop's hair.

"Me too," Anoop said with a sigh. "I don't feel good at all. I haven't felt like this in forever."

"I'm sorry, Noop," Matt said. He wrapped his arms around Anoop and held him a little tighter. "I'm sorry," Matt repeated, whispering the words into Anoop's hair. There was a time when he honestly felt like he wasn't going to talk to Anoop again. That obviously didn't last long.

"I love your song," Anoop said. "I listen to it every day."

"Really?" Matt said, his heart lifting a little. "I wrote it... I mean, it's about you."

"I love it," Anoop said. "Nobody's ever written me a song before."

"I was angry at you," Matt said. "So I guess it helped me be a little less angry. I was really mad, Noop. Really really mad."

"Are you still mad?" Anoop asked, softly.

"I don't know," Matt said, honestly. "But I miss you, Noop. I just can't stop feeling the way that I do."

"I can't stop it either," Anoop said. "I don't want to. And I've felt like this for a long time. Felt like this for you."

"Yeah, but how much..." Matt paused, trying to think of the best way to say this. "How much of it is real feelings for me and how much is it... when did you actually start liking me and it wasn't part of your experiment?"

"Matt," Anoop said, wearily. "It wasn't an experiment." He started coughing again. Matt rubbed his back until he was able to speak.

He started over. "It wasn't an experiment," Anoop said again. "I liked you. From when I met you I just... I haven't felt that way about too many guys, Matt. That wasn't the... that wasn't something I had to fake. What my project did was it gave me the courage to do something about it. Or not the courage but... I mean, I had a reason to be bold. I told myself it was for my research but it was really for me. Matt, I wasn't kidding when I said I'd never been with a guy before. I know it's pretty much impossible at Gates but it's not easy being into guys at UNC either."

Matt stared down at Anoop as he closed his eyes. He wanted to kiss Anoop on the lips but instead he kissed him on the bridge of his nose. Anoop opened his eyes with a small smile.

"My thesis was pretty much shot by the second month," Anoop said. "See, if you're going to write something like that you've got to be objective. There was no way I could be objective."

Matt didn't know what to say. So many things were running through his mind. He just held Anoop a little tighter.

"But what about you?" Anoop said. "How much... how much of this is real for you and how much is just that I'm a second place substitute for Kris?"

"What?" Matt said, because that hadn't occurred to him before. "You're not a substitute for anything."

"I know you wanted to be with him," Anoop said. "Maybe I'm just more convenient."

"No way," Matt said. Now he felt guilty. Maybe they had been using each other at first but everything was so different now. "Don't feel like that Anoop. I liked you. Even with Kris. I mean, it's not the same as him. I thought I loved him but it's not the same. I love you, Noop."

"I love you, too," Anoop said. He reached for the back of Matt's head and for a moment Matt was scared and thrilled that Anoop would kiss him. But Anoop only pulled him closer so their foreheads were touching.

"Does God love me?" Matt whispered.

"Of course," Anoop said, with a confidence that Matt feared he would never have. "He always will."

"It's wrong," Matt said. "What we're doing is against _everything_..."

"I don't know, Matt," Anoop said, slowly. "I listen every time we're in church. I listen in our classes and to everyone's discussions about the bible. I can't believe that God would just turn his back on you, Matt. It can't be that black and white."

"I don't know," Matt repeated. "I've prayed about it so hard for so long, Noop. I don't get any answers. I just don't know if I can hear God so I don't know what he's saying to me. I tried not to feel this way about any guy but it doesn't work. I want to love you, Noop. I do, I really do. I just wish it was easier." Matt gave Anoop a sad smile. "Are you sure you can't turn into a girl?" They both laughed a little. Matt felt a little better.

"Maybe it's not supposed to be easy," Anoop said. "Is that what God's telling you?"

"I can't make it go away," Matt said. "So does that mean I'm weak? Or does that mean... that it's okay?"

"Maybe he's waiting for you to decide," Anoop said. "Maybe that's what you have to listen for."

"I don't know, Noop," Matt said. "I don't know."

They didn't say anything for a while after that. It was nice just holding Anoop even if he was sweaty or coughing dryly. He rubbed Anoop's back lightly as Anoop dozed off. Maybe Anoop was right.

Maybe he just had to accept it for himself.

Matt wanted to pray but he felt like just holding Anoop for a while and not thinking about anything but the way Anoop felt in his arms.

* 

Kris had a TV in his room and Matt turned to the Discovery channel. They were playing a few shark week shows that he'd missed the first time around. It was mid-afternoon and nobody was home. Matt wandered downstairs to get the last of the cheesecake. When he came back to Kris' room the commercials were over and Anoop was awake.

"When was the last time you ate something?" Matt asked.

"I don't wanna eat," Anoop said. "I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat something!" Matt insisted. "You always have to eat to keep your strength up. That's what my mom always said. Mrs. Allen would say it too."

"I just feel gross," Anoop said, making a face. "Like nauseous."

"That's because you have an empty stomach!" Matt said. He showed Anoop his plate of cheesecake. "You have to try this at least. It's the best cheesecake you'll ever eat. I'm serious, Noop. You can't go back to school without trying it. This is the very last piece. I got it for you. Red velvet cheesecake. An Allen specialty. It tastes just like red velvet cake but it's a cheesecake. Anoop, I've had wet dreams about this stuff. Come on."

Anoop laughed but covered his mouth when Matt tried to give him a bite. Matt couldn't resist eating most of it but by the end of the shark week episode he tried again.

"Just a little bit," Matt said. "I promise you won't regret it."

"Matt," Anoop said. "I'll seriously puke if I eat that."

"It'll be worth it!" Matt said. "I bet it tastes as good coming up. You'll get to experience it twice!"

Anoop stared at him for a moment and then they both cracked up. Matt held his fork out again and this time Anoop allowed him to feed the cheesecake to him.

"Wow," Anoop said, raising his eyebrows. "This is good."

Matt generously let Anoop have the rest which was only a few bites but he didn't know if he'd ever be able to have Mrs. Allen's cheesecake again since this was his last Thanksgiving weekend in college. Matt couldn't help but sigh.

"I'm really going to miss that cheesecake," Matt said.

"Here," Anoop said, leaning toward him. Matt accepted the fact that he was probably infected and kissed Anoop on the lips which was sort of gross but also sweet and he did taste like the cheesecake which was an added bonus. Matt licked his lips afterward and smiled.

"Maybe you'll feel better tomorrow," Matt said. "Adam gave us comp tickets to his Rent show."

"I'd like to see that," Anoop said. "I'll try."

"He plays Angel," Matt said. "That's the girl, right? I wonder how he looks like as a girl."

"Pretty awesome, I bet," Anoop said. Matt gave him a look. Anoop just coughed and shrugged.

"Hey," Matt said, standing up. He grabbed Kris' guitar case from his closet. It was one of his old high school guitars and it was somehow dusty even though it had been inside the case.

"I'm going to serenade you," Matt said. He plucked a string. It made an awful sound that he was pretty sure wasn't music. Anoop flinched.

"I'm not too good with this," Matt said. He sat on the edge of Kris' bed and tried again. This time he got off a few notes that didn't sound terrible.

"Yeah, I couldn't tell," Anoop said. Matt hit him with a pillow.

"I'm trying to make you feel better," Matt said. "Listen. What should I play?"

"The fabulous songs that you practice with Promises," Anoop said.

"Hardy har har," Matt said, rolling his eyes.

"Pretty extreme to quit the band just to stay away from me," Anoop said.

"I was mad at you!" Matt said. He tried another couple of chords on the guitar. "Promises isn't so bad."

"Well, you're welcome back any time," Anoop said. "David is good but he's not you. Besides, he blushes really hard whenever we practice 'Satisfaction'."

Matt grinned. "I can't get no--" he sang, playing chords that actually had nothing to do with the song. "Satisfaction. I can't get no... Satisfaction. I can't get no..." He made his way through half the song, at least as far as he could remember, when he noticed that Anoop wasn't saying anything.

"Okay, it's not that bad," Matt said. "I know I'm not good but..."

Anoop didn't move. Matt took a closer look at his face and the quickly grabbed Kris' trashcan. He handed it to Anoop who threw up into it.

"Oh," Matt said, rubbing Anoop's back. "Do you feel better now, Noop?"

Anoop didn't answer. He just threw up again. Then he got off the bed and hurried to the bathroom that was connected to Kris' room, slamming the door. Matt stared after him.

"It wasn't that bad," Matt said to himself. He played the guitar for a couple more minutes before he put it away. He knocked on the bathroom door after a few minutes.

"Noop?" he called. "I wouldn't have given you the cheesecake and played the guitar for you if I knew it would make you that sick."

He waited until he heard the toilet flush. Then he let himself inside. Anoop was rinsing his mouth out at the sink.

"You're right," he said, looking at Matt in the mirror over the sink. "The cheesecake did taste good coming up."

Matt snorted. Anoop covered his face with his hands, leaning over the sink.

"I am miserable," Anoop said. At least he had cleaned out the trashcan. Matt sat on the edge of the bathtub.

"You need to take a bath," Matt said. "It'll make you feel better. Come on."

He leaned over and fiddled with the faucets so he could turn the bathwater on. Matt filled the bathtub while Anoop brushed his teeth. He put some bath gel in there too to make bubbles. Of course it was a good chance to watch Anoop get naked again. He still looked just as good as Matt remember, even if he was sick.

"What are we going to do when you go back to UNC?" Matt asked, once Anoop was in the bathtub. He used a washcloth and washed Anoop's back.

"I don't want to think about that right now," Anoop said. "I already don't feel good."

Matt smiled sadly and kissed Anoop's temple. It was so nice just to feel close to him again, even if he was sick and sort of gross. Matt didn't mind it. He rubbed Anoop's back with the washcloth. He had a really smooth back and the water was warm.

"Look at your eyes," Anoop said.

Matt blinked, widening his eyes after a moment. Then he laughed. "I can't see my eyes, Noop," he said.

"They're really.." Anoop said. "I love looking at them."

Matt didn't know what to say. His heart was just beating faster. He didn't know it was possible to feel this much in love. It felt sort of overwhelming. He moved the washcloth to Anoop's chest, feeling his hard nipples as he moved his hand across them. Anoop was quiet too but that was okay. He hoped that Anoop was feeling so many different good things, just like he was.

"What is this?" Anoop asked, suddenly, staring down at his arm. Matt had forgotten about Megan's handiwork.

"The girls gave you a makeover while you were passed out yesterday," Matt said. "Does your face feel exceptionally smooth?"

Anoop shook his head. "I don't want to know," he said.

"The tattoo looks nice," Matt said. "It's very... Megan."

"Yeah, but it's on my body," Anoop said.

"It'll wash off," Matt said. He scrubbed at the sharpie tattoo for a while. It didn't budge.

"One day," Matt added. "And they put some kinda clear polish on your nails."

"My nails?" Anoop said, looking at his hands. "What did they do?"

"They said a manicure would make you feel better!" Matt said. They both laughed.

"I'm never getting sick at Kris' house again," Anoop said. "It's dangerous."

"You like it," Matt said. "I'm taking very good care of you!"

He washed Anoop's chest and then moved the washcloth even lower. Anoop smiled that sweet smile that Matt loved, especially when it reached Anoop's eyes.

"I guess you are," Anoop said.

Anoop went to sleep again as soon as he got back into bed after the bath. Matt turned shark week reruns back on and put his arms around Anoop. He smiled when Anoop curled up against him. He held Anoop tightly. It could be like this all the time, Matt was sure. They could be happy. They could be safe. They wouldn't have to worry.

In some other life.

Matt didn't mean to doze off but he did. When he woke up the TV was turned off and so were the lights. It was nighttime. Someone had pulled the covers over both of them.

Anoop was still in his arms.

Matt's heart started pounding. Who turned off the lights? Who caught them like this?

He jumped out of the bed and rushed downstairs. Mostly everyone was in the kitchen, getting leftovers for dinner. Nobody looked at him differently. Nobody looked like they _knew_.

"Where have you been?" Megan asked. "You missed a great day."

"Yeah," Matt said. "I had a good day too."

It was true but now he was worried about who else knew his secret about who he really loved.


	24. Chapter 24

Anoop spent most of Saturday sleeping. Matt volunteered to wait behind to see if he was well enough to go see Rent that night. Everyone else left early to go enjoy downtown Little Rock before the show. Matt knew the Christmas decorations were up already and he wanted to see them too but he had other things on his mind.

He woke Anoop up at six like he said he would. After he made sure the door was closed he kissed Anoop's forehead and shook him gently.

"Hmmmm?" Anoop said, opening his eyes. "Hi."

"Somebody knows," Matt reported.

Anoop closed his eyes again. Matt shook him again. It took a couple of minutes before he was fully awake.

"Last night," Matt whispered. He didn't know who could be spying now. Maybe they'd bugged the room. He spent most of the afternoon watching a CSI marathon so he was on edge. "I went to sleep. I was holding you. When I woke up someone had been in here. They saw us!"

"I gotta pee," Anoop said. He got up and shuffled to the bathroom. Matt watched him as he peed since he didn't bother to close the door. It was strangely intimate. When Anoop came back to the bedroom he put his arms around Matt and fell on top of him on the bed.

"Hi," Anoop said again, snuggling against him. Matt patted his back.

"I don't think you're listening to me." Now Matt was distracted. He stroked the back of Anoop's hair. It really was soft and thick. He hadn't really thought about it before the girls were fussing over it.

"I heard you," Anoop said. He coughed a little and then buried his face in Matt's neck. "Maybe God planned it."

Matt sighed. He hoped Anoop was serious. He didn't want to joke about things like that.

"It's gonna be okay," Anoop said.

"If anyone saw us they have to report us," Matt said. "And then we're done."

Anoop sat back and sat on Matt's legs. After a moment he placed his hands on Matt's face.

"We'll get through it," Anoop said, firmly. "Together. Okay, Matt? Maybe you turned off the lights and you don't remember. Let's not worry about it until there's something to worry about. I'm here for you, Matt." He kissed Matt's cheek and then got off him.

Matt took a deep breath. He did feel better but he didn't think Anoop understood how bad it could get if this all came out.

"How do you feel?" Matt asked.

"Still kinda shitty," Anoop said. He was going through his bag. He pulled out a shirt and his pair of jeans. "But I want to go. I'm just tired."

"Too bad we can't sit in the back and just make out the whole time," Matt said.

"I don't think that would make me feel less tired," Anoop said with a smile. Matt remember that he was paranoid about the place being bugged. He decided to shut up about things like that.

After Anoop took a quick shower and got dressed they were ready to go. Mrs. Allen insisted that they take some turkey sandwiches and chips and water and cans of soda and brownies. Matt wasn't sure if she understood that they weren't going away forever, they were just going to Little Rock to see a musical. He unwrapped one of the brownies in the driveway after he started his car.

"This is really good," he said, giving Anoop the last bite. To his surprise Anoop actually ate it. When they were on the road Anoop leaned his head against Matt's arm and rested his hand on Matt's knee. Matt found it somewhat distracting but he managed to stay on the road.

"I had a dream about you," Anoop said. "You were playing the guitar. It was awful."

"Noop, I think that was real life," Matt said, with a laugh. "But I'm working on it. I can learn the guitar too."

Anoop gave his knee a squeeze. Matt wondered how much people could see through the windows and he sped by them on the highway. He tried to pretend that he didn't care. Of course, he didn't want Anoop to stop touching him.

"I wish we had another night," Anoop said. "Together..."

Matt swallowed. He wished that too. He didn't know when that could happen again.

"What would we do?" Matt asked.

"What do you think?" Anoop said. He laughed a little and ended up coughing. Matt's heart was racing just thinking about it. He had many different scenarios running through his mind about the things they could do if they had another night alone.

"You wanna do... everything?" Matt said. He wiped his sweaty palm on Anoop's leg.

"I..." Anoop said. "Honestly, I don't know."

"I had condoms that night," Matt said. He remembered Adam handing them to him.

"I probably wouldn't have said no," Anoop said.

"Anoop, are you a virgin?" Matt blurted out. "I mean, with a girl." Anoop tightened his grip on Matt's knee. Matt liked it.

"No," he said.

"I am," Matt said with a sigh. He always felt funny about that. For a long time he told himself that he was just taking his high school purity pledge seriously. Eventually he had to admit that he just wasn't that interested in having sex with a girl.

Anoop patted his knee. "Think about it. You'll always be a good little virgin in the eyes of the Lord. Anal doesn't count, right?"

Matt snorted and blushed at the same time. "I don't know," Matt said. "They didn't exactly teach us that in Sunday school."

"They should have that as one of the electives," Anoop said. "Real Sex with Jesus."

"Anoop!" Matt said. "Stop."

Anoop laughed and rubbed Matt's leg. "I'm just teasing you," Anoop said. "We don't have to go too fast when it comes to that stuff. I'm pretty satisfied with what we've been doing. Don't worry about it, Matt."

"We don't have that much time," Matt said. He swallowed, remembering Adam in the bathroom and Adam in the hotel room. Adam with his mouth that definitely knew what he'd was doing. He could probably put a condom on his own dick with no hands. Matt didn't think he'd ever be that skilled.

"So we'll do as much as we can with the time we've got," Anoop said like everything was that easy. After this ride in the car Matt wasn't even sure when they'd get the chance to be alone again.

"Noop, I have a secret," Matt blurted out before he could really think about it.

"You like dick?" Anoop said then he cracked up. Matt shook his head.

"You're in a weird mood," Matt said.

"I just feel..." Anoop said. He coughed, leaning against Matt. "Sorry, I'm listening, Matt. What's your secret?"

Matt almost didn't feel like telling him anymore but he went on.

"I hooked up with Adam," he said.

"Really?" Anoop raised his eyebrows and moved away from Matt. "When?"

"You know that night in the club?" Matt said. "When Megan and I were drinking. We hooked up in the bathroom."

"Oh," Anoop said, not sounding so playful anymore. Matt didn't even know why he told him but there it was.

"Then, the night I went to Little Rock with Promises to play at the presidential museum?" Matt said. "I met Adam at a hotel room there."

"And you..." Anoop said, letting his sentence trail off but Matt knew what he was trying to say. Matt took his foot off the gas because he was really flying past every car on the road. Little Rock wasn't too far away.

"We didn't—" Matt said. "But... the second time... we barely did anything because..." He laughed a little, embarrassed, but he had started this story so he had to finish telling it. "I couldn't get it up."

"Really?" Anoop said. It was good to hear the laughter in his voice again even if he was laughing at him.

"I was thinking about you," Matt confessed. "And I told him. He was very understanding about the whole thing."

"You talked to Adam about me?" Anoop looked flattered when Matt glanced at him. "Can't believe you hooked up with him."

"It was stupid." Matt said. "It didn't mean anything."

"I'll never look at Adam the same," Anoop said. "He broke you in."

"He didn't _break_ me in, Noop!" Matt said, not even sure what that meant. Anoop laid his head on Matt's arm again and laughed.

"I'm just happy," Anoop said. "I've got kind of a headache and my throat still hurts and it's a little hard to breathe sometimes but I'm happy. You're here."

Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn't know it was possible to have so many feelings, so many good ones but also the worry and the fear that was always in the back of his mind. Even if they didn't really get caught by someone last night the truth was that no matter what God always knew what he was doing.

"I'm happy, too," Matt said.

"We'll figure something out," Anoop said, quietly, as Matt pulled off the highway. He kissed Anoop's forehead at the next stop light.

"I wanna keep driving," Matt said. "You ever feel like that? Keep driving and never look back. Just me and you, Noop. What do you think about that?"

Anoop didn't say anything. He kept his head on Matt's arm until they got to the theater. He pulled away when the parking attendant came to take their money. Then Matt parked and the others met them inside the theater lobby.

"I'm so glad you made it!" Megan said, throwing her arms around Anoop. "I was getting worried. How do you feel, Anoop? You look better."

"I feel better," Anoop said. "A lot better."

"Megan told me not tell my mom I'm seeing this play," Allison said, sliding up against Matt. "Is Adam really going to be a girl?"

"It's not really like that," Matt said, though he'd only seen the movie once and he was pretty sure he fell asleep halfway through. He kept his arm around Allison as they walked inside to take their seats. Kris and Katy were holding hands, strolling in front of them. They didn't know how good they had it. Matt was sure of that.

The comp tickets were pretty good seats and when the house lights came down Matt was surprised that it was pretty packed. He sat with Allison on one side and Brooke on the other with Megan on Allison's other side and Anoop beside Megan. He wished he could hold Anoop's hand but even if they were sitting together they wouldn't be able to do that so it was probably better that they were apart.


	25. Chapter 25

Matt didn't really remember the movie but he was absolutely captivated by the musical. He forgot who Adam really was as he watch him perform as Angel on stage. After the first half Matt just sat there, unable to move. The music was still running through his mind and he wanted to stay with it for a while.

He felt someone sit beside him and then Anoop laid his head on his shoulder.

"Hey," Matt said, putting his arm around Anoop, instinctively. "What's up?"

Anoop sighed. "I like the play but I wish I were in bed."

"Poor Noop," Matt said. He wanted to rest his chin on top of Anoop's head but that would have been too intimate. Anoop leaning against him was something they could still play off as friends. Kris did it all the time. They probably shouldn't even take that chance but Matt couldn't help it, especially with Anoop was warm and coughing against him.

"Aren't you two cute?" Megan said when she came back to their seats. She took a picture before Matt could protest.

"I didn't get a chance to put on my lip gloss," Matt said. "Don't put that on facebook!"

"You're right, you look pretty rough," Megan said. "I might have to just delete it."

Matt threw his program at her. Allison put her hands on her hips when she came back to her seat.

"Anoop's in my seat," she said. "I was sitting next to Matt."

"Sit next to me! I'm cooler than him anyway," Megan said. "Anoop looks comfortable. That flu is kicking his ass. If I get it I'm going to kick his ass."

"Adam is really good," Allison said, settling in her new seat. "His voice is pretty incredible. If he were still at Gates we'd have to let him be in the band."

"You never know," Megan said. "Promises might get him first. They have Matt, after all."

Allison shook her head with a laugh. "That's Matt's fault."

Matt rolled his eyes but he laughed with the rest of them.

"Anoop looks out of it," Katy said when she and Kris came back.

"Too much excitement," Kris said. "This play really gets you. It's emotional."

"It's not fair that gay people get AIDS," Allison said. Matt felt something clench in the pit of his stomach. Allison looked sad as she went on.

"They're so nice," Allison said. "Angel and Collins were in love."

"Not only gay people get AIDS, Allison," Megan said. "Anybody can get it."

"But if you're just with one person your whole life you won't get it," Allison said. "Right?"

Nobody said anything for a moment. Matt wanted to kiss Anoop's face right there although he wasn't sure what that would prove. It was hard thinking about everything this meant. It couldn't be a choice. How could it be when Matt knew he couldn't be happy if he were any other way.

"It's not that simple," Kris said.

"Anything can happen to you," Katy added. "You never know."

"They make it sound so _bad_," Allison said. "I got a gay cousin I can't even talk to anymore. But I like this musical because it makes it happy too. Even with all the sad stuff going on."

"That's life," Megan said. "You have to take the good with the bad."

"The gay with the straight," Allison said with a laugh. Matt didn't say anything but he moved away from Anoop, shifting his shoulder so Anoop woke up with a start.

"He's back among the living," Megan said. Anoop blinked like he didn't know where he was. Then he got up and headed out of the row just as Tim, Jason, Didi and Brooke came back.

"He okay?" Kris asked. Matt slumped lower in his seat as Allison took the opportunity to sit next to him again.

"I can check on him," Tim volunteered. He was on his way out as the lights dimmed and the second act started.

"I hope it's happier," Allison whispered, snuggling up against Matt. "I want them all to be happy."

Matt put his arm around her but he didn't really pay attention. He should be the one checking on Anoop, not Tim. He felt like he missed something important. Maybe it was the sign he'd been waiting for. That could have been his cue, it could have been a sign. Hey, Matt, everyone's talking about gay people why don't you—he couldn't finish the sentence. He didn't want to live his whole life as a secret but it seemed to be the only thing he was brave enough to do.

Tim and Anoop came back about 15 minutes later. They sat at the end of the row, on the aisle, so Matt could barely see Anoop out of the corner of his eye. The rest of the musical went by quickly. At the end everyone was on their feet giving a standing ovation. Matt wanted to take Anoop's hand. He wanted to give his hand a squeeze and let him know that he learned something from this, something about being in love, something about being gay.

But Anoop was far away and Matt didn't know if he learned anything anyway.

He was still afraid.

* 

Adam invited them backstage after the show. He smiled when he saw them.

"Hey, hey, it's the whole gang," he said. He was still in full makeup. It was pretty intense up close. Allison ran over to give him a hug.

"That was awesome!" Allison said. "It was so intense."

"I cried," Katy said. "Wonderful job, Adam. You were so convincing."

"You guys are too kind," Adam said. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Thanks for having us," Megan said. "I feel really cultured now."

"Just don't tell Dean Dwyer where you ended up tonight," Adam said. "Yeah, I remember him."

Everyone laughed. Matt hoped his laugh was convincing enough. Anoop was on the other side of the room nursing a bottle of water. He looked tired. Matt wished they could be alone.

"We're off campus so..." Kris said. "No rules. I think."

"Great," Adam said, raising his eyebrows. "Come to the party tonight. It's really cool. The cast is great. You'll have a good time."

"We do have church tomorrow, guys," Didi said, looking around at all of them. "Even though we're off campus."

"We can stay out for a little while!" Megan said. "What time is church, Kris?"

"Well, it's actually like, nine," Kris said. "But we should definitely check out the party."

"Cool!" Allison said. "I want to talk to the chick who plays Mimi. She seems totally awesome."

"I'm going to hook you up, girlfriend," Adam said. "She's pretty sassy. Her name is Jasmine. She's from Hawaii. If you guys give me like 15 minutes to get ready you can follow me out. We'll drive to the party together."

"I think we're going to go home," Matt spoke up. He finally caught Anoop's eyes and Anoop smiled gratefully. "Noop's tired."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Didi said. "Maybe I should go home with you guys. I don't know if I'm up for a party."

"Come on, Didi!" Megan said. "Live a little. How many times can you say you've been to an after-party with the cast of Rent. Never! Besides I saw you checking out Roger."

Didi covered her face but they could already see the blush creeping down her neck.

"Yeah, I think she's gonna stay," Megan said with a laugh.

"Let me walk you guys out," Adam said.

Matt felt nervous as he walked through the parking lot with Adam and Anoop. His car wasn't too far and then Adam was standing in front of them. Matt's hands shook as he pushed the button to unlock the doors.

"So how's it going for you guys?" Adam asked, casually. "Is this okay to talk about?"

Matt nodded before he really thought about it. Anoop started coughing and turned away from them. Matt patted his back.

"Noop has the flu," Matt said.

"Stay away from me!" Adam said, smiling. "I hope you feel better."

"Thanks," Anoop croaked out, straightening up. "Sorry."

"It's hard," Matt blurted out. "Anoop's leaving soon."

"Where are you going?" Adam asked.

"I have to go back to school," Anoop said. "My real school. It's a long story. Matt told me about you two."

"Oh yeah?" Adam said, raising an eyebrow. "It's a little embarrassing for me but now that I know the situation I can see how I wasn't much competition." Adam winked.

Matt smiled when Anoop laughed. He hoped Anoop wasn't mad at him for staying silent, for moving away. Right now, Anoop looked like he wanted to sit down.

"You'll figure it out," Adam said, kindly. "I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes but you have a lot more faith than I ever did. I can tell from just looking at you."

"Thanks," Matt said but it didn't really help. What was the point of having faith if he didn't know what to do with it?

"Are you guys going to the Christmas Classic at UALR?" Adam asked.

Matt nodded, feeling surprised that Adam would know anything about that college music competition.

"We're doing a little exhibition there," Adam said. "Push a few more tickets for the last shows of Rent around Christmas. So I'll see you there."

"Yeah," Matt said. He gave Adam a hug and felt a little better. It was nice just knowing that somebody knew and he understood even if Adam didn't have any answers. Matt didn't expect him to.

The drive back to Kris' house was quiet. Anoop was asleep in the front seat. Matt pulled up in the driveway around 11. He patted Anoop's leg.

"We're here," Matt said. Anoop opened his eyes and then leaned into Matt. He put his arms around Anoop the best he could. They stayed that for a little while.

"I don't want you to leave," Matt said.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "Me neither."

He wanted to kiss Anoop's mouth but settled for his hair. Matt didn't want to go inside because he was scared they wouldn't get to be alone again but they had to go in eventually.

Matt was surprised to see Mrs. Allen was still awake, sitting in the living room. He greeted her with a big smile but he was groaning inside. Now he wouldn't get to go upstairs with Anoop and lay with him until the others got back. He was hoping that Kris' parents would be asleep.

"How was the play?" she asked.

"Great," Anoop said. "Adam was amazing."

"Everyone else went to a party," Matt said. "But they should be back soon."

"I'm really tired," Anoop said. "Sort of dizzy. I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight."

"I'll bring you some water, dear," Mrs. Allen said. Matt watched Anoop walk up the stairs, his heart full of longing. He sighed without thinking about it. Then he realized Mrs. Allen was staring at him.

"Matt," Mrs. Allen said. Matt's breath hitched in his throat. Suddenly it clicked in his mind. She was the one who had found them that night. She knew. Matt's heart seemed to freeze in his chest. He couldn't breathe.

"You have to be careful," she said, gently.

"I'm sorry," Matt said, letting his breath out in a rush. "I'm sorry. Mrs. Allen. I'm _trying_\--"

"Matt, I've known you since the first semester," Mrs. Allen said. "I've always been proud that Kris has a close friend like you. One thing that I've always noticed about you in that you're such an open and giving person, Matt. Your feelings are written all over your face if you know what you're looking for."

Was it that obvious? Matt wanted to wipe his face away, start clean. He thought he was being so great at keeping this _secret_ but maybe it wasn't a secret at all to the people who really knew him. Matt didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth. Mrs. Allen took his arm.

"I pray for you," she said. "Just like I do for Kris and Daniel. I love you like one of my kids."

"I'm praying, too," Matt said. "I want to do the right thing."

"I know, Matt," Mrs. Allen said. Matt closed his eyes when she pressed a hand to his cheek. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as he imagined. Kris' mom knew—she had to know—and the world wasn't ending. Not yet.

"Do you think it's wrong?" Matt asked, opening his eyes. Mrs. Allen looked at him for a long moment.

"I think it's between you and God, Matt," she said. "But I want you to be happy."

It wasn't exactly the answer he wanted but it wasn't as bad as he thought. Matt shook his head. "I'm trying to talk to God," he confessed. "But I can't hear him."

"Keep at it, Matt," Mrs. Allen said. "It'll happen eventually. You're doing the right thing, praying and listening. That's all we can do. You can't always control your feelings but you can control how it affects you. What happens next is up to you, Matt. Remember, God still has a plan for you. Trust yourself to follow it."

Matt nodded. He wished he could just close his eyes and stumble blindly forward into his future. He trusted God that much. Unfortunately, it didn't work that way. Matt's eyes were open and every moment he felt like he was about to take a wrong turn, right into a mistake.

But Anoop couldn't be a mistake. Matt didn't want to believe that.

Mrs. Allen hugged him tightly and for a long time. It was the the type of hug that Matt hoped his mom would give him if she ever found out the truth.

"Thank you," Matt whispered.

"Why don't you give Anoop this water," Mrs. Allen said. She got a bottle of water from the fridge. "And say goodnight to him."

Matt hurried up the stairs. The lights were off and Anoop was asleep but Matt got on the bed anyway. He kissed Anoop's forehead and his cheek.

"Noop," he said softly in Anoop's ear. "Mrs. Allen knows. It was her."

Anoop didn't say anything. He was breathing evenly, slowly. Matt wondered if it was too early for dreams. Maybe Anoop would think his visit was a dream.

"It feels good," Matt decided. "It's good that she knows."

He touched Anoop's hair, looking down at his face, his body, his smooth, dark skin. There was so much to admire about him, so much to remember. Matt didn't even know where to start.

"Everything happens for a reason," Matt said. He didn't know if he was trying to convince Anoop or if he was reminding himself about something he used to believe without question.

Anoop barely moved. His mouth was half open and he was laying on his back. Matt draped his body over Anoop's, laying there for just a few minutes. He rested his head on Anoop's chest. He could feel Anoop's heart beating there. Matt focused on the rhythm, turning it into a melody in his mind, the song that could predict everything that was going to happen next.


	26. Chapter 26

It was raining the next day. They left in the middle of the afternoon, after church. Matt liked visiting Kris' church. It was one of those huge mega-churches with lots of people and technology but he didn't find it impersonal. They had at least three pastors so someone was bound to know you. Everyone knew Kris, of course. When they shook hands on the way out the pastor of the day said he'd miss their yearly Thanksgiving visit and told them to come back and visit soon.

Matt hoped that he would.

Mrs. Allen stood in the doorway and watched them as they packed the van and Matt's car. Anoop was wrapped up in his UNC sweatshirt, lying in the backseat of the van. Matt didn't know if Anoop heard him last night. He slept through church so Matt hadn't really talked to him all day.

"Come on," Megan said, drumming on Matt's hood. "You're driving me. Allison!"

"Thanks, Mrs. Allen," Allison said, heading out the front door. "I had a really excellent time!"

"Where's your umbrella?" Mrs. Allen said.

"I'm gonna make a mad dash for it." Allison ran straight for Matt's car. He pulled the back door open for her and she dove inside. Matt had an umbrella held clumsily in his other hand but water would dump down on his shoulders occasionally. Megan wasn't using anything, not even a newspaper, as she stood thee in the gentle rain, clothes clinging to her thin frame.

"I don't know," Megan said, after staring at him for a moment. "I just feel like I'm going to miss this place. It's the first time I've felt that way."

"What place?" Matt asked. "Kris' house?"

"No, silly," Megan said. "Gates! It's hit me. We're leaving next semester. Leaving for good."

Matt forced a smile. It felt like he was leaving this semester. Or at least part of his heart was. He glanced at the school van as Katy opened the back door and sighed.

What was he going to do without Anoop?

"It's not next semester yet," Matt said. "Let's not make time go too fast!"

"Well, it might as well be," Megan said. "We've only got three weeks left. Finals are going to kill me. We need to get back. I have serious work to do if I'm going to make it out of here alive."

She ducked into the car. Tim, Jason and Brooke came out of the house, saying their goodbyes, followed by Didi, at a dead sprint, even though she was wearing a clear poncho.

"Let's go!" Didi shrieked as she scrambled into the back of the van.

"She melts," Kris said, dryly. "She's sugar." He got in the front seat of the van with a smirk. Matt shook his head.

"Follow me!" Katy said cheerfully. By now everyone was in their respective vehicles. Matt could hear Megan and Allison chattering even with the doors closed. He knew they were ready to leave but he jogged over to Mrs. Allen anyway. She was still watching, dry on the porch.

"Did you forget something?" she asked, concerned.

"I just..." Matt said, not entirely sure what he was going to say now that he was here but he had to say something. "Thank you. I've always loved Thanksgiving here."

"I loved having you here, Matt," Mrs. Allen said. She hugged him even though he was half-wet and she knew about him and Anoop and everyone was waiting. Matt appreciated that. He hugged her back, tightly. He hoped when people knew for real that they would still hug him the same.

"Visit anytime," Mrs. Allen said.

"I will," Matt said. It wasn't an empty promise like most of these were. He really meant it.

"You'll be fine," Mrs. Allen said. She kissed his cheek. Matt hugged her one more time and then jogged back to the car.

"Come on, Matt," Allison said. She leaned over and honked the horn as Matt opened the door.

"I'm right here!" Matt said. Allison cackled and honked the horn some more until Matt pushed her away.

"Take me home, Jeeves," Allison said, cranking her seat back. Megan leaned forward and patted Matt's shoulder.

"We love you, Matty," she crowed in his ear. Allison hugged his arm. Matt grinned as he pulled out of the driveway. It felt good to be getting so much love.

* 

Monday was a blur. All of Matt's classes seemed to be getting down to business and then he spent three hours in practice with Promises as they picked their songs for the Christmas Classic. It was a collegiate musician competition as well as a showcase. Scott was very competitive so he didn't let them leave until Matt played the middle part of "Jingle Bells" the same exact way three times in a row. Matt returned to his dorm room tired and sick of it all.

"Oh hey," Kris said when Matt walked in. "I was wondering where you were. It's almost 11."

"Yeah, I made it just in time before curfew," Matt said. He laid down on his bed with a groan.

"Rough day?" Kris asked. Matt nodded with his eyes closed. He thought about Scott yelling at him to just read the music. He wanted to yell back, you can't read the music either! But he restrained himself. It wasn't worth it to get nasty. He just had to remember. Matt moved his fingers in the air, remembering the feel of the keys beneath his fingers. He definitely remembered why he quit Promises in the first place.

"Anoop stopped by looking for you," Kris said. Matt sat up, quickly. He couldn't believe he missed him.

"Oh yeah?" Matt said. He hoped he didn't sound too eager. "Did he say... what did he say? Did he look okay?"

"He looked tons better," Kris said. "He didn't say much... just asked if you were here. Sorry, I'm not the greatest message taker."

"No, it's okay," Matt said. He knew he shouldn't be so obvious. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down his speeding heart."I was just wondering if it was something important."

Matt checked his phone but he only had a text from Danny telling him about their rehearsal times for the week. Matt couldn't help groaning again and he pulled his pillow over his face.

"Yeah, I know how you feel," Kris said. "I've been working on these 20 business Calc problems for the past two hours. I wish I had snagged Anoop for help when he stopped by."

"What about me!" Matt said, pulling the pillow off his face. They both laughed and Matt felt a little better. The shower also helped. He got under the covers around midnight. Kris was already asleep, still and quiet in the bed across from him. Matt remembered when he longed to slip into bed beside Kris and put his arms around him. The memory made him smile, like when he thought about how he wanted to be the Tooth Fairy when he was five. That night he was longing for Anoop's arms, especially now that he knew how good it felt.

Matt was nearly asleep when his phone buzzed. He checked it sleepily. As soon as he saw who it was he was instantly awake. Matt slipped on his shoes quickly and put on a sweatshirt. Anoop's message said to meet him in the music building. Matt had never been out of the dorms after curfew but he was already beyond rules.

They didn't have a lot of time left.

It was chillier outside than Matt expected. He crossed his arms over his chest and hurried quickly across campus. He didn't even expect to get out of the door but they were unlocked, just like in the daytime. Everything was dark and quiet on campus. He wondered if everyone knew it was this easy to sneak out and he also wondered how Anoop already knew.

It didn't take Matt long to find him. Anoop was in the room with all the instruments, sitting at Matt's favorite piano. Matt walked over to him, heart pounding. He felt like he hadn't seen him in days.

"You remembered," Matt said. He sat next to Anoop and they were kissing as soon as Matt's butt hit the wooden bench. They didn't say anything for several moments, just made out with a lot of heavy breathing, occasionally bumping up against the piano so that the keys clinked and clattered. Matt ran his fingers through Anoop's thick hair and kissed him until Anoop pulled away and started coughing.

"You okay?" Matt asked, rubbing Anoop's back. Anoop nodded and managed to catch his breath.

"You just took my breath away," Anoop said with a grin. Matt laughed and kissed Anoop's nose.

"I think you're still loopy," Matt said. "I don't remember you being so cheesy."

"I saw the light when I was sick this weekend," Anoop said. "It reminded me that I don't have a lot of time to be cheesy so I better do it while I can."

"I didn't see the light but I can be cheesy too," Matt said. He spoke in a low voice, keeping his mouth close to Anoop's lips. "You know what you need so you can _really_ get over the flu once and for all?" He gave Anoop a few quick kisses and then whispered in his ear, "_Sexual_ healing..."

Anoop snorted and pushed him away. "Too cheesy," he said.

"Never," Matt retorted. They started kissing again. Matt didn't remember Anoop tasting this good. He pressed his hand against the crotch of Anoop's jeans and felt that he was already hard. He grinned, nuzzling his face just underneath Anoop's chin. He stroked him through his jeans and kissed his neck lightly. Anoop groaned, quietly.

"You don't feel sick, do you?" Anoop asked.

"Never," Matt said, kissing his lips again. He unzipped Anoop's jeans. "Not with you around."

"Good," Anoop said. "Because I wouldn't be able to stand it if you got sick. I should have told you to go away but..." Anoop pressed his forehead to Matt's. Matt couldn't stop grinning. "I needed you."

"I need you, too, Noop." Matt said. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you next semester."

"Me neither," Anoop said. They didn't say anything for a few moments, not kissing, just being close to each other while Matt slipped his hand under Anoop's underwear and moved his hand up and down Anoop's cock.

"Scared we'll get caught?" Anoop asked, breaking the silence.

Matt shook his head. "I don't care," he said and he really didn't. At least, not in that moment. He kissed Anoop again, gentler this time. It looked like he would be on his knees again but he didn't mind. Maybe one day they'd get a chance to have a bed again but it wasn't that night.

He tugged on Anoop's pants, pulling them down slowly. It was dark except for the moonlight streaming through the windows scattered throughout the room. Matt tossed Anoop's pants to the side and eased off his underwear. He kneeled between Anoop's legs, hanging down from the piano bench, and kissed him slowly, up from his calves to his thighs, taking his time, sucking gently on the inside on Anoop's thigh. He wrapped his arms around Anoop's legs, bracing himself there. The knee pain was definitely worth it. Anoop moaned as he pressed his tongue against the base of Anoop's cock. Now Matt was painfully hard and he had to unzip his own pants but he still wanted to take his time, licking and sucking Anoop's cock all over until Anoop was squirming and sucking in his breath.

"Oh," Anoop gasped. "God, Matt, I don't want to come yet."

"I don't know if you have a choice," Matt teased. He ran his thumb against Anoop's balls, lightly. He could feel Anoop's ass twitching and tightening against the bench. Matt kissed him under his ear, all the way down to his collarbone.

"I'm so hot," Matt whispered. "What are you doing to me?"

"Take off your shirt," Anoop said, nipping at his neck.

Matt pulled his shirt off. Anoop ended up pushing him back and laying on top of him on the floor. It was hard and uncomfortable but the pleasure of Anoop's holding their cocks together, gripping them both with his hand, more than made up for the back pain Matt would have in the morning and all the dust he was breathing in. Matt gasped, arching his back, bucking his hips against Anoop's hand, his cock, feeling so good that he could hardly breathe. Anoop kissed his chest, sucking and biting at him there, playing with his nipples with his tongue, kissing him everywhere until Matt finally came so hard that he saw white and yellow sparks exploding across the back of his eyelids while his eyes were tightly closed. He felt Anoop come a couple of moments later, digging his fingernails into Matt's shoulder. Matt felt like there was come everywhere but he didn't mind it. Anoop kissed him sweetly.

"You're a mess," Anoop said. They kissed again. Matt felt sticky, but it was nice. Anoop laid his head on Matt's chest. They laid together for a while. Matt rubbed Anoop's back, patting his hoodie.

"I wish you were naked," Matt said.

"Sorry," Anoop said. "Next time."

"Don't leave," Matt said, feeling serious all of a sudden. "Don't leave. Don't leave me, Noop."

"Sorry," Anoop said, again, quieter, more seriously this time.

"I want you to be there tomorrow," Anoop said. "Come to practice. We're practicing after dinner. I'm going to tell them the truth."

"About us?" Matt's heart started pounding in his chest but, surprisingly, he felt relieved too.

"Of course not," Anoop said. "I'm going to tell them about my thesis and that I'm leaving at the end of the semester."

"Don't remind me," Matt said. He felt miserable all over again.

"Say you'll be there," Anoop said. He kissed Matt's ear. Matt held him closer.

"Of course," he said. "Anything for you, Noop." He sighed as Anoop buried his face against Matt's shoulder. The floor sucked but they didn't get up. Not until the very first hints of morning.

* 

"Whoa," Kris said, stepping out of the bathroom as Matt was changing the next morning. "What happened to you?"

Matt looked down at his chest, then tugged down his t-shirt, quickly.

"Uh..." he said.

"Those are some serious hickeys, man," Kris said. "Don't worry, I won't tell."

"It's not a hickey," Matt said, quickly racking his brain for some sort of plausible excuse for the raw marks Anoop left all over his chest. It seemed like fun last night but it was not a good look this morning. "I--"

Kris held up his hand. "I may not have been kissed but," Kris nodded toward Matt's chest. "I think I know hickeys when I see them. Looks like you had some fun last night."

"Last night?" Matt repeated, swallowing nervously. "Uh..."

"I heard you leave," Kris said.

"Are you going to report me?" Matt asked in a small voice. Kris threw a crumpled paper towel at him.

"Don't be an idiot," Kris said. "Where'd you go? Oh wait--" Kris said, when Matt didn't answer right away. "Don't answer that. Somewhere secret to get those hickeys. At least nobody can see them. Just don't take your shirt off in class today. I know how tempting it is but..."

Matt smiled, feeling stupid but the giddy feelings from last night where still there too.

It took everything in Matt's power not to grin stupidly when he saw Anoop at breakfast. That ended when Megan hit him in the chest.

"Ow," he winced.

"What's wrong with you?" Megan asked. She shoved his shoulder and sauntered over to their table. It was nice eating with the usual crew again. Scott and Danny didn't seem to mind, as long as he showed up at Promises' practice right on time.

"I don't want to go to Theory," Allison said, stealing a piece of bacon from David's place. "It's so _boring_. I'm only going to flunk the test because I'm gonna die of boredom."

"You won't flunk," David said, with wide eyes. "I can, um, you can sit next to me and look if, uh, that might keep you awake?"

"True love!" Megan said from across the table. "When the guy offers to let you cheat off him, that's a keeper."

"Oh no," David said, ears going pink. "I didn't mean it like _that_!"

Anoop came over as everyone was laughing. Matt couldn't resist catching his eye. Anoop smiled, stirring his oatmeal.

"Okay," Megan said. "We need to finalize our set list in practice tonight because I have to send it in to the contest by tomorrow. So be there or be square. Anoop, how's your voice?"

Anoop cleared his throat a couple of times. "It's still a little rough," he said. "I feel fine, it's just a little weak. Maybe Matt can sing my parts."

Matt raised his eyebrows. Even though Anoop had already invited him to practice he still felt surprised about this.

"Matt needs to beg if he wants to get back in this band," Megan said, giving him a look. Matt tried to look as innocent as he could.

"Please?" he said, clasping his hands together. "Please, please, please? I'll lick your feet."

"Oh shut up!" Megan said, with a laugh. "You're still in Promises, anyway. But come to practice. We'll see if there's anything we can do with you."

"Might be cool to get a dueling piano thing going," Kris said. Katy, sitting next to him, nodded eagerly. "Like between him and David."

"Oh gosh," David said. "I don't know... if I--"

"Sounds great," Matt said, loudly. He shoved the rest of his pancakes in his mouth, then stood up. "I have to... wash my hands. Syrup."

He hurried to the bathroom in the dining hall. It was usually empty, which he was counting on. He only had to pace around for a couple of minutes before Anoop came through the doors.

"Look," Matt said, lifting his shirt. Anoop grinned.

"I do good work," he said.

"Ha, ha," Matt said, rolling his eyes. Anoop kissed him once and then again and again until Matt had to physically wrench himself away.

"Take it easy on little David," Anoop said. "He still can't get through Satisfaction without looking like he might die."

"I can't get no," Matt sang again, this time wiggling his hips and grinding against Anoop. "Satisfaction..."

Anoop kissed his temple. "Got that right," he said.

"Not even last night?" Matt said.

"Nope," Anoop said. "I want more. I want more and more."

Matt nodded. "Me too." He took a deep breath. He didn't know when he'd get time for more. Maybe never. Thinking about it made him sad all over again. Anoop hugged him tightly.

"See you later," he said. Matt wanted to hold him longer but then Anoop was gone.

There was never enough time.

*

Matt felt strange, walking into practice that evening. David was in his spot behind the piano in the practice room at the student activities center. Matt sat between Katy and Megan upfront where they watched everyone. It was different being on the other side. Jason was sitting high behind the drums and Allison looking more comfortable with the bass guitar than Matt had ever seen her. Kris looked sexy with his guitar as usual, his jeans snug against his hips. That would always drive Matt crazy. He crossed his legs and focused on Anoop, his jaw set behind the mic. Anoop had a gorgeous mouth. He'd miss it so much.

"So I talked to the gospel choir," Katy said. "They said they'd totally be willing to do Angels We Have Heard on High and All I Want For Christmas with us, so we should count those in. I'd think that'd be really cool. Right, Megan?"

Megan nodded. "Totally," she said. "I'm down with that. Any objections?"

Matt shook his head even though technically he wasn't part of the vote. He was looking forward to hearing the band with the gospel choir. They performed in chapel about once a month but they were definitely a group of the best singers on campus, especially the music director, Tamyra.

"So that leaves us with one more song," Megan said. "What are we going to sing guys? It doesn't have to be a Christmas song. Hey, Matt, you're our spy. What is Promises doing?"

"We're singing all Christmas songs," Matt said. He didn't really remember but it sounded good.

"We should be different," Megan decided. "So what's good that we've been working on? What do you like, Anoop?"

Matt followed Megan's gaze over to Anoop. He was looking at the ground, thoughtfully. Then he looked up at her.

"I don't think you should ask me," Anoop said. That's when Matt knew he was going to do it. "I need to tell you guys something."

"This sounds serious," Megan said. Katy just looked concerned. Matt wondered if they would take it as badly as he did. He wouldn't blame them.

"It sort of is," Anoop said. "I'm just not going to be here next semester so I think I'd better step down as lead singer of the band."

"What?" Megan said. Kris frowned. Allison made a face.

"No way," she said. "Where are you going?"

"Back home," Anoop said. "Back to UNC. I'm graduating from there. This was only meant to be a temporary thing."

It hurt Matt all over again to hear that. Despite everything, even before Anoop's experiment turned real, he always knew their relationship had a firm expiration date. He was still upset that Anoop knew that when he got involved with Matt but Matt didn't. Not until he was already too far gone.

"What do you mean, temporary thing?" Megan asked, looking at Anoop very suspiciously. Everyone was staring at him. Anoop shrugged. Matt could tell he was uncomfortable but, as much as he did love him, Anoop did deserve it, at least a little.

"I wasn't exactly forthcoming about my reasons for coming here," Anoop said. He played with the neck of the microphone stand. "But really, whatever I said before wasn't true. I came with a specific agenda in mind. I wanted to observe what it was like to go to a Christian college for my senior thesis. And I picked Gates for specific reasons. I definitely had prejudices and expectations and... I expected them to be right. Some of them were. But, mostly, once I got here I realized that I didn't know anything at all."

Anoop wasn't looking at anyone but everyone was staring at him. Katy raised her hand, hesitantly. When Anoop didn't notice, she spoke up.

"Does the administration know about this?" she asked.

"No," Anoop said, looking up at her. "But I'm not..." he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Matt decided he didn't want anyone to be mad at Anoop, not really. He wanted to stand beside them and take his hand. But he stayed sitting on the floor.

"I'm not going to write anything," Anoop said. "About this. It wasn't a good idea."

"Why not?" Allison piped up. "Wait, don't you need permission? Do we need to sign a release? Is this like a reality show?"

Anoop shrugged. "I'm not sure, Allison. But morally, I should have been upfront from the beginning. I apologize for leading you on and befriending you under false pretenses. But, I have to say, I was very surprised...you guys were the most surprising of all. When I came here I expected to be ostracized and ridiculed. In fact, I was counting on it. And believe me, I had my moments but... there were so many more _good_ things and... people were willing to help." Anoop took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I've learned a lot about myself here," he continued. "And about God. And about all of you. But that's information I just want to keep to myself. So thank you for allowing me to be a part of your group, your community, your lives... without question. You don't know how much your generosity has meant to me." Anoop gave them a shaky smile. Matt felt close to tears again and he didn't know why. Instead he shook his head, trying to feel something different.

"So you're leaving?" Jason asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "After finals. That's why you should replace me now. If you guys place at the Christmas Classic and go on in the competition you're going to need a band roster that's going to be the same next semester."

"Wow, Anoop," Megan said. She held a hand up to her forehead. "I don't even get it."

She didn't go on and Anoop didn't say anything either. Everyone just seemed quiet.

"So do you really believe in God?" David asked. It wasn't the question that Matt would have followed up with but he discovered he was interested in the answer.

"Yes," Anoop said, without hesitation. "Even more so now."

"I don't know what to say, Anoop," Katy said. "That was brave of you to tell us. Thank you."

"I don't know if it was brave," Anoop said. "But it was something I needed to say. I care about you guys."

"Jesus, Anoop," Megan said, sighing heavily. "Make me rearrange my whole band, why don't you? Now I need a new lead singer. Matt, think you can be in two bands at once?"

Matt smiled a little, not sure if she was seriously. It didn't matter. Everyone's mind was still on Anoop. Kris turned to Anoop, pulling off his guitar.

"So you're really leaving?" Kris said. "You think you can get rid of us that easily? We might kidnap you or something. Never underestimate the power of a few good Christians. I'm sure that's something you can write about."

Anoop laughed a little. "Yeah, I've definitely learned that," he said.

"Don't leave, Anoop!" Allison rushed over to him and put her arms around him, leaving her bass guitar behind. "We're just getting started!"

"I feel that way, too," Anoop said. He hugged her back, tightly. Matt couldn't resist. He needed to hug Anoop too, wanted to stay in constant contact with him. He got to his feet and headed over to where Anoop and Allison where, in the middle of the room. He could see everyone in the mirrors that were all around. They all looked like they were thinking their own deep thoughts. Matt wondered if anyone's thoughts were like his.

"Hey," Matt said, as lightheartedly as he could muster. "I think what we need right now is a group hug! God does everything for a reason. I mean, he put Anoop into our lives. There's no way we can be mad or sad about that, even if he is leaving. We should be happy because we got to know him and form this awesome band and everything."

"Matt's right," Katy said. He smiled because it felt good hearing her say that. "I think we learned something from Anoop too. God really does do everything for a reason. Even if you don't understand it."

Katy glanced at him and for a moment Matt thought that maybe she knew, too.

He didn't think they would actually listen to him but then everyone came over and Anoop was in the middle of their band group hug. It felt good being close to Anoop in front of other people. He wasn't touching him—his arms were around Megan and Jason and he was mostly on the outside of the hug—but it was easy to pretend that they knew. He closed his eyes for a moment, replaying his own words in the back of his mind.

Everything happened for a reason. He had to keep believing that God was going to give him his reason soon.


	27. Chapter 27

Katy took pictures after practice. Matt posed for the group shot and then he smiled with his arms around Allison and Megan and then playing drums with Jason and playing piano with David. By the time he was done everyone had pretty much left. Anoop was already at the door. Matt longed to join him but Katy was still gesturing with the camera.

"Wait!" she called. "Anoop, come over here. Take a picture with Matt."

Matt glanced at her and half-expected to see her wink. But she was just smiling and waving Anoop back into the middle of the room. Anoop came back over and put his arm around Matt's shoulders.

"Say cheese!" Katy said, with a bright smile on her face. Matt was smiling too but he was always smiling when Anoop was near him.

"Cheese," Anoop said. When they were done he gave Matt a quick squeeze.

"Meet me in the music building tonight," he whispered in Matt's ear.

"What?" Matt said before he could stop himself. Anoop just patted his arm and moved away for a couple more pictures with other people.

"Look!" Katy said, skipping over to him. She showed him the picture of him and Anoop on the display of her camera. "You two look so cute!"

Matt glanced down at the picture and he had to agree. He didn't think he had a picture of the two of them together like that.

"Can you send that to me?" Matt asked, feeling almost sad.

"Oh yeah!" Katy said. "I can send it right now. My camera has bluetooth. Turn the bluetooth on your phone on."

Matt pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. The transfer only took a couple of moments. He looked at the picture again but not as long as he wanted to. Anoop had such a great smile. Matt hoped he had something to do with it.

"Goodnight, Matt." Katy gave him one last smile and then headed out with Megan and Allison. Matt walked back to the dorms with the rest of the guys. Anoop gave his elbow a quick squeeze as he got off the elevator.

Matt got into bed even before curfew. He pulled the covers over his head and stared at the picture on his phone. He was going to miss Anoop so much. He could already feel it hurting. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Are you okay?" Kris asked.

Matt pushed the covers down. "Yeah," he said. "I'm just... I wanted to lay down."

Kris was wearing his glasses, sitting at his desk with his business calc book open in front of him.

"Practice was pretty intense today," he said. "What Anoop said... wow. It must have been hard for him to keep that secret."

"What do you think?" Matt asked, watching Kris as he put his homework away. "Are you mad at him?"

"Mad at Anoop?" Kris looked up with a frown. "No. I'm not mad."

"He lied," Matt said. "And now he's just going to leave. Doesn't it piss you off just a little bit?"

Kris shook his head. "No," he said. "I'm not pissed. I do wish that he was honest from the beginning. His project sounds like it was something worthwhile. I would have been happy to help. I wish he trusted us more. But I'm not mad. I'm going to miss Anoop. I wish he could stay."

"Me too." Matt couldn't help sighing.

"I know," Kris said. "You and Anoop are close."

Matt froze, waiting for Kris to say something else. Maybe Mrs. Allen told him. But he didn't say anything else for a few moments.

"It must be hard to keep a secret like that," Kris said, thoughtfully. "That's the main reason I'm glad he told."

"Have you ever kept a secret?" Matt asked, quietly. "You know, like that."

"No," Kris said. "I wouldn't want to. It eats away at you, you know. It's not worth it."

"Even if it's like..." Matt sat up, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I don't know. Something that could... something that change the way..." He took a deep breath. He felt the words right there on his lips. It might even make him feel better or feel complete, the way he did when he was with Anoop. He was so worried about losing that feeling. Maybe if he told Kris he could feel like himself all the time. Matt glanced over at Kris, who was watching him carefully.

"It could change everything," Matt said. "Like, everything that people know about you. I don't know. Just a secret like that. Then maybe it's worth keeping that kind of a secret."

Kris shook his head. "That sounds like the worst kind of secret there is."

"Yeah," Matt whispered.

"No secrets are good," Kris said. "There shouldn't be any secrets."

"We have a secret," Matt said. "Remember that time we all the rest of the brownies last year after fellowship and then we told Lil we lost them?"

"That's not a secret," Kris said, smiling. "That's a stupid lie. We paid for that one."

"My stomach hurts just thinking about it." Matt clutched his stomach and groaned.

"But it was a good kind of hurt," Kris said.

Matt laughed, remembering how they stuffed their face with brownies at 2am for no good reason at all. There were a lot of fun memories like that with Kris. Soon, everyone would be leaving. Thinking about that made Matt sad all over again.

"I'm going to miss everyone," Matt said.

"Me too," Kris said. "But I won't miss business calc. If I survive. I've got review for the final tomorrow and..." Kris trailed off with a sigh. "I'm not even going to think about it. You sneaking out tonight?"

Matt raised his eyebrows, caught off guard. "Yeah," he said.

"Well, don't get caught." Kris jumped into his bed and took off his glasses with a sly smile on his face. "Since you're the one sneaking around, how about you get the lights?"

"Ha ha," Matt said. He was in his pajamas but they were more comfortable and they were easier for Anoop to access anyway.

"Have fun," Kris said, closing his eyes.

"Shut up," Matt mumbled. He turned off the lights and then, since he was already up, he really did leave, closing the door carefully behind him.

It wasn't so weird now, walking across campus. He didn't even feel that nervous about getting caught. There was nobody patrolling. Everyone at Gates followed the rules.

Everyone but him.

Anoop was already there, sitting at his piano. Matt sat next to him and they kissed for a little while without even saying a word. When Anoop pulled away, Matt expected him to reach for his pants but Anoop cupped Matt's face in his hands and looked at him.

"Do you think I did the right thing?" he asked.

"Me?" Matt said. Anoop kissed him lightly and sighed.

"Even coming here," Anoop said. "I don't know."

"Don't say that," Matt said. "I'm glad you came here. I wouldn't have met you if you didn't come here, Noop. I talked to Kris about it. He's not mad. I don't think anybody is. We're just going to miss you, that's all. I'm really going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you," Anoop said. He kissed Matt's neck and then rested his face there. Matt stroked his hair. It felt good just to be close, even when they weren't doing anything.

"We talked about secrets," Matt said, quietly. "Kris doesn't think it's good to keep them."

"Yeah, but some secrets you have to keep for a little while," Anoop said. "It's just better that way. It's easier."

"Maybe I don't want things just to be _easy_," Matt said. He pulled away so he could look Anoop in the eyes. "I want to be _happy_. I'm just not as happy when I'm not with you."

Matt felt a little stupid for saying that but it was true. Anoop smiled, kindly.

"I'm not as happy when I'm not with you," Anoop said.

"I keep praying about it," Matt said. "And praying about it and praying about it. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should just _do_ something. I can't tell if this is really wrong, Anoop. I know it should be but it doesn't feel that way. I read the bible but this is the first time I feel like it doesn't really tell me anything. What would happen? Is this what God is waiting for me to do?"

"It doesn't have to be wrong," Anoop said. He took Matt's hands and sighed, bowing his head. Matt waiting but Anoop didn't say anything else.

"Do you really pray for me?" Matt asked.

"Of course," Anoop said. "Every day, Matt. I wouldn't kid about that. I just want you to find some peace. But then again, you just have one more semester. After that, you can do anything you want."

"I'm still the same person," Matt said. He squeezed Anoop's hands. "Why should I be punished for just being who I am, Noop? And for being happy and finally knowing something about myself. I just can't believe God would want that."

"I don't think he does either," Anoop said. "But it's not all about God. It's about politics, too. I don't think things would be too different if you decided to come out. It's against the code of conduct, Matt. You know how strict Dean Dwyer is about that. You know what happened to Adam."

"It should be about God," Matt said. "That's all it should be about."

"It should be," Anoop said. "But it's not. And it's never going to be. Everything's going to work out, just give it time, Matt."

"We don't have time!" Matt said, surprising himself as he raised his voice. "You're leaving and we don't have time. Something... God is... what if—I think the time is soon."

Anoop pressed a soft kiss to his lips and exhaled slowly. "I'm praying that you don't get hurt," he said, quietly. Matt could feel his breath on his face. "I know Gates is your home, Matt, but it's not perfect. Really think about this. I just don't want you to do something that you're going to regret. I don't want you to lose everything."

"I feel like I already lost, sometimes," Matt said. He closed his eyes and Anoop kissed him again. They kissed and Matt rubbed himself against Anoop's hand when he pressed it to his crotch. Anoop sucked on his neck and Matt moved away.

"No more hickeys," he said.

"Sorry." Anoop laughed.

"Hey," Matt said. "Why are we meeting in here anyway? The lounge is just as uncomfortable when we get on the floor."

"You distracted me last night," Anoop said. "I wanted to talk to you. I still do. I know I said I'm out for the band but I was hoping that you and I could play a show together at the Christmas Classic."

"Really?" Matt said. He leaned into the piano, listening to it tinker and shift underneath him.

"Yeah, I looked into it and there's individual competitions. Will you accompany me?"

"That's what I do best!" Matt said, grinning. He moved forward and played a few scales quickly, warming up. "What are you going to sing?"

"With your permission," Anoop said, slowly. Matt looked at him curiously. "I'd like to sing your song, 7th Day Breakdown."

"Really?" Matt said.

"I'd credit you, of course. I just want to sing it. I love that song, Matt."

"Wow." Matt scratched the side of his head. He couldn't help blushing. Anoop was staring at him. "It's just... Kris and I have played our songs but this is different. You know it's very intimate. You really like it that much?"

Anoop nodded. "I listen to it every night. I can sing it in my sleep, Matt. I like it because it's about staying away from someone but you can't. It's about--"

"It's about faith," Matt interrupted. "Losing it and finding again. It's definitely about you, Noop. I'd... you can sing it. The song's for you. That's why I wrote it."

"Let's try it," Anoop said. Matt slid over on the piano bench, bumping into Anoop playfully.

"Move over, Noop," he said. "Watch an expert."

"Singing the song is like a prayer," Anoop said. Matt nodded. He hoped that he understood Anoop as much as Anoop understood him.

He actually felt a little nervous as he started to play the song. It felt different now that it wasn't an emotional purge or an apology to himself and to Anoop. It sounded even better with Anoop singing. He did some changes to the vocals that suited his voice better and the song filled the room. But it was also the way he was singing the song. It brought Matt back to everything he was feeling back then, things that he still felt despite how happy he was when he finally got to be alone with Anoop. He wanted something to change.

He wanted to be brave.

"It sounds good," Matt said, shaking his hands out after playing the song for a third time.

"You changed it each time we played," Anoop said. "I liked it but we'll have to decide on one way you're going to play it because I have to give the judges the sheet music so they have something to compare. Then you have to play it that way and that way only."

"You know me," Matt said. "I have to switch it up."

"Not in competition, Matt," Anoop said. "We'll work on it. We have three weeks."

"Three weeks." Matt couldn't help sighing loudly. "Just three more weeks. Then you're leaving."

"Shhhhhh..." Anoop said. He kissed Matt, slowly. Matt just wanted Anoop to hold him but that wasn't going to happen on that dirty, hard floor. Instead he put his arms around Anoop and held him tightly.

"We only have that one picture together," Matt said. "We need more pictures."

"How about this?" Anoop said. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and raised to so he could take a picture of them. Matt smiled and tried not to blink when the flash went off.

"It looks good," Matt said, looking over Anoop's shoulder as he messaged the picture to him.

"Kiss me," Anoop said. Matt moved in, happily.

"Stay like that," Anoop said against Matt's lips. He took another picture. Matt laughed when he looked at the picture.

"Is that how you really look when you're kissing me?" Matt said.

"This is how I look." Anoop kissed him again, this time without the camera and Matt knew he was going to have bruised knees again but it would definitely be worth it.

He closed the door quietly when he got back to the room. Kris was fast asleep, mumbling something that sounded like calculus. Matt slipped into bed and looked at the pictures for a long time. He finally locked his phone and held it against his chest with a sigh.

Matt stroked his phone like he was stroking the back of Anoop's head. He wanted Anoop there, snuggled against him, but he just had to imagine. He had to wait for a time that may or may not ever come. Matt closed his eyes tightly, waiting and waiting and waiting for the answers to finally fill his soul but maybe it wasn't going to happen like that. Maybe he just had to choose.

"Tell me what I'm supposed to do," Matt mumbled into the darkness. "Or maybe you already did."


	28. Chapter 28

After a lot of brainstorming they decided to do All I Do by Stevie Wonder as a group number for their final song in the Christmas Classic. Anoop was the one who pointed out that losing him as a lead singer _really_ wasn't a big deal because they were all pretty good singers. Even Megan got on stage for the song, singing part of the first verse and Matt showed her how to play the tambourine. Matt jumped back behind the drums because he could never resist a song that used a lot of cymbals. Jason switched to the guitar and played a pretty sweet guitar solo in the middle.

Matt loved his line: _I light a candle everyday and pray that you always feel this way. And pray that our love will always be new 'cause all I do is think about you._ Then he went back to smashing the drums and the cymbals and they all sang the chorus together and Jason went into his guitar solo. It was a lot of fun, especially the end where they sang _ All I do is think about you _ practically a million times in a row and they had to make each repetition interesting and different before they broke it down at the end. Matt was always sad when he had to slow down the rhythm and crashed the cymbals for the last time.

They sounded amazing. Matt wanted to win.

But he didn't want the semester to end.

Every night he prayed his time with Anoop wouldn't end but it always did and the sun rose on another day. He was busy with classes and studying for finals and practice with both Promises and The Way Down and then late late nights with Anoop. They practiced the song and they made out and got each other off and then practiced the song. Matt went bed alone, always alone, and thought about various ways to make Anoop come until he fell asleep. They didn't have a lot of time to try a lot of new things but sometimes Matt pretended that they did.

Time didn't stop. Before he knew it Matt's finals were over and his grades were posted almost immediately, four 'B's and one 'A' in his New Testament class. Matt knew that most students left school as soon as their finals were over but not at Gates. Everyone stayed through the weekend after the finals ended on Friday to hang out on Saturday and then attend Chapel on Sunday, the final one of the year. It was special because the service was long, preparing them for Christmas, preparing them for the new year, with twice the number of Senior Sermons. Parents came to service and alumni stopped by if they were still in the area. It was usually one of Matt's favorite days of the year.

But now it was the worst. Because that would be his last day with Anoop.

The Christmas Classic was on Saturday. They were going down that morning to spend the day there at the competition. Matt still hadn't told the guys in Promises about his other commitments. He figured they could find out when they were in the auditorium at UALR.

He and Anoop decided not to practice that Friday. They had the song down to a science. Anoop helped Matt remember how to play the song exactly the same way each time and he sounded amazing singing every word with so much passion that sometimes it didn't even sound like the song Matt wrote but he liked that. Instead of sneaking out to the music building they stayed in the dorm on a couch in one of the lounges. Matt laid on his back and Anoop laid on top of him. They kissed for a long time, bodies pressed together, completely clothed and Matt knew it wasn't going to go any further than that. Not tonight. He wanted to hold Anoop and take a deep breath, feel the heat of his skin, the way his chest moved up and down as he breathed, memorize his weight, his face, the soft touch of his lips, the caress of his hands, memorize those facts all over again.

Anoop buried his face in Matt's neck. They hadn't said anything for a long time. There was just the sound of making out and occasionally Matt couldn't help but sigh. Matt stroked Anoop's hair, pulling his fingers through to the ends, the soft hairs that brushed the back of Anoop's neck. He didn't know what he was going to miss most. He was just going to miss everything.

"Stop being sad," Anoop said, piercing the silences. Matt opened his mouth to say something but Anoop interrupted them with a kiss. The room was dark except for the moonlight creeping through the windows. Matt didn't have his eye on the door. He didn't car.

"I can't help it," Matt finally said when Anoop moved away.

"I like it when you smile," Anoop said. Matt did smile then, just because Anoop said that and it made him feel good. Anoop smiled back.

"I like it when you smile," Matt said. "I like it so much, Noop."

"I love you," Anoop said. Matt always felt like fireworks were going off in his chest when he heard Anoop say that. It was a very good feeling.

"I love you, too," Matt said. "So what happens now?"

Anoop didn't say anything, he just kissed him. Matt was sure that kissing was the last thing that was going to happen after Sunday service. Matt moved away from Anoop's lips, just slightly, just enough to let him know that he wanted to talk.

"I understand," Matt said, even though he really _didn't_ in a way but the rational part of him did understand that things like this just didn't last over weeks and miles and states and various degrees of being closeted.

"I bet UNC has a lot of..." Matt trailed off. He waited but Anoop didn't say anything.

"I don't expect you to wait for me," Matt whispered.

It was the right thing to say but it wasn't what he wanted at all. Anoop still didn't say anything. He was probably too overwhelmed with relief. Matt knew he should feel good for letting Anoop off of the hook. Sacrifice was probably the biggest proof of love or something. Matt really didn't know anything about it. He wanted his love to be selfish. He wanted Anoop always by his side but it wasn't going to work out like that. He had to try to accept it. Anoop was going back to North Carolina to write a paper, to graduate with honors, to go to frat parties without rules and flirt with girls or maybe a guy and go back to his bedroom with the condoms and no lies. Back to a place where he could do whatever he wanted without worrying about getting struck down by God and the school administration at the exact same time.

"Anoop?" Matt asked. Anoop was still breath, slowly, evenly, but not like he was sleeping, just in a relaxed Anoop way. At least someone was relaxed. Matt's heart was pounding painfully in his chest. He wanted to get off the couch, have Anoop slam him up against the wall and tease him mercilessly before final attacking his cock with his mouth. Maybe that would take his mind off of everything.

Maybe not.

"Anoop," Matt said again. "How many girls did you sleep with?"

Anoop lifted his head and looked down at Matt carefully. Then he held up three fingers.

"Wow," Matt said. He wasn't quite sure if that was an impressive number but it sounded like a lot to him. He thought he was only going to sleep with one girl in his whole life. Now he was fairly certain that he wasn't going to sleep with a girl at all.

The corners of Anoop's lips twitched, mouth closed in a half-apologetic, half-nonchalant smile.

"It was over the course of three years," Anoop said with a shrug.

"How--" Matt said, not sure what he was trying to say. "Like... I mean, was it like a one night stand or... these were your... girlfriends?"

Anoop laughed a little, more of a exhale of air that Matt could feel on his neck. "It wasn't serious. None of them were serious. But more than a one night stand. Maybe one was a one night stand, at a party."

"Was it..." Matt trailed off again and gathered his nerve. "Was it ever romantic?"

This time Anoop looked right down at him. Matt couldn't always read Anoop's dark brown eyes but he tried very harder.

"Do you want it to be?" he asked.

Matt looked away first. He flared his nostrils and tried not to blush. He didn't really care how it was, he just wanted it to be with Anoop.

"I want to wait for you," Anoop said. He put his hands on Matt's face. Matt looked at him again. He still couldn't read Anoop's look but he felt more hopeful.

"We can see how it goes," Matt said. He felt diplomatic and mature. He lifted his chin to kiss Anoop properly but Anoop shook his head.

"Matt, when I say I'm going to do something I'm going to do it," he said.

"Yeah, like when you said you were going to write a thesis on being gay at a Christian college?" Matt said. Anoop stared at him for a moment and then they both started laughing. Anoop kissed his forehead, the bridge of his nose and then his lips, a sweet, playful kiss. Matt felt his heart slowing down.

"It's part of the things I pray for," Anoop said. "I don't want to give you up."

"Are you still going to pray?" Matt asked.

Anoop nodded. "I don't want to give that up either."

Matt didn't know why that should matter but it made him feel better. It made him feel like this was real. Like they actually had a chance afterward, after this next semester, after graduation, after these months apart when they would finally find a way to be together again.

Matt swallowed hard, realization coming over him. Even after Gates there would always be Gates. People would have certain expectations. The rules would always be there. He'd always have to lie. Even when he and Anoop were living their own lives after college—together—there would be a part of him that would always have to lie, always have to hide. He wouldn't be able to escape these impossible expectations.

Unless he did something about them.

"Don't say something you can't really do," Matt whispered. Anoop just kissed him and they kissed harder and harder until Matt was breathless. When they finally pulled away he gasped for air and he felt like he was very close to crossing a line that he wouldn't be able to come back from.

"I don't say those things," Anoop said. He brushed his thumb against Matt's lips, softly. Matt didn't say anything. He just listening to his breathing, to Anoop's breathing, turned his head and tried to see the stars climbing across the night sky but he was at a funny angle and he really couldn't see anything.

"We're staying overnight tomorrow," Anoop said. Matt sat up, so quickly that he was light-headed and Anoop almost tumbled off the couch.

"What?" he said.

"Katy convinced them," he said. "She said the competition usually gives out prizes late and it would be best for us to go back in the morning."

Matt's mouth was open. He couldn't help it. He really didn't expect this. A second chance.

God had to be listening.

"Guess where we're staying?" Anoop continued, barely pausing for an answer. "Holiday Inn."

Matt could hardly breathe. He was scared if he did then he'd find out that this was all a dream. He fell asleep on the couch. But Anoop kissed him on the corner of his mouth on his left side and then the other side. It felt so real.

"Noop..." Matt whispered. Anoop's lips touched his mouth, softly.

"It can be a little romantic," Anoop said. "I'll try."

Matt blinked rapidly. He even pinched his side. He was right there and this was really happening or, most importantly, it really was going to happen.

Saturday night, the very next night, after the competition they were finally going to get a chance to be together just like it should have been the first time. He was going to really _feel_ Anoop for the first time, feel their love, feel the energy they shared, feeling their heat, feel their release, the sweat, the come, the slick lube, the condoms, the teeth and tongues and touch all coming together at once, everything they'd been dying to do--_everything_\--no restrictions, finally.

Finally.

Their last night together.

Everything happened for a reason. Matt believed it. God controlled it. He ran his hand over the smooth curve of Anoop's ass through his jeans, moved his finger down the crack in the middle and that's when he knew he crossed that line and everything after this night was going to be part of a new life.


	29. Chapter 29

They got to the Holiday Inn in Little Rock around 8:30 on Saturday but it still wasn't soon enough. Katy was in charge. The administration trusted her so much that they didn't send any formal chaperones, saying that almost everyone were upperclassmen and it was only one day and most of the time they would be engaged in a strict music competition.

But not all the time.

"Let's pick roommates," Katy said, juggling hotel room keys and her overnight bag in her hands.

"Me and Anoop!" Matt shouted, grabbing Anoop's arm. He didn't mean to actually yell but other people glanced over at them.

"Whoa," Kris said. "I'm hurt."

"You don't get to have me all the time," Matt said, telling himself to calm down but his heart was just racing and his mind was swimming and he wanted to get _up_ there. "You have to share."

Kris shrugged. "If you say so." He turned and looked at Jason. Tim and David teamed up. Danny and Scott were a given. Megan, Katy and Allison seemed thrilled to share a room together, even if it meant two of them had to share a bed.

It was only one night.

"So everyone get changed," Katy said. "We should meet down here in at 9:15."

"You know what?" Megan said. "It's Anoop's last night at Gates. We should go out tonight. Hit the bars. We're in downtown Little Rock, there's something happening tonight."

"No!" Matt said. Everyone stared. "I mean... it's gonna be... late and we have a busy day. Anoop, he'll probably just want to rest tonight. Be in the room. You know, go to sleep early. We shouldn't push him."

"What the hell?" Megan said, not even hiding her annoyance as she glared at Matt.

"Let's talk about it tonight," Anoop said. "It sounds like fun." He moved his arm away. Matt didn't even realize he hadn't let go.

"Okay," Katy said. She handed Matt the room key with a funny smile. "See you in 45 minutes."

"Jesus, Matt," Anoop said, as soon as the door closed behind them. Matt was already half out of his pants. "Could you be a little more obvious down there?"

"I don't care," Matt said. He really didn't. Not at the moment at least. "I'm so excited." He pulled off his shirt. He was already half-hard from the anticipation and the draft from the air-conditioner hitting his balls after he stepped out of his boxers. No matter what he and Anoop did that night, no matter how many times they did it, he knew that it wasn't going to be enough.

Anoop watched him. Matt flung himself on the bed, naked.

"Katy said to change," Anoop said.

"Then we better hurry up," Matt said. He grinned when Anoop finally came over and crawled over to him, kissing him and reaching down to grab his cock. Matt kissed him back, hard, and bucked his hips, moving himself against Anoop as he stroked his cock up and down. He pulled Anoop down on top of him, still thrusting with the rhythm of Anoop's hand.

"Oh..." Matt breathed. He closed his eyes, already sweaty, but everything was better on a bed and not the hard floor or the too-hard couch.

"You're humping me like a dog," Anoop said. He took his hand away for a moment to wipe his palm on his jeans. Matt groaned when Anoop grabbed him again, even harder this time, pumping him faster and faster.

"Woof woof," Matt panted. He squirmed and whimpered helplessly when Anoop went for his balls.

"You are..." Anoop said, trailing off. Matt couldn't see his face too closely but he sounded amused.

"I'm ready--" Matt said, really thrusting himself now as if Anoop's hand was a real hole. He desperately wanted to know what it was like. "To—go!"

Anoop laughed and crouched back on Matt's legs, using too hands now. He liked that Anoop was handling him so roughly. He grunted, bit his lip and tried not to come just yet.

"I liked it--" Matt said. It was hard to breathe but that's the way he wanted. "When you gave me those hickeys."

Anoop leaned over without a word, pressed his tongue against the skin underneath Matt's collarbone sucked him there hard, nipped his skin, tugged slightly with his teeth and Matt moaned some more, pulling his fingers through Anoop's hair, urging him to bite him harder. He could feel that Anoop was hard now, pressing against his leg, lightly.

Matt gasped when Anoop bit him in a new location and then he came all over Anoop's shirt with his hands still in Anoop's hair.

"You should have taken off your shirt," Matt said, trying to catch his breath.

Anoop pulled away, swallowing hard. "We can't get too caught up," he said. "We have to go."

"Noop, I just want to stay here," Matt said. He pulled Anoop back toward his lips and kissed him over and over again. "Let's tell them we're sick. Please, Noop." He kissed Anoop until Anoop was kissing him back. But then Anoop pushed him away again.

"We have 20 minutes to get ready, Matt," Anoop hissed. "Come on. You've got seven songs to do today, playing two different instruments and you have to sing." Matt kissed him again and shook his head.

"I don't care," Matt said. "I just want you. You're my prize. I want to play you. I want to play _with_ you." He kissed Anoop's neck and licked at his adam's apple. Anoop sighed loudly and pushed him away, again.

"Matt, you're playing for me today," Anoop said. "And I want to win." He grabbed Matt's face and squeezed his cheeks together. "Focus."

"I'm focused on getting in your pants," Matt said, in a teasing voice. Anoop laughed and patted his cheek.

"Get up," Anoop said, rolling off the bed. Matt followed him to the bathroom.

"I didn't invite you," Anoop said, taking off his shirt.

"I don't need an invitation," Matt said. He started the shower as Anoop got undressed. He smiled down at Anoop's cock, still hard and waiting for him.

"You're just going to ignore this?" Matt asked with a smile.

"We have like 15 minutes, Matt," Anoop said, seriously. "Or we're going to be late."

"Better hurry up," Matt said. He stepped in the shower with Anoop and Anoop stopped protesting when Matt started jerking him off, quickly. He even slipped a finger inside, something he'd never done before, but everything was slick from the water and Matt planned to explore that new territory later that night so they might as well start now. Anoop shuddered, breathing out slowly. Matt pushed his finger up slowly as far as it would go. Anoop's eyelids fluttered as he closed his eyes tightly.

"Is that okay?" Matt whispered. Anoop nodded, wordlessly. He fingered Anoop gently and stroked him with his other hand. It didn't take Anoop long to come. He kissed Anoop as he pulled his finger out for good.

"We're going to be late," Anoop said. They were about 15 minutes late and Katy look exasperated.

"We were about to leave _without_ you!" she said. Matt was wearing the red dress shirt, black dress pants and black vest that Danny told the band members in Promises to wear. Everyone else could wear what they wanted. Anoop looked good in a loose checkered button down shirt and dark jeans. He couldn't help noticing Megan's very short pleated skirt and her one shoulder tank top that showed off her tattoo and her flat stomach.

"Damn, girl," Matt said as they walked out to the van.

"I figured our rock group needed a rock look. Stop staring at me." Megan shoved him and got up front. Kris fell in step beside him. He was wearing what he usually wore, a plaid shirt and jeans.

"I'm still kind of hurt you didn't want to room with me," Kris said. "And you're going head to head with me in another band. I don't know if I can trust you anymore."

"Between me and you," Matt said. He looked around then leaned in to whisper into Kris' ear. "I'm rooting for your group to win."

"But you're going to bring it, right?" Kris asked, before he climbed in the van. "I don't like easy victories. I prefer to kick ass."

Matt laughed, getting in after Kris. "You know it!"

The music building at UALR was packed with people, both competitors and spectators. The Christmas Classic was a big deal, attracting all sorts of musicians from Christian colleges in Arkansas and surrounding states wandering around in school colors. Matt had three different numbers he needed to wear at different times during the day. He was performing with Promises first and then he'd be with the Way Down and Anoop was last, later in the afternoon.

"What are you going to do until it's our turn?" Matt asked Anoop near the check-in tables. There were so many people milling about but he wanted to take Anoop's hands anyway.

"I'll probably check out the acapella groups," Anoop said. "They are performing auditorium B. And I'll come watch you guys at 1:30."

"I wish you were still singing with us." Matt couldn't help sighing. It was just another painful reminder that he and Anoop were just about out of time. Anoop squeezed his arm and smiled.

"You're going to be great," he said. "With or without me."

"I want to be great with you," Matt said. He frowned when Anoop pulled away.

"Are you guys ready to rock!" Allison said, skipping over to them. "I checked out the competition." Allison shook her head. "Nada. We got this. Right, David?"

David moved closer to Allison, looking sheepish. "I'm ready to—gosh," David said. He started to blush. Allison nudged him expectantly. David took a deep breath, obviously gathering his nerves. "I'm ready to kick some ass."

"David!" Matt gasped, mock-horrified, but David covered his face anyway.

"I'm kidding," Matt said. Anoop laughed.

"I wasn't going to say it but Allison said it would help," David explained, speaking rapidly. "It would help me be more of a threat on the stage. But, gosh, I don't know if I want to be a _threat_\--"

"Yes, you do! A threat is a good thing. We're in a competition, David! We have to be aggressive!" Allison grabbed his hand and squeezed it. David finally looked up and gave her a tentative smile. They walked away, hand-in-hand, as Allison explained her strategy some more. Matt smiled after them. It reminded him of everything he and Anoop didn't have.

"Never thought I'd hear David say ass," Anoop said.

"David said ass?" Megan said, coming over to them. "I feel like this is a good sign. Sorry, Matt, you're going down."

"I'm on your team too!" Matt said.

"Well we're hanging out until competition," Megan said. "You know, having some quality band time. Grab some lunch in a little while. Anoop, you're welcome to come. Matt, you're not because you have to play with Promises." She grinned as Matt rolled his eyes.

"Have fun," Megan said in a sing-song voice. She took Anoop's arm. "Besides, you're hogging Anoop. The rest of us don't get to spend any time with him. Are you sure you have to leave us? What if we kidnap you. I think that's Christian, right?"

Anoop snickered. "I think you're right," he said. He smiled at Matt as he and Megan walked away. Matt closed his eyes. He just wanted the competition to be over so he could go back to the hotel and hold Anoop after they had sweaty, messy, intense sex for a couple of hours.

But he had to perform first.

"Matt!" Danny called from behind him. Matt turned around reluctantly. "Where have you been? We were looking for you."

"I've been here," Matt said. He walked over to where Danny, Scott and Tim were waiting across the hall.

"Promises has never placed lower than first," Danny said. It sounded like a threat. Matt shrugged when Danny gave him a firm look.

"What?" he said.

"Don't mess it up," Scott said.

"I'm going to do what I always do," Matt said. "I play the keys. That's what I do."

"I'm excited," Tim said. "I know Matt will do well. We all will."

"We have to do more than well," Danny said. "We have to, like, blow the competition out of the water! We have to do better than we ever have before."

"Let's pray," Scott said. Matt took Danny's sweaty hand and Tim's smooth one. He bowed his head and closed his eyes. He tried to focus on Scott's words to God but he was distracted by the memory of his finger in Anoop's ass. Matt kept his eyes closed a little longer after Scott said amen. He had a lot to apologize for.

Matt actually felt nervous when they went to Meeting Room B and waited their turn. He could hear the other band inside, singing familiar traditional Christmas songs with clean harmonies and excellent instrumentation. There was quite a bit of talent at this competition and despite all of the distractions Matt did feel pretty competitive. He nodded at the group once they trooped out of the room. The judges nodded at them to take their positions. The room had a small stage. All the necessary instruments were there. The judges sat at a long table not too far away and then there were open seats in the back for spectators.

Matt didn't expect anyone to watch although there were a few random people in the room who seemed comfortable, probably waiting for someone else's turn. Matt climbed up on stage. Tim helped Scott find his way to the drums. They looked rather professional in their matching outfits but Matt still found it cheesy. He skimmed his fingers over the keys. After all the excitement in the hotel room Matt hadn't even thought about warming up. He played a few scales quickly, trying not to look as flustered as he felt. Anoop was right. He had to focus.

"Five minutes, gentleman," the head judge said. Matt shook out his hands. They were shaking, just a little.

"Remember," Danny hissed, looking at all of them. "Follow Scott's rhythm. Don't screw up." Danny glared at Matt when he said that. Matt felt like walking off of that stage. Instead he just looked at the piano, black and white keys blurring in front of his eyes. He would get through this. And he was going to be great.

Matt looked up when heard some commotion at the back of the room and then people started cheering. He was honestly surprised to see Kris, Katy, Jason, David, Allison, Megan and Anoop clapping and hooting as they took seats in the front row of the spectator section.

"Yeah!" Katy called. "Go Promises."

Matt turned to Tim who looked as bewildered as he felt.

"Good job, guys," Kris said, loudly. "You got this."

"Kick some ass!" David shouted. Everyone erupted into laughter. The head judge turned around, frowning.

"Please quiet down or you will be removed," he said, sternly. David blushed to his hairline and sunk down in his chair next to Allison who put her arms around him, still laughing. Anoop was grinning and when he caught Matt's eye, he winked.

Matt smiled but it was a smile he didn't want everyone to see. He covered his mouth with his hand and waited until he could compose himself. Then he was ready.

"You can begin," the judge said.

Matt waited for Scott's signal and then he was playing. The three songs passed quickly, blending into each other so the whole experience was a blur but at the end Matt knew he had given the music everything he had. They got a standing ovation from everyone in the room. Matt stepped off the stage and gave Megan a hug.

"You better play that well for us," she said, kissing his cheek. "I love watching you play, Matt. You look so happy. You looked like you were in love."

Matt just grinned. He gave Allison and Katy hugs. He clapped Jason on the back. Kris gave him a hug, one of those tight, cuddly ones where he pressed his face in Matt's shoulder like he was trying to suffocate himself. It used to make Matt feel really hot but now he only felt nostalgic.

"You were amazing," Kris said into Matt's shirt.

"Thank you," Matt said. "You know that's how I usually roll."

Kris pulled away and laughed. Anoop was next, standing in front of Matt with his hand out. Matt shook it, feeling almost shy.

"I expect a performance like that for my song," Anoop said. "Only better."

Anoop didn't let go of his hand. Matt grinned. "You got it," he said.

The others also congratulated Danny, Scott and Tim who all looked surprised and pleased, Danny most of all.

"Hey, we're not real rivals," Katy said. "We all come from the same college. We support each other. Always. Competition or not. Promises is an amazing group."

"Thank you," Danny said with a genuine smile on his face. Matt felt good. It made the waiting a little easier.

There was a lunch break at noon. Lunch was included in the entry fee and it was surprisingly good, a buffet of all sorts of foods like cold cuts and chicken and hot dogs and burgers. Matt sat inbetween Danny and Kris with Anoop across from him. He watched the way Anoop was slowly picking his way through his pasta salad.

"Can we watch you?" Danny asked the group at the long table. There were so many people, most of them dressed alike or at least wearing buttons with their school's name on it. Matt felt like he was part of a rag tag group for his performance with the Way Down.

"Only if you promise not to get _too_ jealous," Megan said. "Of the kick-ass way Matt sings for our group. And our ending number is pretty classic. But I think you can handle it."

"We'll see," Scott said and Matt remembered that Anoop wasn't the only competitive one.

"It's going to be fun," Kris said.

"We should take a picture!" Katy exclaimed, standing up. Everyone groaned, still chewing and swallowing but Katy waved off their protests.

"No," she said. "We can't miss this. Who knows if this is going to be the last time? We don't know if we'll ever get another opportunity when we're all together just like this."

She looked at Anoop. Matt knew because he looked at Anoop, too. Anoop just wiped his mouth and looked ready for the picture.

Katy had her camera in her hands and held it up to her face.

"No!" Allison said. "It should be _all_ of us!"

Katy lowered the camera and started to look around.

"Hey, I can do that," a familiar voice said. Matt looked up into Adam's face. He was looking at all of them with an easy grin.

"Adam!" Allison exclaimed. She knocked over her empty plastic cup as she jumped to her feet to hug him. Matt sucked in his breath, completely surprised for a moment until he remembered that Adam did say he'd be there. He was wearing a t-shirt advertising Rent. It all made more sense than mere coincidence.

"Hey guys," Adam said after he finished hugging Allison. He took Katy's camera and gestured for her to sit down. "Okay, everyone say 'cheese'!"

Matt smiled as Kris slipped his arm around Matt. They took a normal one and then a silly one and one when not everyone was looking. Adam handed the camera back to Katy.

"These pictures are great," he said. "You guys really are a good-looking bunch."

"You're Adam Lambert?" Danny asked with his mouth sort of open.

"Yep, that's me," Adam said. "Completely unreformed. Sorry about that. We're performing after the competition is over, while everyone waits for the judges. I hope to see you there."

"Like we'd miss it," Megan said. She got up to give Adam a hug of her own. Matt felt jittery from nerves about the competition, nerves about being with Anoop, the sort of over-all excitement he felt when he was near Adam. It wasn't a bad feeling. He looked up when Adam laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," he said, looking down at Matt. "How are you doing?"

It was a question that asked a lot of things. Matt made a face. "All right," he said. "I'm about to perform with the band and then I'm doing a song with Noop. You should check it out, if you can. The one I'm doing with Noop. I wrote it." He felt a little arrogant saying that but on the other hand it was a true statement and he did want Adam to hear Anoop sing it.

"Sure," Adam said. "I'll be there. What time? This afternoon? That's no problem."

Anoop walked over to them and Adam smiled. "You look much better than the last time I saw you."

Anoop shrugged. "Yeah, that flu sucked," he said.

"Heard you're singing a Matt original," Adam said. Anoop nodded and put his arm around Matt's back. Matt smiled because he knew that Anoop knew that Adam was one of the few people who could see them for who they really were to each other.

"Wrote it for me," Anoop said. "I'm nervous."

"Nah," Adam said. "You two are going to be amazing. I'm excited to see this. I really am."

"I'm looking forward to seeing you," Anoop said. "I was kind of out it during Rent so this will be a new experience."

"I'll make it good," Adam said. "I love singing about love." He winked at them. Anoop held Matt a little tighter. Matt wasn't quite sure what all of this meant but he definitely enjoyed it.

Matt felt almost unprepared when it was finally time for The Way Down to take the stage. He had never performed like this, naked and vulnerable in front of the stage holding a microphone with one hand instead of both of his hands on the keys. But he wasn't playing an instrument until the last song when he was taking over the drums.

Anoop and Adam sat together up front. Danny, Scott and Tim sat more toward the back. Other than that there wasn't anyone else in the room but the judges.

"Hi," Matt said into the microphone when the judges gave them the signal that it was time to begind. "We're called the Way Down and... Merry Christmas."

Jason counted off their first Christmas song and then they started. Matt was still wearing his red shirt and black slacks from promises, only he had taken off the vest and Megan rolled up his sleeves and unbuttoned the front some. She said it was more of a rock look. Matt didn't really have any basis to argue with her.

They sounded better than they ever had before or at least Matt thought so. He moved smoothly into the next song, stepping closer to the edge of the stage and holding his mic closer. He tried out some runs and glory notes that he'd never really tried before but he knew it was working. He sang this way alone in the shower but now he wasn't alone and he sounded better than he ever had with water pounding on his face.

Matt was giddy by the time they got to All I Do. Excitement coursed through his veins. He sped the song up, just a little, but everyone kept up with him and it seemed to work. They fed off of each other's energy, really ramping up the end of the song so it was heated, full of passion and love for the song and music in general. Matt thought the judges could feel it as he pounded the drums and crashed the cymbals. Adam jumped to his feet at the end and started dancing. He pulled Anoop up too. Matt could tell that Anoop was blushing because of the silly smile plastered to his face but he did move his hips some. Tim came up to the front to join the dance party. Matt ended the song by slowing it down so they could savor the last line. Then it was over.

"Results will be announced this evening," the head judge said. Matt got off the stage and went straight to Anoop's arms. He didn't even care. Anoop hugged him back, resting his head on the top of Matt's head.

"Great job," he said.

"That was _amazing_!" Allison yelled. She kissed David, enthusiastically, who looked mostly surprised.. Everyone seemed to be overjoyed. Megan wrapped her arms around Adam and made him lift her off of the ground.

"I felt it!" Megan said, once she was back on the ground. "I really felt it. I think we have this one, boys."

"It was so wonderful to watch," Adam said, smiling. "You all really came together on that stage. I felt it, too. Great job, Matt, singing. You were born for this."

Matt pulled away from Anoop, finally. "Thanks," he said. He felt almost shy. Anoop let him go but in a gentle way. Matt was still feeling good, sort of dangerous and raw, like he was a live wire, sparking with electricity in a place where he shouldn't be.

"It's going to be tough to top that," Adam said. "But I think you can do it." He nodded at Anoop who nodded back.

"That's what I plan to do," Anoop said, seriously. They still had an hour and a half until their performance and then there was the judging and then—

"Hey!" Megan said, looking at the group. "So what are we doing tonight? And no, Matt, you don't get to make the plans. You're weird. We need to celebrate. Especially since it's Anoop's last night. Adam, any ideas?"

"Oh you guys want to go out tonight?" Adam said. "My band is playing at a bar downtown. It's going to be a sweet time if you guys wanna come. Hang VIP."

"It's settled!" Megan said. "You can get the underagers in too, right, Adam?"

"I think something can be arranged," Adam said, smiling at Allison.

"Do you think we could have a little sip of something, too?" Allison asked. David looked mortified.

"Let's not push our luck," Megan said. "We still have to go to chapel tomorrow."

"Can't miss that," Katy said. "The last Sunday service of the semester is always my favorite."

"It goes on and on," Megan said. "It's like the energizer bunny. And guess what? Dwyer gave me the _honor_ of giving my senior sermon tomorrow. It'll be the last thing we do." She sighed, rolling her eyes.

"What are you going to talk about?" Tim asked, pleasantly. Megan shook her head.

"No idea," Megan said. "I was thinking I'd let the Lord infect me at the altar. Is that a good plan?"

"I don't think infect in the appropriate term," Scott said. He and Danny had finally joined them. The judges were preparing for the next group.

"Whatever you want to call it," Megan said. "I'm hoping for a miracle."

"Then you better pray for it," Scott said. "You have to ask for what you want."

"I want to not have to deal with this," Megan said. "But it doesn't look like he's listening. So let's just have fun tonight. That's all you can do."

Scott opened his mouth to say something else but Katy stepped in. "Going to see your band would be great," she said to Adam in the kind voice she used to diffuse tense situations. Matt had always appreciated that about her.

"As long as we don't stay out too late," she added. "We do need to get back in the morning."

"Yeah, it can't be too late," Matt agreed. He didn't know how he was going to stand all that time at the bar when he and Anoop could be in their room doing what he'd been dreaming of—could he really call it making love?

He hoped so.

"Then it's a date," Adam said. He gave Katy a flyer with all the information on it. "I'll see you guys in a little bit. For Anoop's song." He gave a wave and then he left the room.

"Do you really think this is a good idea?" Scott said as soon as Adam left.

"Yeah, Scott and I were, like, talking about it," Danny said. "We shouldn't be hanging around Adam. He got kicked out of Gates for a _reason_."

"It's really not that big of a deal," Kris said.

"Yeah, guys," Megan said. "Just because he's gay doesn't mean you're going to catch it. Calm down."

Every time Matt heard someone say the word "gay" he got a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. He glanced at Anoop and wondered if he felt the same way but Anoop just looked like he always did.

"He doesn't share our values," Scott said. "And that could be dangerous."

"Adam's not a bad guy!" Allison said, loudly. "He's really nice. He's a lot of fun! You guys don't even know him. Isn't there something in the bible about giving someone a chance?"

Everyone was silent for a moment. Finally, Scott just shook his head. "Just don't forget what we believe," Scott said.

Matt's heart was still pounding. He still believed, he really did, just in a different way now. He wanted to show them what had changed but he didn't know how without it ending badly. Anoop was right. It was just one more semester. He had to hold on.

But he didn't know if he could.

The group broke up soon after that. Some people wanted to go to the ice cream place around the corner and there were other music acts to watch and Matt found himself alone with Anoop who was looking over the music.

"We have to play it just like this," Anoop said. He held up the sheet music that didn't make a whole lot of sense to Matt but he knew how to play it. Matt nodded. They weren't alone but he sort of felt like they were. The hallway was quiet except for the soft sounds of a piano drifting through a closed wooden door not too far away.

"I know," Matt said. He leaned in toward Anoop even though they weren't quite alone. "Maybe we can just skip that party," he whispered. If they really were alone he would have kissed Anoop then but Matt knew the boundaries even if he kept pushing them.

"So are you ready?" Anoop put his hands on Matt's shoulders and shook him a little. Matt smiled. Maybe Anoop was testing the boundaries too.

"We still have an hour, Noop," Matt said. "But yeah, I'm ready."

"What are we going to do for an hour?" Anoop asked.

"Get nervous," Matt said. He shook out his hands and laughed.

"You're nervous?"

"Well," Matt admitted, looking down at Anoop's shoes. He was wearing colorful sneakers that seemed a little out of place. "I just want to do good for you. Really good."

"You're amazing," Anoop said, seriously. He squeezed Matt's shoulders a little harder. Then he brought his hands up and cupped the side of Matt's face.

"Maybe we should skip the party," Anoop muttered.

"Yeah, maybe," Matt said. Anoop pressed his hands against Matt's face a little harder. Matt pulled away but he didn't take his eyes off of Anoop.

"I think that..." Matt said. "Don't you think it would be good to release some tension, Noop?"

"We can't mess up our costumes," Anoop said, although hardly anything they were wearing come be called a costume. Anoop followed him into a stall anyway. There wasn't anyone in there to notice. They made out against the wall in the stall furthest from the door. It was hard not to go any further than kissing but they did have a performance in less than an hour. Anoop pushed Matt's shirt out of his pants, pressed his fingertips against Matt's sides. He willed himself not to get hard, to just enjoy the feeling of Anoop's mouth against his own because in less than 24 hours that wasn't going to be happening anymore. Not for a long time at least.

"Oh..." Anoop breathed into Matt's mouth. Matt kissed his neck, sucked that spot below Anoop's ear that made his eyelids fluttered. He had to pull away because he didn't know how much longer he could control himself. Anoop seemed to be feeling the same way.

"I wouldn't want to play with anyone but you," Anoop said, running his fingers through Matt's hair, adjusting his curls. Matt sort of wished he'd gotten a haircut before the competition but with Anoop leaving so soon he'd been very distracted.

"I hope you remember that when you're back at UNC," Matt said, mostly joking but also a little sad because he couldn't help it. Anoop kissed each of his cheeks in turn.

"I hope you remember that I love you," Anoop said, matter-of-factly. Matt's heart was racing again. He never got sick of hearing Anoop say that, especially when he said it like it wasn't something that was going to change easily.

"Me too," Matt whispered.

Anoop kissed his forehead and then they kissed a little more before pulling away for good. Matt left the bathroom after Anoop. He grabbed some water and drank it slowly. He was still a little thirsty but his heart felt full. Matt wanted to keep feeling like that for the performance.

The room for the individual performances was smaller. The judges seemed closer. Matt set himself up behind the piano. He had missed playing even in his short absence from the keys. The piano needed a little tuning so Matt did that quickly. Their classmates were all there, watching and waiting quietly. None of them had heard the song before. Matt knew and he knew that Anoop knew what they were doing.

Singing the song was very close to telling the truth.

Adam walked in right before they were about to begin. He flashed Matt a grin that filled him with a dose of confidence that he needed. Anoop looked at him and nodded for him to begin.

Matt wrote it as a song that build into something striking and powerful at the end. Anoop helped him develop that by directing the way that Matt played and his voice told the story that Matt heard in his head. Anoop didn't do the same runs that Matt did but his tone and his pitch were always perfect. He had control that Matt only dreamed of. It was amazing to hear his words in Anoop's voice. _It took God seven days to create the world. It took me seven to break down. Seventh day breakdown. Seven days until I came back to you._

He closed his eyes and played, let the music course through his body, permeate his skin, flow through his blood. He didn't want to experience anything else at the moment. His hands moved like they were someone else's, following the path that he and Anoop had carefully created. The end of the song meant the end of something else, something important, something that they couldn't get back.

Matt didn't want the song to end.

But the song ended. It always did. Anoop started clapping first. Everyone else seemed to stare. Matt thought he might have tears in his eyes but when he rubbed them they were completely dry.

"Thank you," the judge said. "Results will be announced shortly."

Matt felt dazed as he walked away. He was jolted back to reality when Katy touched his arm.

"That was beautiful," she told him. She really did have tears in her eyes. Matt ipened his mouth, shocked.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Katy..."

Katy pressed her cheek against Matt's chest and hugged him tightly for a long time. Matt didn't mind it. He and Anoop didn't get a chance to talk about it. Adam's performance was just a few minutes later and he was amazing as usual, lighting up the stage as Angel even though he was wearing his regular clothes. They talked about student tickets and how the play was only in town for two more weeks. Matt pressed his lips together, feeling a twinge of loss in the pit of his stomach. It felt like everyone was leaving.

The whole room gave the Rent actors a standing ovation except for Danny, who was sitting next to Matt.

"Hey," Matt whispered, nudging Danny's foot. He didn't budge.

"Come on," Matt said, a little louder, still clapping. Even Scott was standing up. But Danny shook his head.

"It's wrong," he said. "I don't know how you guys can support this."

Danny stared stubbornly ahead at nothing. Matt wanted to scream at him. Instead he just clapped louder and he threw in a shout. "Go Adam!" he yelled. People looked at him. He clapped with his hands over his head. Adam caught his eye, gave him a smile. It made Matt feel a little better.

The results came soon after that. Matt kept his hands clasped like he was praying. He wasn't quite sure what to pray for. He felt all prayed out.

Matt wasn't surprised when Promises won. Danny jumped out of his seat and accepted their plaque. Everyone clapped loudly, patted him on the back. Matt knew they would win and he was happy about it, just not overly thrilled. Promises had the sound, they had the look, they had everything that everyone was looking for. That everyone was used to.

But Matt wanted something different.

He was shocked when Anoop won the individual competition. Anoop didn't look surprised. He just got up and accepted his plaque while everyone clapped with a calm look on his face. Matt admired that about Anoop. He didn't know how he could keep his emotions so carefully hidden. Matt had never been good at that.

Anoop came back to where they were sitting and gave Matt a hug that surprised him even more after everyone congratulated him. He pressed the plaque into Matt's hands.

"This is for you," he said. "It's really your song. You won."

"No, Noop, it's yours" Matt said, but Anoop wouldn't take it back.

"Really," Anoop said. "It's because of you. You made me better."

Matt held the plaque and he felt like he could smile at Anoop forever but they didn't have time for that. Megan wanted to get dinner before they went to Adam's party. They had a big debate about whether or not to go back to the hotel before going out for the evening. Matt was relieved when they decided just to stay out. He was very sure that if he and Anoop hit the hotel room again they would never come back out and that was something he'd have a very hard time explaining away the next morning.

They had dinner at a restaurant down the street that Kris recommended. They had a nice view of the river in theory but the sun had set so it was hard to see anything. Matt sat in the booth, squeezed between Allison and Tim on his side. The place had a lot of good bar food so they ordered a plate of nachos, mozzarella sticks and onion petals to share for starters. They left the plaques in the van.

Everyone was buried in their own small side conversations, talking loudly over the general din of the restaurant. Tim told a funny story about some group he watched who was supposed to be singing a round but one person forgot their verse so they ended up ending at the same time. Matt laughed, stuffing a tortilla chip in his mouth. He looked up when Katy tapped her water glass with her knife.

"Hey guys," she said. "I just wanted to say something. I mean, it's just been an incredible semester. All of us working hard on our music, working hard on becoming closer to God. I can really see it. I think we're a stronger group now then when we started. So I just wanted to say thank you and I'm going to miss you all over break! Especially Anoop. I'm so sorry we have to say goodbye to you."

Anoop was sitting on the other side. He smiled bashfully as Kris wrapped his arms around him and buried his face into Anoop's shoulder dramatically.

"Don't go!" he wailed, dramatically. Everyone laughed, even Danny and Scott.

"You've just been a joy, Anoop," Katy said. "In case I don't get to thank you later. Thank you for everything you've taught us about a different way of having faith. God puts people in our paths for a reason. We're very lucky."

"Thank you," Anoop said. "I'm the lucky one. It's been great getting to know all of you. I know it started off different than it ended up but I believe what Katy said. God does things for a reason. So, this was meant to be." He was smiling at everyone but when he caught Matt's eye Matt knew that particular smile was special.

"We certainly got to be a sappy group," Megan said. They laughed some more. When their meals came Megan was the one that told them to hold hands and said the blessing for the main course.

Matt kept his eye on the time. He didn't need to sleep. He could go home with Kris for the day after chapel on Sunday and then drive back to Michigan in the morning. This night was going to be all about Anoop. He wanted to spend every single second with him, touching him, savoring him, holding him, as soon as they got to be alone. He hoped Anoop had the same thing in mind.

Adam was performing at a bar when a small venue in the back where there was a stage with speakers and lights overhead. A crowd was already gathered at the front of the stage for the nine o'clock show and the bar was hopping. Matt noticed several people from the competition.

"I'm drinking," Megan said. She gave Danny a look, who was standing next to Matt. "Feel free to report me."

Danny rolled his eyes. Megan went to the bar. Anoop joined her, pulling out his credit card.

"Come on, Danny," Matt said when Danny continued to glare in Megan's general direction.

"We shouldn't be here," Danny said. "It's against the rules."

"It's against the rules to drink," Matt said. "It's not against the rules to be at the bar watching a cool show. Dean Dwyer gave us permission to be out tonight. Let's enjoy it. Come on, Danny."

"I'm not comfortable with this," Danny said, shrugging. "We're not in the right environment." He turned to Matt and grabbed his arm, roughly. "Don't you care that we're surrounded by sin?"

Matt moved his arm around and sighed. "Danny," he said, patiently. "This is the real world. Not everywhere is like Gates. We have to learn how to be ourselves in places like this, too."

"We don't have to be here!" Danny hissed. He walked away and joined Scott who was sitting at a table on the other side of the room. Matt shook his head.

Kris and Katy were talking to Megan and Anoop at the bar. Matt joined David and Allison on the dance floor.

"Dance with us, Matt," Allison said, grabbing his hand. Matt twisted his hips, still holding Allison's hand. David was shuffling from foot to foot, chuckling self-consciously. At least he had rhythm.

"DJ's got us falling in love again!" Matt sang with the music, backing up on Allison, playfully. She laughed hysterically and pretending to smack his ass.

"Oh gosh," David said, completely flustered now. Matt laughed loudly as Megan came over to him.

"Let me show you how to really get down," Megan said. She pushed Matt away from Allison and danced up on him, bending over like a music video. Matt didn't know if she remembered that her skirt was so short so he made sure to stay close to her, putting his hands on her hips and moving with her the best that he could.

"Something naughty is going on here," Kris said, walking over to them with Katy.

"I think we're caught," Matt said.

"Are you gonna report us?" Megan asked with a grin.

"No, we're going to show you up," Katy said. She wrapped her arms around Kris's neck and her leg around Kris's waist and they were gyrating together.

"Whoa!" Matt said.

"They didn't teach that in bible study," Anoop said, stepping up to Matt suddenly.

"Kris!" Danny squeaked. Kris and Katy laughed, holding on to each other after their dirty dance.

"And they haven't even kissed," Megan said. "I don't know how they do it. Damn."

"Willpower," Matt said. He was glad he had none of that.

The show started a few minutes later. They crowded as close to the front as they could. Danny and Scott stayed at the table.

Adam was powerful on stage. There was no other way to describe it. He knew how to sing, he knew how to move, he knew how to work the stage. It was different from his Rent performance. This was everything Adam wanted to be, who he really was. Matt moved with the music, clapped his hands. It was fun rock/pop music, easy to pick up on, easy to dance to. There was so much energy in the room, all sorts of energy—music and sex and happiness and fun. Matt felt relaxed and ready for everything that was yet to come. Anoop seemed to enjoy the concert as much as he was but when Matt turned around he could feel Danny's eyes, disturbed and dissaproving.

"Everybody!" Adam shouted from the stage. "If you're in love, I want you to show it. Never be ashamed! If it's the right kind of love you want to show it off. Let's live love!"

Matt clapped along with everyone else but he was shocked when literally everyone on the stage started making out. Adam grabbed a small blonde-haired guy on his left and attacked his lips to with his mouth. Another two guys were making out on the other side of the stage. Two girls wrapped their arms around each other and kissed sensually. Matt's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He certainly didn't remember this from the first time he saw Adam's band perform.

"Wow," Tim said, beside him.

"I want to make out with someone!" Megan said. It had definitely spread. People were making out in the audience. Allison grabbed David and kissed him. David even kissed her back. Matt hoped Megan wouldn't make a move on him. She didn't. He wished that Anoop would. He didn't make a move, either.

The make-out session on stage ended and then Adam ended his set. The next set was going to start in 30 minutes. Matt checked the time. It was only a little after ten. He could wait for a little longer. His heart was still pounding from the show. He felt extremely turned on from everything. When he got Anoop alone he was just going to explode.

"We have to see the next show," Katy said, excitedly. "I bet it's even better."

"We need to get out of here," Danny said, standing behind them, suddenly. "We need to leave."

"What?" Katy said, turning around. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Did you see that?" Danny said, pointing at the stage. He was practically yelling and not because the music was loud. "This isn't where we should be. We have to go!"

"Come on, Danny," Katy started but Danny wasn't listening.

"Look," Danny said. "I don't know when you, like, started getting so loose but some of us still know how to follow the guidelines outlined by the bible!"

"Oh, come on, Danny!" Matt said. He was sick of Danny messing with his good mood. "We're not doing anything."

"Yes, you are!" Danny said. "By being here you're supporting this—this filth, this _sin_..."

"Danny!" Matt said. He grabbed Danny's arm and pulled him over to the small corner near the tables that was kind of away from everyone. It was a little easier to hear over there. Matt peered into Danny's glasses and sighed.

"We're just trying to have a good time," Matt said. "Don't you want to have a little fun, Danny? Come on. We used to have fun all the time!"

"Fun?" Danny spat. "Do you call this fun? Look at that, Matt. What are you _thinking_? He's up there kissing... it's..." Danny trailed off. Matt's heart was pounding dangerously. He thought it was going to come right out of his chest as Danny continued. "I used to think... we used to be on the same page. But now... all of you are just... it's horrible. We're forgetting everything we learned. Why are we dancing around to some homosexual's songs about having sex with other guys and other horrible things. He got kicked out of our school. He's not someone we should be dealing with. We shouldn't even be talking to him. He's a disgusting human being and he's headed straight for hell!"

"No!" Matt shouted. Something snapped inside of him. He shoved Danny against the wall so hard that he heard Danny's head smack up against it. Danny stared at him, hand reaching for the back of his head, shocked.

"Matt--" Danny said.

"You're wrong," Matt said. He didn't know how he'd gotten here but now he was at the point of no return. "I'm gay."

Danny was still staring up at him. Matt's hands were shaking as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He looked at the pictures of him and Anoop everyday. He found the picture where Anoop was kissing him with two clicks. Danny's mouth was open. He shoved the phone in Danny's face, still holding him against the wall.

"Oh my God," Danny's voice was hardly a whisper.

"I'm not a bad person," Matt said. He didn't feel as aggressive as he had just moments before. He felt like he was begging now. "I'm not, Danny, I'm not. I'm not!"

"You hurt me," Danny said. Matt let him go. Danny put both hands against his head, looking shocked.

"I'm sorry," Matt said. He didn't know what had come over him. His hands were still shaking. He clutched his phone against his chest.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Danny asked. He was staring at Matt like he was a stranger, like he could see Matt going to hell right before his eyes. Matt shook his head.

"I wouldn't be this way if I could help it," Matt said. "I can't stop it. Maybe it's not _bad_, Danny..."

"Stay away from me," Danny said, even though Matt hadn't moved. Danny was still against the wall. Matt didn't think he could move even if he wanted to.

"Report me," Matt said. He swallowed, vaguely nauseous. But it was all out in the open now. Maybe he wouldn't have to be so scared anymore. The worst had already happened and he was still here.

"I'd pray for you," Danny said. "But you're already too far gone."

"Report me!" Matt said, louder.

"No," Danny said. "God already knows. You live with that, Matt. I'm not reporting that. I don't want to have anything to do with this. I don't want to have anything with you anymore. I can't believe this!"

"You have to do it," Matt said. "Do it!" He still had the picture on his screen. He showed Danny again, heart still racing. "Report it!"

"No!" Danny grabbed the phone out of Matt's hand and threw it against the ground. His phone broke like it was a mere toy, the battery skittered halfway across the room.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Katy said, rushing over. "What's going on here!"

"Matt pushed me, he pushed me," Danny said. "He slammed my head against the wall."

"Matt?" Megan said, staring up at him.

"I--" Matt said. He wanted Danny to say it. Anoop was there too, watching wordlessly. Matt wanted to just do it. He could kiss Anoop for real and have it over with.

"Is this Matt's phone?" Kris said, crouching down to collect the pieces.

"What happened?" Katy demanded, sounding angrier than he had ever heard her sound.

"This whole semester I've been trying to save Anoop's soul," Danny said, staring at Matt, deadly serious. "I should have been working on _yours_!"

"I don't know what's going to happen to me!" Matt yelled.

"You know," Danny said. "You _know_."

Suddenly, Matt felt like he couldn't breathe. His chest burned, his eyes hurt, his teeth were chattering. He just wanted to get out of there.

"Dean Dwyer trusted me," Katy said. "He trusted us to do this, to stay here tonight. We can't fight guys. What's going on? Danny? Matt?" She looked at each of them in turn. Matt closed his eyes for a moment.

"Let's just get out of here," Katy concluded. Matt pushed past all of them, all of their stares. He didn't dare glance at Anoop. He made it outside into the cool air and backed against the brick building. It was a little easier to breathe now that he was outside. He wondered what Danny was going to say when he reported him. At least it saved him the trouble.

What was going to happen him now?

"Matt," Anoop said, in front of him, suddenly. Matt buried his face in Anoop's shoulder and took a deep breath as Anoop wrapped his arms around him.

"What happened?" he whispered. Matt didn't know what to say. Anoop kissed his ear, lightly, still holding him tightly. Matt didn't pull away until he felt someone else's hand on his arm. Kris had Matt's mangled phone in his hands.

"I don't think you can fix it," Kris said. "I tried." Katy was standing beside him. Matt didn't know where the others were.

"It's fine," Matt said. "I was stupid anyway. I shouldn't have pushed Danny. I really am sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the night."

"We probably needed to leave anyway," Katy said, with a kind smile. "We should get out of here. I'm going to get the van. Everyone else is waiting inside."

"Um," Kris said. That was when Matt realized that Anoop's arms were still around him. He sighed, wondering what Danny had told them.

"I don't know how to say this," Kris said, slowly. Anoop moved his arms, stood next to Matt, watching Kris just as closely.

"We know about you guys," Katy said, filling in the words that Kris couldn't say.

"Wow," Anoop said. Matt felt relieved.

"Momma told me," Kris said. "You told me that you'd need my support, Matt."

"He told me," Katy said. "Is that what you were fighting about, Matt?"

Matt nodded. He didn't really know how to put any of it into words. Instead, he turned to Anoop.

"I showed him the picture," he said. If Anoop was surprised he didn't show it. He just took Matt's hand and squeezed it hard.

"I talked to him," Katy said. "He won't tell."

"I told him to," Matt said. "The reporting rule."

"You know--" Kris started, but Matt cut him off.

"I'm sick of feeling so ashamed," Matt said. Anoop was still holding his hand and they were on the sidewalk in front of Kris and Katy. This was what Matt wanted even if he knew this small amount of good would come with so much bad.

"Don't feel ashamed," Katy said. "Matt, that's the last thing we want."

"I know it's wrong," Matt said. "I know it. I _know_ but..." He took a deep breath and looked at Anoop, still holding on to him so stoically.

"It doesn't change things," Kris said. "I don't think? It doesn't change... it doesn't change how I feel."

"It doesn't change how I feel," Katy said.

"I don't know what's going to happen to me," Matt said. "Danny... he said I'm going to hell. Maybe he's right."

Nobody said anything for a few moments. Matt took a deep breath, giving Anoop's hand a squeeze of his own.

"We all live our lives for the after-life," Kris started, slowly. "But I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to be happy while we're here on earth, too."

"God forgives, Matt," Katy said. "If you ask for it, there's always forgiveness."

Matt nodded. He knew it was asking too much but he wished that he didn't have to be forgiven for this.

"I'm going to get a van," Katy said. She squeezed Matt's arm and then left. Everyone else came out a few minutes later. Anoop let go of Matt's hand. Danny didn't look at him.

"Well," Allison said, standing outside with all of them in the chilly December air. "That was a show."

* 

Matt didn't realize he was still shaking until they got back in the room and Anoop guided him to the bed.

"Shhhhhh..." Anoop whispered, his voice a sweet rush of air across Matt's face. He kissed Matt softly. Matt closed his eyes. He just wanted to get lost in this, now more than ever. He didn't want to talk about what happened that night. He didn't want to talk about what was going to happen in the morning. Right now he just wanted to live for the night.

His last night with Anoop.

"I love you," Matt mumbled. Anoop kissed him harder, tongue sweeping through Matt's mouth. The bed was soft yet firm beneath them, yielding only slightly as Anoop sat on Matt's ships and unbuttoned Matt's shirt slowly. His fingers brushed against Matt's skin. He leaned over and kissed Matt's chest, sucking and biting him the way that Matt liked, moving his tongue around Matt's nipples. He kissed Matt's stomach, even licked his belly button. Matt laughed, brushing his hands against Anoop's hair.

"I really love you," Matt said because that's what was going to get him through all of this. Anoop looked up at him. His smile had always been gorgeous.

"I love you, too, Matt," Anoop said. He kissed Matt on the lips again, his mouth warm and soft and comforting. Matt wanted to take it slow. He could smell Anoop everywhere, his deodorant and the touch of cologne he was wearing.

Anoop kissed his jaw, down to his neck again, body draped on top of his. When Anoop's lips covered his mouth again Matt reached up for Anoop's jeans. He ran his hand against Anoop's fly. Anoop was already hard but Matt was sure he could make him harder.

"Hey," Matt whispered. "I wonder how many times I can make you come tonight."

Anoop snickered, laughing against his mouth. "Let's find out," Anoop said.

They kissed harder as Matt ran his hands under Anoop's shirt, up and down his sides. He eventually went back to Anoop's jeans and undid the button, eased down the zipper slowly. Anoop was wearing black briefs with a wide gray waistband. They were tight so it was easy to see how excited Anoop was.

"These are smooth," Matt said, running his hand up and down Anoop's ass. He would have done that anyway but the fabric made the sensation even more pleasurable.

"I bought them just for you," Anoop said.

"You bought special underwear?" Matt asked. Anoop nodded. Suddenly, the whole thing felt even more special and important now that Matt knew Anoop went underwear shopping for the night. He squeezed Anoop's ass.

"They're beautiful," he said. "I really like it. Now take your underwear off."

"Yes, sir," Anoop said. Matt helped him, pulling the briefs down over Anoop's sharp hips. Anoop took them off the rest of the way and dropped them in Matt's face.

"I didn't ask for that," Matt laughed. He took a deep breath anyway and then threw them across the room.

"I also bought this," Anoop said, getting off the bed. He took off his shirt and returned with condoms and a bottle that Matt realized was lube. "Just for us."

"Okay," Matt said, suddenly nervous. He hoped it wouldn't be too horrible. He wanted this so badly.

"We can start," Anoop said. "You can do what you did to me in the shower this morning."

Matt definitely hadn't forgotten. He sat up as Anoop settled himself against the pillows and the headboard. He stroked his own cock lazily. Matt took the lube and looked down at Anoop, looking so damn hot just touching himself.

"Lay on your side," Matt said, not sure if he w the best director for this, but Anoop did what he said. He touched Anoop with the lube and Anoop flinched.

"It's cold," Anoop said. Matt blew on it before touching Anoop again but it didn't seem to help. Anoop still flinched a little until Matt made sure he was nice and slick and the friction warmed things up. He paused for a moment, toes curling as he touched his own dick. That was what he really wanted to push inside but first it was his finger. He touched Anoop slowly, first running his fingertip around Anoop just to feel him shudder. Anoop was still stroking himself, even more slowly now. Matt felt nervous as he slipped his finger past the threshold. Anoop was so tight and it was just one finger. Anoop sucked in his breath.

"You okay, Noop?" Matt asked. Anoop didn't say anything. Matt took that as a good thing. His finger slid in further and it felt surprising good. Matt had to let his breath out slowly and calm himself down. He didn't think it was possible to come from just fingering Anoop but now it wasn't out of the question.

"Wow," Matt said, not sure how else to explain it. Anoop grabbed a pillow, rested his face against it.

"Noop?" Matt said, now a little worried. Maybe silence wasn't the best indicator of pleasure.

"I--" Anoop gasped. "Yes."

Matt was still unsure what Anoop meant but when he curled his finger a little he saw Anoop's back spasm and he gave a half-choked cry.

"Tell me if you don't like it," Matt said. He moved his finger slightly. Anoop clutched his pillow harder.

"Please," Anoop said. "More, Matt."

Matt swallowed, feeling a little bolder. His cock twitched like it had somewhere to be. But they had to take it slow. Matt added another finger, which was even tighter. It made Anoop squirm and pant and gasp and arch his back, pressing back against Matt's fingers.

"Fuck," Anoop muttered. The pillow was in his mouth. It was becoming damp from his spit. Matt found that kind of hot.

"Tell me..." Matt said. He moved his fingers in a different way. He could tell he was touching something good by the way Anoop's thighs were twitching.

"Just like that," Anoop said. "Harder, Matt."

Matt tried spreading his fingers apart but it was just so tight. Instead he moved them in and out, trying to go a little deeper when he pushed them back inside. Anoop moaned, still slobbering on his pillow, clutching it with both hands. Matt reached over to grab Anoop's cock with his free hand, pumped him a few times. Anoop shuddered beneath him.

"Oh--" Anoop said. "Matt. Shit—just..."

Now, Matt felt a little more confident. He wiggled in three fingers and started up a steady rhythm, moving in and out and rocking his hips with it, getting a feel for the real thing. Anoop was muttering and squirming and whimpering and moaning. They were all good sounds that went straight to Matt's cock and drove him crazy. Anoop continued to urge him to go faster. Matt moved his fingers harder, found different angles until he found a place that made Anoop shout and then Anoop came, hard, still clutching his damp pillow.

Anoop laid there, completely still, until Matt rolled him over onto his back, gently, and stared down into his eyes.

"Hi," Matt said.

"Your hands..." Anoop said, trailing off. He closed his eyes. His mouth was wet. "Give me a minute."

Matt chuckled, finishing himself off with a few quick strokes. He could definitely give Anoop a minute. They had all night.


	30. Chapter 30

Matt hoped it wasn't rude but he got up after a couple of minutes and washed his hands carefully in the bathroom. He brought a towel back and used it to clean up Anoop and the bedspread. After a few moments Anoop just kicked the bedspread off of the bed, lounging on top of the sheets.

"That must be why they say don't sit on the bedspread in hotel rooms," Matt said. "You know they don't wash those things."

Anoop laughed. "That makes sense," he said.

Matt crawled back on the bed. He laid beside Anoop, resting his head on Anoop's chest. They didn't get to do a lot of that either.

"Hey," Anoop said after another few minutes of laziness. "I have a surprise for you."

He slipped off the bed and Matt rested his head on the white sheets, still warm from Anoop's body heat. Anoop went to his bag and pulled out a bottle of wine.

"I thought we'd celebrate," Anoop said.

"Cool," Matt said. Anoop went to the front of the room and grabbed the plastic cups that came with the ice bucket.

"This will have to do," he said, unwrapping the cups.

"Noop, it's not even cold," Matt said. "Want me to get some ice?"

"Ice for wine?" Anoop said, giving him a weird look. "No, Matt. It's red wine, it's supposed to be room temperature."

"It's supposed to be hot?" Matt asked. He made a face when Anoop handed him a cup that was half-full with wine.

"It's not hot," Anoop said. He settled on the bed again. "It's room temperature. What should we toast to?"

Matt kissed Anoop quickly and brought the plastic cup up to his face.

"Warm wine?" Matt suggested. Anoop kissed his collarbone.

"Try it," Anoop said. "Let's toast to us."

"Us," Matt said. Anoop nuzzled his nose against Matt's and kissed him there. Matt pushed him away, halfheartedly. He was grinning.

"A toast to us," Anoop said. He touched his cup to Matt's. "Cheers."

Matt took a sip. The wine tasted pretty bitter and it was so weird that it was warm. He downed the rest of it quickly, just to get it over with.

"Matt," Anoop said, probably still on his first swallow. "Damn."

"It's okay," Matt said. He put his cup on the nightstand, glad to get rid of it.

Anoop shook his head. "That's a 30 dollar bottle of wine. Next time, I'm just going to get you Franzia. The pink kind."

"That sounds good," Matt said. "What's that?"

They laughed together, settling back on the pillows, heads pressed together. Anoop moved his fingers over the hair on Matt's chest.

"How do you feel?" Matt asked. "I mean... how does your--"

"It's a little sore," Anoop said. "But it feels good. I want to do it again."

"Right now?" Matt asked, hopefully. Anoop kissed him with a small smile.

"What happened between you and Danny?" Anoop said. He reached back and stroked Matt's hair.

"Oh," Matt whispered. It already felt like so long ago but at the same time it felt like a long time coming.

"Danny knows," Matt said. "I showed him the picture of us..."

He didn't really expect Anoop to snicker but he did. Matt groaned.

"Noop," he said. "It isn't funny."

"I know," Anoop said. "I shouldn't have taken that picture. I'm sorry, Matt." He kissed Matt's temple, kept his face pressed there against the side of Matt's face.

"No, it was my fault," Matt said. "I don't know why, Noop, but just hearing him talk about Adam, I just snapped. It was really stupid. I've never felt like that before. I pushed him against the wall. I don't know where that came from! I'm just so sick of it all. I'm sick of hiding and pretending and lying to everyone. I'm sick of waking up every day and just praying and not getting any answers. It sucks, Anoop. Now you're leaving and I'm going to be all alone... I can't go back to that." Matt took a deep breath, let it out slowly. "I'm glad he knows. Maybe if everyone knows..." Matt trailed off, not sure what he was going to say, not even sure what he wanted to say. Anoop kissed him in the same place.

"Everyone can't know," he said, softly. "I don't want you to get kicked out of school, Matt. Danny said he wouldn't tell. Kris and Katy won't tell. You just have to..."

"Am I that awful, Noop?" Matt asked, spitting out his question over Anoop's word. "Is it really that awful?"

"No, I didn't say that," Anoop said. "But you have to think about the reality of situation, Matt. Why are you so bent on self-destruction?"

"Maybe I deserve it," Matt said, staring straight ahead. Anoop let his breath out in a hiss, shook his head.

"No, Matt," he said. Matt took Anoop's cup and downed the rest of his wine. It still didn't taste good and he still didn't feel buzzed.

"Anoop, I don't think this wine is working," Matt said, nestling the cup inside his own empty cup.

"I didn't buy it to get you drunk," Anoop said. "Wine should be enjoyed not chugged. But right now, I'm going to enjoy you." Anoop moved across Matt on the bed, straddling his hips. He kissed Matt slowly, deeply. Matt felt like he was trying to kiss away all the bad feelings inside of him. He thought it just might be working.

They were both still naked and Anoop's hips and his cock rubbing against his own was enough to take Matt's mind off of things. Anoop kissed him harder, cupping Matt's face in his hand. He kissed him back and maybe he did feel the wine a little making his body flush and loose. Anoop did what he was doing earlier, sucking and kissing and biting him gently, all up and down his body. He kissed Matt's sides, his stomach, and down lower to his cock. Matt took a deep breath as Anoop licked his way up his cock. He kept a hand on Matt's cock, stroking him slowly as he moved his lips against Matt's balls and sucked him there, gently, kissed him, in all those little places that Matt hardly knew about but they sent jolts of pleasure straight up to his spine, right to his brain. He held his breath when Anoop pushed his knees back, settling in lower, put his tongue right against his ass. Matt had heard about this before but he wasn't expecting to do it tonight.

Anoop didn't stop and Matt didn't stop him. He pushed Matt's thighs, further apart, pressed his tongue against him, pressed it inside of him. He could feel Anoop everywhere, his legs, his arms, his stomach, his chest, his heart. Anoop massaged his thighs, unafraid, licking him, sucking, going deeper. Matt's mouth started to tremble but it wasn't a bad thing. He felt overwhelmed as he closed his eyes. He saw sparks behind his eyelids, a visual representation of how he was feeling. He wanted to reach out for Anoop but he couldn't move. Anoop was holding him, keeping his legs apart, anchoring him to the bed. He wanted to make some kind of a sound, anything, say Anoop's name or moan but his mouth wasn't working right. It was hard enough to breathe.

He did gasp when Anoop grabbed his cock again and then he realized that he was very close. Anoop was still in there, doing things that Matt hadn't even _imagined_ before. He didn't know everything he was doing exactly but for once in his life Matt could believe the statement that the tongue was supposedly the strongest muscle in the body. Then Anoop used his teeth, grazed him just barely but that was enough to send Matt over the edge. He came hard with a squeak he hadn't heard before. Matt covered his mouth with both hands, breathing hard. Anoop looked up at him, laughing.

"What was that?" Anoop asked. Matt shook his head.

"Don't ask," he gasped, still trying to catch his breath.

"So you liked it?" Anoop grabbed the towel they had used before. Everything was messy, blending together. Matt managed to roll his head over to look at the time. It was a little after midnight. The minutes were marching by.

"Noop..." Matt said. He shook his head, trying to come back to reality, but he still felt like he was floating a little. He could still see the sparks.

"I didn't really know what I was doing," Anoop said. "I was nervous."

"It was good, Noop," Matt said. He ran his hands over his thighs. His whole body felt slick and sweaty. Matt reached for Anoop and pulled him on top of him again.

"Tell me what you like," Anoop said. "Or I'll never know."

"I don't know," Matt said, laughing. "A little bit of everything. I meant it. I liked it! I really... it was intense. In a good way. Are you sure we can't have more wine? I promise not to chug it this time."

Anoop laughed a little, getting up. He poured Matt another cup and then sat beside him.

"That was a rush," Anoop admitted. "I hardly know what to do with myself."

This time Matt sipped the wine slowly. It wasn't so bad, especially now. His ass didn't hurt at all but he was aching for more.

"You could do me, Noop," Matt said, looking at him with a cheesy smile. Anoop grinned, shaking his head.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "I think I could do that."

"Don't make me wait too long," Matt said. "I'm right here, Noop. I'm ready."

"I'm ready, too," Anoop said. But he waited for Matt to finish his wine and Matt—heart pounding, not wildly, but steadily and insistently—took his time.


	31. Chapter 31

"You're not going to fall asleep on me, are you?" Anoop asked, poking Matt in the side. They'd been quiet for a while. Matt put his wine down. It really did taste better now. He guessed he only had to give it time.

"Never," Matt said. "I'm not going to sleep one second this whole night. Not a millisecond, not as long as you're here."

"We might both need some sleep eventually," Anoop said, smiling sweetly.

"Noop," Matt said, slowly. "I want to kiss you again but..."

"What?" Anoop said. "You don't like the taste of your own ass?"

"Wait, you do?" Matt blurted out. "What does it taste like?"

Anoop just snickered as he got up and went to the bathroom. Matt really did wonder what it tasted it. He wasn't sure if he scrubbed well enough down there and his shower was over 12 hours ago. He took a deep breath and watched the bathroom door. Well, Anoop didn't run away screaming so it couldn't have been that bad.

Truthfully, Matt liked it a lot. He reached down for his cock, remembering. There was no harm in getting in a little excitement before the main event. He stroked his cock lazily, not even hard enough to get to half-mast, but he stopped when he heard a knock on the door.

"Oh..." Matt whispered. He didn't even know where his underwear was, forgot that he even owned any. When he glanced over at the floor he just saw Anoop's special briefs. Then he noticed that his slacks were flung on the chair. He jumped up and slipped them on quickly, pausing in front of the mirror to try and tame his hair. It had to be so obvious what he and Anoop were doing in there. He didn't have to answer the door.

Whoever was on the other side knocked again, louder this time. Matt took a deep breath. Then he went to the door and opened it.

"Matt," Danny said. If he thought Matt being shirtless in his dress pants from the competition was weird he didn't say anything. "I thought, like, maybe we could talk?"

"Okay," Matt said. He stepped out of the room and closed the door carefully behind him.

"I'm sorry," Matt said, quickly. "I shouldn't have pushed you."

"Yeah, Matt, that hurt," Danny said. He guessed this really wasn't going to be an apology on Danny's end.

"Well, you hurt _me_, Danny," Matt said.

"I didn't say anything you didn't need to hear," Danny hissed. Matt sighed, leaning up against the wall in the hallway. Maybe this was useless. There was no changing Danny's mind.

"So did you come to say..." Matt looked at the ground, shuffled his feet a little. "You're going to report me after all."

"I should," Danny said. "But I'm not going to, Matt. This is the only time I've broken the rules. But I'm doing it for you."

"Why?" Matt asked. He didn't know what was worse—living in this strange limbo where he wasn't sure what Danny was going to do next or what would happen if Danny actually reported him.

"Because you need help, Matt," Danny said, quietly. Matt listened, heart racing. "And I'm going to help you. I'm going to pray for you. We'll pray together. And we'll read the bible. Matt, there's so much in there... it explains why this is... wrong! I know someone you can talk to off-campus. He helps people like you. And Anoop isn't even going to be here anymore, thank God. So you won't have that..." Danny looked around like he was going to say a bad word. "Temptation. Honestly, Matt, is this really... maybe it's just... Anoop's not saved, Matt. Maybe it's a test. Did you ever think about that? Matt, Satan is always around, trying to—trying to get inside, trying to take us to--"

"Fuck off, Danny," Matt said, the words coming out of his mouth before he could even think about it. He didn't say it loudly or angrily. It felt more like a statement of fact.

"Don't do this," Danny said. "Don't choose this, Matt. Don't. Fight back. Come back to my room with me. This is the first step. We can do this! We're friends. We've always been best friends, Matt. Why don't you trust me? I can see you changing right in front of my eyes. I'm scared for you, Matt. I don't want you to go to hell. I don'!"

"It's my soul, Danny," Matt said. "It's my life. Maybe it's my choice, I'm not sure. This is what I need. I finally feel like myself, Danny. If that's wrong then it's wrong but it's my decision to make. Anoop makes me happy. He's not sent from Satan!"

"That's what you say when people are sent from Satan. You don't know, Matt. You're blind to all of this right now. I'm trying to be, like, a rational voice of reason in your mind right now."

"Stop it!" Matt said. "Stop it, Danny."

"You can't face this because you know I'm right," Danny said, stepping closer so he was in face. Matt felt like telling him where his mouth had been, where his fingers had been, what Anoop had just done to him. Then Danny would run away screaming. Instead he just clutched the side of his pants.

"You'll never be right with God again," Danny whispered. "Unless you stop this. Matt, come with me." He grabbed Matt's wrist. Matt yanked his arm away. "Matt!"

"I gotta go," Matt said. He turned around and grabbed the hotel room door handle. Then he realized it was locked and he didn't have a key. He pushed anyway. The door didn't budge.

"See," Danny said, a whiny voice behind him. "That's a sign. God's trying to save you, Matt. Don't go back in there. Whatever you do, don't go back in."

Matt's heart really was in his throat now. What if Danny... he couldn't even think about it. But maybe this was a sign. Maybe he should turn around, sleep on Danny and Scott's floor, go to church in the morning and forget about everything that happened that semester.

Forget that Anoop even existed.

Matt turned when the door open. Anoop stood in the doorway and looked at them, still completely naked.

"Hey, Danny, can I help you?" he asked. Matt glanced back at Danny who was standing there, completely horrified. He stepped inside the door and closed it quickly.

"Anoop!" Matt said, shocked. Anoop shrugged.

"He already saw us kissing," Anoop said. "You okay?"

Matt dropped his pants again and shuffled over to the bed, dropping down on the sheets. He pressed his palms over his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He felt Anoop squeeze beside him and then there was Anoop's soft hand on his stomach, brushing over his cock.

"I don't want to talk about it," Matt mumbled. Danny's words were still echoing in his ears. _You'll never be right with god again._

"Don't talk to him," Anoop said.

"I can't," Matt said," I mean, it's not that easy. Danny's my friend. We've been friends ever since freshman year. I mean, we did that surprise water balloon attack on the girls our first semester together. We've been in Promises and there's just so many..." Matt trailed off with a sigh. "He's not a bad guy, Noop. I know you haven't seen the best side of him but--"

"Come on," Anoop said. "Would you really treat your friend like that?"

"He really thinks he's helping me," Matt said, "It comes from a good place."

Anoop laughed a little, but not in an amused way. "That's one of the reasons I love you, Matt," he said. "You have a very kind heart. You see the good in people. Not too many people are like that."

"Thanks," Matt said, even though from the look on Anoop's face he wasn't quite sure if that was a compliment. Anoop turned to him. He could smell the mouthwash on Anoop's breath. Anoop smiled, pointing at his lips.

"I've been disinfected," he said. "Safe for kissing."

Matt kissed him lightly with a small smile on his lips.

"Hmmm," Matt said. "I taste good."

"Shut up," Anoop said. They kissed harder, deeper. Matt didn't want to forget what they were supposed to be doing that night. It was nice just to kiss Anoop for a while, to feel like he did when they started, when just kissing Anoop exhilarated him so much, made Matt realize something important he was missing in his life, that connection that he couldn't have with just anyone. He had to hold on to that feeling because it couldn't be from Satan.

It had to be from God.

Matt rolled over onto his back and Anoop settled on top of him. Matt remembered his wine. It was within reach and so was the lube. Matt took a sip of the wine while Anoop wiped the corner of his mouth. He glanced at the lube.

"We definitely need some of that," Anoop said. He kissed Matt again. Matt ran his hands up and down Anoop's back. He meant to hand the lube to Anoop but instead he found himself slicking up his own fingers. Anoop smiled down at him, placing small kisses all over his face and his throat.

It wasn't as weird as it was the first time. Anoop wasn't much looser but Matt was used to the tightness. He started with two fingers, slipped them inside, curled them in a way that made Anoop moan in his face.

"Yeah, baby," Matt whispered, feeling something he'd never felt before. He used more lube, got his fingers in deeper, used another finger. Anoop tightened and twitched and panted, his cock incredibly hard against him. Matt's cock was just as hard and he knew they both needed to do something about that.

"You're so hot," Matt said into Anoop's ear. Anoop groaned, eyes closed. Matt wanted to see him. He pushed Anoop off of him gently and then got on his knees so he was kneeling over Anoop. He stared down at Anoop who still had his eyes closed. Anoop's hand drifted toward his cock.

"That's right," Matt said, feeling like a lame porn star and incredibly turned on at the same time. "Touch yourself, Noop."

Anoop groped his balls and then gripped his cock, stroking himself hard, his eyes fluttering. Matt could hardly breathe.

"Oh... Anoop," Matt said. He kissed him, even harder than they had been kissing before, nipping at Anoop's full bottom lip and sucking on his tongue while he held onto Anoop's sides and his hips. He pulled away and kissed Anoop's chest and made his way to his cock, flicking his tongue across the tip and then licking his way all around.

"Don't--" Anoop said, gasping out the words. "Don't make me come yet, Matt..."

"I'm gonna make you come," Matt mumbled. The lube was everywhere but Matt was determined not to let that get in the way of this being sexy. The lube wasn't the only problem. Matt was nervous. He hadn't done anything like this before. Anoop spread his legs, his knees pulled back. Matt knew what to do with his fingers but Anoop gently pushed him away.

"Come on, Matt," Anoop said. "It's okay... fuck me, Matt."

Matt took a deep breath, suddenly feeling silly. When he thought about fucking he thought of a lot of pounding and noise and slapping and roughness. He didn't want to fuck Anoop. He wanted to take it slow. He watched Anoop touch himself again and then Anoop locked eyes with him.

"Matt," Anoop said. "I need you. Come on."

"I wanna make love to you, Noop," Matt said. He didn't really mean to say it but there it was. Anoop kept staring at him. He didn't look like anything had changed.

"Okay..." Anoop said. "Make love to me. I love you. Matt... please..."

Matt took a deep breath. He felt a little more at ease now but he was still anxious. Anoop reached for him, still looking in his eyes.

"It's okay," Anoop said. "God, it's going to feel so—good..."

Anoop helped him with the condom, rolling it on for him, which was surprisingly sexy. Matt didn't think he'd knew what to do but it turned out to be more natural than he thought. He eased himself, slowly, inside and Anoop's eyes were closed again and he was breathing rapidly in a very good way, holding on to his cock. Matt bit his lip, overwhelmed by how tight everything was, even tighter than when he was using his fingers. He didn't think he'd be able to even move. Anoop gasped suddenly when Matt pushed himself even further and he stopped.

"What?" Matt asked.

"Right there," Anoop said, arching his hips a little, moving his hips. "Oh God, Matt, right there..."

Matt didn't really know what he was talking about but the way Anoop shuddered made him want to figure it out. He could found that he could and he started thrusting, slowly, and there was a spot that seemed to make Anoop practically fall apart. Feeling Anoop all around him, seeing him experience so much pleasure made Matt extremely turned on. He adjusted his position, started to thrust slowly but Anoop really responded when he did it hard. He groaned, his mouth open, forehead glistening with sweat. Every time Matt hit Anoop's spot he would call his name. Once Matt relaxed it was really good. Matt couldn't believe that it could be this good if it was supposed to be so wrong.

Anoop's hands were on his cock, they were pulling Matt's hair, on his skin, all over him Matt wanted to help him out but he was too busy fucking him because that's what it turned out to be anyway and Matt loved it.

Matt didn't mean to come so soon but it happened before he could even try to stop it. It didn't take Anoop to long to come after him, still calling his name.

"Fuck, Matt," Anoop said, his eyes closed again. Matt pulled out, slowly. He looked down at Anoop and started to laugh.

"What?" Anoop asked, opening one eye.

"Look at you!" Matt said.

"Oh God," Anoop said. Matt didn't even care. God needed to hear, anyway. They laughed together. Anoop looked damp and sweaty and loose and spent. Matt wanted to take a picture of Anoop looking just like that as a reminder of that night.

"So good," Anoop muttered. When he brought his hands to his face Matt noticed that they were shaking slightly. "Wow."

"I didn't hurt you?" Matt asked. He rolled the condom off carefully.

"It's good," Anoop said, still out of breath. "It's good."

Matt laughed, tossing the condom in the trash. Then he rested his head against Anoop's heaving chest, tangling their legs together. He didn't want to say anything. He just wanted to feel Anoop's heart thumping beneath his head for a little while.

"It's gonna be okay," Anoop said. He reached up, stroked Matt's hair. Matt closed his eyes. He could definitely fall asleep but he didn't want to.

"I like it when you make love to me," Anoop said in a teasing voice. Matt groaned and buried his face in Anoop's shoulder.

"Fucking you was more fun," Matt said against Anoop's sweet-smelling skin.

"I know," Anoop said.

"We're going to do this again, right, Noop?" Matt asked. He grinned when Anoop laughed and reached down to press his hand against Matt's stomach.

"Next time," Anoop said. "It's my turn."


	32. Chapter 32

They did have sex again a little while later. It was different from the other end, more painful than he was expecting. Sometimes it hurt, sometimes it was a good kind of biting pain mostly surrounded by pleasure. Matt wasn't exactly sure how he felt about it except that he wanted to try it again.

Unfortunately, he didn't know when he and Anoop would get the chance.

He wanted to talk about it but he was also scared of the answer. Instead he and Anoop did other things. Matt had never come so many times in one night in his life. He hoped it wasn't dangerous. Anoop's eyes started to close around five in the morning. Matt shook him gently.

"Don't go to sleep, Noop," he said. "I don't want this night to be over."

"We have to leave at 7:30," Anoop said. His eyes were closed now.

"So why go to sleep?" Matt said. "You just have to get up in a couple hours anyway."

"Okay," Anoop murmured.

"Okay," Matt said. His heart slowed a little but then Anoop didn't say anything else. His breathing had slowed, his eyes were closed but relaxed.

"No, Anoop!" Matt shook him but it was a lost cause. He sighed.

Matt didn't think he could get to sleep if he wanted to. He felt too wired. Matt tried resting his head on Anoop's chest and listening to him breathe but it didn't really calm him down. Still he was able to lay there for another hour just because he wasn't ready to let Anoop go. He ran his hand over Anoop's bare chest and sifted Anoop's hair through his fingers. He wondered what Anoop was dreaming about. When they were apart would he dream about Matt? Would it really be the same between them? How could they be together if they weren't really _together_? And what if their paths didn't cross again? Matt didn't know what he was going to do after college. They could plan to meet up but he knew it really wouldn't be that easy.

It was six in the morning now but it was still desperately dark outside. Matt pressed a kiss against Anoop's temple and kept his face there. He just didn't want to let Anoop go.

"God," Matt said, quietly, speaking close to Anoop's ear. "Am I really going to be okay?"

There wasn't an answer. Matt didn't expect one. But he could feel the lies and the sadness eating away from him. How long would he have to live with this secret? How long would he have to pray that the ones who knew would keep it for him? Why should they have that kind of burden?

Why should he?

Matt rolled away from Anoop onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling, looking for something he would never see. He pressed a hand against his chest so he could feel the beat of his own heart. He didn't know if this was God talking to him or maybe it was just his own voice but he knew what he was going to do.

"I love you," Matt said, still staring at the ceiling, speaking to Anoop, speaking to God, his family, his friends, his life at Gates, speaking to himself. There was so much love there. There could _be_ so much love. People could surprise him. They already had. He hoped it would continue. The thought gave him a little strength but he was still very afraid.

Matt took a long shower, the water pressure in the hotel better than anything he and Kris got in their room. He put on fresh clothes and packed his bag so that he'd be ready to go in just a little while. Continental breakfast started at 6:30 so Matt headed down to the lobby after he kissed Anoop on the forehead.

The breakfast was surprisingly good—muffins and cereal and pastries along with hot items like eggs, sausage, bacon, hash browns and a waffle maker. Matt made himself a waffle. He was actually ravenous. No one was around so he sat by himself at a table and tried to focus on the flat screen TV mounted on the wall in the corner. The weather man enthusiastically relayed the good news that there was no rain in the forecast for the next five days.

"Matt!" Someone called from behind him. Matt turned around and saw Adam standing there in pajama pants and a rumpled t-shirt, no make-up at all. He had a big smile on his face.

"Wow, I didn't think I'd see you again," Adam said. "You guys are staying here?"

"Yeah," Matt said. "We're leaving soon, though."

"Don't leave yet," Adam said. "Stay right there. I'm going to eat with you."

Matt worked on his waffle as Adam grabbed a banana, milk and cornflakes. He sat across from Matt with his back to the TV and carefully sliced his banana into the cornflakes with a plastic knife.

"God, that waffle looks good," Adam said. Matt swallowed his latest bite quickly.

"You can make one," Matt said. "It's not too hard. I was able to figure it out. I burned one first. I forgot to use the non-stick spray stuff."

Adam shook his head. "Food like that goes straight to my hips. But it tastes so good."

Matt blinked and finished his waffle. He ate his eggs quickly because they had gotten a little cold. Adam poured milk into his cornflakes.

"I didn't get to say bye to you last night," Adam said. "I was looking for you guys."

"We left," Matt said. He focused on his plate, mostly empty now except for the bacon. "Danny and I got into a little fight."

"Oh yeah?" Adam said, raising an eyebrow. "I sort of heard about that. Well, I heard there was a commotion."

Matt nodded. "I didn't want to get into a fight but he was being really stupid. He was saying things about you. I just sort of--" Matt cut himself off thinking about how he shoved Danny against the wall. He knew it was wrong but it felt so _good_ at the same time. He'd take it back if he could but it still felt so good.

"I'm used to it," Adam said. "Believe me. Things like that just roll off my back. I'm comfortable with myself. It's not my problem if someone else isn't."

"Yeah," Matt mumbled.

"What about you?" Adam asked. Matt looked up at the dripping spoon poised at Adam's mouth. "Are you comfortable?"

Matt took a deep breath and shook his head. "No," he admitted. "Not completely but... I want to be."

"That's step number one, Matt," Adam said, cheerfully. "How are things with you and Anoop?"

Matt couldn't help grinning. Adam smiled back, nodding like he knew everything just from the look on Matt's face.

"Good," he said. "Anoop seems like a good guy. I mean, I haven't talked to him that much but... just the way you respond. You light up when you mention him. Even when I was trying my hardest to get you off!"

Matt laughed with Adam, remembering that night. It seemed like such a long time ago. He felt like he was a totally different person back then waiting for God to make his life better. Now, he was going to do that himself.

"I'm going to miss him," Matt said.

"If there's one thing I've learned," Adam said, seriously, over his soggy cereal. "Things that are meant to be are meant to be. You two will find your way back together if it's really real. And it is, right?"

Matt nodded. He didn't think he would do this for anyone else.

"It's great to be in love," Adam said. "I remember those days. Of course, it's been a while."

Matt couldn't imagine that Adam would have a hard time finding someone to love him. He didn't get a chance to say anything because Megan was walking over to them wearing dark sunglasses and a purple tank top paired with shorts that hung low on her hips.

"Please shoot me," she said.

"What's up, girlfriend?" Adam asked.

"It's way too fucking early," Megan said. "And I have to give my senior sermon today."

Adam made a sympathetic face. Matt took a deep breath. This was his chance.

"Megan," he said, quickly, before he lost his nerve. "What do I have to do to get up in your slot?"

Megan pushed up her glasses and stared at him for a moment. "Well," she said. "That was forward."

"What?" Matt asked, bewildered as Adam and Megan started cracking up. Megan sat herself in Adam's lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"What the hell are you talking about, Matt?" Megan asked. "Because I don't think we're on the same page."

"I'm talking about the senior sermon," Matt said. "I want to take your spot."

"What? Are you serious?" Megan asked. "Done. It's yours. I don't even know. Just go up there when my name is called. Thank _God_. Like seriously, this is one of those times where I give him the glory. I was going to crash and burn up there."

Matt smiled but he could say the same thing but maybe crashing and burning was something he needed.

"Good morning!" Katy said cheerfully when she and Kris walked in the room, holding hands. For a moment Matt wondered if they spent the night together too but he knew they would never do that. This was one of those times when they looked strangely similar, both wearing glasses and Razorback t-shirts, their hair messy.

"It's a good morning indeed," Megan said. "God finally answered one of my prayers."

"That's wonderful," Katy said. Kris smiled. They pulled chairs over to the table. Kris sipped some coffee and Katy ate cheerios dry, drinking orange juice.

"It's been a great semester," Katy said. "I'm sad to see it end."

Matt thought she glanced at him or maybe he just imagined it. He chewed on the edge of his plastic cup.

"It's going to be good to be rid of business calc, though," Kris said.

"And it's Christmas," Katy added.

"And New Year's," Megan said. "Plus we can sleep in every day. I'm looking forward to break. There's always next semester for school."

"You have to enjoy the moment," Adam said. "That's all I know."

"You're right, Adam," Katy said.

"I'm enjoying this creamer in the moment right now," Kris said. "It's called caramel cream. It's good."

Kris and Katy smiled at each other, faces close but their lips never touching. Matt wondered if love was always some kind of sacrifice. Allison and David came in next. David was dressed for chapel but Allison was still wearing her pink bunny pajama pants with a top to match.

"Before you get any ideas," Allison said, loudly. "I ran into David on the elevator. Adam!"

She ran over to give him a big hug. David made himself a waffle and he made Allison one, too. Matt felt cozy, surrounded by his friends and breakfast food. As it got closer to 7:30 everyone needed to leave to get dressed and get their stuff. Matt stood as he and Adam and Megan were the last ones to leave.

"This will be a big surprise," Megan said to Matt. "I'm glad we didn't tell anyone we're switching today. It's going to be fun. Seriously, Matt, thank you so much."

"No, thank you," Matt said. "I need to do this."

"I wish I could go to this," Adam said. "Good luck, Matt."

Matt nodded. He definitely needed all the luck he could get. "I hope we get to see you again," Matt said.

"Well, Rent is closing up after the new year and then I'm headed to LA. But who knows, Matt. I'm on Facebook. Let's keep in touch. You too, Megan."

"Oh, you got it," Megan said. She gave Adam a big hug before they parted ways in the middle of the lobby. Matt gave Adam a hug too. He smelled good but not as good as Anoop.

"I'm proud of you," Adam said, quietly, into Matt's ear. Matt smiled. Adam let him go.

"See you in LA!" Adam called to both of them before heading to his room.

Anoop was awake when Matt got back, putting yesterday's clothes back in his backpack. He was wearing a pair of glasses that Matt had never seen before and his eyes were red.

"Left my contacts in too long," Anoop said. His voice was scratchy. Matt wondered if he made him moan that much.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked. Anoop nodded. The glasses were pretty sexy. Matt wanted to take his jeans off but they only had 15 minutes.

"We all had breakfast downstairs," Matt said. He couldn't help groaning. "Why'd you fall asleep?"

Anoop blinked from behind his glasses. "I just passed out. You wore me out, Matt."

"We could just go somewhere," Matt said. He smiled even though he didn't feel very funny. "Like to California. I don't know. You could finish school online."

Anoop didn't tell him he was stupid. Instead he wrapped his arms around Matt. They held each other tightly for a long time but it still wasn't enough. Anoop kissed his forehead and finally let him go.

"Sorry I fell asleep on you," Anoop said. "You know I want to be with you, right? That's not going to change."

"I know, Anoop. I'm being a baby but..." Matt trailed off with a sigh. "This is just hard. I don't know what's going to happen next."

"We get in the van and get back to campus for chapel," Anoop said. "That's what's going to happen next."

Matt half-smiled at Anoop's smart-ass answer. "Shut up," he said. Anoop put his hands on Matt's face and kissed him until they were both breathless. When they finally pulled away Matt couldn't help but wonder if that was the last time.

"Last night was amazing," Anoop said softly. He squeezed Matt's arm. "I'll never forget it."

"Me neither," Matt said. "And neither will my ass. It's kind of sore."

Anoop laughed and reached over to give Matt's ass a careful pat. "I won't forget your ass either," he said with a grin.

"Katy will kill us if we're late," Matt said. He grabbed his bag. After a quick check they left the room together, not holding hands but their arms were close as they walked down the hall.

Matt managed to sit next to Anoop in the very back. Danny didn't even look at him. Neither did Scott but that was nothing new. Still, Matt couldn't help but wonder if Danny told.

Everyone was quiet, even Allison. If they weren't asleep they were trying to go to sleep. So it wasn't that weird that Matt rested his head on Anoop's shoulder for the entire ride and he thanked God for that.

Campus was buzzing when they got back. People were moving out of the dorms for break, bringing most of their belongings home for the next month. Parents and alumni gathered in the parking lot for special activities that took place before chapel began. Matt's parents never made it for these things. Michigan was just too far away. But Kris's parents were there and Katy's and Megan's mom and so many other familiar faces. Matt knew his parents would hear, one way or the other.

"See you guys in chapel," Katy said when she dropped them off in the main parking lot. Everyone pretty much scattered immediately because they didn't have much time to change. Most people dressed up for the last service of the semester but Matt didn't feel like going back to the dorm.

"Hey," Anoop said, grabbing his arm gently. "Come on. You coming?"

Matt shook his head. "I'll see you in chapel," he said. He quickly walked away but not before he caught a glimpse of Anoop's questioning look.

Matt stashed his overnight bag in the back of his car and then he went for a walk. Gates was a beautiful campus, even in winter. The trees were bare and the grass was short and yellow but it reminded Matt of how easily things could change, how they could lay dormant waiting for that signal, that spark, that would bring them to life. He walked past the music building where he spent most of his time learning and growing as a musician. He passed the dining hall where he had so many great conversations and he never complained about the food but then again he'd eat practically anything. There was the student activities building with the study room that Matt had never studied in. The library, the science building, the multipurpose room where he had his History of the Bible class. There was so much history—his history—everywhere.

Matt didn't want to forget.

Then there was the bell tower and Gates Chapel looming ahead of him. Matt turned, walking off of the main path, toward the woods. Gates' students loved the clearing behind campus with so many trees and the small creek. Matt was surprised to see that the creek was still running despite the lack of rain. He sat down on the hard dirt near the creek. He flowed past him without question. Matt didn't spend a lot of time here but it was a good place to go when you wanted to think. When you wanted to get down on your knees to pray.

Matt did that now, got down on his knees. He clasped his hands together and thought about when he was a child and his mom would make him repeat after her when he said his prayers. Now his prayers weren't rehearsed, empty lines. His prayers came straight from the heart.

"Please forgive me," Matt whispered. "But I'm not sorry."

He knew now was the time to take that back. Now was when he was supposed to talk himself out of it. He hadn't slept all night, he was delirious with all the emotions that were running through him at the moment. He wasn't thinking straight. There was no point to this. One more semester and he was done. He would find a way to be with Anoop. If Matt worked hard enough this would work out. They would be happy. There was a place for them, somewhere. He didn't have to do this.

Only, he did.

Matt didn't talk himself out of it. God didn't speak up either.

Matt opened his eyes and looked at the water. It was crystal clear. He could see the rocks below, different shades of brown, white, gray and black. He couldn't memorize the whole campus but he knew he would remember no matter what.

Even if he never came back.


	33. Chapter 33

Matt heard the bells while he was still on his knees. It was ten o'clock, time for service, but Matt wasn't worried. It was normal for everything to run a little behind for the final service of the semester with so many people coming to chapel. He was still in his jeans and a Gates sweatshirt but there was no time to change. Matt walked back across campus, following the bells, following the stragglers to Gates Chapel with it's familiar high ceilings and the heavy wooden doors. This had been his home church for the past four years. Kris looked at him a little strangely, manning the door with Katy. She handed Matt the cinnamon rolls they were giving out.

"You didn't change?" Kris asked, cocking an eyebrow. He was wearing clean pressed khakis and his official worship leader polo shirt. Katy looked similar, only in a khaki skirt.

Matt shook his head. "Sorry," he said. Katy and Kris both stared at him until a parent came up behind him and waited for Kris to give him a cinnamon roll.

"Better go grab a seat, Matt," Katy said. "Pastor Ryan's starting."

Matt stepped towards her and gave her a tight hug. Katy didn't say anything. She hugged him back, just as tightly.

"Pray for me," Matt said, quietly.

"Always," Katy said. "Oh Matt..."

He hoped Kris didn't mind but he needed this. Girls gave better hugs. Katy didn't let go until he was ready.

By the time he walked in Pastor Ryan was ready to get started. He spotted everyone sitting in their usual crew. Anoop was in the middle with Megan on one side and Lil on the other. Allison and David were on the end. They scooted over to make room for him.

"You're missing it, yo!" Allison said, whispering the best that she could. Matt stood there, staring at the empty space beside her. He knew he was already making a scene but he said it anyway.

"I need to sit next to Anoop," he said, pointing to the middle of the row.

"What's wrong, do I smell or something?" Allison said, looking insulted.

"Please, guys," Matt said. The worship leaders started the procession down the aisle to the front of the chapel. Matt could feel people staring in their direction because he was still standing up. Megan was the one that started the shoving. Matt stepped over legs until he was able to squeeze beside Anoop, thigh to thigh.

"I just want to say, welcome!" Pastor Ryan said up front, speaking louder than usual. "I want to welcome you all to another glorious day for every day on this earth that God gives us is wonderful! And I want to welcome all our visitors today. The end of each semester is a special time. It's when we reflect on all the ways we've grown mentally and spiritually in the past few months and share with our family and friends. I want you to turn to your neighbor right now and tell them something that you have learned about yourself in the past few months."

Matt went to turn to Anoop but Megan elbowed him in the side.

"I learned that I'm really into hummus," she said, blinking up at him. "Never tried it before."

Matt opened his mouth but he really didn't have anything to say besides the obvious.

"I know what you learned," Megan said with a sly smile. Matt's eyes opened wide. Did everybody know now? Matt glanced back at Anoop but he was talking to Lil, not paying attention to him at all.

"What?" Matt asked dryly.

"You learned that you're a bit of a rebel," Megan said. "Quitting promises and then quitting my band and then secretly playing for both of them at the competition. Matt you're so nice." She smiled and patted his knee. "But you don't always do what people expect you to do."

Matt shrugged. He didn't know what to expect from himself. Megan had a point.

"Think about what you have learned," Pastor Ryan said from the front. "Reflect on this. God teaches these lessons so that you can grow into the person he means for you to be. Listen to life. Listen to yourself. Trust in God to show you the right path if you only stop and make the effort to feel it."

Anoop was facing forward, listening to Pastor Ryan's word. Matt didn't know how he could be so calm. He leaned into Anoop, looked up at the curve of his neck, the bottom of his ear. He stared until Anoop looked at him. Then he leaned into Anoop and whispered in his ear, "I love you."

Anoop half-glanced at him and didn't say anything. Matt took his hand, holding on to it, desperately. Anoop looked at him again. He extracted his hand from Matt's grip, carefully.

"You okay?" Anoop whispered.

Matt took his hand again. He pressed his palm against Anoop's. He _needed_ this but he didn't know how to let Anoop know.

This time Anoop turned and looked at him. Matt took a deep breath. Anoop adjusted his hand in Matt's grip and laced their fingers together. He placed his other hand on the back of Matt's and pulled his hand into his lap. He leaned into Matt, his face close to Matt's face. Matt could feel the heat from the stubble on his cheeks or at least he imagined he did. Anoop usually shaved but that morning he didn't. He was still wearing his glasses.

"I love you, too, Matt," Anoop whispered, still looking at him. Matt's hand was already getting sweaty but he didn't care. His cinnamon roll finally fell off his lap and onto the ground. Megan looked over, making a face.

"That's good food, Matt," she said, leaning over to pick it up. She was straightening up when she paused. Matt knew she could see their hands. There was no way to hide it really. They were in the middle of a crowded chapel with the stained glass windows and God watching them all. But most of all they were watching each other.

"Oh my God," Megan said.

Anoop let go of his hand.

Matt felt calm. His heart was beating fast but he wasn't nervous. He was anxious, in a good way. He was just _ready_. But Pastor Ryan had a lot to say. Matt felt naked with his bible. He didn't have anything on him.

Megan gripped his arm as Pastor Ryan told them where to look.

"Matt?" she said, urgently.

"I forgot mine," Matt said. Megan shoved her bible into his chest.

"What are you doing?" Megan asked in that same low voice. Matt thought it was obvious. He was flipping through her bible looking for the passage that Pastor Ryan was now quoting. But Megan hadn't let him go. In fact, she only held him harder.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Everyone bow your heads," Pastor Ryan said from the pulpit. "Let us pray."

Matt closed his eyes and reached for Anoop's hand again. He listened to Pastor Ryan but he had his own prayers that he needed to say. Anoop squeezed his hand, gently. Megan was staring now. She laid her hand on Matt's arm.

"Matt," Megan whispered.

Matt didn't know what to say and he was pretty sure that Megan didn't know what to say either. They couldn't really talk in the middle of chapel anyway. He turned to Megan and gave her a look, raising his eyebrows. He wasn't even sure what it was supposed to mean but Megan stared back at him before she started to laugh.

"You kissed me!" she said, not really whispering any more. Anoop let go of Matt's hand again now that several people were looking over. Matt shook his head but he was smiling too.

"Now," Pastor Ryan said, clasping his hands in front of him. "I'd like to invite Gates' premiere band, Promises, to the front to sing us the good word. They just won first place in a prestigious collegiate music competition at UALR called the Christmas Classic."

Matt's mouth dropped open. He had completely forgotten about their performance. Danny, Scott and Tim were all sitting up front wearing the same black dress pants and red shirts that they had worn for the competition. Matt jumped to his feet and quickly shuffled his way out of his row, stepping on David's foot in the process.

"What are you wearing?" Scott hissed as Matt joined them up front. Matt grabbed the front of his sweatshirt self-consciously. How did Scott even know? Danny wasn't looking at him. Tim was the only one who gave him a small smile as he strapped his guitar over his chest.

"Play the keys, Scott," Matt whispered. He gently pushed Scott toward the piano and then climbed up to sit behind the drums. They hadn't practiced this way in a long time but Matt knew that Scott would have no trouble with the switch and neither would he. Being behind the drums would give him more time to think. He wanted to feel the rhythm in his hands, feel the beat drumming though his entire body. There was still time to back out of this. Sure, people knew but maybe they really would keep his secret. He drummed and he sang and he prayed and he waited for something—anything—to tell him that this was the very worst thing.

It didn't come.

The song ended and Promises received a standing ovation from the congregation. Matt shook out his hands and looked over at Anoop. He couldn't really see him but he could feel him looking back. He shut his eyes for a moment. When he opened them Tim, Scott and Danny had gone back to their seats and Pastor Ryan was looking at him expectantly.

"Great job, Matt," Pastor Ryan said. Matt still didn't move. He didn't know what was next because he hadn't looked at the schedule but he knew that if he got off that stage he was never going to get back up there. He didn't know if this came from God, exactly, but he knew that he needed to do this.

"Can I talk now?" Matt blurted out. Pastor Ryan stared at him. Matt stood up with the drumsticks still in his hand.

"I'd like to give my senior sermon," Matt started again. "If that's okay with you."

"Matt..." Pastor Ryan said with a big smile on his face but it was kind of fake now. "You're not on the list."

"I'm taking Megan's spot," Matt said. "She said I could."

Now Matt felt Dean Dwyer's eyes on him, glaring. When he glanced in Megan's direction he saw her sliding lower in her seat.

"It's just that," Matt said. He moved closer to Ryan, to the pulpit, to the podium there where people stood and spoke the word of God. "I feel really moved right now. I want to speak while the word is strong within me."

Nobody could argue with that. Pastor Ryan and turned back to everyone in the pews.

"Let's welcome Matt Giraud," he said. "Now he'll give his Senior Sermon. Thank you, Matt."

The clapping was polite but Matt could tell that everyone was a bit confused, especially since he was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and everyone knew that he really wasn't supposed to _be_ there. Matt gripped the edges of the podium and blinked a couple of times, composing himself. Of course he didn't have anything prepared but that wasn't the real problem.

"Hi," Matt said. He could hear his voice echoing from the microphone. "I'm Matt. I'm a senior here. I've been at Gates since freshman year and I always felt like this place was made for me. As soon as I set foot on campus it felt like home."

Matt smiled at the memories. Maybe not as _soon_ as he stepped on campus but close to it. He definitely didn't want to leave for the summer. He remembered his mother being insulted by how upset he was that he had to go back to Michigan with her.

"I have great friends and great memories," Matt continued. "I've sat here every semester and listened to all the other seniors give their senior sermons, including my own friends just this past semester. It's inspiring to hear the other seniors talk about they have changed during their time at Gates and how God has changed them too. None of us are the same person that we were when we came here as freshman. There's no way that we can stay the same, not when we're supported and nurtured by so many people who share our faith and are pushing us to be better people for God. I always felt challenged during chapel and my bible track classes. It made me think about God's path for my life. I wanted to make sure that I got it right."

Matt took a deep breath and then he started shaking. The podium was actually moving. Matt let go and shook out his hands. He shouldn't do this. He knew he shouldn't do this. Anoop told him to wait. What was the point? He could get away with it. He'd lied for this long.

But this was what he had to do.

"I've been praying," Matt said. "Every day I prayed to God. I prayed when I get up, I prayed during the day, I prayed before I go to bed, I prayed in church, during fellowship, all the time. I prayed for God to change me. I couldn't stop these thoughts in my head, constantly plaguing me. All the while I was in Promises and my music classes and hanging out with my friends. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop it. I can't even tell you how many times I couldn't sleep at night because I was just so sad and angry with myself that I couldn't be different. That I wasn't normal. I just wanted to be a good person for God and for my family which includes all of you."

Matt bit his lip. He finally dared to look up again and everyone was just staring at him. He searched for Anoop's face in the crowd. He had to be brave, not so much for Anoop but for himself because he was the one who would have to live with this.

"I am a good person," Matt said, staring at the podium, even surprising himself. "I am. That's what I've come to learn. Who I love doesn't cancel out my love for God. It doesn't change my morals and who I am inside. I prayed to God and finally I realized that he was telling me to listen to myself. He was telling me to be honest and that was the only way I could truly feel love. Not just for other people but for myself because I just hated myself sometimes."

Matt laughed but in a sad way because it was true. He didn't want to hate himself anymore.

"I'm going to be honest with you," Matt continued. "And I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what the consequences will be. I'm not the smartest guy but I'm not stupid. I know what saying this means. I know what admitting this will do to me. I know I could have just kept this truth to myself and my life would probably be fine. But it wouldn't be real. It wouldn't be _right_. And I know that God wants me to show you something today. Something that you might not believe but maybe you will if you listen to me."

Matt wasn't shaking anymore. He focused on Danny in the front, staring at him with his mouth open.

"I'm gay," Matt said. There was sort of a collective gasp but not as loud as Matt expected. Maybe they didn't really hear him. Maybe they already knew.

"I've always been attracted to guys," Matt said. "I prayed for God to fix it but... it didn't happen." Matt laughed a little because he couldn't help it. "And I love someone now and I wouldn't change that. It's the best thing that could have happened to me. It made me realize that there has to be some _good_ to this. A love like the one I have can't be completely wrong. It has to have some element of God in there somehow. There has to be some hope for me."

He saw Anoop start to stand up but Megan yanked him back down. Matt shook his head, slightly. He didn't need any rescuing. He knew exactly what he was doing.

"I'm not saying that being gay isn't against God or against what's written in the bible because I'm not sure. I can't say that I'm not going to hell. I've read the same things you've read. I know all of the arguments. I know it's against the Code of Conduct here. I know it's forbidden. But I also know that in the end nobody can judge me but God. Nobody can tell me what God is going to do. You can try to predict it but you don't know for sure. I guess I'm willing to take a chance. I think it's worth it. I just want you to know that I'm not a bad guy. Who you love doesn't cancel out your love for God. I want to be a good Christian and I will continue to do so, no matter what."

Matt blinked a few times. He thought maybe he saw a couple of people crying. He didn't want to make anyone cry. He wished that his revelation wasn't so awful but it probably was.

"Some people say that being gay is a choice," Matt said. "Some people say it's biology. I don't know for sure. It doesn't feel like a choice. Then again, it sort of is, I guess. I don't _have_ to live my life this way. I could never tell anyone. I could marry a woman like I'm supposed to. I can fight it and pray and just be totally miserable when I'm alone. I chose not to be like that. It's not guaranteed that my life is going to be better. Maybe I still will be totally miserable when I'm alone now that I've told you. Maybe I am going to hell. I guess I'm choosing how to live my life but I'm not choosing how I feel. Doesn't every part of our life come from God?"

Matt paused, reflecting on that himself. He remembered being told as a kid that he was special because God made him. He certainly hoped that was still true. He smiled to himself, thinking about the simplicity of it all. Everyone might be special but that didn't always mean that "special" was good.

"That's what I learned this semester," Matt said, looking over his audience again. People were staring with a mixture of shock on their face, confusion, disbelief. The parents and alumni were mostly clustered up front and instead of looking proud like they had earlier they only looked afraid. There was also a lot of pity. Matt didn't want them to feel sorry for him but he really didn't know how to change that except to go on.

"That's what I learned about myself. I learned that God wanted me to be honest. I learned that I'm willing to take a chance. I learned that I have to believe in myself. I also learned that love can be really great and something that wonderful just has to come from God. Even if you're a guy in love with another man."

"That's enough, Mr. Giraud," Dean Dwyer said loudly, standing up from his spot in the front of the chapel. "Come with me. _Now_."

Matt froze. He hadn't been completely prepared for the dark, serious look on Dean Dwyer's face. It was unlike any look that Matt had ever seen before.

"Dean Dwyer!" Katy said, also jumping to her feet.

"No!" Dean Dwyer shouted, snapping his fingers at her. Katy sat back down, immediately. Dean Dwyer repeated himself, seeming like he was talking to everyone. "No." He looked at Matt again and gestured for him to get down from the pulpit.

Matt swallowed hard, walking over to Dean Dwyer. He didn't say anything, just made his way up the aisle, walking in long strides. Matt knew he had to follow. He passed row after row of people, staring at him. Nobody was talking. The chapel was eerily silent. Matt thought he could hear his heart pounding in his chest.

"Matt!" Someone cried. Then he saw Allison rush over to him. She threw her arms around him.

"Don't leave," Allison said, her face pressed against his sweatshirt. "I still love you. I don't care!"

"It's okay, Allie," Matt said, pushing her arms away gently. His friends were looking at him sympathetically. He searched Anoop's eyes. Anoop's face looked carefully blank.

"Move," Dean Dwyer said, harshly. It didn't take long until they were out of the double wooden doors and into the strangely bright December sunshine. Matt remembered the other times he'd wandered campus during Sunday service. It was never for a good reason.

"Who put you up to this?" Dean Dwyer asked as they headed for the administrative building. Matt shook his head.

"Nobody, sir," he said. "Nobody except God."

Dean Dwyer turned to him, waving a finger, sharply. "Don't you dare bring God into this," he hissed. Matt took a deep breath, falling a couple of steps back. He was in some real, deep trouble. There was no turning back now.

The phone was ringing as soon as Dean Dwyer opened the door to his office. Matt sat down in one of the leather chairs across from his desk without being invited to take a seat. Dean Dwyer snatched the phone up.

"What? Yes... he's with me right now. I would appreciate that." He hung up forcefully. Matt had never been in his office. Students didn't go there unless they were receiving a major award or if they were in major trouble. Matt always knew that if he ended up in Dean Dwyer's office it was not going to be a good thing.

"You know what we have to do," Dean Dwyer said. He didn't sit. He stood on the other side of his desk with his hands on hips, looking out the window.

Matt nodded. He felt all talked out. He couldn't really say anything.

"I don't understand," Dean Dwyer said. His voice was quiet now. "You've always been a valuable member of this community. Your contributions have been admirable. You're wonderful in Promises. You've really enhanced the music program. You're a well liked person on campus. People look up to you. I wouldn't except this from you. This is a serious misstep in your life. Frankly, I'm dissapointed in you, Matt. You had a really bright future. Why did you do this?"

Matt took a shaky breath. It was really hitting him now. He clenched his teeth so they would stop chattering.

"It's the truth, sir," Matt said, his voice above a whisper.

"Sometimes people don't want to know the truth," Dean Dwyer said. "It doesn't work to your advantage."

"Are you telling me to lie?" Matt asked, surprised. He expected a lot of things to come out of this but he didn't expect that. Dean Dwyer stared at him for a moment. Matt forced himself not to look away.

"And who is the..." Dean Dwyer seemed to stop himself from shuddering as he said the words. "Young man you're currently involved with? Is he a student here?"

Matt shook his head. "I won't say. This is just about me."

Dean Dwyer took a deep breath and heaved it out in a big sigh. "Lord, give me strength," he said out loud.

"Me too," Matt said. Dean Dwyer wasn't amused so Matt stifled his nervous laughter.

"This is serious," Dean Dwyer said. "You're in some serious trouble, Matt. Your soul is in serious trouble. You could have asked for help. There are plenty of programs for people like you."

Matt nodded because he already knew that. He leaned back against the chair and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to get away from Dean Dwyer's chilly, condescending stare.

"I need to meet with a few people," Dean Dwyer said. "You could tarnish the image of this whole school."

"I didn't mean that," Matt said, his heart beating faster now.

"I don't think you thought about this little stunt at all, Mr. Giraud," Dean Dwyer said, wearily. "Please wait outside. I'll call you in when I'm ready."

Matt left the room and the door shut behind him.

The last semester service always went long. Matt watched the clock on the wall in front of him. He was in the main waiting room of the administration building. If school were in session there would be a secretary sitting at the front desk but it wasn't so nobody was there. There was a bench against the wall that Matt was sitting on, a couple of couches, some chairs. Students that like to suck up spent time here, sometimes, just hanging out. Matt remembered spending a couple of afternoons with Danny talking in the admin building. Dean Dwyer gave them a big smile as he passed.

He didn't think Dean Dwyer would be smiling at him anymore.

After about a half-hour a couple of other people walked in to the building, men in suits that Matt had only seen from a distance. He was pretty sure one of them was the chancellor. Matt closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall.

This was a very big deal.

Time continued to crawl, passing second by second, so slowly. He wondered what they were talking about in chapel now. Maybe Pastor Ryan had organized a big prayer for him so that he could be cured.

Maybe Matt wanted him too.

There was a burst of noise outside, people passing the building, walking down the pathways in big clumps. Service was over now. Everyone was going home. There was no bible study, no prayer groups, not today. It was official winter break, time for Christmas, a month without school. Many students were laughing, walking quickly. Some of them already had their suitcases and they were heading for the main parking lot where their cars or their parents were waiting. Matt knew that there was a big bus to take students to the airport.

Matt sucked in his breath, thinking about the airport. Anoop's plane left that afternoon. Anoop would have to get on the bus to the airport. He was probably going back to get his suitcases from his dorm room right now.

He might not get to see Anoop again.

Matt clasped his hands together, thinking about what he last said to Anoop. _I love you_. It had to be enough.

Matt knew it would be asking too much but he really wanted to see Anoop walk through the door. His breath hitched when it opened again. Katy marched in, still wearing her worship leader outfit. She walked into Dean Dwyer's office. Just opened the door. She didn't even knock.

"You cannot make any decisions before the Student Disciplinary Committee has had a chance to meet!" she practically shouted from the doorway. Matt looked over with wide eyes. The door closed quickly behind her.

Kris came in a few moments later, carrying a backpack over one shoulder. He pressed a hand against his chest, breathing hard.

"Man, that girl can move," he said.

"What is she talking about?" Matt asked.

"It was all she could think about," Kris said. "She kept saying, we have to get to Matt, we have to get to Matt. Apparently any disciplinary actions have to be approved by the committee. I don't know." Kris sighed, taking a seat next to Matt. "I am winded. Service couldn't end soon enough. Katy could barely sit still. She was so mad."

"Wow," Matt said. "I really screwed up, huh?"

"I didn't think you were going to tell... everyone," Kris said. "I thought I was special."

Matt smiled a little. "I didn't want you getting a big head."

"Mission accomplished." Kris nudged his side and they both smiled.

"I'm just sitting here, waiting," Matt said.

"Well, I'll wait with you," Kris said. "Don't worry, Katy's going to bat for you. I'd be a little frightened if I were in there with her."

Matt nodded, staring down at his knees. "Thanks, Kris," he said.

Kris sat next to Matt and he was sort of quiet, which was nice. Matt realized that he no longer felt nervous or scared or sad. He mostly felt spent. He was _tired_ and the fact that he didn't sleep at all the night before didn't help. Matt scrubbed a hand over his face.

"Hey," Kris said. "I stole some Christmas cookies. We had a reception, you know. If you're up to it."

"Stolen goods," Matt said, looking over at him. "Don't mind if I do."

Kris pulled the cookies out from his backpack which was now on the floor at his feet. They were carefully wrapped in bright red napkins. Matt always loved the small ones that were dusted with powdered sugar. He ate a couple of them slowly, savoring them. Kris waved a sprinkle cookie in his face.

"I've got a star," he said. "Be jealous."

"Don't eat it, Kris," Matt said. "Now we won't be able to find baby Jesus."

Kris stuffed the whole cookie in his mouth and then they both cracked up. Kris managed to chew and swallow despite the fact that he was coughing and choking. Matt whacked him on the back towards the end.

"Too much cookie for my mouth to handle," Kris managed to say after he recovered. Matt laughed some more but he really wasn't in the mood to pig out on cookies. He leaned back against the wall and stared at the clock.

"Kris?" Matt asked. "Have you seen Anoop?"

Kris leaned over his knees, looking serious again. "Yeah," he said, slowly. "He had to get on the airport bus. His flight leaves in a couple of hours, you know?"

Matt nodded. He knew this but now it was actually real. Anoop was gone, headed back to North Carolina, probably forever. Matt imagined him at the airport. He hoped that the security line wasn't too long. Pretty soon he'd be settling into his window seat with his headphones on. Matt knew he'd fall asleep. He had to be tired. He wondered how much Anoop would think about him.

If he'd be thinking about him at all.

The hotel room had to count. They stayed up all night saying goodbye in many different positions. That had to mean something. Anoop said he loved him. He said it several times. And he said that he wanted to wait. That he wanted to stay together. Still, Matt wished he could talk to him one more time, that he had the chance to look into Anoop's eyes and really _know_ that it was true.

He just wanted Anoop to hold him one more time.

"I'm sorry, man," Kris said, reaching over to pat Matt's leg. "I don't know how I'd feel if Katy moved away. I'd be crushed."

Matt shrugged. "I knew it was coming," he said. "It's okay."

"No, it's not okay," Kris said. "Today sucks, Matt. We can talk about it. How can you be doing okay?"

Matt grinned but then he put his face in his hands. Didn't he do all of this so he wouldn't have to pretend anymore? He felt Kris put his arm around him. Everything was swimming around in his head. He turned to Kris and hugged him tightly.

"I love him," Matt said. Kris rubbed his back, comfortingly. "I don't even know if I'm going to see him again."

"Yes, you will," Kris said. "You two will figure it out, Matt."

Matt pulled away and managed a small smile while he held Kris at an arm's length.

"This is weird, huh?" he said. "I'm practically crying on your shoulder over some guy."

"It's not some guy," Kris said. "It's Anoop. He's my friend, too. Yeah, it's a little weird but... a good kind of weird. It's like I'm getting to know you all over again. Did you ever like anyone before Anoop?"

Matt coughed, not sure what to say. He didn't think he was ready to confess _that_ yet.

"It's not really based on who you like," Matt said. "It's just how you feel inside. But Kris, I'm still the same guy! I'm not going to start, like, singing showtunes and stuff. Unless you guys want to for the band."

Kris laughed, shaking his head. "I think we'll have to talk about that one later."

"I really do believe God brought Noop into my life," Matt said. He helped himself to another cookie after all. "This was supposed to happen. I did it on purpose, Kris. It was just something I had to do."

Kris nodded like he understood but Matt knew he didn't, not really. Matt didn't understand everything himself.

"Well," Kris said. "It was very brave. I could tell that your speech really came from the heart. After... the whole place was quiet, you know? Just the whole rest of service. We were all thinking about you, I think."

Matt took a deep breath and let it out, slowly. "I don't know if it worked," he admitted, his words coming out quickly, almost slurred together.

"What worked?" Kris asked.

"I just wanted people to see that you can still love God and, you know, love guys or whatever the case may be."

"Well, I believe it, Matt," Kris said. "I know other people do, too. They probably believed it before you said anything. Maybe they believe it even more now. Some people do."

"I hope so," Matt mumbled.

"You're brave," Kris said. "Katy said that and I believe it, too. It's all going to work out." Kris squeezed Matt's knee again. Matt was reminded of all his feelings and Kris's question about if he had liked someone before Anoop. He couldn't help blushing, just a little.

"Hey," Matt said loudly, glancing at Kris. "Remember the first night in our dorm freshman year? You farted really loudly in your sleep. I never told you that. It sounded like like a car back firing."

"What?" Kris said, eyes wide. Matt started cracking up and after a moment Kris joined him. They were still laughing when the door opened.

Katy came out, looking just as serious as she did when she walked in there.

"Oh Matt," she said. She walked over to him and gave him a big hug that lasted a long time. Matt's brow was a little sweaty when they finally separated. He didn't remember it being so hot in there.

"God, Matt," Katy said, hand over her mouth now, standing in front of him. Matt didn't feel quite so cheerful anymore. Katy shook her head.

"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath as if she needed to collect herself. The other men came out of the room, including Dean Dwyer. They didn't even look at him.

"So I talked to them," Katy said. "They agreed to to make a final decision until the disciplinary committee gets a chance to meet next semester. That's the good news, Matt. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that you graduate. But Matt--" Katy's voice broke. Kris reached for her hand. She shook her head, blonde hair swinging softly behind her.

"There's no way you're coming back here," Katy said. Matt stared up at her, not sure what to think. It wasn't a surprising conclusion but it was harder to hear the words than he thought it would be.

"So I'm expelled?" Matt asked. His voice sounded funny in his ears. He felt like he was watching this conversation on reality TV, like it was happening to some other Matt.

"No, you're not expelled," Katy said. "Not yet. Not officially. I won't let that happened. But Matt, you're suspended. Indefinitely. And they won't let you come back and say on campus next semester."

"That's bullshit," Kris said, quietly.

"Matt did break several conditions in the student code of conduct," Katy said, looking at their feet. "It's hard to argue with that."

"I know," Matt said. "I understand."

"Matt," Katy said again. She gave him another hug. Matt patted her back. He just wanted to get out of there.

"You have one hour to pack your stuff and remove yourself from the premesis," Dean Dwyer said, suddenly appearing in front of them again. Katy turned and stood straight, still looking tough with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You give Matt all the time he needs," she demanded. "He has been an upstanding student here for four years and he deserves respect. I'll make sure that he leaves but he can take his time. I'll take responsibility for this, Dean Dwyer. Please don't be so hard on him. He needs our support. You should pray for him."

"Believe me, I will," Dean Dwyer said. He glanced at Matt, only for a moment. "He's your responsibility, then. Good bye, Mr. Giraud."

Dean Dwyer walked back to his office and shut the door. Kris got up. He pulled Matt to his feet and put his arm around Katy.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

Matt held both Kris and Katy's hand as they walked back across campus to the dorms and it gave him some strength. It was amazing how quickly campus had become a ghost town. Nearly everyone was already gone.

"I don't care about the rules," Katy said, when they reached the entrance to Clearwater Hall. "I'm coming in."

The elevator opened and Danny nearly collided into them, stepping off.

"Matt!" he said. "I, like, I really wasn't going to tell. I meant what I said. I didn't think you were going to do that and right after Promises! Now, like, that's what everyone is going to think about when they think about us."

Matt managed a tight lipped smile. "Merry Christmas, Danny. I guess I'll see you around."

"I think it's good you told," Danny said, as the elevator doors closed slowly. "Now you can get the help you need!"

Matt closed his eyes wearily. Kris patted his arm. They rode up to their floor, silently.

"Everyone's talking about me," Matt said, when the doors dinged and opened again.

"Some of it is good, I promise," Katy said. "We'll be there in a little bit, Matt. I want to talk to Kris."

Matt waved a hand. They were probably going to talk about him too, how he threw his whole life away.

When he got back to his room he wasn't expecting Anoop.

"Hi," Anoop said, sitting on Matt's bed. Matt stood near the door. It was almost like seeing a ghost.

"Why'd you do that?" Anoop said.

"Why aren't you on the bus?" Matt asked.

"My parents are going to kill me," Anoop said. "I have a bad habit of missing flights. But I couldn't leave without seeing you again."

"Oh God, Anoop," Matt said. He launched himself straight for Anoop's arms. Anoop fell back on the bed with Matt on top of him. Matt buried his face in the crook of Anoop's neck. Anoop held him tightly, not saying a word. He just rubbed his back and squeezed him tighter. Matt didn't say anything either. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He focused on the way Anoop smelled, so sweet and clean. After a long while Anoop kissed his ear. Matt moved away just enough to kiss Anoop on the lips. Then he kissed him again and they kissed, small, tender kisses, until Matt felt like he might burst.

"They kicked me out," Matt blurted out. His lower lip was trembling. He felt like a child.

"I know," Anoop said. He stroked Matt's hair, pulling his fingers through gently, scratching his scalp. "I know... it's not fair."

"It's against the rules," Matt said. "We are. Me and you."

"That's not fair, either," Anoop said. "It's not fair anywhere."

"I can't lose you," Matt said, desperately. He closed his eyes tightly as if that would stop time but it just didn't.

"I'm right here," Anoop said.

Matt tried to force a laugh but it wasn't working this time. "I feel like I'm going to cry," he said.

"You can cry," Anoop said. "I'll hold you, Matt."

Matt closed his eyes against the stupid tears. He'd thought he was prepared but he wasn't. Gates was his _home_. He guessed that somehow, somewhere deep inside, he prayed that this wouldn't happen to him. But it did.

He wasn't welcome here anymore.

After a little while Matt pulled away to deal with his runny nose. There were tissues on the nightstand near his bed. Anoop handed him a wad.

"I use these to clean up after I think about you at night," Matt said, holding the tissues to his nose. Anoop laughed. He cupped Matt's face in his hands after Matt was done blowing his nose and wiped Matt's cheeks with his thumbs.

"I'm proud of you, Matt," Anoop said, staring into his eyes.

"You don't think I was dumb?" Matt asked.

"Matt," Anoop said, his hands still on Matt's face. "I... when you were doing it I was like, why is he doing this? I was just scared. I still am. I'm scared for you. But I don't think you're dumb. I'd never think that."

"I'm scared, too, Noop," Matt said. He was scared about more than school. He was mostly scared about what would happen to their relationship once Anoop really got on that plane.

"I guess we'll be scared together," Anoop said. He put his arms around Matt again. They laid together on the bed, holding each other. Matt didn't want this moment to ever end. He kissed Anoop's collarbone lightly. He always tasted so good, every inch of his skin. They still had so much to explore together.

This couldn't be the end.

They were still laying there when the door clicked open. Matt heard Kris said, "Oh."

"Anoop!" Katy said, surprised.

"Don't let us interrupt," Kris said.

"No," Anoop said, sitting up. Matt pulled away to sit up on his own. "Hey guys."

"Noop surprised me," Matt said. He hoped his eyes weren't red. He didn't want them to know that he'd been crying.

"I'm so happy you're here," Katy said to Anoop. "I don't want you to leave. I don't want either of you to leave. I feel like I'm losing so many wonderful people!"

"We're still here for now," Anoop said with a small smile. Kris and Katy sat on Kris' bed across from them.

"It's been a long day," Kris said. He looked startled when there was a knock at the door. Katy went to open it. Allison, Megan and David were standing there.

"David snuck us in," Megan reported.

"I realized that, um, my ID works," David said. "In the front door. I think it was probably I mistake and I meant to report it but, um, gosh--"

"We need to fight the system!" Allison cried. "I won't let them kick you out. Don't leave me, Matt."

She dove across the bed, tackling Matt more than she hugged him. Matt couldn't help laughing. Megan shook her head.

"When I saw Dean Dwyer's face, oh boy," she said. "I have never seen him that pissed. And believe me, I've seen him pissed a _lot_ because I'm usually the one pissing him off. Way to go, Matt."

Megan gave Matt a high five and Matt rolled his eyes. Allison settled in his lap and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Yeah, I thought he might explode at one point," Matt said.

"I knew it," Megan said. "As soon as I saw you holding Anoop's hand. I knew that you two were together and that Matt was about to do something crazy. I tried to stop you, Matt."

"I couldn't be stopped," Matt said. "Believe me. It's okay, Megan."

"Man, Matt," Megan said, leaning against the wall. She stared at him for a moment. "Listening to you just took my breath away. It really was like looking into someone's soul."

Matt watched her. Anoop rubbed his arm.

"You're one of the best people I know," Megan concluded. Matt felt something shift in his chest. He didn't know what to say.

"Well, I think," David started. He looked at Allison and started again. "I think that, um, there has to be _something_ we can do. Gosh, I'd really like to, uh, help you Matt. How can we help?"

Matt looked around and smiled at everyone. They were all watching, waiting for the answer to David's question. Matt realized then that Dean Dwyer might be able to take the school away from him, but he couldn't take away his friends.

He couldn't take away the people he truly loved.

"Actually," Matt said, slowly. "There is something you guys can do." He took a deep breath and let it slowly. This was it. He had to deal with the consequences now.

There was nothing else left.

"If you're up for it," Matt said. "You guys can help me pack."


	34. Chapter 34

Matt realized he hadn't packed at all—not even to go home for the break. He found his suitcases in the back of his closet and hauled them out, opening them up on top of the bed. Katy left and came back with a few boxes a few minutes later. Megan started on the random stuff Matt had in his desk. Kris pointed out Matt's drawers to David who started folding his jeans neater than Matt had ever folded his jeans. Anoop started on taking Matt's shirts off the hanger and putting them in a suitcase. Matt felt pretty satisfied with everything until he noticed Allison standing over to the side, watching them.

"So," she said, looking back at Matt. "You and Anoop are, like, a couple?"

Matt looked over at Anoop who smiled.

"Yeah," Anoop said. "You can say that."

"That's so cool!" Allison said. "I thought the only gay guy I was ever gonna know would be Adam. Now I know three and they were right under my nose. Oh my God, we're all couples! Me and David, Kris and Katy, Matt and Anoop! We're like a threesome."

"What about me?" Megan said. "Does that make me the 7th wheel? Well that's wonderful. Matt, I thought you and me were in it together, living the single life! Then he throws this curveball at me."

"Sorry!" Matt said with a laugh. "I'll still be your pretend boyfriend."

"Yeah, that's all you were," Megan said, shaking her head. "You just used me."

"It was fun, though, right?" Matt asked. Megan stepped over to him and put her arms around him.

"It was a lot of fun," Megan said, her face close to Matt's. She kissed him, softly. "Are you sure, Matt?"

"I think so," Matt said.

"Hey..." Anoop said, smiling.

"I'm doing you a favor, Anoop!" Megan said, turning around. "I was just testing him. He passed. He's only thinking about you."

"That's why you two were always sneaking away together!" Allison said. "I bet you were making out. You were, weren't you? Holy shit, I really never would have guessed this!"

Matt had to laugh. David was blushing hard from his place near the dresser.

"You could have gotten away with it," Allison said, reflectively. "I mean, we were like, around you guys all the times and we never guessed."

"Yeah," Matt said. "But it wasn't something I wanted to get away with, you know?"

Allison sighed. "This really sucks. I don't want to help you pack. We have to fight the system! We have to get you back on campus, man. We can't have our band without you. Not without both you guys! I'm really upset about this. I don't want you to leave!"

"I don't want to leave either, Allie," Matt said. "But I really don't think there's anything we can do. It's not like I didn't know this was going to happen."

"Well, you're stupid then, Matt!" Allison said, throwing her hands in the air. "I hate helping you pack. You're lucky that I like you so much."

"Thanks, Allison," Matt said. "I want this to be fun! We'll call it a packing party. Kris, turn on your iTunes."

"I assume Kanye is okay with everyone," Kris said, opening his computer.

"It's not a real party since there's no booze," Megan said. "But I'm willing to pretend."

"Wait," Kris said. "I changed my mind. I'm going to put on my super secret party mix."

"Party mix?" Katy asked. "I haven't heard this one."

"That, my friend," Kris said. "Is why it's called super secret."

Katy Perry started playing. Kris grabbed Katy's hands and began twirling her around.

"No dancing in couples!" Megan demanded. "I really don't want to feel like the third wheel."

"I'm glad to see you guys are so happy that I'm out of here!" Matt said, blinking like he was actually hurt.

"Sorry, Matt," Kris said with a shrug. "But that means more room for me. I think I'm going to turn your side of the room into a gym. Or maybe I'll put an entertainment center there. What do you guys think?"

"Entertainment center for sure," Megan said. "Matt's old room is about to become party central!"

They all laughed. Matt sat back down on his bed. He was glad everyone was having fun—he wanted them too—but when he thought about the reality of the situation he was still pretty sad.

Anoop sat next to him after a few moments. Matt looked up and realized that the closet was empty and one of his suitcases were already full.

"Hey," Anoop said.

"Hey, Noop," Matt said. Anoop leaned over and kissed him, which was unexpected. Matt grinned when he pulled away.

"I couldn't let Megan show me up," Anoop said. He kissed Matt's cheek. Matt wrapped his arm around Anoop's back and pulled him closer. Then he noticed that everyone was staring at them.

"It's so cute!" Allison said.

"She's right," Kris said. "You two are adorable."

Matt laughed but he didn't move away from Anoop. He had to admit that they were pretty cute together if he did say so himself.

"Thanks," Anoop said. He took Matt's hand.

"Um," David said. "We're never going to, uh, finish packing if we keep, uh, dancing?"

"Packing's overrated," Kris said.

"Maybe if we never pack him up we can keep Matt here forever!" Allison said.

"We do have to finish sometime," Katy said. "I think final curfew is six o'clock. Everyone has to be off campus before then."

"Wow," Matt said. He glanced at the clock. It was already after four. He didn't know what he'd been expecting. He really did have to leave sometime.

"Can I talk to you?" Anoop said, standing up.

Matt looked around until he realized that Anoop was talking to him.

"Oh yeah," Matt said. "Sure..."

"Don't worry about the packing," Katy said. "We'll try to squeeze some in between dancing. Come on, guys."

Anoop stood over Matt and offered his hand. Matt let Anoop pull him up.

"We'll be right back," Anoop said. Matt followed him out of the room. The hallway was completely silent. Everyone was gone now, excited about Christmas. Matt realized that he hadn't even asked.

"Noop?" Matt asked, walking beside him. "What do you want for Christmas?"

"What?" Anoop asked, looking over at him.

"I want to get you something," Matt said. As soon as Matt saw the door to the staircase he knew where they were going. He followed Anoop up the stairs and shivered when he felt the cold blast of air from the chilly day outside.

"When I get back to Michigan my face is going to freeze off," Matt said. "It always takes me a while to get used to how cold it is up there."

"It'll be about this in North Carolina," Anoop said. "I guess it's cold. But not a bad kind of cold."

"Remember when we first came up here?" Matt said. He checked to see if he could see his breath but it wasn't quite that cold. "It was kind of chilly then."

"Yeah," Anoop said. "We had to hide. I guess we don't have to hide anymore."

"I guess not," Matt said. They didn't say anything for a moment. Matt reached out and fingered Anoop's bow tie.

"I remember you wore that on the first Sunday," Matt said.

"I was way too dressed up, right?" Anoop said. "I still am."

"No," Matt said. He wrapped his arms around Anoop's neck. "I like it. It's totally you, Noop." Matt touched his nose to Anoop's. His nose was cold but his lips were soft. He held Anoop tighter as they kissed deeper and deeper. Matt sighed and not just because he liked it. Anoop kissed him one last time and then pulled away.

"I know what you can get me," Anoop said, quietly.

"What?" Matt asked.

Anoop pulled away. He looked into Matt's eyes like he was searching them. Matt stared back into Anoop's deep brown eyes.

"Come with me," Anoop said, taking his hands. "Move to North Carolina. You can stay with me. I have a place with my buddies. You can stay there until we find our own place. It won't take long, Matt. Look, I don't really have that many classes next semester. I'm basically done except for my thesis. We don't have to stay in North Carolina but it can be a good home base so we can decide what to do next. That's what I want. I really want this, Matt. Come with me."

Matt continued to stare at Anoop. He didn't think he'd heard him say so much at once before. He took a deep breath, suddenly at a loss for words.

"Please." Anoop said, quietly. "Matt, we didn't come this far just to... lose it now. We can turn this negative into a positive. There's tons of schools around Chapel Hill. We can get you in somewhere, if you want. We can do whatever you want. We can make our own music. I don't want to give you up. Matt, I feel like you fought for me. You came out to everybody. I'm fighting for you. This could work. I'll make it work, Matt."

Matt had to look away. On top of the the roof the ground looked so far away. He had never noticed how far up they were again. It was like his whole perspective on life was changing. It was hard to breathe.

"I can't tell you that this is what God wants," Anoop said. "I can't say if this is the right thing but it feels like it is. Maybe this happened so we can have a life together. Come _with_ me."

Anoop finished and he was breathing like he had just run up and down the stairs a few times. Matt still couldn't speak.

"We'll go to church together every Sunday," Anoop said. "You pick the place."

Matt laughed and finally found his voice. "Noop..." he said. Anoop shook his head.

"Don't say anything if you're not going to say yes," he said.

"Anoop," Matt started again. "Wow..."

"It won't be easy," Anoop said. "But I'm ready to make a change in my life, too. I've always lived for school, for getting ahead, to proving that I'm this certain kind of person. Sometimes I forget to be myself even with my best friends. Matt, you help me be that person I want to be. I want to live life so I'm happy. I'm happy with you."

Anoop squeezed Matt's hands. Matt felt a little dizzy and a wind whipped past so the tips of his ears were freezing. He glanced down at their feet.

"Matt..." Anoop said, quietly.

"Wow, Anoop," Matt said again. He couldn't help laughing a little.

"What does that mean?" Anoop asked.

"I..." Matt said, trailing off. He pulled his hands away from Anoop and put them on top of his head, looking away.

"Tell me what's going through your head," Anoop said. He pressed his cold palms to Matt's cheeks. "I need to know."

"I love you, Noop," Matt said.

"I know," Anoop said.

"I don't know," Matt whispered. "I'm scared. I think I need to go home for a little while. But I don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," Anoop said. "I don't want to force you into this. We can wait. But I want you there. I don't want us to be apart for too long. It's hard being away from you."

Matt took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I need to spend some time at home, Noop. I need to talk to my parents and my pastor there. I just need to sort this out a little more. I need to work things out with... God."

He looked up at Anoop and hoped that he understood. Anoop was nodding, watching him with a concerned look on his face.

"Not forever," Matt said. "A little time. It's not because I don't want to be with you, Noop! It's just that I need a little time."

Anoop pulled him close again, hugging him tightly. He felt Anoop's hand circling his back and then stroking his hair.

"Take all the time you need, baby," Anoop whispered in his ear.

"Baby?" Matt repeated, pulling away a little to smile at him. Anoop kissed his nose. Matt kissed his lips and they started kissing again, hard, until Matt couldn't breathe. It was a good burn in his chest. He took a quick breath and then buried his face in Anoop's shoulder.

"It's okay," Anoop said, hands in his hair again.

"I want to come," Matt said. "I do, Noop. We should do this." He moved away so they could talk properly. "After winter break, after I hear the final verdict about what's going to happen to me here... then I'll come to North Carolina. I'll come."

"You will come?" Anoop asked.

"Anoop, what did you say?" Matt said. "You don't say things you don't mean? I don't lie either. Just... you'll have to wait for me, okay? And pray for me. But I'm going to be all right."

"Remember that day you taught me to pray?" Anoop asked. He took Matt's hands again, clasping them in between his own. Then he bowed his head.

"God," Anoop said. "Thank you. Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for bring Matt into my life. Thank you for bringing me to Gates because I have learned so much here. Please keep Matt safe. Keep him happy. Don't let others judge him based solely on feelings he shouldn't have to hide. Please help Matt find the peace and the grace he's looking for and I hope you'll do the same for me. Matt is a true believer but he needs to believe in himself most of all. I believe in him so much. I believe that Matt can do anything through your love and the love of his family and friends and my love too. So please help him and send him back to me, God. When it's right. But it better be soon. That's my selfish prayer."

Anoop chuckled. "Amen," he finished. Matt felt like crying all over again.

"I'm going to get there, Noop," he said. He hugged Anoop again because he was full of emotions but he was also cold. They had been standing out there for quite a while and it was getting windier and windier.

"Okay, Matt," Anoop said. They started kissing again while they moved toward the door. Matt didn't really want to go back down there but then they were back at his former dorm room. He was surprised to see that mostly everything was packed and Allison, Megan and David were gone.

"They said to tell you goodbye," Katy said. "Allison's parents had been waiting over an hour. They were pretty upset. Megan had to get to the train station."

"Wow," Matt said. "God, I'm sorry I missed her. And David. And Megan..." He sighed. He really hadn't gotten to say a proper goodbye to anyone. Everyone who had been so important to his life at Gates were pretty much gone now. Of course, he'd see them outside of the college but it just wouldn't be the same. Matt knew that.

"I think we got pretty much everything," Kris said. "You stole a couple of my shirts. I got them back."

"How did you fit in them?" Anoop asked. Matt turned to him to glare.

"Thanks guys," he said to Kris and Katy. "I wouldn't be able to do this without you. Not by six, at least."

"We can head to my place," Kris said. "Have dinner. My mom would love it. You're welcome to spend the night."

"That would be great," Matt said but Anoop cleared his throat.

"Actually," Anoop said. "I really need to get to the airport. There's a late flight that I need to get on. We're going on a cruise for Christmas. My parents are going to be so pissed. I'm sorry, guys."

"I can drive you," Katy said. Matt shook his head.

"No, I'll drive, Anoop," he said.

"You can't go home tonight," Kris said. "Come back to my house and get some sleep."

Matt nodded. "Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll do that, Kris."

"Good," Kris said.

"Let's start loading up," Katy said. "We need to get out of here."

Between the four of them it took three stuff to get all of Matt's stuff out of the dorm. They put half of Matt's stuff in Kris' car so they would have room for Anoop's suitcases. Everybody's car was riding low to the ground.

"It's crazy how much stuff you just..." Matt waved a hand at his jam packed back seat. "I just have a lot of stuff!"

"This is it," Anoop said. Matt stood off to the side while Anoop said goodbye to Kris and Katy. It took a while but he expected it to. When Anoop walked over to him, he was smiling.

"Let's go, Matt," he said.

Matt waved. "Bye Kris! Bye Katy!"

"See you in a little bit, man," Kris said.

"Drive safely," Katy said. "No funny business. Don't drive too fast."

"Believe me," Matt said. He glanced at Anoop. "I won't."

It was funny leaving Gates for the last time. The trees were behind him, the grass that was brown now, the chapel, the bell tower, the music building with his favorite piano hidden inside. Gates actually had a pair of strong iron gates at the exit and they closed behind them, one final reminder that Matt was not welcome there anymore.

They turned on the radio. Anoop kept his hand on Matt's knee.

"You ever miss having a crush on Kris?" Anoop asked.

"Who says I still don't have a crush on Kris?" Matt said. They both laughed.

"Well, you better not find his way back into his room when you're looking for someone to cuddle tonight," Anoop said.

"We have some fond memories in Kris' room," Matt said. "Like how you puked in front of me."

"I told you not to give me the cheesecake," Anoop said. It was nice laughing with him. It was easy. It didn't feel like this might be the last time they were going to see each other for quite a while.

"I really do have a lot of good memories," Matt said. He put his hand over the hand that Anoop had on his knee.

"You don't even know," Anoop said. "In the beginning sometimes I wanted just to scream 'fuck you' at Danny and get out of that crazy religious college. But... I thought about you. It was your smile. I don't know. Made me feel a little better."

"Really?" Matt asked because he hadn't heard this before. Anoop nodded. He squeezed Matt's hand.

"Thank you," Anoop said.

"I'm honestly amazing that you made it through," Matt said. "But you did. I think we saved you, Anoop."

Anoop nodded as he leaned his head against Matt's shoulder for a moment. "You certainly did. More than you think."

They stopped for dinner at a Cracker Barrel on the way but they got served too fast and then they were too full and they ended back on the road. Anoop made a couple of phone calls and secured himself a space on the upcoming flight. He seemed to be used with dealing with that type of thing.

The Little Rock airport wasn't big and the parking was cheap. Matt parked and walked in the airport with Anoop, holding his hand, after Anoop was done with his bags at curbside check-in. They still had another half hour before Anoop needed to get through the security line so they sat at the Starbucks near the baggage claim. Anoop got a non-fat latte and blew on the steaming lid.

"I'n going to miss your lips," Matt said. Anoop looked up and gave him a funny look.

"I'm just saying!" Matt threw his hands in the air.

"You have nicer lips, Matt," Anoop said.

"My lips can't kiss my own lips," Matt said, sadly.

"We're just taking a kissing hiatus," Anoop said. "Right?"

"Right," Matt said. Then he paused. "What's a hiatus?"

"A temporary break," Anoop clarified. "It's not forever. We're going to kiss again."

"Yeah, we are," Matt said. "Right now." He leaned over the table and kissed Anoop, sweetly. He tasted like his latte. Matt wasn't a big fan of Starbucks.

"And we're going to kiss after that," Anoop said. "We're going to kiss after I get on that plane is what I meant."

"What did you order?" Matt asked, staring at Anoop's cup. Anoop rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to tell my parents about you," Anoop said. "On the cruise. It's time I told them the truth anyway."

"Can names be changed to protect the innocent?" Matt joked. Anoop grinned at him.

"I'm going to tell my parents too," Matt said. "Well, they already know. They have to. I'm worried that they haven't called. I'm going to find out their reaction soon."

"You should call them," Anoop said. "Tonight."

Matt nodded. "I will. Yeah, you're right."

"And call me afterward."

"Call me as soon as you land," Matt said.

"That's a lot of phone calls," Anoop said. He drank his coffee quickly. The airport was practically empty. Matt could see from the monitors that Anoop's flight was one of the last ones leaving that night.

"Hey," Anoop said, after a few moments of silence. "Do you... want to go to the bathroom?"

"That's what you get for drinking all that coffee," Matt said. Then he realized the look on Anoop's face. "Oh. Really? Here?"

Anoop shrugged. He got up and threw his cup away. Matt watched him walk over to the bathroom, casually. After a few moments he got up and joined him there.

Matt was tired of having sex in illicit places but he didn't mind one last go around for old times sake. Besides, this had to get him through the next few weeks without Anoop. Nobody entered the men's room as they hid in the men's room, doing everything they could possibly think of. When they were both spent Matt followed Anoop out of the stall and washed his hands, wiped his brows. Anoop rubbed his knees.

"Ow," Anoop said with a grin. "I really need to sit now."

Matt turned to Anoop and grabbed him suddenly.

"This is hard," Matt said.

"I'm going to miss you," Anoop said, hugging him back. "I'm going to miss you, too, Matt."

The door opened. A man dressed in a business suit stepped in and gave them a suspicious look. Matt snuck out with Anoop once he had his back turned to take a piss at the urinal. They laughed, taking the escalator up to the floor where the security line was. Matt looked past security and down the long aisle. He could see all the terminals from where he was standing.

"This place is small," Matt said.

"Call your parents," Anoop said.

"I will."

There was one sleeping looking TSA agent waiting to check IDs and boarding passes. The same business man from the bathroom came up the escalators and walked pass them with a glare.

"Do you think he knew what we were doing in there?" Matt asked. Anoop planted a kiss on his neck.

"Now he does," he said. Matt sighed.

"We have to rip it off," Anoop said. "The band-aid method."

"Does that mean you're going to leave me now?" Matt asked. He meant to sound playful but his voice came out very small.

"I'm not leaving," Anoop said. "We're both going home for Christmas and soon we'll see each other again."

"I'm coming, Noop," Matt said. "Don't give up on me."

Anoop laughed a little. He squeezed Matt's arm, affectionately. "Never," he said.

Matt kissed him. He couldn't help it. They kissed for a couple minutes until he was finally able to pull away. The TSA agent seemed much more awake now. He bet their little show worked better than that Starbucks coffee.

"Okay," Anoop said.

"Okay," Matt repeated.

"Okay," Anoop said again, his voice little more than a whisper. They hugged, Matt's face pressed against Anoop's chest. It was almost impossible to let him go.

"Time for me..." Anoop said, softly. He kissed Matt's forehead and let him go.

"Time for you to go," Matt said, wearily. "Yeah. Band-aid. Yeah, Anoop. I'll call you."

"I'll call you," Anoop said. "When I land."

"I'll call," Matt said. "I'll answer the phone."

"I love you," Anoop said. He took a step back. He was already farther away than he'd been before.

"I love you," Matt said. Anoop took another step back. It was kind of comical watching Anoop creep backwards like that.

"Band-aid," Matt remind him.

"Right," Anoop said. "I'm leaving. I'm getting on that plane. Bye, Matt."

"Bye." Matt stared at Anoop's ass as he walked away. The TSA agent looked relieved that Anoop had finally come over there. Anoop turned after he got through security and waved. Matt waved back. He watched Anoop walk all the way to his gate, which wasn't very far.

Then Anoop was out of sight.

Matt thought he might stick around until the plane took off but then he remembered that they were supposed to be ripping that band-aid off. He jogged back down the escalator and returned to his car. He only had to pay two dollars to get out of the lot. It felt like he had been there for much longer.

The night was clear and the stars were out. Matt thought he saw one moving. He opened his mouth to make a wish but then he decided he would just pray about it instead. He knew God was still on his side even if it didn't feel like it sometimes.

"Thank you," Matt whispered, alone in his car except for all of his stuff. He wondered what he would take to North Carolina. He knew that he would have plenty of time to decide on that.

It was the perfect time to pray but for once Matt wanted to take a break from that. Instead he turned up the radio and stared straight head, still feeling Anoop's long fingers squeezing his arms. He had at least two hours until he made it to Kris' house and then there was the long journey home. Matt was grateful for that.

Matt knew he would be thinking about Anoop the whole time.


End file.
